To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

[Jamtartforme]

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

I never used the old system so can't compare but it really isn't difficult. If your monthly invoice from nursery is £1000 you transfer £800 to the childcare account. Once you've set that up the first time that's a few clicks on online banking.

Online account is updated within an hour or so to add on the extra 20% so you then have the £1000 in it to pay the bill. You have to set up the provider as a recipient but again once you've done that it's a few more clicks to pay.

I agree, it really isn’t that hard.

And I did use the old system too and I don’t think this is any more difficult or complex.

I think him transferring the money is his way of apologising.

You’re married though so “his” £2,000 in reality belongs to you both.

As a married couple you are one financial unit and he has therefore lost put on family money from the government. So this doesn’t really put it right.

i think you need to sit down and make a 5 year financial plan. Make it 1,000% clear what you’re each responsible for. Tell him it is NOT ok to let you down and half ass things. If he wants no part of the finances he needs to be doing something else to contribute instead.

OP also didn’t notice for a whole year a direct payment to the nursery?

I never used the old system so can't compare but it really isn't difficult. If your monthly invoice from nursery is £1000 you transfer £800 to the childcare account. Once you've set that up the first time that's a few clicks on online banking.

Online account is updated within an hour or so to add on the extra 20% so you then have the £1000 in it to pay the bill. You have to set up the provider as a recipient but again once you've done that it's a few more clicks to pay.

exactly ...it's not hard! Plus, If you are paying the same amount each month you can set up a DD to go straight to the tax free account and set up a recurring payment from that directly to your childcare provider. Then all you have to do is reconfirm every 3 months.

But it’s the mental load that he just does not ever seem to think of. How to you make someone think of something they haven’t thought of, ie ‘DC starts school next year, better check when the application needs to be in’ ‘it’s DC’s birthday in a few months. Better start thinking about their party’?

A lot of men like this, I'm sorry to say. You either need to put up with it, or leave him, because you won't change him. My DH is like that and we've been married 30 years. He's a good husband in every other respect, but thinking ahead, the way you have described, or organising more complicated things are beyond his capabilities. He may DO them but they aren't done 'Properly' but since it bothers me, most of the time I do them myself. And Yes, it's a mental load which I sometimes could do without, so I sympathise with you

I think you are being unreasonable in your response. I am the scatter brained one in my relationship and could potentially see myself in his situation. He made a mistake, you are a partnership you chose this partnership. Making a massive deal about it serves no purpose in my opinion except to scapegoat your partner and resentment builds.

Good one.

OP had access to the account all year, thought it was expensive all year, and never bothered to log on to make sure all was OK. She could've rectified the mistake at any time. I guess she just couldn't be bothered.

Shouldn't he have sent you 1k not 2k if you split everything. Unless you used 2k from your account to plug the gap in joint account last few months.

But it was her husband’s task! Does she need to follow him to the loo and check he wipes his bum correctly as well? Stand behind him while he does the washing up going “ooh, I’d give that another rinse if I were you”? Chaperone him on the nursery run to check he does road safety with the DC correctly?

Oh please. Why do you keep defending him? Op states clearly that she gave him the responsibility of this as he complains she never let's him do anything.

Basically they are saying “this stuff is beneath me so I don’t need to pay it attention”.

It's so bloody annoying.

However, and maybe it's just my profession, I've come across large numbers of incompetent men at work too, over the decades. In fact they seem to get away with displays of laziness, contempt and inefficiency for far longer than female workforce members do.

Well I really just keep saying that it was a mistake, not malicious as has been characterised quite a bit on this thread. The mischaracterisation is what I am defending against. I also said that while I understand OP's anger, it's misplaced and the way she seems to regard her DH is quite undesirable.

If you thought someone might be doing something wrong, and you thought it at least 11 times in 11 months, and you don't look into it, then you also bear some responsibility. Especially if it concerns money that tips you into your overdraft every month. It's irresponsible to not.

You’re married though so “his” £2,000 in reality belongs to you both. As a married couple you are one financial unit and he has therefore lost put on family money from the government. So this doesn’t really put it right.

Clearly OP’s finances aren’t set up that way, just like ours aren’t. We don’t have “family money”. We share expenses from his money and my money.

By law, it's shared money though. I think that is what the poster means when they say 'in reality'.

So how did you learn how to do it? Look it up and teach yourself? So why can’t men do that?

It isn’t. That’s why my bank account has my name on it and it would be fraudulent for him to use my card. This insistence on sharing absolutely everything makes my blood boil, we don’t stop being individuals because we’re married.

Flipping Nora.
We've had weaponised incompetence.
People are categorized into mental and physical abilities.
Tell him to get a second job.
Women are better at admin.
Birthdays should be planned 6 months in advance.
Ltb.
Sit him down.

He's made a mistake no need for the overreactions or blatant lack of respect.

We clearly have different standards. Executing one of your tasks so badly that you’ve cost the family an unnecessary £2k isn’t ‘doing half’ at all.

Having personal savings to that extent in that situation is breathtakingly selfish.

Sorry, that was to a poster further up the thread.

Respect is earned.

I have absolutely no idea what any of it means. Tax free account etc. My knowledge of business stuff is ZERO