Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this leopard isn't going to change it's spots

63 replies

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:17

7 years ago I bought a house with someone. It is my dream house. Because I travel with work I can only be there 25 to 40 percent of the time.

Unfortunately I discovered that the person I bought the house with is a scruffy and messy bugger. They have kind of fucked up the house by turning it into a cluttered and unmaintained scruffy mess. Eveytime I'm home it breaks my heart and spend all my downtime trying to sort it out. I've just come home again and there are sheets hung up on doors drying, the kitchens a cluttered tip and fucking junk spread across three floors.

It breaks my heart but I don't think I'm going to change this lazy person. I can't buy them out either. My only option may be to sell. Anyone have any ideas of how to make this person change their spots?

To avoid drip feeding this person is a partner. We've been together 20 years though we are more just friends now. The relationship part is less relevant as I would be ok with that I'd he just kept the house nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:18

*if he

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 03/08/2023 18:25

I'll be honest this is a bit confusing. Do you want to stay with the partner or not, foremost? If not, then what, buy a smaller place or renting?

If you do want to stay together then what about a cleaner weekly that you both pay halves on to maintain the place? Maybe with an extra hour when you're coming back. Have they always been messy or they've let things slip over recent years? Maybe a conversation about how depressing it is to come back to a messy house each time but I think that will be plus cleaner. Sounds like an uphill battle to get them to be tidier when you're not there

MistyGreenAndBlue · 03/08/2023 18:31

No. He won't change. They never change. Sorry

Barrell · 03/08/2023 18:31

I’m a bit confused - have you actually addressed this with him?

Appreciate you shouldn’t have to but difficult to say whether he’ll change if you haven’t told him what you have a problem with.

Russooooo · 03/08/2023 18:33

You sound strangely disconnected from both the house and your partner. Have you discussed it with them at all? Are you married?

MillWood85 · 03/08/2023 18:34

Don't even waste your energy trying to change someone.

Start looking at buying them out.

No house is a dream when you come home to a shit tip.

Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:36

No we're not married. Partners.
When I try to address it he becomes defensive.
He's not good at allowing other people like cleaners in. Also the clutter would just get in the way of a cleaner.

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 03/08/2023 18:37

Is he a hoarder?

Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:38

No house is a dream when you come home to a shit tip.

good point. When we bought it it was farmhouse chic. He's gradually fucked it up in odd ways I can't describe.

OP posts:
Barrell · 03/08/2023 18:39

You’ve got two options.

You call it a day and sell up.

Or you get the bull by the horns, tell him
its unacceptable, get rid of the clutter, organise a cleaner (that you both pay for).

If Option 2 doesn’t work, you go to Option 1.

PimpMyFridge · 03/08/2023 18:44

He won't change. It would be hard enough to change habits of a lifetime if he wanted to, but he doesn't.
I couldn't cohabit with someone who made it so I was on a hamster wheel of stress with all my down time spent sorting and going away knowing it would be all undone.
It is tragic that you love the house and can't lose one without the other, but in the end this will kill your mental health. How many years can you keep tolerating it before the house is just associated with wasted effort on repeat.

Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:49

It is tragic that you love the house and can't lose one without the other, but in the end this will kill your mental health. How many years can you keep tolerating it before the house is just associated with wasted effort on repeat

I know. If I end up having to sell, I will never be able to speak to him again. Ioved the house so much and he just turned it into a nightmare.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/08/2023 18:51

Was he like this in his own home?

Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:00

@Nanny0gg it was masked really as his kids would clean it up when I came to visit. It was also a much smaller space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:04

And tonight, I have come back from a long 3 hr drive to an overflowing bin, stuff completely covering the kitchen worktops, and a general chaos which is making me on edge.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:12

Get rid of him and get a lodger or two.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:15

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:04

And tonight, I have come back from a long 3 hr drive to an overflowing bin, stuff completely covering the kitchen worktops, and a general chaos which is making me on edge.

I’d be more pissed off than I can tell you about this. This is your house too. Overflowing bins and dirty dishes especially during summer is vile. What does he actually say to you about this?!

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:15

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:12

Get rid of him and get a lodger or two.

Ehrm it’s his house too?

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:18

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:15

Ehrm it’s his house too?

Show quote history

Did I say it wasn't?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 03/08/2023 19:21

Your "partner" hates you.
If you can't get rid of him, then organise a major professional clear-up followed by a weekly cleaner.

Original poster
Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:22

He's a grown man who hasn't learned how to put bins out. It's vile and so upsetting. My dreams of growing old in this house are ruined.

OP posts:
IreneGoodnight · 03/08/2023 19:27

This is extremely selfish behaviour from your partner. He has greater use of the house, presumably for an equal split of the bills so the least he could do is have a darn good clean & tidy up before you get home. You should look forward to returning and relaxing not dreading the thought and then finding it was justified.
If the inconsiderate sod won't look after the whole house properly would he at least agree to 1) keeping his muddles to a couple of "his" rooms that you don't need to go in, 2) staying completely out of "your" rooms and 3) having the communal areas clean and tidy for when you come home?
You have my sympathy and I hope you'll soon have enough dosh one way or another to buy him out - if he'll go!

Mummy08m · 03/08/2023 19:29

I voted yabu at first on the basis of sheets drying on the doors - I'd be chilled about that.

But overflowing bins is rank so I changed it to yanbu.

I think it might be worth laying down some rules you'd be happy with eg:

  1. He can be untidy when you're away but it must be clean and tidy for when you're back (providing you can give a couple of days' notice before each return).
  1. Dp must hire a cleaner before each time you return, at dp's expense. He gets to live in it more than you so only fair. Some cleaners tidy clutter too, if pre-agreed and paid for (ask me how I know lol).

This might do it.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:30

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:18

Did I say it wasn't?

Show quote history

So how can she get rid of him? Then he van get rid of her too if he wants to..

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:34

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:30

So how can she get rid of him? Then he van get rid of her too if he wants to..

Show quote history

She can buy him out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread