Deliberately putting this in AIBU rather than Alcohol Support so I get the full, unfiltered range of views. It’s long so apologies in advance.
I am a problem drinker. Been battling a psychological addiction to alcohol (as a means of getting unconscious) for several years now. It has at times been really bad – literally lying in the gutter drunk on occasions. One hospital admission. Many, many hellish arguments with DH and adult DC. Spoiling holidays/parties etc- you get the picture. Couldn’t go more than 10 days without a 3 – 4 day bender – it has been BAD. Abuse of alcohol started in response to finding out a hellish family secret (my own/biological family as opposed to my current DH/DC family ), triggering of (my) childhood sexual abuse. Started drinking wine to get to sleep then progressed to bottles of vodka/gin/anything to literally drown out the thoughts on repeat in my head.
I’ve done literally everything treatment wise but still struggling – not with physical cravings to drink, more with what I have become through the drinking. Therapy has helped and the last year has been better. Managing weeks/months totally sober. “Only” three benders in the past 12 months and they were not “too bad” – managed to stop after 1.5/2 days. I’m not trying to make excuses or anything, just trying to get over that although I am not there yet, I am definitely feeling I am getting there. My head is in a much much better place and I am generally happy and at peace about 90% of the time.
Here is my AIBU. DH wants us to plan a weekend away with the DC and friends in a few months time. We will be paying for it and it will be around £3k (we can afford this). I love the people we are going with but I do not want to go. I said they could all go and I would stay behind but that was a solid ‘no’ from DH – if I’m not going, the trip won’t be going ahead. (He/DC couldn’t enjoy it worrying that I was staying at home alone getting wasted).
My reasons for not wanting to go are;
- Everyone will be drinking big time. My DC (both in their 20s) drink but not to excess but everyone else going will drink lots. Day and evening drinking. There will be no bad behaviour/arguing or anything but it means hangovers and hairs of the dog the next day and no wish to do anything. Also that annoying drunken chat which is great if you are part of it, but so boring if you are sober.
- The break is in the UK and the weather could be shit, making it harder for me to get away from the drinking and go for walks, cycle or whatever. Happy to read in my room at night but days could be long and problematic as they will want to go to the pub if the weather is bad. Even if the weather is good, it will be walks that end up in the pub.
- Although we can afford it, the money could get us a better (in my opinion) break that doesn’t revolve around drinking. Just me and DH where I don’t have to make any big effort to be sociable.
- DH says it will give us “something to look forward to” but it is not for me!
- I am only asking him to delay some sort of trip until I feel “safe” to do it. So we could plan for spring or something when I will feel stronger and the weather might be better.
I know I can 100% go to the weekend and stay sober (done it before, many times) so that is not my issue. I just feel that DH is being really insensitive in wanting to go on essentially a very expensive long weekend piss up at a time when I am trying to get back on the right path and leave the harmful drinking behind me. I can go and not drink but every second is a reminder that I cannot drink and the harm I have caused through my alcohol abuse.
But……I have really fucked up my life/family life with the drinking so maybe I owe it to them to just suck it up and go on the weekend. Maybe this is what people mean when they say you “have to do the work”. Maybe “the work” is doing things I don’t enjoy to somehow make up for the hurt I’ve caused. And just to reinforce, I know I can do the weekend sober, its just the thought of sitting there watching everyone else drink, feeling ‘abnormal’ then putting up with boring chat once everyone is half pissed. So please give me your thoughts on me not wanting this weekend to go ahead.
YANBU – DH shouldn’t ask you to go away on a four day piss up at a time when you are still recovering from abusing alcohol. You need to be selfish and put yourself and your recovery first.
YABU – you are the problem here, not them. It’s only four days, you know you can do them sober and DH and the DC deserve to have something to look forward to. If you hate it, too bad – think of all the times you’ve made their lives hell.