Controversial marriage question

[wedding12341]

Thinking about another thread on here where someone has moved in and had children with their fiancé who has now changed his mind about getting married. Someone on the thread said it is just a small minority of women that are disadvantaged by marriage.

Eg - the woman brings more assets / money to the marriage than the man.

Based on the above

If you were one of these women in the minority (or your friend / daughter was) - Would you advise them not to get married?

@Dinoswearunderpants

Really? Do you have no self awareness?

That comment is so mean. You sound like a horrible person.

Also, have you met men? A lot of them could be in the happiest of marriages, but don't seem to think with the same things we do.

How on earth could you have both thought and then posted that. Have a word with yourself.

Also, just to add, marriage doesn't prevent a relationship from breaking down or running its course, and I don't want to feel forced into staying in something I no longer want to be in just because of the financial implications of divorce. I ADORE my partner now and genuinely feel we will be together for life, but how can either of us possibly guarantee we'll feel the same 10 years down the line? Nobody can.

I am so sorry you are upset.

I agree it’s one of the worst things I have read on here. It’s vile.

It’s not consolation, but someone who posts something so awful isn’t happy in their own life and trying to convince themselves it couldn’t happen to them.

She has to believe she has some control over wether her husband cheats or leaves her. She clearly believes she can act in a particular way and it will stop him cheating.

She is wrong it’s not in her control. She could be the greatest wife to walk the earth and he could still cheat, still leave and take half her assets. She is trying to believe it couldn’t happen to her.

Her comment was awful. But it’s actually about her not you. She must be very unhappy and worried about her assets.

I have posted previously on my position. My STBEH and I married when we were about to qualify in our chosen profession. For him work never quite happened. He would move from job to job and always leave/get fired after a major row.

When the kids were small, but after my ML he decided it would be better if he were at home to "look after the kids" I agreed up until they went to school. He never returned to work. Apparently it needed to be the right job and this never quite happened.

For many years his lifestyle consisted of dropping the kids off/picking them up, watching telly and popping to the pub. I did most of the cleaning and virtually all of the cooking. he never arranged days out or holidays or pretty much anything else.

Hey I loved him. After 30 years he traded me in for a younger model. He is taking half my pension. Half the house and half the savings. He saved nothing and does not have a pension.

With hindsight marriage was not right for me and I should have protected myself better- this is the lesson I would pass on to younger women.

Mrgreydressinggownofdoom is great but I wouldn't say we have a perfect relationship.

He is still capable of winding me up by leaving wet towels hung over doors (put them on the fucking towel radiator that exists for that specific purpose) and his obsession with putting stuff away away when I need it on the regular.

I actually feel sick - no one has a perfect relationship and I honestly don't think I did anything that made my ex cheat on me. I don't understand why that is my fault?

Any arrangement is fine if you go into it with open eyes.

The worst thing is to put all the power in one partner's hands, eg be a sahm with nothing in your own name and imagine your dp would do the right thing if you broke up.

People can turn into dickheads - age, illness, injury, life events, cheating, who knows - relationships sour and if you rely on good will in that situation you're likely to be fucked.

I assume you're divorced as you sound very bitter.

Marriage benefitted me because I was younger than my husband, less established in my career, and took maternity leave for each child. I was disadvantaged in our partnership.

Now I’m middle aged, got my career going strong and my kids are nearly grown up. If DH died and I met someone else I would never marry or even cohabit again. I want to protect my assets.

Thanks for the fangirling :-)

After what you just said to me, that's a bit rich tbh.

I just had a good time ASing @Dinoswearunderpants too.

I came across this little nugget:

I earn £85k (pro rate to 4 days) and my husband earns about £40k. He struggles at but as he pays maintenance towards three other kids.

The toothless (literally) husband forks out for other kids and she’s done nothing to protect herself. There’s trusting, and there’s stupid.

What is your excuse?

And one more for fun 😂:

I met my DH in Feb 19 and we married two years later and baby right away. You can't stifle love.

Such optimism foolishness.

It wasn't your fault! At all.

Sage advice.

Yup, same here. If you have more assets - be you male or female - think very carefully about marriage.

Sooo... given the majority of replies here...

Marriage is advocated as long as it financially benefits the woman?

...but men are wasting your time and not worth it if they (typically, statistically better off) don't want to marry a woman?

some might think this but I think it's complete hypocrisy. Totally understandable if men don't want to get married for financial reasons

I am one of the minority, and I am married.

there are literally dozens of posts on this thread saying that they would advise anyone in the better financial/earning/asset position to think long and hard about protecting their assets

and yet some idiots who apparently can't read and inwardly digest come watlzing in and spout piffle

literally above your post @C1N1C

Yeah I tend to think that if people have given the situation some thought and actually base their decisions on knowledge, it's probably ok.

So if you've not got married because it's just a piece of paper and someone told you that you're common law anyway, that's taking a big risk. The same person making the same decision who understands the legal position and has tailored their life choices accordingly, probably not.