Page 2 | Am I a b*tch for feeling less attracted to my fiancé everyday…

madeinmanc · 01/08/2023 08:41

The Pespi is his choice really, isn' t? But cleaning is a shared responsibility.

madeinmanc · 01/08/2023 08:42

He is a slob.

He is abusing his body. The Pepsi habit will ruin his teeth and his gut flora. I bet his diet is crap too. Now look at men who don't take care of themselves who are 20, 30 older. That'll be him one day...

Imagine if a man wrote this about a woman, it would be considered pure incel hate. I don't think it's an acceptable way to speak about people.

INeedAnotherName · 01/08/2023 08:49

If there is no clean cutlery, he’ll use the handle of a spoon to butter toast or a fork to eat a yoghurt
That will be the one that does it for you. Because he will expect your child to do the same and that it's abnormal to be fussy about clean things.

What else will he be training your joint child to do?

Peony654 · 01/08/2023 08:49

CoffeeDrinkerLatte · 01/08/2023 08:38

Why is it okay to have coffee for breakfast but not Pepsi?

Because coffee is not packed with chemicals and additives and sweeteners

Peony654 · 01/08/2023 08:50

The Pepsi alone would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t be with someone who abuses their body like that.

Heronwatcher · 01/08/2023 08:52

Don’t marry him. If you feel like this you’ll be climbing the walls within a few years and have to pay to extract yourself from the situation.

VeridicalVagabond · 01/08/2023 08:52

I'm sorry but I had to laugh at him eating yoghurt with a fork, reminds me of a time I was on the last day of a festival and had run out of basically everything so ended up eating peanut butter from the jar with a toothbrush. In my defense I was 17, your fiance is presumably an adult?

He sounds a bit hopeless. My husband sometimes does things that make me wonder if he's actually from Jupiter, but never anything that's made me lose attraction to him. If pepsi and eating yoghurt with a fork is enough to give you the ick then I suspect you weren't that into him to begin with (the handwashing I do agree with though, blergh). There's no shame in saying "I don't actually think we're all that compatible anymore" and moving on.

Little annoyances like this being this big a deal to you are a sign, to me, that you're subconsciously looking for a reason to end it. Because really how many of us in long term marriages and relationships can truly say our partner has never done anything that's made us go "what in god's name are you doing?"

Pinkdelight3 · 01/08/2023 08:55

The Pepsi addiction alone would turn me off him. His teeth must be pretty bad.

Eh? I don't see why it's any different to loads of people's coffee addiction. I drink coke instead of coffee/tea and find it bizarre that one is fine and the other gross in some way. The cutlery thing isn't great but it's not the grimmest thing in the world and if he's hardworking and good in other ways - which he must be for you to have already been with him 5 years, had a kid and got engaged - then it's weird to be put off by such minor matters at this point.

Still, it's your feelings and no one can tell you they're wrong. I don't think these things are particularly abnormal, everyone has their quirks and flaws, sure you have yours. But if you want to call it a day, you can for any reason you choose.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/08/2023 08:57

Because coffee is not packed with chemicals and additives and sweeteners

So are loads of foods these days. Should no one get engaged to anyone who eats them? Also don't kid yourself that coffee is some natural source of goodness. People drink it because they're hooked on the caffeine, that's all.

vincettenoir · 01/08/2023 09:02

I think it’s fairly common to be annoyed by your partners habits at home. My dh does things that annoy me and I do thinks that annoy him. That’s life, unfortunately. I don’t think it’s as hopeless as a lot of posters are suggesting.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2023 09:08

I think a conversation about the sugar issue is justified but caffeine wise is no different to someone who can't function without a coffee etc.

Why is there so frequently no clean cutlery? Does he go to spread his toast, realise so uses something else short term then come back and washes up after food, or is that your job as woman and he's merely helping by not expecting you to come and wash it up immediately?

Obv the hands things is an issue, esp with a small child. Does he do it in the hope you'll take over and he can do less or is it just not a habit he was raised with?

Wilkolampshade · 01/08/2023 09:09

vincettenoir · 01/08/2023 09:02

I think it’s fairly common to be annoyed by your partners habits at home. My dh does things that annoy me and I do thinks that annoy him. That’s life, unfortunately. I don’t think it’s as hopeless as a lot of posters are suggesting.

Agree.

Is he's kind, warm, loving, supportive? Is he funny? Clever? Do you make a good team? Do you have a strong physical relationship?... Surely all this is rather more important?
Do you think, perhaps, you might perhaps do something he dislikes?

Gerrataere · 01/08/2023 09:11

It’s horribly depressing to me how some women will excuse slobbish behaviour in men. The Pepsi thing less so, usually people get to their mid 30s and realise they can’t get away with having so much sugar anymore. But being lazy runs so much deeper in a family role. If he can’t even rinse a spoon for a yogurt I suspect there’s a million other house and child related chores he’s flaking on.

Original poster

NotGotAClue1 · 01/08/2023 09:19

There are some harsh comments on here, I was expecting people to say it’s normal for partners to have bad habits which annoy you! I have spoken to him about these things but he just says to stop nagging and give him a break. I wouldn’t have to nag if he just did it!

OP posts:

Charlize43 · 01/08/2023 09:20

It sounds like you have fallen out of love. Time to face up to it and to move on, me thinks. If you feel this way about him now, I can only see the situation deteriorating further with time.

I don't think you are being a bitch, just dishonest with yourself.

MavisChunch29 · 01/08/2023 09:28

I'm getting the ick just reading it. Sounds like a manchild.

Blatantlyfemale · 01/08/2023 09:30

vincettenoir · 01/08/2023 09:02

I think it’s fairly common to be annoyed by your partners habits at home. My dh does things that annoy me and I do thinks that annoy him. That’s life, unfortunately. I don’t think it’s as hopeless as a lot of posters are suggesting.

There’s a difference between that ( a fleeting thought of ‘ god that’s annoying’ and then moving on with your day) and those annoyances actually permanently changing your feelings about your P so you actually find them increasingly less attractive. OP is claiming to be in the latter camp and that’s not good.

PaterPower · 01/08/2023 09:30

OP - He’s obviously got his plus points or you’d presumably not have stayed with him and had a child together.

But the ‘habits’ you’ve described are something I’d think a slobby teen or a Uni student might do (and grow out of). If he’s still living like this as an adult, with a DC, then he’s probably never going to change and it’s up to whether you can swallow back the ick.

Out of interest, had he lived on his own at all before you started dating? Do all the household tasks fall on you? Does he / did he help with things like nappy changing or was that all on you to do?

Cheesusisgrate · 01/08/2023 09:31

It's nofmal to have habits which slightly annoy, it's not normal foe it to be to a point when it makes other unattractive to partner.
That's incompatibility

Twoleftlegs · 01/08/2023 09:33

NotGotAClue1 · 01/08/2023 09:19

There are some harsh comments on here, I was expecting people to say it’s normal for partners to have bad habits which annoy you! I have spoken to him about these things but he just says to stop nagging and give him a break. I wouldn’t have to nag if he just did it!

harsh, only because a lot of us know that you have the ick and you’ll be pulling your hair out in 10 years after settling for your Pepsi swilling slob. you will feel like a nag for the rest of your life

my husband does a few things that annoy me, but these are genuine quirks- not laziness and grim diet choices that turn my
stomach daily. i can’t imagine willingly choosing a father for my kids who is too lazy to wash a spoon that he’ll eat yogurt with a knife or downs fizzy drinks for breakfast.

Margrethe · 01/08/2023 09:37

Don’t marry this man OP.
For your sake and his.

You need to start off feeling madly in love to sustain a long term relationship. Things cool with time. It will only get worse from here. You need to start from a high base.

Your lives are both worth more.

YouveGotAFastCar · 01/08/2023 09:38

NotGotAClue1 · 01/08/2023 09:19

There are some harsh comments on here, I was expecting people to say it’s normal for partners to have bad habits which annoy you! I have spoken to him about these things but he just says to stop nagging and give him a break. I wouldn’t have to nag if he just did it!

But it's not, not if you want a happy marriage.

They aren't things he is willing or able to change, so they are things you'd have to accept - and you can't, they're giving you the ick and that will only get worse.

And he's already feeling nagged and put upon...

It'd be doing you both an injustice to suggest that this is just how it is.

riotlady · 01/08/2023 09:47

NotGotAClue1 · 01/08/2023 08:17

We’ve been together for five years and already have a toddler together so that ship has sailed! I just wondered if these things were normal.

Not really, sorry. My husband isn’t perfect but I can’t think of anything he does that turns me off him like you describe

DivineLillith · 01/08/2023 09:51

I have been known to use incorrect cutlery :) I would say if he puts it in the dishwasher or washes it up it wouldn’t bother me at all.

DH has an awful habit of leaving cupboard doors open, it’s still an issue 27 years on but not a dealbreaker.

What have you actually said?

Only you can decide if his habits are too much, I would find the food hygiene thing dreadful plus too much fizzy drink is a waste of money and bad for your health.

Summerrainstorminagain · 01/08/2023 09:56

I had an ex like this. I often wondered if his mum ever taught him the basics of human hygiene and concluded she didn't despite being pristine herself. Maybe she spent too long on herself not on him.

Anyway. He's an ex. They won't change because the habits aren't there so the real issue here is when do you plan on leaving?