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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this leopard isn't going to change it's spots

63 replies

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 18:17

7 years ago I bought a house with someone. It is my dream house. Because I travel with work I can only be there 25 to 40 percent of the time.

Unfortunately I discovered that the person I bought the house with is a scruffy and messy bugger. They have kind of fucked up the house by turning it into a cluttered and unmaintained scruffy mess. Eveytime I'm home it breaks my heart and spend all my downtime trying to sort it out. I've just come home again and there are sheets hung up on doors drying, the kitchens a cluttered tip and fucking junk spread across three floors.

It breaks my heart but I don't think I'm going to change this lazy person. I can't buy them out either. My only option may be to sell. Anyone have any ideas of how to make this person change their spots?

To avoid drip feeding this person is a partner. We've been together 20 years though we are more just friends now. The relationship part is less relevant as I would be ok with that I'd he just kept the house nice.

OP posts:

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:40

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:34

She can buy him out.

Show quote history

I can't buy them out either.

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2023 19:41

What does he say when you tell him?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/08/2023 19:44

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:34

She can buy him out.

Show quote history

She's already said she can't buy him out. In the OP.

Original poster

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:48

What does he say when you tell him?

"What do you want me to do" is his general response.

OP posts:

LittleMonks11 · 03/08/2023 19:50

Sounds like you love the house more than him. The level of slobbishness you describe would break me or land me in prison.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:56

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:48

What does he say when you tell him?

"What do you want me to do" is his general response.

That would make me even more angry. He is not doing it on purpose, is he..? So that you will spend even less time in the house.

I’d tell him if he doesn’t even know when to take out the bin, he should go to his gp and seek help. Maybe that (very cruel) approach? You assume he is not lazy but there must be something wrong like the classic MN dementia?

Original poster

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:58

Sounds like you love the house more than him

that's the tragedy of it. And his actions are going to lead to me losing the plot or losing the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:59

I've just wheelbarrowed out 3 black bin bags of rubbish and 2 recycling bags. Before I went away, I did the same with 6 bags.

OP posts:

LittleMonks11 · 03/08/2023 20:01

Do you have children?

Do you think he has hoarding issues?

Does he have a job that gets him out the house?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/08/2023 20:03

Is he doing this as a kind of dirty protest because you are away a lot?

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 20:05

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 19:59

I've just wheelbarrowed out 3 black bin bags of rubbish and 2 recycling bags. Before I went away, I did the same with 6 bags.

Did he not at least help?

JogOn123 · 03/08/2023 20:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 03/08/2023 20:05

I dry sheets on the doors

energy crisis 3 kids , including a toilet trainer 😖

but stuff cluttered everywhere is annoying

Honeyroar · 03/08/2023 20:06

Could you suggest he pays for a cleaner once or twice a week if he doesn’t want to do it himself? Does he realise how much you’re having to do?

His “what do you want me to do about it?” makes him sound like he’s resentful and he’s not happy in the relationship either. Is it really worth living like this for a house?? You could buy something else, hopefully still nice, and come home to it spotless every time.. (I used to be cabin crew and adored coming home to the house just as I left it when I was single).

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 20:06

Also, if he knows you love the house that much he knows he can get away with his crap. He doesn’t have to take out sny rubbish, you will do it.

Astrak · 03/08/2023 20:13

Do you really want to stay with this man? From your posts, it sounds as if he has no inclination to change his habits. Is he depressed? Does he work? Is he of any benefit to you, other than being a human burglar alarm?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 20:16

Dump him and sell the house.

I'm the untidy one in my relationship. But it upsets DH so I do it. If he;s away, he always comes home to a tidy clean house.

It's not just his ability, it's his lack of care for you.

TimeToSleeeeep · 03/08/2023 20:22

Does he work too or is his sole role keeping your dream house ready for your return?

mathanxiety · 03/08/2023 20:23

When he asks, "What do you want me to do?" you should present him with a list.

Tell him either he does it or cleaners come in and do it.

I suspect you're going to end up delivering an ultimatum - he lets cleaners in, or keeps the house properly himself, or the house goes on the market.

Has he done bodged DIY or is it just filth, horrible paint or tiling jobs, etc?

Original poster

Leopardchange · 03/08/2023 20:52

He works part time in a supply role. He has summer off. He has plenty of time.

OP posts:

PimpMyFridge · 03/08/2023 21:05

This situation is not sustainable.
If there was a way out that meant the house could be enjoyed nicely you'd have thought of it by now.
So it's lottery win or pull the plug.
But this is no small thing. It's ok to be angry and grieve the dream that can't be.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 22:09

He is phasing you out, thinking you are there much less than he is. Go nuclear. Do what it takes, as a last chance to keep the house. Annoy and push him as much as you can. Force him to take the garbage out and clear the house little by little. Make his life shit, like he is making yours shit.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 22:12

I’m saying just saying force him to do things when you are there, hard work.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 22:21

Dont know but definitely get rid of him

10HailMarys · 03/08/2023 22:34

To be honest, I don’t really think this is truly about the house at all. You’re talking as if you have no agency over anything that happens - it’s almost like you see your partner as some sort of weird invasive presence, like a ghost or something. It’s also really odd that you only reveal at the end that he’s your partner, almost like you’re reluctant to admit it.

I think that psychologically it’s easier for you to say “he is ruining the house” than “I don’t love him or enjoy his company, and I want him out of my life because he makes me miserable.”

You don’t want to be in a relationship with this man, you see him as a millstone round your neck and a barrier to your happiness who is sucking the joy out of you. You need to end the relationship, OP.

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