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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this leopard isn't going to change it's spots

63 replies

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:17

7 years ago I bought a house with someone. It is my dream house. Because I travel with work I can only be there 25 to 40 percent of the time.

Unfortunately I discovered that the person I bought the house with is a scruffy and messy bugger. They have kind of fucked up the house by turning it into a cluttered and unmaintained scruffy mess. Eveytime I'm home it breaks my heart and spend all my downtime trying to sort it out. I've just come home again and there are sheets hung up on doors drying, the kitchens a cluttered tip and fucking junk spread across three floors.

It breaks my heart but I don't think I'm going to change this lazy person. I can't buy them out either. My only option may be to sell. Anyone have any ideas of how to make this person change their spots?

To avoid drip feeding this person is a partner. We've been together 20 years though we are more just friends now. The relationship part is less relevant as I would be ok with that I'd he just kept the house nice.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2023 22:42

Well, one if you isn't essentially right and the other wrong. You just sound ill matched. I imagine, if you are away most of the time, there may be foibles about the house you are missing (such as a lack of space other than doors to dry sheets).

You can seperate or you can talk and compromise. But your attitude of "this is my house" and "this is the only way to live" is clearly going to alienate your partner.

Ariela · 03/08/2023 23:04

He has asked 'what do you want me to do?'

So what happens if you tell him when you next go? Write a list. Spell it out to him.

Original poster

Leopardchange · 07/08/2023 14:13

Things came to a head this morning when he hid his stash of laundry liquid as apparently he says I use too much. He freely eats the food I buy but wont share washing machine liquid. I'm so sick of this set up.

OP posts:

PimpMyFridge · 07/08/2023 14:39

This isn't sustainable. If you didn't love the house you'd probably be a lot further on in recognising that by now. As it is you've put a lot of effort into trying to make it work, which means you're really really committed to giving it a go, and won't release that easily..
But despite alllllll that effort it is still no better and you're going to end up trying to erect partitions down the middle of the house if you continue.
It's a tragic state of affairs and I really feel for you but he's rendering the dream forever home into a prison of distaste and resentment... You need to find a way to separate him from your living arrangements one way or another.

Original poster

Leopardchange · 07/08/2023 14:45

Thanks @PimpMyFridge wise words.

OP posts:

user1477391263 · 07/08/2023 14:54

Always amused at people who think that “get a cleaner” is a cure for someone who is basically a dirty bastard. Cleaners cost a lot of money and can only do so much. They are very useful partners for someone who is already competent at running their home and wishes to outsource some household tasks to a specialist. They can’t organize or de clutter your home, they can’t make up for day-to-day mucky and messy behavior.

Original poster

Leopardchange · 07/08/2023 15:16

@user1477391263 true. Plus he is very reluctant to let strangers into the house. Another control issue. I'm done with him. I just need to get over the terrible sense of loss selling the house will cause.

OP posts:

JimnJoyce · 07/08/2023 19:54

@Leopardchange honestly you will get past the house being your dream home. You will
feel so relieved when
it's just you and wherever you live stays clean and tidy.
A weight will lift and you will be able to relax.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 20:08

In the end, a house is just a house and you will have another house. This man sounds absolutely bloody awful. End the relationship and tell him that you are putting the house up for sale.

cymbidium · 07/08/2023 22:54

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 20:08

In the end, a house is just a house and you will have another house. This man sounds absolutely bloody awful. End the relationship and tell him that you are putting the house up for sale.

I wonder where he would move, with all his stuff. I find it hard to believe he’d be able to move all his shit within a time frame himself.

Original poster

Leopardchange · 08/08/2023 12:26

I wonder where he would move, with all his stuff. I find it hard to believe he’d be able to move all his shit within a time frame himself.

this is a very good point

OP posts:

user1477391263 · 08/08/2023 14:54

I’d give him a reasonable warning so that he has time to find storage space and shift it there. If he hasn’t moved it within a reasonable timeframe (only you will be able to judge this as you are the one who is looking at it and can tally up how much stuff there is), you may have to just resort to picking the stuff up and dumping it outside.

Lilyhatesjaz · 08/08/2023 16:15

Would he be able to buy you out so you can move on without the hassle of maybe having to get a solicitor to force a sale if he doesn't want to leave.

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