To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

[Jamtartforme]

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

That’s not good. And I understand that you are very very upset.

is he generally able to understand these kinds of concepts and also execute the required steps based on his understanding?

I als simply trying to work out whether this is a lack of ability (be that knowledge, intelligence, executive dysfunction etc.) or a lack of caring.

I think I would genuinely struggle to stay with him if it was the latter.

Similar situation here, and we’re older. In the early years, everything was cash, and either of us paid bills when they arrived, cash or cheque, simple. As we moved into the era of more online banking, I picked it up. DH was self employed, I also prepared his tax returns.

I worked in admin and finance roles, it was a no brainer for me to do it, and we were both happy with it. On the other hand, if my car broke down, he’d sort it out, along with practical, hands on stuff in the house and garden. All households are different, we found working to our strengths suited ours.

Oh my god people, it's not about the childcare - it's about the fact this is the latest in a long line of her DH being fucking lazy and even if he didn't understand, he could have done the research to bloody check - especially given the fact OP does the other 99%!
Doesn't matter whether you or your DH would struggle or you do all the paperwork cos your DH is shit at it and he does x y z in return. OP doesn't want to do it all and she shouldn't bloody have to as if she wasn't there he'd just have to learn, but as he is there he needs to pull his finger out!

You think of your partner as an apprentice who knows nothing and it's your job to train him?

How do you have an equal relationship with someone so hopeless?

There’s no logic in thinking everyone else owes it to you to spoon feed you information, rather than using your own brain, love.

he sounds a twat, but if he was responsible for it, why was it all on your phone so that any comms went to you rather than him?

But if you die first, he's going to be stuffed.

If he dies first, you just pay sometime to mow the lawn or fix the car. If you die first, your role can't be outsourced. He'll have no idea who your bills are with, where your money is, what your budget is, what insurance policies you have. Finance is a day to day issue and getting it wrong can have dire results at a time when the bereaved person is at their most vulnerable.

I was the money person for most of my marriage, until the day I realised that I had deskilled my DH, and that if anything happened to me, he'd have an almighty struggle.
So I went through all our finances with him, and ensured that everything was filed and he knew where it was, where our accounts were, and what needed doing when. And passwords of course.

You're not being unreasonable.

I would have to sit down with said husband and say where is his part of being a 50/50 partner in the relationship when he can't even be arsed to get the tax part of his children's childcare right? He isn't even doing a 70/30 split.
If you were to separate, he would have to step up and do more. So he can either do it with you or as a separate individual and he will have to start paying closer attention to things like this. Much closer attention.

Why would she. Trust (to do something) is necessary. Don't you think??

No one likes doing this stuff. It's boring and tedious. But it's got to be done. And as adults we have to do boring and tedious things.

There is NO WAY he would make this mistake at work. He assumes, overtly or subconsciously, that anything domestic/child related is your domain. That is the mental load and it is a relationship killer.

My husband yesterday exploded at me because my work went crazy and it was a busy day of school holidays (kids club, dog groom, visit relative in hospital, pest controller, drop off kids at grandparents as both away with work the next day) plus food and usual cleaning/washing. He did maybe 60% of the stuff yesterday and he had a massive go at me because I left it to him and he didn't know what was going on. I responded that I usually carry and manage all that stuff all the time and work full time and do most of the housework. I could see the cogs turning - it's only taken 10 years! He usually enjoys smug status in our circle as he cooks once a week, and does all the kids sports so is perceived as an absolute saint.

If anyone says "just tell me what to do" I will kneecap them. That doesn't help at all.

When I administered the child care vouchers a few people did build up a stash and got a refund. Hopefully the same with the other version.

He must have given them your bank account to pay them though so that should have triggered the thought of "oh won't it use up this special account"

And did no one check the bank account for money going out for a year?

Op, is the money really lost, or can you not now start paying from that tax free account? If this is a childcare voucher scheme those funds should still be there for you to spend on nursery etc? Just checking. It does not absolve your other half, but might make you feel better.

I don’t understand why you left him to do this task if you know he’s not capable. My DH is absolutely crap with money and form filling because he’s dyslexic and panics every time he’s faced with forms! So I do all of it - why wouldn’t I?
You said he does lots of everyday stuff. All good then. How often do you apply for a school place? I did the admin for school places but we both sat down to discuss it and both visited schools.
This might be a radical thought, but not everything in a relationship has to be done by both people. Most couples find their groove, and end up doing the things they’re more suited to. No doubt some would say it’s sexist, but my DH sources and chops all the wood for our wood burner, lights the wood burner and cleans it out. I cook most of the meals we eat. I also deal with all our finances. That’s just the way it is and we’re more than happy with how we live our lives.

Ah, so it’s her fault. She needs to
boost his ego and restore his confidence, then he won’t be such a fucking incompetent idiot. Got it.

he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

😵🤯

I think you're equally angry with yourself. Yes he's a nightmare, not an equal partner, and no, it's not okay.

But you already knew that. So why on earth would you hand over responsibility for important financial arrangements in the first place?

This is your wake-up call. This is who he is; you chose poorly; and if you want it to be different/better, then you need to find someone else. He's not going to magically change, it's a waste of explanations, nagging and arguments. Either balance the task load in some other way, or leave him.

Does he deserve respect for this?

Also a bit confused about the vouchers. Is it that he hasn’t bought them or is it that he didn’t apply them against the nursery bill?
If it’s the latter then at least you still have that money saved to apply going forward. If it’s that he didn’t buy them in the first place that’s incredibly annoying as you’ve lost that allocation and it can be saved for things like after school club or holiday club during the summer. Makes a huge difference to us.

No, because I married a functioning adult. Why didn't you?

He sounds strategically incompetent.

@sunsethorizon coz she knows dh is useless. Can't do simple doctors appointment

Why would she trust him to do this

Oh goodness. I'm so sorry.
I'm in such a similar situation to you. I'm desperate for my DP to take on some of the 95% of the mental load but I don't think I could relinquish control of it because he'd be exactly the same. I'd still be worrying about it anyway so I might as well just do it.
A couple of months ago I asked him to pick up HIS prescription. He forgot over a BH weekend and missed his tablets for 4 days which triggered weeks of medical repercussions which were awful to live with. I should have just done it myself.

Read Fed Up by Gemma Hartley, Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, and Wifework by Susan Maushart. All these “forgetful” and “incompetent” men can manage perfectly well, it’s just easier for them not to and to leave it all to you. They fuck up so you’ll go “oh, I can’t trust him, I’ll have to do it all”. Then you have zero leisure time because you’re doing it all, they have their token job like the bins (it’s always the fucking bins) and plenty of time for their outing hobby.

Honestly he sounds like an absolute moron. When I was reading through your post there were some bits that rang true in my relationship, but if I ask my partner to do something he will at least do it properly. If he fucked up he would own it not try and make up some bollocks excuses.

I would be furious too but I wouldn't trust my husband to do something like that either. His field of expertise is diy which I am hopeless at. Reading small print and researching anything to do with finances is mine. Is there a way it can be claimed back?

How do incompetent men like this hold down jobs ??