To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

[Jamtartforme]

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

Why do people keep commenting on the thread asking if the money can be “claimed back” when they don’t have any experience of the current scheme.

The childcare voucher scheme closed years ago and most people are in tax free childcare now. It does not work the same way as the voucher scheme and the money doesn’t just build up if you don’t use it.

As we’re in our 70s we’ve thought of that. Every regular bill is paid by DD, from a joint account in both our names. He knows where to find the details, and our son will help him with any difficulties. We’ll be setting up PoA for both our children in the near future too.

I'm not surprised! Would you?

Yes. If in doubt, look for the woman because it will always be her fault.

I think the OPs frustration is driven by the fact she says they are in the red every month and she clearly worries about this every single day (and I assume is trying to save money in every aspect of her life which takes up a lot of head space). Her DH on the other hand has basically said fuck you and your concern by not doing one very easy thing to save them £2k. The childcare voucher issue is a cipher for how she thinks he views her worry and concern.

I used to carry all the mental loads inbour family because dh simply don't register what's important, what's need doing. It wasn't so bad as I was a SAHM for years, I handle all the finance otherwise we will be in trouble. He is a manager, all those expenses he supposed to claim back dont used to happen, as you can imagine... take the team to meals, travel costs etc. We were always poor.

I would start look after the finance in the house distribution more obvious tasks to him like weekly cleaning, empty the bins etc. He might not know things need doing unless it is in the routine.

Id be really really mad too but id also be mad at myself for not checking this was going properly beforehand because i knew he might f**k it up

I would be angry but if I hadn't shown him how to do it in the first place then what is obvious to you isn't obvious to him- I would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

It's really not difficult. And OP had obviously already set up the account, and given him the login details. He was obviously using the account because he was getting the 30 free hours each term (you have to reconfirm eligibility). He just hadn't bothered to look it up properly.

I would imagine no one showed OP how to do it. She just figured it out - it is really really not a complicated or difficult system.

I would say to him quite simply that he has lost the family £2,000 and it’s his job to earn that back.

Her DH knew they were in the red every month.
He knew he was paying the nursery directly from their account.
He knew he wasn't topping up the childcare account.
He had to reconfirm the childcare account every 3 months but still didn't use it. But he knew how to log on to reconfirm.
She questioned him many times why the bill was so high.
She had to check the account herself and he still tried to lie and cover his back.

Is he incompetent or is it weaponised incompetence?

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. If you asked me to fit a new bathroom or lay a wooden floor, I’m not your woman, but I know it. If you want someone to claim DLA and get the high rate awarded the first time, negotiate with the NHS to get more hours paid care for a relative, remember the dates to renew our annual house insurance, car insurance, MOT etc., I’m on it.

If he was a member of your staff at work you would either sack him, offer training and perhaps put him on a performance improvement programme, or reassign him to a more junior role etc. But you are supposed to be equals.

I would expect him to do the more menial work in the home such as cleaning, cooking, ironing to free up your time for higher level / high impact work such as managing your finances and applying for a school place.

Oh come on!! 🤦‍♀️

Do people honestly believe he intentionally didn't claim the money, knowing exactly what he was doing, knowing that he was failing to claim £2000 despite their bank account being in the red every month, just so...well, so he wouldn't be asked to do it again?

I think that's a stretch. I think he made a major expensive mistake. I think we are hearing op's angry version of his response and have no idea how he really feels about this. Those of us who have made stupid expensive mistakes in our lives are maybe seeing this with a bit more understanding.

If the government actually wanted to help parents they would give them two grand a year per child up front and let the parents decide how to spend it. If they wanted to subsidise childcare they ought to pay it directly to childcare providers.

I agree with the previous poster who said they just want to look like they're doing something politically to help parents while actually offering a slightly fiddly scheme run in arrears that they know full well won't be taken up by all those eligible.

We were on the old childcare vouchers and they weren't straightforward. Employers didn't just "tell you" about them. You had to find out they offered them, nag them and in some cases tell them how it worked! And it was faffy working out what they could be used for (we were paying school fees and I had to forecast each quarter what the bill would be while DD was under 5). You also risked building up vouchers you couldn't spend and they weren't refundable.

Would I have left this to DH? Er, no. He'd actually rather be £2k down than do this sort of admin, sadly.

So if I were the OP I'd hold the husband responsible because he should have admitted he couldn't/wouldn't do it in the first place, not whinged about "you don't trust me" when clearly she was right not to. And he owes the family £2k.

But if the govt are offering this on a quarterly use it or lose it basis, that is crap! It was widely trailed in the media as a tax allowance and therefore it ought to be possible to claim it through a tax return?

OP, it could be worth asking an accountant to look this over especially if either of you do a tax return.

I hope she doesn’t end up on the ‘cockroach cafe’ thread…

thank you everyone for your responses, it seems I’m not BU to have gone a little batshit over this.

No, it’s not refundable. It’s a use-it-or-lose-it scheme. Had he sorted it correctly we would’ve had around £150 per month off our nursery bill. This is pretty much our entire food bill. I’m going to ask how he intends to make this up to the family finances. I don’t feel a slap on the wrist (metaphorically speaking) is enough this time, I need to make him realise that if he doesn’t do something right the hard work of untangling it will fall to him. I won’t be picking up the pieces.

He isn’t lazy, the chores in the house are divided 50:50 and if (for example) I want a night or weekend away he looks after the kids without hesitating. I would say we spend the same amount of time looking after them and doing things around the house each. We both work FT

But it’s the mental load that he just does not ever seem to think of. How to you make someone think of something they haven’t thought of, ie ‘DC starts school next year, better check when the application needs to be in’ ‘it’s DC’s birthday in a few months. Better start thinking about their party’?

I don’t want to constantly be reminding as that defeats the entire point. It’s exhausting. Last week I asked him to take baby DS for his jabs, he kept asking me the time and date of the appointment then fucking missed it!!!

But surely her DH has access to Google, so the first step when he was asked to sort out tax free childcare should have been to find out how it works. No one knows this stuff before having children, no on showed OP how to do it, but she worked it out. If her DH was a competent adult he could find out how it works, just as the OP did.

If you haven’t noticed 2k missing, you’re partly to blame. Surely you check your accounts?

Don't be fooled....I would bet my last dollar that this is fake incompetence! My ex husband would be absolutely useless at all these tasks.. fast forward he is all over it and can tell me to the last cent what he has spent and what I owe him.

Just bullshit so he didn't have to do anything!

Last week I asked him to take baby DS for his jabs, he kept asking me the time and date of the appointment then fucking missed it!!!

He sounds incredibly irritating

YANBU to feel resentment about the wider issue of the mental load, or about the financial loss.

YABU for expecting him to pick this particular task up and work out all the ins and outs without a proper handover. You were trying to teach him a lesson by leaving him to get on with it unaided, but it’s backfired, which was inevitable.

You won’t get anywhere by scolding, blaming or punishing him, you need to have a proper, adult two way conversation about how you divide the family admin from now on. You also need to be honest with yourself about how much control you are willing to let go of, and what you’ll compromise on, because his standards won’t be yours.

You sound like a massive control freak to me.

YABU for expecting him to pick this particular task up and work out all the ins and outs without a proper handover. You were trying to teach him a lesson by leaving him to get on with it unaided, but it’s backfired, which was inevitable.

Have you used the tax free childcare system? Because OP clearly gave him the login details - and he figured out/was told how to confirm eligibility for the 30 free hours. I would expect any half competent adult with login details to be able to figure out that system in about 2 minutes. It genuinely wouldn't occur to me to explain it in detail.

More importantly, he was aware of the existence of the tax free system, and he told OP he was using it. There was nothing forcing him to lie, and he could have asked for help after attempting to do it himself.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJbn7M4X/

This tiktoker posts loads about labour vs mental load. I'd watch a few of hers and send them to him. Picking up chores is labour. Packing the car for a trip is labour. Picking the kids up is labour.

The mental load is all the knowledge/items you need to be able to carry out the labour.

He sounds like he is more hard work than the children. It's deeply unattractive.

Some of his behaviours sounds like my husband who was diagnosed with ADHD. Have you ever looked into this?

That's true, it's the lying about it (over a long period of time) and the fact that it cost them actual money.

I am a bit of a control freak about stuff like this because of DH's previous errors and omissions.

I don't feel the need to be controlling with other people (friends, colleagues) who are competent with admin. No need...