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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle a debate with DH and I?

60 replies

Libertyadd · 02/08/2023 07:50

DH does a hobby once a week. He isn’t close with the people in it but there’s a natural camaraderie and the hope that he would make closer friends over time. he’s relatively new to the group.

Recently, the hobby all met at a mini social round one of their houses. The person’s who house it was, let’s say Adam, DH felt he bonded with most.

Cue today, DH has received a message from Adam to say that he and his wife have a spare ticket to a food event locally and would he and his wife like to come with them?

the event is held by a large corporation (as in the food company and the shop - it is not a local independent thing), it’s not exclusive or in limited supply, and whilst it’s something DH and I would enjoy, it’s not something we’d think to go to.

I said to DH it sounds great, we don’t have any couple friends locally as all our friends live in London (we are Home Counties) or further afield. So it would be nice for him and I’m always up for socialising.

DH agrees it sounds good with Adam. Adam then says that he will grab me a ticket and they’re £20 each btw so DH will need to pay Adam for the spare ticket as well as the cost to buy me one. Adam explicitly invited me (“your wife”) because he’s going with his wife and it would be weird as a threesome, I assume.

Now this is the disagreement with DH and I. Adam has a spare ticket which they’ve bought because they were going with someone else (I assume) and they’ve pulled out. The way DH was invited, I think it’s wrong to expect DH to pay for the ticket - it is a sunk cost to them. I believe it is entirely appropriate that I would have to pay for my ticket though since they would need to buy this in addition. DH says he doesn’t agree and you’d always expect to have to compensate someone for the ticket.

FWIW, the event would have been announced a while ago, theyre not sold out, it isn’t exclusive. The event is tomorrow so our invite is last minute / definitely because they’ve had a drop out.

YABU - it is entirely normal and acceptable that they expect DH to pay them for the spare ticket they had
YANBU - they made it sound like it was free since they had it “spare”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Libertyadd · 02/08/2023 08:34

DreamItDoIt · 02/08/2023 08:15

Also are you sure it's not a bigger group going and he's organising - 1 ticket is a bit odd.

I wonder this! But I don’t know.

Also, I should have said, I don’t really actually care about the cost. We can afford it. The ticket is simply entry so we will of course have to buy things there which is no issue.

The ticket would be hard to sell in other circumstances since you can easily pay for it on the door.

To me it’s the wording. I’d also have 100% never expected to be reimbursed for the ticket but that might just be me. I regularly just pay for things if I invite someone.

OP posts:
gannett · 02/08/2023 08:34

The way DH was invited, I think it’s wrong to expect DH to pay for the ticket - it is a sunk cost to them

Weird of you to assume this. I don't think anyone considers a spare ticket to be a sunk cost. If I've bought two tickets and my friend (who was originally going to pay me for the second) drops out, I'm obviously looking for someone else also willing to pay for a ticket. Adam expected his original friend to pay so why do you think he was willing to pay for your husband?

If I was offered a spare ticket I'd assume I was paying unless it was made clear that it was a freebie.

Original poster
Libertyadd · 02/08/2023 08:37

Also, I should add, I didn’t think the event was a paid for event. I thought it was free since it is entry into a building which at all other times is free… I think all original text messages up until the point of Adam asking for money implied it was free but ticketed due to numbers (I have changed the actual event etc to be ambiguous)

It is the equivalent of their being a cheese tasting at Tesco, someone says “do you want a spare ticket I have to this for you and your wife” and then you’re asking to pay for it. It’s Tesco (it’s just another big chain)

OP posts:
Jyas · 02/08/2023 08:42

(Adding to my previous post - but yeah, Adam should have said straight away that it’s £20 when offering it)

Crimblecrumble1990 · 02/08/2023 08:48

I agree with you, the offering of a 'spare' ticket and also dictating who your husband should bring with him sounds like it was a gift.

I would have presumed it was free and bought them a couple of drinks while we were there as a thank you.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 08:49

@CherryMaDeara absolutely fine, it's now expected that everything is split 50/50. It makes it easier if anything, and certainly makes me feel better as I don't now walk away feeling miffed that we've spent more than them again.

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2023 08:50

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2023 08:16

Straight in there with the insults 🙄

Show quote history

Where's the insult? It's my pov. Another poster has said the same. Some people can't afford to treat others, others won't pay for people who aren't family. The OP doesn't know if they could have sold the ticket.

BillaBongGirl · 02/08/2023 08:52

I think they were clear with your DH, and he wasn’t clear with you.

luckylavender · 02/08/2023 08:56

Depends on how much you want new friends I'd say.

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 08:56

I think for someone who proclaims to be so generous and state you regularly pay for people. You are having an odd moment of tightness/grabbyness. It’s not the way to make friends.

this isn’t some old friend, of course you should both pay to go, why should you expect him to cover the cost for one of you.

pay the money, go have fun. Don’t do what you’re doing.

Hiddenvoice · 02/08/2023 09:02

There was an event near me recently which was a ticketed event but previously to gain entry to the place was free. Just for the event they put on tickets so they could gain money. It happens regularly sadly.

If you want to become friends with them and want to go then I wouldn’t be trying to argue it with dh and just pay to go. It can be a one off. If you don’t want to pay to go then say to dh and he can make the choice to go on his own and pay if he wants.

Original poster
Libertyadd · 02/08/2023 09:09

I think everyone is missing the point here and maybe I should have been clearer.

We will pay and not mention this discussion.

This was a debate with DH and I over behaviour and how people explain things over text, because I read the texts differently to him. That’s all. It’s lighthearted.

The couple are rich rich (landowners, top 0.1%) but we are comfortable and would have been just as enthusiastic if they had said “it’s £20 each” to begin with, it’s that they didn’t. I think the assumption comes across it’s free which some have agreed with.

Instead this post has been skewed by what someone should do and should pay and whether people are being tight which I don’t care about.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/08/2023 09:10

I don't think there is much of a debate here. Adams message is not at all clear and coule be interpreted either way. He should have made clear the cost in his invite. Some people would expect it to be free but lots of people would offer to reimburse either way so that someone else isn't out of pocket (see recent CF on holiday thread)

Lkahsvtv · 02/08/2023 09:14

In this scenario I’ve invited people and they’ve offered the money for the ticket; I’ve said no it’s ok for the reasons you say and they’ve bought the coffees or drinks etc as a thank you which I think is a good way round it.

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 09:22

I didn’t think the event was a paid for event. I thought it was free since it is entry into a building which at all other times is free…

Have you checked that isn’t free?

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 02/08/2023 09:24

It wouldn't occur to me that a "spare ticket" meant a "free ticket"

SarahAndQuack · 02/08/2023 09:26

It sounds as if you are micromanaging your DH's social life TBH. If my DP said she'd had a text from someone in this context, I might say 'oh, I got the impression they were trying to find someone to give the ticket away to at first' but I wouldn't care or think further about it if DP disagreed. How DP and friends communicate is their business, not mine.

Is your DH perhaps not very good at being sociable so you feel protective of him? IMO it is unusual to invest this amount of significance into something very tiny, which he's already told you he interprets differently.

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 09:27

SarahAndQuack · 02/08/2023 09:26

It sounds as if you are micromanaging your DH's social life TBH. If my DP said she'd had a text from someone in this context, I might say 'oh, I got the impression they were trying to find someone to give the ticket away to at first' but I wouldn't care or think further about it if DP disagreed. How DP and friends communicate is their business, not mine.

Is your DH perhaps not very good at being sociable so you feel protective of him? IMO it is unusual to invest this amount of significance into something very tiny, which he's already told you he interprets differently.

Eh? It’s a lighthearted debate between a married couple, they do happen! And OP is invited to the event too.

DappledThings · 02/08/2023 09:27

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 02/08/2023 09:24

It wouldn't occur to me that a "spare ticket" meant a "free ticket"

Me either. If I'm offered a spare ticket to something my first question back would be "what do I owe you?".

Jadeywithababy · 02/08/2023 09:34

I’m afraid it is reasonable to pay for a ticket that you’re using to attend an event. If they invited you before they purchased their own tickets you (surely?) wouldn’t just assume they were treating you so why should the timing of their purchase mean they are now out of pocket? It’s not a sunk cost, they’re very sensibly looking for someone else to use the ticket; if you hadn’t wanted to attend the event they would have asked someone different, but as you do want to attend of course you need to pay for your share unless they are insisting that they want to treat you.

JaukiVexnoydi · 02/08/2023 09:38

I think DH can reply something like - "ah - sorry I misunderstood, but please don't buy an extra ticket for Liberty, not really something she's up for. I said yes to stop a ticket from going to waste but that's different from buying more. How about we book up (suggest different thing on a future weekend thar is something you would genuinely enjoy) for the 4 of us instead? Still happy to join you solo for (this thing) if you don't mind going as a 3, unless you have other takers for the spare ticket."

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 09:38

They should have made it clear they were offering to SELL you a ticket. Not inviting you to make use of one that was going to waste.

If I was Adam I would invite you along asking you to make use of a ticket that would otherwise go to waste. That said, if I was you I would offer to pay for the ticket (assuming I wanted to go). If Adam refused to accept payment (as I would frankly, as you say it's a sunk cost) then I would have probably bought a round of drinks or something as a thank you while at the event.

MakeMeShine · 02/08/2023 09:41

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 02/08/2023 09:24

It wouldn't occur to me that a "spare ticket" meant a "free ticket"

Agreed.

sashh · 02/08/2023 09:46

It depends.

I had a spare ticket to the Good food show, I easily sold it at the venue so if he could do the same I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your DH to pay.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2023 09:52

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2023 08:50

Where's the insult? It's my pov. Another poster has said the same. Some people can't afford to treat others, others won't pay for people who aren't family. The OP doesn't know if they could have sold the ticket.

Show quote history

"you are too petty to get into rounds and you'll spoil things for your DH."

Here it is. You could just as easily express your opinion (which is perfectly valid) by saying "it would be petty", which has no suggestion of nastiness about it.