AIBU to not want to go on this weekend away

[2023forme]

Deliberately putting this in AIBU rather than Alcohol Support so I get the full, unfiltered range of views. It’s long so apologies in advance.

I am a problem drinker. Been battling a psychological addiction to alcohol (as a means of getting unconscious) for several years now. It has at times been really bad – literally lying in the gutter drunk on occasions. One hospital admission. Many, many hellish arguments with DH and adult DC. Spoiling holidays/parties etc- you get the picture. Couldn’t go more than 10 days without a 3 – 4 day bender – it has been BAD. Abuse of alcohol started in response to finding out a hellish family secret (my own/biological family as opposed to my current DH/DC family ), triggering of (my) childhood sexual abuse. Started drinking wine to get to sleep then progressed to bottles of vodka/gin/anything to literally drown out the thoughts on repeat in my head.

I’ve done literally everything treatment wise but still struggling – not with physical cravings to drink, more with what I have become through the drinking. Therapy has helped and the last year has been better. Managing weeks/months totally sober. “Only” three benders in the past 12 months and they were not “too bad” – managed to stop after 1.5/2 days. I’m not trying to make excuses or anything, just trying to get over that although I am not there yet, I am definitely feeling I am getting there. My head is in a much much better place and I am generally happy and at peace about 90% of the time.

Here is my AIBU. DH wants us to plan a weekend away with the DC and friends in a few months time. We will be paying for it and it will be around £3k (we can afford this). I love the people we are going with but I do not want to go. I said they could all go and I would stay behind but that was a solid ‘no’ from DH – if I’m not going, the trip won’t be going ahead. (He/DC couldn’t enjoy it worrying that I was staying at home alone getting wasted).

My reasons for not wanting to go are;

• Everyone will be drinking big time. My DC (both in their 20s) drink but not to excess but everyone else going will drink lots. Day and evening drinking. There will be no bad behaviour/arguing or anything but it means hangovers and hairs of the dog the next day and no wish to do anything. Also that annoying drunken chat which is great if you are part of it, but so boring if you are sober.
• The break is in the UK and the weather could be shit, making it harder for me to get away from the drinking and go for walks, cycle or whatever. Happy to read in my room at night but days could be long and problematic as they will want to go to the pub if the weather is bad. Even if the weather is good, it will be walks that end up in the pub.
• Although we can afford it, the money could get us a better (in my opinion) break that doesn’t revolve around drinking. Just me and DH where I don’t have to make any big effort to be sociable.
• DH says it will give us “something to look forward to” but it is not for me!
• I am only asking him to delay some sort of trip until I feel “safe” to do it. So we could plan for spring or something when I will feel stronger and the weather might be better.

I know I can 100% go to the weekend and stay sober (done it before, many times) so that is not my issue. I just feel that DH is being really insensitive in wanting to go on essentially a very expensive long weekend piss up at a time when I am trying to get back on the right path and leave the harmful drinking behind me. I can go and not drink but every second is a reminder that I cannot drink and the harm I have caused through my alcohol abuse.

But……I have really fucked up my life/family life with the drinking so maybe I owe it to them to just suck it up and go on the weekend. Maybe this is what people mean when they say you “have to do the work”. Maybe “the work” is doing things I don’t enjoy to somehow make up for the hurt I’ve caused. And just to reinforce, I know I can do the weekend sober, its just the thought of sitting there watching everyone else drink, feeling ‘abnormal’ then putting up with boring chat once everyone is half pissed. So please give me your thoughts on me not wanting this weekend to go ahead.

YANBU – DH shouldn’t ask you to go away on a four day piss up at a time when you are still recovering from abusing alcohol. You need to be selfish and put yourself and your recovery first.
YABU – you are the problem here, not them. It’s only four days, you know you can do them sober and DH and the DC deserve to have something to look forward to. If you hate it, too bad – think of all the times you’ve made their lives hell.

It's unreasonable if your family to want to go on a holiday where drinking will feature heavily

It is difficult perhaps as they should change their behaviour to support you but it's not unreasonable to ask someone to avoid a harmful thing anyway

Is there someone supportive you could stay with whilst they go away so you not on your own ?

Keep going

Doesn't sound like anyone going has a healthy relationship with drink. I wouldn't go..you need to put yourself first because they won't

OP, “doing the work” absolutely does not include putting yourself in situations that feel unsafe to you while you are trying to recover from an addiction. Your family may not truly understand this but you do. Follow your instincts on this one.

I can't imagine why he is doing this other than trying to be unkind! If he wants a weekend away there are other destinations where alcohol is not the main event. Seems very odd. For contrast my mum has had issues with drinking. When we went away I didn't drink at all.

@ohtobeme - that is a good idea - something to think about if the weekend does end up going ahead
@Hazeltrees - totally agree. All the adults (not my DC) including DH admit they are dependant drinkers but because they don't get messy ie they just get pleasantly pissed then go to bed - still working, no arguing/fighting etc - but they do admit they couldn't do a weekend/holiday without drinking. They are all very much aware of my problem and although they fully support me, them not drinking would never happen. DH generally doesn't drink to massive excess - he is the type who can have one or two beers or a glass of wine then stop, by he does always get drunk with this group of people. He's generally a 'lovely drunk' so it doesn't really bother me but the chat is soooo boring!

@Clingymcclang - thank you.
@cansu - I really don't think its deliberate. He is generally a lovely person but doens't understand addiction. He thinks because I can go and not drink, then problem solved. He doesn't think I have a right to expect others not to drink when they don't 'have a problem' as 'a problem' in his head is getting ridiculously drunk, causing arguments etc. He looks at in from a behaviouralist perspective (ie the act of drinking is the problem) rather than an emotional perspective. Like you with your mum, my lovely DD will say to me 'I won't drink mum and keep you company' but she still wants to take part in the board games, chat etc and doesn't get as annoyed by the shennaigans as I know I will! She sees DH and our friends tipsy and thinks its a laugh.

I remember you from another thread.

Your DH is being selfish and incredibly insensitive, does he want you to relapse?

It is not a normal or healthy decision to put an alcoholic who is seeking to recover in this situation. What a dick move from him.

He’s being unreasonable. It’s like he doesn’t fully understand or respect how difficult recovery is!!!

You are at a crucial point in your recovery!! It is so amazing that you can look at yourself from the outside and recognise triggers and difficult situations for yourself.

I would sit him down calmly and ask for no interruptions, tell him you would love to be able to say yes to this but you simply can’t because of your addiction etc and recovery. One day you might be able to but things are too fragile at the moment.

This is the equivalent of asking someone recovering from a broken leg to climb a mountain too soon.

Problem drinkers tend to accumulate "drinking buddies" who normalise their own drinking. I suspect that were you to go on this holiday, then your friends would put a huge amount of pressure on you to drink (I've been sober over 20 years, so have had a lot of experience of this - it's amazing how many people have tried to get me to drink over the years).

I have to be honest, I would be concerned as to why your DH is encouraging you to go. If your drinking has been that damaging in the past, then why does he want to risk you starting again? Most partners of alcoholics are terrified of them taking up behaviours that would have previously led to them drinking.

So a recovering alcoholic is being expected to spend four days surrounded by drinking alcoholics? That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I’m married to a recovering alcoholic - nearly three years sober now - and I’d never, ever consider putting him in that position. I can’t believe your bloke thinks this is OK.

@Crunchymum - yeah, I remember you too! Its hard for me as I feel so guilty about the hurt I have caused and DH is deep down a good man - I really believe he thinks its just something I need to get used to and that I will be ok. But maybe I'm being naive and maybe he is being a bit of a dick! There's just that wee voice inside me saying that I deserve to be punished 😔

You absolutely don’t deserve to be punished. You have an illness that you’re very bravely battling - and your bloke isn’t supporting you. Do you go to AA meetings? Given the lack of support at home it might be helpful to get some from people who understand what you’re going through.

And congratulations on getting sober, it’s a huge thing.

If you are worried about a relapse due to constant drinking then yanbu.

If you will be a bit bored sober while the others drink i would go because dh so keen so would suck it up.

In time you may get used to it

But it doesn't sound like time to me and you know it's not

Would you be able to go on a different holiday with a friend where there's no drinking involved whilst you husband and kids go on the piss up holiday?

Absolutely don't go - it sounds like everybody in the group has disordered attitudes towards drinking. IMO, your DH and DC should be arranging a no-drinking holiday to support you, but from what you say, the group are incapable of enjoying themselves without alcohol.

You are doing brilliantly to have made so much progress - put that first!

It would be a no from me. You go on trips to enjoy them not to endure them. Your DC are old enough to be independant (it's not like you're needed for childcare). You don't want to go, you don't need to go. Your DH should accept this and either book a trip you ALL want to do, take those who WANT to go (and enable you to do something you want/need at the same time) or save his money for another point.

Maybe he needs to try Al Anon... might open his eyes in terms of supporting you (and his own drinking!) You clearly need some more therapy around your guilt. But this destructive trip isn't it. You won't 'look forward to it' you will dread it and it will add to your stress!

My mum was a problem drinker and my dad always worried about boozy get togethers. She was Irish and had a pretty boozy family. I think your DH is unreasonable. To be honest if I was a friend of yours I would think it incredibly insensitive to have even one drink in front of you. If the weekend involved a meal with a few drinks I might say you could deal with it - but that’s not what is happening.

I don't understand how your husband can not see your point of view OP.

I assume he's seen what alcohol has done to you in the past ?

it's like emotional blackmail...if you don't come we have no holiday.... that's not a great attitude from him.

Be proud of how far you've come OP and don't take yourself down.

Hello OP. You are on the right track! Find yourself a new set of friends through a hobby or other non drinking social activity. But do replace the void of drinking with some positive activity this weekend. Spend the evenings at a couple of AA meetings?

OP I love a drink (too much!), and our weekends and holidays often revolve around pubs and bars, not every day, but quite a lot. However, if I was one of your friends, or your family, and knew what you had been through I wouldn't touch a drop on that weekend away. I'd do lovely walks with you, cinema, great food, other stuff.

I know you're not asking them to do that, but I think it's very insensitive for them to plan a piss up holiday like this.

You've done so well to get this far and you certainly don't deserve to be punished!

I think you have been pretty fair in owning your recovery and giving your family the space to do their thing without involving you. I think you should book something different for that weekend so they can go away and not worry about you. A spa/yoga weekend, a country hike, etc. to have something to do.
They are allowed to have their fun but it cannot put your recovery at risk.
Also why are you paying for the whole thing?

I understand what you mean about the feeling that given all the chaos and hurt you caused during your active addiction years, perhaps this is part of "giving back" to your family - going along with things that aren't ideal for you all the time. However, I think this is too much. You are not long out of your "worst" years (in the grand scheme of things), and your partner wants to take you on a four day trip where it's known that drinking will feature heavily? Who takes an alcoholic to any occasions that will feature alcohol? He's being very, very unreasonable and putting you in a difficult position. It's one thing to maybe ask you to tolerate alcohol being around at an evening event that is important to you all as a family, but a four day trip? Where everyone is mainly going to be drinking? No. Not on.

Absolutely do not go. The fact he will even consider it, never mind try to pressure you into it, shows he doesn’t understand, and probably has alcohol issues himself.

I think the idea of letting the others go but being with someone else who doesn’t drink/ can stay away from it, is the best idea.

Yes me too. Exactly. There’s no way I could drink in front of you, and subject you to a weekend like that.

And I say that as someone who would choose to have a drink otherwise.