To use wraparound even though it upsets my parents?

[ASCPreferred]

I’m a single parent to 1 DC who has SN.

DC doesn’t cope well with different people picking them up every night. They don’t complain but I’ve found we have a lot more meltdowns in weeks where there’s even 1 night where it’s not me picking up.

ExH doesn’t have contact in the week, so it’s up to me.

I finish work at 3.30pm so I use after school club 3 nights a week even though DC only ends up being there for at most half an hour. DC loves it and is always pleased to see me. I regularly offer for my parents to pick them up and all I get is “No I want you mum”.

1 night a week I finish in time to pick up at normal time and even then, DC is happy, doesn’t moan about missing ASC but says they want me to pick them up.

The other night they have intervention as per their EHCP and I pick up at 4.15 from school.

My parents are constantly moaning at me though, they tell me I’m financially crippling myself for an hour a week and DC will just have to suck up not having me pick up every night.

I work term time only so they say it’s even more important because I pick up from holiday club when they go 2x a week in summer. They say their friends pick up their grandchildren all the time, and the DC cope and it’s just rubbish to use DCs SN as an excuse to not involve family. They tell me I’m too independent and it’s not a good trait to have.

DC prefers me, has meltdowns if it’s anyone but me, but if it’s me is fine, no meltdowns. They like ASC and holiday club so we have no major issues there, it’s just that they don’t want anyone but me to pick up.

For added context DC is the only grandchild on my side.

AIBU to not save myself what equates to £45 a week in term time for the sake of half an hour with a family member? Or am I using that and their SN as an excuse and they could just suck it up and get used to it?

This!

So they're not actually proposing to save you £45 a week?

Or, indeed, a single penny?

I have an autistic DC who couldn't even cope with their dad picking them up two days a week and me picking them up the other three. And this was when their dad still lived with me. They wanted the same person everyday.

In that case, just carry on as you are - it works better for you with no proper commitment on their side!

Then absolutely not. They basically just want to have the option of picking him up when it suits them. They aren't doing this to help you or GC they are doing it for themselves. If they really wanted to they would commit to the same day each week so it could be part of your child's weekly routine he could get comfortable with it and they could spend time with him.

Your child's needs come above their wants.

I'd bet you ten bob that's exactly what they'd do. There was a previous thread where a GP "insisted" on picking up the GC from school or ASC or something then constantly "wasn't able to today" at the last minute.

Besides, if they want to do it on random days instead of a regular day, they clearly don't understand or care about the importance of routine and consistency to a child with SEN. To any child really!

They're just being silly, ignore them.

If they're not prepared to offer routine, then their help isn't help.

Your child being settled and happy is worth the money.

Help that is not helpful is not help!

Your parents are bonkers.

Do what's best for you and DC.

Well that totally negates their financial argument then doesn't it. If they can't commit to a specific day then you have to pay for the wraparound every day anyway and they wouldn't save you any money at all.
And given that DC would find it disruptive and upsetting not to have a predictable routine, who exactly do they think they would be helping with this so-called "help"?

Do what works for you and your dc.

it’s not a waste of money if it works for you and your ds. sounds like he enjoys after school club so the current arrangement works for you both. i’d tell your parents if they can commit to a set day week in week out you will discuss - if not, there’s no discussion to be had.

So they simultaneously want your DC to be more independent ("aka cope better") whilst complaining you are too independent

They sound selfish.

You are worried (in your thread title) about upsetting your parents whilst they don't give a shit about upsetting your child.

He needs consistency. He needs to know it’s you picking him up to cope with his day. Just because they don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not true. Tell them things might change in the future but for now he needs to feel secure in who will be picking him up and chopping and changing ruins that.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, you're his mother so you decide. If the £45 meant you couldn't eat or you both sit shivering in a cold damp house I'd be inclined to say he needs to give it a go but if you can pay it and live a reasonable life it is your decision. Even then what they are offering won't actually save you money will it so if they wanted to save you money they'd need to commit.

If your child is settled with what you’re doing and you’re happy with it, 100% leave it as it is. It doesn’t sound like there would be any benefit to your son, so why would you change it 🤷‍♀️

Argh. You’ve triggered me. When mine were little my olds would offer ‘help’ by picking them up from school. Then they would do ridiculous things like driving off with the book bags and refusing to return them til the next visit. Or make a massive mess of the house to greet me on my return home. Or just be late for pick up and leave the DC in the school office.
it became clear that they didn’t, in fact, want to help me or the DC. They just wanted the helpful grandparents blue peter badge to show off in their social circle.
Ive forgiven them but I learned very quickly to rely on MYSELF, not them. Crack on ad you are, OP.

I think your parents need to mind their own business. Accusing you of being 'too independent' and keeping them from their grandchild is ridiculous.

I can see that it might be useful for your DC to become more accustomed to other people they know picking them up, though. There are lots of situations where it might help them to be more used to you not always being able to be there every single evening.

However, ultimately this isn't up to your parents and they shouldn't be telling you how to deal with your own DC, especially if they like their after-school club activity and you can manage to meet the cost without starving as a result!

Well that just plain won't work, will it? If they won't commit to a set day, you've got to pay for all days. So "constantly moaning at me though, they tell me I’m financially crippling myself for an hour a week" is just ridiculous, a stick to beat you with.

And it's on a par with "they tell me I’m too independent and it’s not a good trait to have". Utter bollocks, it's an excellent trait to have. What they mean is that they'd prefer you to be dependent on them, so that they can control you. Stuff that!

"They say their friends pick up their grandchildren all the time" - and this is what all their nonsense is actually about! It's not about helping you, it's not about spending time with their grandchild, it's all about how they look to their friends! They want to moan/boast to their friends about how much they do, how involved with their grandchild's life they are, what wonderful grandparents they are, yadda yadda yadda. Utterly self-centred and blinkered.

Your parents are being ridiculous, and I'd be firmly telling them to back off.

I’d not tell them how much it costs it’s nothing to do with them.
If it enables you to work and dc likes it’s that’s good enough reason to use it.
Some people who have never used childcare have no idea how expensive and difficult to source it is.

Your parents are more concerned about satisfying their own needs and wants than yours and certainly not showing any consideration for your child's or your needs.

Wraparound is £15 per day no matter if you use breakfast club or after school club for just 1 hour. It's good value in some ways as if I am running late I don't have to panic, I have until 5.30pm to pick up and DC doesn't really care if I'm a bit late as long as i'm there or when I've had an early meeting I've emailed the wraparound and asked to drop at school at 7.30 or 8am and it's not cost me anymore. Costs are on the school website so they could find out anyway.

Costs come from DCs DLA so we're not struggling with DC in ASC.

You can't chop and change with asc, so it's a sunk cost regardless. All of my kids did asc, the youngest one literally went every day from years 1 to 4. They loved it.
You understand your kid. Carry on as you are. I had various people who offered to "help" me with pick ups. They did not understand that I paid week in, week out regardless.

Well they're being incredibly unreasonable - explain that you have to commit to the same days due to staffing and demand so if they want to do some childcare it HAS to be the same days, for the whole term, and with a whole term's notice.

Good wraparound childcare is invaluable - what they're offering is completely unreliable and disruptive, and won't save you any money anyway, that's before you start with SEN and potential for disruption.

DC will just have to suck up not having me pick up every night.

Im just going to come back to this as its actually possibly more important than the rest of it now I think about it.

Your parents think that your DC can just "suck up" their SN as a way to "get over it"

I got brought up by parents who thought I could just get over my disabilities if I just tried hard enough

They have genuinely told me (Im visually impaired) that I could drive if I just tried hard enough to see the number plate at the required distance

When I have to pause before an escalator to check I am stepping at the right point because it takes me longer to focus properly they used to just push/drag me on as a child

I was frequently expected to do activities that caused my physical disabilities to flare up and cause pain as a child and I am now frequently called lazy because I don't do everything they demand

So its not just about the money, or how upset they are. Its also about how much unsupervised time you want your child to spend with people who think making adjustments to his SN are not necessary because he should just suck it up.

It really does have a mental toll having people around you act like you are lazy, not trying hard enough and inconvenient when you have different needs to their expectations.

If they cannot commit to the same day then how are they proposing it will save you any money? Are they stupid?