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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use wraparound even though it upsets my parents?

53 replies

ASCPreferred · 02/08/2023 15:33

I’m a single parent to 1 DC who has SN.

DC doesn’t cope well with different people picking them up every night. They don’t complain but I’ve found we have a lot more meltdowns in weeks where there’s even 1 night where it’s not me picking up.

ExH doesn’t have contact in the week, so it’s up to me.

I finish work at 3.30pm so I use after school club 3 nights a week even though DC only ends up being there for at most half an hour. DC loves it and is always pleased to see me. I regularly offer for my parents to pick them up and all I get is “No I want you mum”.

1 night a week I finish in time to pick up at normal time and even then, DC is happy, doesn’t moan about missing ASC but says they want me to pick them up.

The other night they have intervention as per their EHCP and I pick up at 4.15 from school.

My parents are constantly moaning at me though, they tell me I’m financially crippling myself for an hour a week and DC will just have to suck up not having me pick up every night.

I work term time only so they say it’s even more important because I pick up from holiday club when they go 2x a week in summer. They say their friends pick up their grandchildren all the time, and the DC cope and it’s just rubbish to use DCs SN as an excuse to not involve family. They tell me I’m too independent and it’s not a good trait to have.

DC prefers me, has meltdowns if it’s anyone but me, but if it’s me is fine, no meltdowns. They like ASC and holiday club so we have no major issues there, it’s just that they don’t want anyone but me to pick up.

For added context DC is the only grandchild on my side.

AIBU to not save myself what equates to £45 a week in term time for the sake of half an hour with a family member? Or am I using that and their SN as an excuse and they could just suck it up and get used to it?

OP posts:
Merapi · 02/08/2023 15:38

I would suggest that they pick him up from school every day for a month and see how they (and he) get on.

Tell them that it has to be every day, as he can't tolerate change due to his condition, and it's all or nothing.

Original poster
ASCPreferred · 02/08/2023 15:40

Merapi · 02/08/2023 15:38

I would suggest that they pick him up from school every day for a month and see how they (and he) get on.

Tell them that it has to be every day, as he can't tolerate change due to his condition, and it's all or nothing.

@Merapi They won't do everyday, they want 1 day a week each but can't even promise me it'll be the same day each week, so I may have to pay for wraparound anyway.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/08/2023 15:41

Do what works for you and your child.

CatandSpoon · 02/08/2023 15:41

They want to suit themselves and be able to tell their friends they help you out.
Them picking up DC wouldn't help either you or your child.
So I'd say no, they have their own interests at heart

FergusSingsTheBIues · 02/08/2023 15:42

If you can afford it, it’s not a waste: children with ASD can be relatively easily unsettled.

Rosaofthevalley · 02/08/2023 15:43

No that’s for their benefit not yours. If they can’t commit to a set day then it’s no help whatsoever. Thank you but no thank you

SummerInSun · 02/08/2023 15:44

Agree with PP. Of course your DC prefer you to pick them up - that's entirely natural and normal even if there was no SEN - but that doesn't mean they will actually dislike having loving grandparents pick them up, particularly once the DC is used to it. It may be the unfamiliarity and change in routine that's upsetting - once a new routine is embedded it may be fine.

Like PP, I'd try a longer term experiment, eg grandparents pick up every Monday for a term and see how it goes. But make the routine clear to DC so there are no surprises or anxiety about what will happen when.

It's helpful to you to have DC more comfortable with grandparents too. After all what would happen if you got really or were in hospital for example? Good to have multiple places where the DC feel at home.

Saschka · 02/08/2023 15:45

ASCPreferred · 02/08/2023 15:40

@Merapi They won't do everyday, they want 1 day a week each but can't even promise me it'll be the same day each week, so I may have to pay for wraparound anyway.

Show quote history

Then say sorry, that isn’t any use to me, and keep using ASC?

You don’t have to take up every unhelpful offer of childcare when you don’t actually need it 🤷‍♀️

I agree this sounds like it is more for their benefit than yours, and they sound monumentally flaky.

SummerInSun · 02/08/2023 15:45

Cross-post with OP's update - if they just want the occasional ad hoc day that's harder for DC.

Giveuprobot · 02/08/2023 15:45

@SummerInSun but they won't commit to the same day every week...

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 02/08/2023 15:46

Tell them you have to tell school in advance for the month if he’s going to ASC and can’t change it every week. I think our school does it where it has to be the same routine and we can’t just do it as and when we want by changing it the day before.

Giveuprobot · 02/08/2023 15:46

@SummerInSun and now I've crossposted with you :)

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 15:47

Yanbu at all. Your're doing what works for your child. He shouldn't have to "suck it up" in any way at all to please your parents.
And what's the nonsense about you being too independent?! Why should you be dependent on anyone? That's ridiculous. Ignore.

MavisChunch29 · 02/08/2023 15:47

The after school care you have already sounds good. Stick with that and perhaps they could babysit one regular evening a week so you can go out.

Original poster
ASCPreferred · 02/08/2023 15:47

SummerInSun · 02/08/2023 15:44

Agree with PP. Of course your DC prefer you to pick them up - that's entirely natural and normal even if there was no SEN - but that doesn't mean they will actually dislike having loving grandparents pick them up, particularly once the DC is used to it. It may be the unfamiliarity and change in routine that's upsetting - once a new routine is embedded it may be fine.

Like PP, I'd try a longer term experiment, eg grandparents pick up every Monday for a term and see how it goes. But make the routine clear to DC so there are no surprises or anxiety about what will happen when.

It's helpful to you to have DC more comfortable with grandparents too. After all what would happen if you got really or were in hospital for example? Good to have multiple places where the DC feel at home.

@SummerInSun DC stays at ExHs house Every other weekend for 1 night and copes perfectly well with it, they're happy around my parents and are fine being left if we go there for lunch or similar and I pop to the shop. If anything happened to me, they'd go to ExH or my parents until ExH was available.

ExH cannot help in the week but in an emergency would be able to drop everything.

They also won't commit to say every wednesday. I have said the only night they cannot do is intervention night as I often have a chat with the Teacher who runs the intervention after it's finished.

OP posts:
whoruntheworldgirls · 02/08/2023 15:48

Ignore them, carry on as you are as that is what's working for you and your child.

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 15:50

What your parents mean is:

We don't care what works for DGS we want the flexibility to pick up as and when suits us so we can enjoy picking him when we feel like it.

So erm no, your DS needs come before their wants.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/08/2023 15:51

It doesn’t sound like it would work as it isn’t a set day so you’d need to pay anyway for place.
If you give up a spot could you get it back? Lots of afterclubs are oversubscribed.
I can imagine a scenario where you say give up the place on a Monday as granny says she’s doing it and they let you down at last minute a lot.

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 15:51

Tell them to but out and to stop trying to tell you what to do, you're not a child. And there's nothing wrong with independence FFS, unless you're a controlling parent who gets the hump when you can't dictate what your adult child does. Don't discuss your life admin with them, it's non of their business. If they try and discuss it with you, just don't engage and change the subject.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 02/08/2023 15:53

Do they actually accept your dc has SN? Sounds more like they want to fake it their friends they are great dgps. They aren't though are they?

ZebraDanios · 02/08/2023 15:58

Just on the cost side of things - any chance you could negotiate with your wraparound provider that you pay a bit less as your DC isn’t there for the whole session? Ours lets us do this (in fact they suggested it!) so may be worth asking.

INeedAnotherName · 02/08/2023 16:00

So they can't even commit to the same day? I'm not sure if the paid wraparound care would agree to that unless you paid for the full five days every week anyway. So no benefit to you or dc.

Just say no, dc wouldn't cope with that right now but can I put you down as emergency contact if he's ill at school and I cant get him? I bet they say no to that!

ASimpleLampoon · 02/08/2023 16:01

You have a system that works which is important with a child with SEN.

I would stick to that and put your child's wellbeing before parents whims.

they seem quite controlling. Telling you you're too independent is a red flag to me.

Merapi · 02/08/2023 16:03

Sorry - said 'he' when it could be either.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 16:06

What they’re offering isn’t actually any use to you or your child. Let them be upset. They’re dressing up disruption as support to suit themselves.