AIBU to not want to go on this weekend away

[2023forme]

Deliberately putting this in AIBU rather than Alcohol Support so I get the full, unfiltered range of views. It’s long so apologies in advance.

I am a problem drinker. Been battling a psychological addiction to alcohol (as a means of getting unconscious) for several years now. It has at times been really bad – literally lying in the gutter drunk on occasions. One hospital admission. Many, many hellish arguments with DH and adult DC. Spoiling holidays/parties etc- you get the picture. Couldn’t go more than 10 days without a 3 – 4 day bender – it has been BAD. Abuse of alcohol started in response to finding out a hellish family secret (my own/biological family as opposed to my current DH/DC family ), triggering of (my) childhood sexual abuse. Started drinking wine to get to sleep then progressed to bottles of vodka/gin/anything to literally drown out the thoughts on repeat in my head.

I’ve done literally everything treatment wise but still struggling – not with physical cravings to drink, more with what I have become through the drinking. Therapy has helped and the last year has been better. Managing weeks/months totally sober. “Only” three benders in the past 12 months and they were not “too bad” – managed to stop after 1.5/2 days. I’m not trying to make excuses or anything, just trying to get over that although I am not there yet, I am definitely feeling I am getting there. My head is in a much much better place and I am generally happy and at peace about 90% of the time.

Here is my AIBU. DH wants us to plan a weekend away with the DC and friends in a few months time. We will be paying for it and it will be around £3k (we can afford this). I love the people we are going with but I do not want to go. I said they could all go and I would stay behind but that was a solid ‘no’ from DH – if I’m not going, the trip won’t be going ahead. (He/DC couldn’t enjoy it worrying that I was staying at home alone getting wasted).

My reasons for not wanting to go are;

• Everyone will be drinking big time. My DC (both in their 20s) drink but not to excess but everyone else going will drink lots. Day and evening drinking. There will be no bad behaviour/arguing or anything but it means hangovers and hairs of the dog the next day and no wish to do anything. Also that annoying drunken chat which is great if you are part of it, but so boring if you are sober.
• The break is in the UK and the weather could be shit, making it harder for me to get away from the drinking and go for walks, cycle or whatever. Happy to read in my room at night but days could be long and problematic as they will want to go to the pub if the weather is bad. Even if the weather is good, it will be walks that end up in the pub.
• Although we can afford it, the money could get us a better (in my opinion) break that doesn’t revolve around drinking. Just me and DH where I don’t have to make any big effort to be sociable.
• DH says it will give us “something to look forward to” but it is not for me!
• I am only asking him to delay some sort of trip until I feel “safe” to do it. So we could plan for spring or something when I will feel stronger and the weather might be better.

I know I can 100% go to the weekend and stay sober (done it before, many times) so that is not my issue. I just feel that DH is being really insensitive in wanting to go on essentially a very expensive long weekend piss up at a time when I am trying to get back on the right path and leave the harmful drinking behind me. I can go and not drink but every second is a reminder that I cannot drink and the harm I have caused through my alcohol abuse.

But……I have really fucked up my life/family life with the drinking so maybe I owe it to them to just suck it up and go on the weekend. Maybe this is what people mean when they say you “have to do the work”. Maybe “the work” is doing things I don’t enjoy to somehow make up for the hurt I’ve caused. And just to reinforce, I know I can do the weekend sober, its just the thought of sitting there watching everyone else drink, feeling ‘abnormal’ then putting up with boring chat once everyone is half pissed. So please give me your thoughts on me not wanting this weekend to go ahead.

YANBU – DH shouldn’t ask you to go away on a four day piss up at a time when you are still recovering from abusing alcohol. You need to be selfish and put yourself and your recovery first.
YABU – you are the problem here, not them. It’s only four days, you know you can do them sober and DH and the DC deserve to have something to look forward to. If you hate it, too bad – think of all the times you’ve made their lives hell.

I had a friend who had alcohol issues.
Her husband said to me once that he knew the only way she would be able to stop and get her health back as if the rest of the family didn’t plan all their get togethers around drinking - but he didn’t want to do this.
I am not going to depress you with details but my friend was never able to completely stop drinking and it ended very badly for her.
If they all know that alcohol is a trigger for you, even if you don’t drink yourself then them not being able or willing to spend a weekend with little or no booze is pretty selfish
I wouldn’t go in your schoes

Nothing is as important as your recovery OP. Because without your sobriety, you have or would end up having, nothing at all.
I think the weekend is a very bad idea for you and there's no point in pleasing your family in the short term if it means you'll end up causing greater damage by your behaviour in the longer term.
Your husband should indeed be a lot more sensitive. But he's an alcoholic isn't he? So he can't be relied on to prioritise you over an opportunity to drink. You need to prioritise yourself.

It's unfair that he is trying to essentially force you to go. You are happy for everyone else to go but don't want to go yourself quite rightly. That's totally reasonable of you. I would stand firm, if he tries manipulating you by saying nobody goes then just reply 'oh well that's a shame but I am not going on a boozy weekend'. Repeat every single time.

Is he trying to sabotage your recovery? There is no way I would put my spouse/partner through this is they were in early stages of recovery. He is being really selfish and I am baffled by his attitude. If he can't put you before a weekend long piss up, maybe he has issues around alcohol too.

If you do stay home alone, make sure you have some support OP.

I don't drink at all, but this all sounds like a cluster fuck in the making.

He is setting you up to fail. Why??

Just catching up with the thread - thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

89% think IANBU and 11% think I am. Only one comment from that side - @Ellie1015 thank you for your point of view - it is partly about me just finding it boring and that’s why I’m struggling with saying no. But it goes deeper than that with regards to me forgiving myself and moving forward and putting it behind me. I just hate the feelings that come when others are drinking and I’m not - it just brings back all the shame I feel, the regret, the horrible things I did.

That’s not to say I want to brush them under the carpet, but I’ve learned from therapy /sober recovery group that forgiving myself /those behaviours is vital to moving forward and finding peace within myself.

I actually decided to talk to DH after the first responses to the post which helped me believe IWBU and he had scrapped the idea and we’ve instead booked something nice just for the two of us. I think he is well intentioned but doesn’t think things through.

someone asked why are we paying for it all - we came into a bit of money and DH wants to thank friends who have shown us massive support over the past few years (my drinking, bereavements etc) and helped with a lot of home improvements and these friends wouldn’t be able to come otherwise. I also think that DH has a bit of the “glorious benefactor” about him if I’m honest but I don’t want to make him sound bad as he really is a lovely person.

Ah I'm really pleased that you were able to speak to your DH about it, and that he's changed the plans!

That's good news. You keep going ,now. You can do it!

I cannot imagine suggesting a drinking holiday to an alcoholic doing their best not to drink.
That's so unreasonable as to be off the charts!

It is hard as everything still needs to be about you and your needs and your alcohol issues. They can’t plan or go in the vacation they want with their friends because of your issues. It sounds like your alcohol issues have controlled a lot of the family choices for years and they are pushing back against it.

I think they should go and you can stay home and do your own thing. I don’t think it is fair to them that vacations can only be where you want and with who you want and how you want.

Many times on here it is said that any partner who lets their mental illness of addiction impact their family is selfish asshole who should be dumped and that supporting a partner does not mean catering in any way to them.

That's a great outcome, it's good you've been able to talk this through and change plans, it sounded like an awful idea.
But, from your husband's perspective, your alcoholism will have taken it's toll. He might be feeling (as I did with my recovering addict partner) that your recovery is also stressful for him (a constant reminder) and your kids and he just wanted a holiday without having to think about your addiction for once. An addict is exhausting. It puts them at the centre of attention all the time, whether through active using or in between using, your family will have been poised, waiting until the next time you went on a bender and needed rescuing, or worse. So easier for him to have you there where he would have the support of friends rather than spending the whole holiday worrying what you might be doing back at home.
However, that huge burden of guilt you carry does not mean that you should be punished or put yourself in such difficult situation unnecessarily. It's early days, it sounds like you're doing well, and fantastic that you've been able to talk it through with him. Keep going, it will get easier, his trust in you will return, you will get there. Good luck x

@saffronsoup - fair points. We did do a vacation with these friends in April (I didn’t drink) and DH has two “boys weekends” arranged with two of the male friends. The DC have both had two holidays this year - one with us and one with their friends/partner. So it’s not like the family are not having holidays/fun times. I’m not stopping them doing that - I just want to focus on my recovery and get the rest of this year behind me.

if this was our only holiday, I would absolutely go and just get through it. But we are fortunate that we’ve done quite a lot so I don’t see the “need” to go away at this time.

That’s grossly unfair. Alcoholism is a family illness, it affects everyone who’s close to the person with the illness and most people who are close to that person will move heaven and earth to help them stay sober.

Anyway, it’s great that your bloke understands @2023forme and that he’s taken steps to support you. Your sobriety is still very young and you definitely don’t need to be put into situations that threaten it. Really pleased for you.

Thank you @Donutsforbreakfast - I completed take on board what you are saying.

It has been awful for them and I know it will take a long time for them to not always be worrying about me drinking. I am very lucky in the support I have and am determined to move on from this.

It’s great that you’ve resolved this but it’s all sorts of madness that DH thinks that an appropriate way to thank family and friends for their support around your drinking is by taking them on a weekend that revolves around drinking.

There are many, many ways of enjoying yourselves and it would be much healthier for all of you to find new activities you’ll enjoy together rather than you sitting there uncomfortably while they all sit boozing.

Big congratulations and best of luck to you.

Where on earth are you going for 3k for the weekend?!

If it were me I’d let them go but stay with someone whilst they’re away who will keep you on the straight and narrow!

Structurally, the whole set up sounds very unhealthy.

Have you had any family therapy? Does DH do any Al-Anon? TBH, if you have £3k I’d pay for your DC to have the therapy they badly need. Sorry to be blunt but it seems as though none of you can see the wood for the trees.

It sounds like you are not the only one in the family who has a problem relationship with alcohol.

A weekend away does not need to be a 4 day piss up. That's crazy.

This is a terrible terrible idea !! Have a weekend away sightseeing not boozing ! I dont drink now and when I stopped, I absolutely refused to go to boozy weekends or holidays. I had to let go of friends who continued to binge drink.

Your DH is trying to enable you to drink again. Tell him to piss off on his own with the group and use your share of the money to have a gentle spa weekend and some R and R.
Honestly - don’t do it xx

It is good that you have decided to book somewhere just the two of you.

Why not put the rest aside and give yourself a goal to stay sober, and then go for another treat once you get there.

The problem is, that your house needs to be alcohol free from now on. Remove the temptation and become an ex drinker. And consider going to a recovery programme, you need external support.

I think it's massively unsupportive of your DH to suggest a weekend centered around drinking, knowing your struggles. Especially when he is effectively black mailing you into going by threatening to cancel if you don't. That's a shitty thing to do and I cant' help but wonder if it's rooted in resentment. Yes, you screwed up, that doesn't mean you should continue to be punished for it.

Thanks for the ongoing replies. I didn't want to make the original post any longer than it already was but to answer a few questions. Yes, I completed a recovery programme and I attend a support group. My therapist discussed family therapy with me but DH and DS were not keen - they both said they would feel too awkward. It's just not their thing. DD however found out about the family secret by accident - she overheard a conversation I was having with a family member - she was supposed to be working but got sent home early as the restaurant was too quiet and I didn't hear her come in - and it freaked her out. So she felt she would benefit from therapy and was willing to try. She also had experienced abuse from an ex boyfriend so she wasn't in a great place and did find it helped her. Some of her friends had had therapy so she was more 'into' it.

I am not tempted by others drinking but it does trigger awful feelings inside me. My drinking is planned - I feel it creep up on me, the awful thoughts on a loop in my head, the insomnia, depression/anxiety and just general shit - so I plan to get unconscious to drown it out. Alcohol being in the house or not doesn't matter - I buy the booze, hide it for a few days then take myself out of it by drinking. This is what I need to get control of - I am never tempted to drink just because there is a bottle of wine in the fridge or some beers. I never actually drink what is in the house - only the 'secret' alcohol.

OP don't go. What a horrible experience for you. I have a close relative who is where you are. She would say exactly as you do, that she can do it, she's done it before, she won't be tempted to drink. And I know that's true. But I still wouldn't plan something like that with her as I know there are so many other ways we can spend time together that are much more appealing for her.

You're already doing amazingly well coping with your husbands moderate drinking and not making it uncomfortable for him. It's unreasonable for him to insist that you partake in this. He's being ridiculously literal about your sobriety and not applying any humanity to his thinking at all.