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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle a debate with DH and I?

60 replies

Libertyadd · 02/08/2023 07:50

DH does a hobby once a week. He isn’t close with the people in it but there’s a natural camaraderie and the hope that he would make closer friends over time. he’s relatively new to the group.

Recently, the hobby all met at a mini social round one of their houses. The person’s who house it was, let’s say Adam, DH felt he bonded with most.

Cue today, DH has received a message from Adam to say that he and his wife have a spare ticket to a food event locally and would he and his wife like to come with them?

the event is held by a large corporation (as in the food company and the shop - it is not a local independent thing), it’s not exclusive or in limited supply, and whilst it’s something DH and I would enjoy, it’s not something we’d think to go to.

I said to DH it sounds great, we don’t have any couple friends locally as all our friends live in London (we are Home Counties) or further afield. So it would be nice for him and I’m always up for socialising.

DH agrees it sounds good with Adam. Adam then says that he will grab me a ticket and they’re £20 each btw so DH will need to pay Adam for the spare ticket as well as the cost to buy me one. Adam explicitly invited me (“your wife”) because he’s going with his wife and it would be weird as a threesome, I assume.

Now this is the disagreement with DH and I. Adam has a spare ticket which they’ve bought because they were going with someone else (I assume) and they’ve pulled out. The way DH was invited, I think it’s wrong to expect DH to pay for the ticket - it is a sunk cost to them. I believe it is entirely appropriate that I would have to pay for my ticket though since they would need to buy this in addition. DH says he doesn’t agree and you’d always expect to have to compensate someone for the ticket.

FWIW, the event would have been announced a while ago, theyre not sold out, it isn’t exclusive. The event is tomorrow so our invite is last minute / definitely because they’ve had a drop out.

YABU - it is entirely normal and acceptable that they expect DH to pay them for the spare ticket they had
YANBU - they made it sound like it was free since they had it “spare”.

OP posts:
Dombasle · 02/08/2023 07:54

Poor communication from Adam, he made it sound like he was giving away the ticket.

However, I would always offer to pay for the ticket anyway.

Your ticket would of course have to be paid for.

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2023 07:54

Well you won't have a couple friend for long. Of course you should pay. If there's food/drink bought, get your own because you are too petty to get into rounds and you'll spoil things for your DH.

Doingmybest12 · 02/08/2023 07:54

Don't bother going if you don't want to. I would offer to buy the ticket . I don't think they are doing anything wrong by asking , I wouldn't ask for the money but many would. Either go or not but its not a big deal.

Hiddenvoice · 02/08/2023 07:54

This is tough! I regularly invite friends out to do something with my dh but they usually pay their way. At first we used to pay for everything and vice Versa but it just became too expensive and now we all pay for our own stuff.

Maybe as a one off you guys pay and go enjoy a night out. If you get on with the couple then it’s something you could do more but when you’re arranging stuff you just pay your own way.

KateyCuckoo · 02/08/2023 07:55

Presumably they are using the money to reimburse the person who can no longer go? The reason of which you have no idea about. Weird that you think a stranger should give your DH a freebie.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 07:56

I wouldn't have asked for £20 for your DH ticket, but that's just me. For the sake of an extra £20 I'd pay and gov, enjoy yourself and see how the friendship progresses.

It does indicate that your potential 'new' friends are either frugal, tight or skint so be aware that you don't offer to cover things (as in, 'oh I'll get this round') as it's likely the favour won't be returned.

I have really good friends like this, they are happy to let me and dh pay for things, but anything else is split 50/50, they are great people and we get on really well and I enjoy their company, it just means that we no longer ever cover anything and expect it to be returned.

Frabbits · 02/08/2023 07:57

Of course you have to pay for the ticket. Don't be that cheeky fucker.

VictoriaVenkman · 02/08/2023 07:57

Did sound as if they were offering the ticket for free. It should have been explicit if they wanted your DH to purchase the ticket.

Piranhaha · 02/08/2023 07:58

I think they should have been clear up front that they had a spare ticket that they wanted to SELL. If you tell someone you have a spare ticket and ask if they want it without stating a price, they’ll assume you’re giving it away.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 02/08/2023 07:59

Totally agree with you. They should have given your DH the spare ticket and suggested you might want to come/are invited if you do want to come, if you buy another ticket. I think the way Adam went about it was sneaky.

cruffinsmuffin · 02/08/2023 08:00

I mean it's not really a sunk cost as it can be recovered - I'd always expect to pay for both tickets, as presumably the person not going is no longer going to pay if they can't go.

It's normal in my experience if someone can't go to something their ticket is resold if possible, so I'd think it would be standard for both of your tickets to be paid for.

FrivolousTreeDuck · 02/08/2023 08:01

Piranhaha · 02/08/2023 07:58

I think they should have been clear up front that they had a spare ticket that they wanted to SELL. If you tell someone you have a spare ticket and ask if they want it without stating a price, they’ll assume you’re giving it away.

I agree with this.

BellaJuno · 02/08/2023 08:03

If I’d been in your DH’s position, I’d have offered to pay when I replied to accept - he was offered a spare ticket, not a free ticket. I wouldn’t have assumed it was being given for free of it wasn’t explicitly offered as such. “Sounds good, how much do you want for the ticket?” was the perfect opportunity to clarify if it was a freebie or not.

Sounds like a good opportunity to make local friends, I wouldn’t sour it by quibbling over the money.

Excitingnewusername · 02/08/2023 08:04

It seems like poor communication from them. If I expected someone to pay for a ticket I'd not describe it as spare, and would be clear in my first message how much the event cost. Otherwise you risk putting someone in the embarrassing position of accepting the invite, then having to refuse due to cost.

I'd also always offer to pay for any ticket offered as spare.

Thegrumpycup · 02/08/2023 08:06

Having been the friend asked to go last minute on more than one occasion when someone else flakes out, I'd always offer to pay for the ticket. Especially if the person inviting me is out of pocket through no fault of their own.

Doingmybest12 · 02/08/2023 08:08

So many things he could have phrased differently but ultimately do you want to make friends with them or not, can you afford to go or not. I think how ever this was suggested you'd have had issues with.

DreamItDoIt · 02/08/2023 08:13

Adam should have stated the cost at the start. I'm quite old fashioned and think when someone invites you there's no cost unless they state it. However these days I now always assume there's a cost so I can think 'do I want to pay to go to this event?' So I try and find out or ask. I also think that for saying I've got a spare indicates it's free, but that's just me.

So Adam should have said and in the absence of info your DH should have asked. Luckily the tickets are cheap (assuming you can afford it here). If you don't want to or can't afford to pay then just tell your DH that you've changed your mind.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 02/08/2023 08:13

How terribly generous of them to ask you to cover the cost of their spare ticket. Tell them you’ve already bought tickets.

DreamItDoIt · 02/08/2023 08:15

Also are you sure it's not a bigger group going and he's organising - 1 ticket is a bit odd.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2023 08:16

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2023 07:54

Well you won't have a couple friend for long. Of course you should pay. If there's food/drink bought, get your own because you are too petty to get into rounds and you'll spoil things for your DH.

Straight in there with the insults 🙄

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 02/08/2023 08:17

YABU. I would always expect to pay, even if not asked to I would insist.

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 08:21

Adam has been unclear, he should have said ‘i have a spare ticket, would like like to join us? The tickets are £20 each, so £40 for you both.’

I’d still go if you want to, but I’d be careful in case Adam tries anything. I suggest you take cash so you and DH can pay your share easily for any meals. And don’t get into rounds.

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 08:23

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 07:56

I wouldn't have asked for £20 for your DH ticket, but that's just me. For the sake of an extra £20 I'd pay and gov, enjoy yourself and see how the friendship progresses.

It does indicate that your potential 'new' friends are either frugal, tight or skint so be aware that you don't offer to cover things (as in, 'oh I'll get this round') as it's likely the favour won't be returned.

I have really good friends like this, they are happy to let me and dh pay for things, but anything else is split 50/50, they are great people and we get on really well and I enjoy their company, it just means that we no longer ever cover anything and expect it to be returned.

How have they reacted to you and DH stopping paying for things?

Jyas · 02/08/2023 08:28

It sounds like your DH is not that close with Adam (yet). I think it’s acceptable to sell a ticket to an acquaintance. If it was a friend, then I would have expected that they’re offering it for free.

gettingoldisshit · 02/08/2023 08:31

Piranhaha · 02/08/2023 07:58

I think they should have been clear up front that they had a spare ticket that they wanted to SELL. If you tell someone you have a spare ticket and ask if they want it without stating a price, they’ll assume you’re giving it away.

Absolutely this