Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you shouldn't have a child to heal yourself?

67 replies

ncrelative · 01/08/2023 07:15

NC as outing
I have a relative who has sadly had a very unfortunate life in many respects. Poor upbringing, lack of ability to do things in life, emotional problems.

She is now in a relationship and wants to have a child. She is very positive about this as a way too heal her past life and experiences as she feels others have always had a lucky life and she has always been unlucky and not had what others have. I have been extremely supportive but in our last conversation I got a bit frustrated and told her as a parent it's not how she thinks it is, it is hard work and not about healing yourself but about raising a child who needs you to be their everything.

Her partner also has issues from being abused so neither of them have experience of how to raise a healthy child.

She got really angry at this saying I was privileged to have a family and all she wants is what we all were born having.

I said it was unfair but a child isn't therapy or a healing mechanism and that it's no one's right to have a child in order to heal themselves. Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle.

(In the past she has done things like bought a 10 year old relative a range of adult nail polish for Christmas, had no idea how to cook raw chicken at 23yo and thought you could cook it in the microwave, has never babysat or had any experience)

She is extremely angry and upset with me now and predictably won't speak to me. I want to apologise if I hurt her but at the same time I can't support having a child as a kind of therapy. AIBU?

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 01/08/2023 07:21

Everyone has children for selfish reasons. She sounds like has actually thought about it, most people don’t. You need to focus on you life and let her live hers. Maybe find something to occupy your time. You should definitely apologise to her.

Glockamorra · 01/08/2023 07:22

Well, of course YANBU, but people have children as therapy all the time, or out of social pressure, boredom, a sense of it being life’s ‘next stage’, by accident because of contraceptive failure, or because their partner wants one.

WandaWonder · 01/08/2023 07:25

Glockamorra · 01/08/2023 07:22

Well, of course YANBU, but people have children as therapy all the time, or out of social pressure, boredom, a sense of it being life’s ‘next stage’, by accident because of contraceptive failure, or because their partner wants one.

Yeah and the effects of that on society is shown all the time

Lkahsvtv · 01/08/2023 07:26

I agree with you OP; although yes having a child is for yourself it’s dangerous to expect a child to heal you. I’ve worked with lots of women and men who have children because they want someone who will love them and it’s ok in the baby and toddler years but then falls apart when the child is school age and develops their own identity and pushes back on the parent.
I don’t agree with the second part though as just because someone wasn’t parented well doesn’t mean they will necessarily repeat the cycle; they may very much learn what not to do

Popetthetreehugger · 01/08/2023 07:27

How about apologise , and give your support to help her learn ? Sign her up to any group that she would find supportive after baby born . Teach her to cook ? She wants to experience a loving family by building one , she may be the best mother by doing the opposite of her life so far . And , nail varnish ? Give me a break ! Get of your smug , I’m better than you box and give this very human human a hand .

Catsmere · 01/08/2023 07:28

This set off all my alarm bells! She should absolutely not have children. They're not comfort toys or therapy animals (and I'm leery of people getting pets with the idea of the pet supporting them).

Random789 · 01/08/2023 07:29

Agree with the previous posters. Most people who have a child are looking to heal/complete/resolve something in thier own lives. How can it be anything other than selfish since the interests of the child only kick in once you have taken the decision, in their absence, to bring them into existence regardless of whether or not they will ultimately value that?
She is thoughtful and reflective about her motives, which will help her to self-monitor once her child exists and correct for the inevitably self-nterestedness that is a pull in all of our decision making.

Cornishmumofone · 01/08/2023 07:29

Your examples relating to why she wouldn't make a good parent are odd

(In the past she has done things like bought a 10 year old relative a range of adult nail polish for Christmas, had no idea how to cook raw chicken at 23yo and thought you could cook it in the microwave, has never babysat or had any experience)

I would have been delighted with 'adult' nail polish at 10. It is possible to cook raw chicken in a microwave.

Finally, if having no babysitting or childcare experience precludes someone from becoming a parent, then lots of us (myself included) shouldn't have children.

LiloP · 01/08/2023 07:29

“
(In the past she has done things like bought a 10 year old relative a range of adult nail polish for Christmas, had no idea how to cook raw chicken at 23yo and thought you could cook it in the microwave, has never babysat or had any experience)”

i don’t understand why this is relevant. You said she had a poor upbringing, how would
she have learned life skills. Maybe you could
teach her how to took or help her when she has the baby instead of sniggering and being judgmental.

ibblebibbledibble · 01/08/2023 07:30

What’s wrong with nail varnish for a ten year old? My nine year old loves nail varnish!

LiloP · 01/08/2023 07:30

Most men have never babysat or held a baby before they have their own 🙄it’s not a requirement to have a child you know.

LilyLemonade · 01/08/2023 07:31

People have children for all kinds of reasons, and they don’t have to pass some kind of chicken-cooking or babysitting test before they do. I don’t it’s your place to judge whether she should have a child or not.

Thegrumpycup · 01/08/2023 07:31

I did not have children to 'fix' or 'heal' myself but I actually do think that having children has inadvertently done just that. It has allowed me to become the person I always wanted to be.

If she and her partner are willing to work of themselves, do parenting courses and do lots of research on how to be a positive and capable parent, then fair play to them. If they just magically expect popping a baby out of their vagina to fix everything, then they will be sadly mistaken.

DisquietintheRanks · 01/08/2023 07:31

Creating a loving, happy family unit can be very healing actually, if you've only kown disfunction.

Flora56 · 01/08/2023 07:32

It’s none of your business. You don’t have the right to tell anyone if they can have a child or not. Having a hard upbringing does not prevent you from being an amazing parent and you’re being incredibly judgemental. I can understand your relatives reaction. Unless of course there’s a massive drip feed coming.

You’re right in the fact a child is not therapy, however your examples about nail polish and cooking a chicken are not indicators for someone’s future parenting ability. And plenty of people have never babysat prior to having kids.

riotlady · 01/08/2023 07:35

Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle.

You overstepped and I think this in particular was a really shitty thing to say. Congratulations on having a wonderful upbringing but lots of people are not so fortunate and are able to overcome their circumstances and become excellent parents. Your friend sounds like she is approaching it thoughtfully, none of the examples you’ve given are terrible (what’s wrong with nail varnish? And lots of people are shit cooks at 22!) and you have unfairly insulted her future ability to parent based on her past.

ibblebibbledibble · 01/08/2023 07:37

riotlady · 01/08/2023 07:35

Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle.

You overstepped and I think this in particular was a really shitty thing to say. Congratulations on having a wonderful upbringing but lots of people are not so fortunate and are able to overcome their circumstances and become excellent parents. Your friend sounds like she is approaching it thoughtfully, none of the examples you’ve given are terrible (what’s wrong with nail varnish? And lots of people are shit cooks at 22!) and you have unfairly insulted her future ability to parent based on her past.

Agree with this completely

LiloP · 01/08/2023 07:37

“Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle.”

this is also an awful sentence. Lots of us had bad parents and childhoods and don’t repeat the cycle.
you sound toxic and unsupportive. All I read is a person with a bad childhood wanting to have a normal family life.

Aparecium · 01/08/2023 07:39

Popetthetreehugger · 01/08/2023 07:27

How about apologise , and give your support to help her learn ? Sign her up to any group that she would find supportive after baby born . Teach her to cook ? She wants to experience a loving family by building one , she may be the best mother by doing the opposite of her life so far . And , nail varnish ? Give me a break ! Get of your smug , I’m better than you box and give this very human human a hand .

Yes, this.

Cycles can be broken. People can parent differently because they actively choose to do things differently. My mother and her siblings were latchkey kids and beaten as discipline, my siblings and I were smacked but mum was always at home when we arrived from school, I have never hit any of my dc. My mum and I actively chose to parent differently to our parents, and the cycle was broken.

As for having a child to heal yourself, I have done this. I had severe PND after dc1, and was advised not to try for dc2 until I was fully recovered. But I realised that life was on hold while I waited to recover, yet I needed to move on with life in order yo get better. So we took the plunge and had dc2. And, yes, having dc2 completed my recovery. I did not have PND again, not after any of my other dc.

Random789 · 01/08/2023 07:40

riotlady · 01/08/2023 07:35

Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle.

You overstepped and I think this in particular was a really shitty thing to say. Congratulations on having a wonderful upbringing but lots of people are not so fortunate and are able to overcome their circumstances and become excellent parents. Your friend sounds like she is approaching it thoughtfully, none of the examples you’ve given are terrible (what’s wrong with nail varnish? And lots of people are shit cooks at 22!) and you have unfairly insulted her future ability to parent based on her past.

Yes, agree. In fact, if you actually said that to her that is one of the most shockingly unpleasant things Ive ever heard anyone confessing to on MN.

MRex · 01/08/2023 07:40

You were hugely unreasonable. Helpful comments might be talking about the need for counselling alongside as it might raise childhood issues they need to deal with, advising her to get lots of help and input from health visitors, and looking up useful parenting courses to recommend. Useful actions would be buying them "how to talk" books and buying a cookery course for Christmas. You have no right to suggest that someone who had a bad background doesn't deserve to have a family, and I'm shocked you still can't see that.

Ikeatears · 01/08/2023 07:40

"Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle"

What? So every neglected, abused or abandoned child must never grow up to have children. This makes no sense, is extremely judgemental and offensive.

Yoyoban · 01/08/2023 07:43

By your criteria, you should have your children removed from you since you clearly don't know that you CAN cook chicken in the microwave 🤔

DisquietintheRanks · 01/08/2023 07:44

Ikeatears · 01/08/2023 07:40

"Further, if you have never been raised with any idea of successful parenting it isn't right to bring a helpless child into the world to potentially repeat the cycle"

What? So every neglected, abused or abandoned child must never grow up to have children. This makes no sense, is extremely judgemental and offensive.

Yes, that was a terrible thing to say @ncrelative and you owe her a huge apology. It's also rubbish.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 01/08/2023 07:53

DisquietintheRanks · 01/08/2023 07:44

Yes, that was a terrible thing to say @ncrelative and you owe her a huge apology. It's also rubbish.

Show quote history

Jesus! I was so wrapped up with the nail varnish comment, I missed this bit!

OP that is a truly awful thing to say, yoi owe her a huge apology! Who needs enemies eh?