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Original poster

To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

479 replies

Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:42

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 03/08/2023 12:25

Regardless, he passed over the number to the nursery so he has set up the first month successfully - the mistake is still not realising that it has to be claimed monthly, manually.
It's not about claiming anything, it's about where you pay. So rather than paying money into the account and then paying nursery from that account after it's been topped up he's paying the full amount directly to the nursery, thereby paying 20% more than he needs to every month.

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 12:27

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 12:25

Regardless, he passed over the number to the nursery so he has set up the first month successfully - the mistake is still not realising that it has to be claimed monthly, manually.
It's not about claiming anything, it's about where you pay. So rather than paying money into the account and then paying nursery from that account after it's been topped up he's paying the full amount directly to the nursery, thereby paying 20% more than he needs to every month.

Well I can understand how the mistake occurred then.

Original poster
Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 12:28

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 12:25

Regardless, he passed over the number to the nursery so he has set up the first month successfully - the mistake is still not realising that it has to be claimed monthly, manually.
It's not about claiming anything, it's about where you pay. So rather than paying money into the account and then paying nursery from that account after it's been topped up he's paying the full amount directly to the nursery, thereby paying 20% more than he needs to every month.

this is also correct.

just to confirm: I set the account up, and trusted him to make the payments from it monthly.

he instead sent the payments direct from our joint account, subverting the tax free one and therefore paying 20% more than we needed to be.

because I set the account up I used my own mobile number,I was texted yesterday to ask confirm details on it, hence going back in and looking at the payments. To see there weren’t any.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 03/08/2023 12:29

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 12:27

Well I can understand how the mistake occurred then.

Show quote history

Not really. It isn't complicated to notice that you are paying £1000 a month instead of £800. It's a very straightforward scheme once it's set up and pretty useless to not realise the 20% benefit it should be giving you.

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 12:33

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 12:29

Not really. It isn't complicated to notice that you are paying £1000 a month instead of £800. It's a very straightforward scheme once it's set up and pretty useless to not realise the 20% benefit it should be giving you.

Show quote history

Yeah but what has actually happened is OP set up the scheme, and then told her DH to deal with it. He's passed over the number to the nursery and paid the bill monthly, assuming that its net of the saving. That's not an unreasonable assumption, it's quite logical.
OP did the set up of the scheme, so I am sure it is all obvious to her. Of course, she didn't bother to look at the account for a year either, even though the cost has clearly bothered her for 11 months. It's a joint responsibility and a joint mistake. OP is just angry that their joint mistake has cost them £2k and doesn't want to accept that she also had the opportunity to prevent the loss.

DreamItDoIt · 03/08/2023 12:37

Oh yeah I forgot that men's and women's brains are different and that men can do diy for example but struggle with thinking /knowing/being proactive with household stuff (although it's amazing how many young men don't seem to have this skill).

Oh but hang in - why then when they buy a car do they research it, work out how it all works, notice when it needs cleaning etc. I know all men aren't like this but it's an example if where the argument about 'nit seeing' falls down.

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 12:37

That's not an unreasonable assumption, it's quite logical
But passing the number to the nursery is to claim the 30 hours. Which is entirely separate from how you pay the remainder of the bill.

Maybe OP should have walked him through it but only because he's too proud/lazy/whatever to check he's understood himself. DH set ours up initially and I did find it confusing but I took over managing it and certainly considered it my responsibility to understand what I was doing rather making any assumptions.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/08/2023 12:40

For those talking about vouchers or that this is an awfully complicated system for a man, this is what it looks like when you log in.

At the top, it invites him as a new user to find out what to do – no need for OP to treat him like an apprentice.

Below that it’s very clear that he can pay money in here, and pay childcare providers from this account. To pay nursery directly actually takes more work, he’d have to log out of this, go to his online banking app, and find their details which might not already be set up because OP had always been paying through TFC.

Below that it’s equally clear you can get your 30 hours code here too.

There’s the bit where he could change the contact number to his own, so OP doesn’t have to have the mental load admin of reminders.

And a date reminder to reconfirm details to maintain eligibility for the 30 hours – he could put that in his calendar but no need if he’s already changed the contact details.

To be fucking livid - DH, lost money
WeWereInParis · 03/08/2023 12:41

@ClaudiaWankleman I'm guessing you've not used tax free childcare. When you log in there are two separate sections, one for tax free childcare, one for 30 free hours. They are very obviously different. He's only been using one (the 30 free hours) but when OP has queried it, he's said he has also been doing the tax free childcare. That's what would annoy me more than anything - confidently stating that yes, he's using both sections/schemes.

NewPapaGuinea · 03/08/2023 12:44

Have you really lost it or just not spent it yet?

Questionsforyou · 03/08/2023 12:44

But how could he have thought it worked ? Lots of people here saying he made a mistake - but they were paying 100% of the nursery bill. He can't possibly have thought he had done it correctly

Original poster
Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 12:45

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 12:33

Yeah but what has actually happened is OP set up the scheme, and then told her DH to deal with it. He's passed over the number to the nursery and paid the bill monthly, assuming that its net of the saving. That's not an unreasonable assumption, it's quite logical.
OP did the set up of the scheme, so I am sure it is all obvious to her. Of course, she didn't bother to look at the account for a year either, even though the cost has clearly bothered her for 11 months. It's a joint responsibility and a joint mistake. OP is just angry that their joint mistake has cost them £2k and doesn't want to accept that she also had the opportunity to prevent the loss.

Show quote history

No I made it quite clear how the system works when he took over. We may not have sat down and gone through it on the account but I certainly told him he needs to log in, and make the payment from the account.

OP posts:
Questionsforyou · 03/08/2023 12:46

NewPapaGuinea · 03/08/2023 12:44

Have you really lost it or just not spent it yet?

Well they've never had it, so could have had 2k from government - but haven't

WomblingTree86 · 03/08/2023 12:57

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/08/2023 12:40

For those talking about vouchers or that this is an awfully complicated system for a man, this is what it looks like when you log in.

At the top, it invites him as a new user to find out what to do – no need for OP to treat him like an apprentice.

Below that it’s very clear that he can pay money in here, and pay childcare providers from this account. To pay nursery directly actually takes more work, he’d have to log out of this, go to his online banking app, and find their details which might not already be set up because OP had always been paying through TFC.

Below that it’s equally clear you can get your 30 hours code here too.

There’s the bit where he could change the contact number to his own, so OP doesn’t have to have the mental load admin of reminders.

And a date reminder to reconfirm details to maintain eligibility for the 30 hours – he could put that in his calendar but no need if he’s already changed the contact details.

It is obvious if you go on that web page but presumably he didn't! The invoices from the nursery probably give their bank account details so people can use that to pay the nursery directly from the bank account in the same way they pay other bills.

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 13:05

Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 12:45

No I made it quite clear how the system works when he took over. We may not have sat down and gone through it on the account but I certainly told him he needs to log in, and make the payment from the account.

Show quote history

I am not being snarky when I say this - it obviously wasn't as clearly explained as you think, given that your husband was very obviously taken back by his mistake (I know some have taken the wobbly voice as an 'oh no, I've been found out' but it's much more likely it is actual confusion).

Also, judging by @WeWereInParis explanation, he has been logging in and making the payment from the account. It's just the wrong account.

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 13:07

I also think, regardless of explanation, the way you've recouped your loss (which is still 50% your responsibility) from his savings into yours is indicative of a terrible dynamic that I wouldn't have in any relationship of mine. It's like a parent docking pocket money from a child who knocks something over and breaks it.

sunsethorizon · 03/08/2023 13:08

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 13:05

I am not being snarky when I say this - it obviously wasn't as clearly explained as you think, given that your husband was very obviously taken back by his mistake (I know some have taken the wobbly voice as an 'oh no, I've been found out' but it's much more likely it is actual confusion).

Also, judging by @WeWereInParis explanation, he has been logging in and making the payment from the account. It's just the wrong account.

Show quote history

He’s been making the payment through his/their bank account (NatWest, Barclays or whatever) when he should have been logging into the tax free childcare website. So it’s not just a case of clicking on the wrong part of the website.

sunsethorizon · 03/08/2023 13:09

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 13:07

I also think, regardless of explanation, the way you've recouped your loss (which is still 50% your responsibility) from his savings into yours is indicative of a terrible dynamic that I wouldn't have in any relationship of mine. It's like a parent docking pocket money from a child who knocks something over and breaks it.

How is it 50% her responsibility?!

WomblingTree86 · 03/08/2023 13:10

The whole system seems very weird and nothing like it used to be. I can imagine loads of people are losing out because of it.

Hanitiser · 03/08/2023 13:11

@Jamtartforme it asks for reconfirmation every three months, does it not? It's a pain in my behind!

I'd this the first time you'd reconfirmed?

pinkyredrose · 03/08/2023 13:12

ClaudiaWankleman · 03/08/2023 13:07

I also think, regardless of explanation, the way you've recouped your loss (which is still 50% your responsibility) from his savings into yours is indicative of a terrible dynamic that I wouldn't have in any relationship of mine. It's like a parent docking pocket money from a child who knocks something over and breaks it.

Starting to think you're the husband!

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 13:13

Dallasdays · 03/08/2023 00:05

This is why I love being a single parent and in control of all admin, without having the resentment of constantly being let down by incompetent men.

Yeah. Me too.

NewPapaGuinea · 03/08/2023 13:14

Questionsforyou · 03/08/2023 12:46

Well they've never had it, so could have had 2k from government - but haven't

Show quote history

There was no mention of not paying into the tax-free account, just they weren’t paying out from it.

sunsethorizon · 03/08/2023 13:16

NewPapaGuinea · 03/08/2023 13:14

There was no mention of not paying into the tax-free account, just they weren’t paying out from it.

Show quote history

But then he would have been paying double - both to the nursery directly and then to the childcare account. And I think even he would have noticed that.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/08/2023 13:16

NewPapaGuinea · 03/08/2023 13:14

There was no mention of not paying into the tax-free account, just they weren’t paying out from it.

Show quote history

I mean, if he’s paying into it and not paying out, he’s more stupid than we feared…

Plus he told OP that you couldn’t have tax free childcare and 30 hours at the same time, which while incorrect suggests that he doesn’t think he can pay into it.