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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband staying off work

74 replies

Thehonestbadger · 01/08/2023 06:08

So I don’t ask him often.
despite having significant gastro issues since pregnancies which are being heavily investigated and make me pretty unwell a lot. I try my best to get on with it and push through.

But between his own sickness and the kids hospital trips (our eldest is disabled so there’s additional issues going on) he’s had a fair bit of time off.

Anyway, on top of my usual gastro stuff I’ve got something going on with my ear that’s made me so dizzy. Yesterday I had to panic call my mum because I was home alone with my 2yo (3yo at nursery) and couldn’t stand up. Almost fell down stairs trying to get us into her room so I could lock the baby gate.
I just laid on the floor till mum got here. It was awful and scary. I slept a few hours and it finally stopped but I don’t feel well at all have a virus and suspect my ear is the cause of dizziness.

Hubby is a doctor. It took him hours to answer his phone yesterday and even then he didn’t come home. this is standard. Just left me scrambling for help from mums.
Today I’ve woken up dizzy again. He’s on a course 2 hours away and is getting ready to leave. Keeps telling me ‘they’re both at nursery today’ which is true but nursery is a 1 hour round Trip drive (only one that could meet eldest’s needs) and it’s done 3 times a day as youngest is in a full day and eldest’s can only manage mornings. He can never accommodate a drop off or pick up it’s all me.

it’s insane I know but here we are.
We also don’t leave for an hour after he leaves. I don’t feel overly safe to drive or to look after two toddlers, one of who is disabled, here alone.

He doesn’t seem to have even considered staying home today.
I think yesterday scared me tbh.

plus, on a side note, it’s my only siblings wedding this weekend and will be the first social event since I had the kids. I’ve been so excited and I don’t want to be unwell because I’ve not got chance to recover from whatever this is.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 01/08/2023 06:15

Sounds like you could have labyrinthitus, sorry cannot spell it. Has your DH suggested taking anything for it. Personally if you don’t feel safe driving, then you shouldn’t and your DH will have to cancel his course, unless you have someone else who can take or look after DC.

Thegrumpycup · 01/08/2023 06:15

If you have someone else who isn't in work like your mum to ask for help, I don't think it's fair to expect him to take time off TBH.

In your situation I would've asked my own parents before asking my then H to come home. And my parents would have rather helped than have him take time off work.

As it is now, I've separated from H and asking him isn't really an option now.

NaomiS1 · 01/08/2023 06:19

Your situation sounds really tough. Sorry you're not well. If you're not safe to drive then you really mustn't. It could put yourself, your kids and other road users at risk. Really your DH should help - perhaps he could do drop off and your mum pick up? Both kids just do a half day today? Good luck!

Sunnyjac · 01/08/2023 06:23

I’d find it difficult that he’s happy for you to drive the children in this state, alongside his lack of care for you. It’s really hard feeling pulled in two directions between responsibility for work and responsibility/care to family. It’s not clear if he feels that though

CatOnAMushroom · 01/08/2023 06:27

It's rubbish that your H isn't helping. Can you get an emergency sitter/nanny to help if your mum can't. Depends on where you live of course

Someoneonlyyouknow · 01/08/2023 06:42

You don't sound safe to drive. If your mum can't and DH won't take kids they should stay home. Would it actually be easier to have younger child in a different nearby nursery?

It's difficult for someone to have lots of time off and impacts on coworkers. If it's not hugely inconvenient for your mum I would use her as backup. Also, I don't think your DH should be taking time off just so you can be well at the weekend, though I sympathise that it's a very important occasion

Magictoadstools · 01/08/2023 06:53

Poor you, what a tough situation. Is your mum able to help today, or as a PP has suggested, an emergency nanny? It sounds so difficult.

I totally relate, my DH is a doctor, and never once took time off work or came back early when our DC were young and I needed help. I once had a vomiting bug, with a toddler and baby to look after at home. I was feeling so unwell with a high temperature and dizziness, I honestly don't know how I got through the couple of days but I think a lot of TV featured heavily! And when I was recovering from appendicitis, he didn't take any time off to help - didn't even consider it.

So I understand how hard it is when you're not well and it's all on you. Really hope you can get help from someone today and have a chance to rest and recover before the weekend.

Original poster

Thehonestbadger · 01/08/2023 06:53

My mum is a champ and helps a fair bit but she’s a carer for two other adults. One well into their 90’s and the other who has cancer.

yesterday she wasn’t available as had an important hospital apt with one of them. She ‘just’ made the apt after coming to me but I don’t feel it was fair I had to ask that of her because my DH couldn’t answer his phone.

a while ago our eldest was blue lighted into hospital (the same one DH worked at) with severe breathing issues (not actually linked to his disability as it doesn’t impact breathing- he was just very unwell) and it took 2/3 hours to track DH down. And that was with the A&E staff using all the internal Chanel’s to try and get messages to him too.

No one had a clue where he was.

I just don’t feel like I have a reliable safety net. I understand that some people have partners who work away or are single parents and have to get on with it but on paper I’m not…

OP posts:

DDivaStar · 01/08/2023 07:13

It really doesn't sound like you should be driving. I think you need to ask if your mum or someone else can help with nursery runs or childcare on this instance.

Obviously your H should be supporting you but it sounds like this isn't a one off. Although training seems less important than usual work, its not always easy to rearrange.

On a practical note 3 hour long nursery runs seems alot to manage. Could you consider moving youngest to a closer one. Can't be much fun for you of your eldest having to go back out again later.

bagforlifeamnesty · 01/08/2023 07:23

Where did your DH turn out to be the last time your eldest was taken to hospital? It doesn’t make sense. Tbh I’d be wondering if he’s having an affair or something. Sorry to be such a MN cliche but that just doesn’t add up. Also all the doctors I know have their phones permanently glued to them or if no signal then a bleeper. They’re always getting called to different departments and emergencies.

Pippa12 · 01/08/2023 07:31

When you say ‘he’s had a fair bit of time off’ how much time is that realistically? Twice in 6 months, 3 times in 12 months you’re looking at meetings with HR etc. Does not look good for promotion/progression etc. Training for doctors isn’t always easy to rearrange, sometimes it’s 6-12 months before the course runs again. Realistically he’d need to take carers leave, does he have any left? Despite it being training/course it still counts as sickness/absent if he’s employed. Probably even more difficult as he can’t turn up late and make up hours, he’d just have to miss the day.

Do you work to?

Im playing devils advocate as I know how hard it is to juggle childcare, especially with additional needs and work.

Vettrianofan · 01/08/2023 07:33

If the virus is affecting your balance then don't drive and keep your toddlers at home. They can miss nursery.

Pippa12 · 01/08/2023 07:34

Where was your husband last time if they were bleeping him? Sometimes, in an emergency situation it impossible to leave the scenario and answer your bleep ie: resuscitation/ inserting lines/surgery etc so don’t jump down the affair route. Highly unlikely there’s time for any medical staff for afternoon delight… a hot lunch is a unthinkable luxury 😂

Clarinet1 · 01/08/2023 07:37

Sorry, I have every sympathy for your situation and I know it’s just a typo but I can’t help raising a smile at “The usual Chanels”; were they following a trail of No. 5? 😂

ParisP · 01/08/2023 07:44

It’s a big ask, expecting him to be available at the drop of a hat while doing a stressful job. Is it worth looking at agencies for emergency childcare. Or asking friends/friends children to held out. I’m not surprised you feel let down and in need of support.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/08/2023 07:48

When I had labyrinthitis I felt like you did. Every time I moved my head, I felt like I was hurtling into space. My GP saw me and gave me some tablets which worked immediately. I'm surprised your husband hasn't suggested you take something for that.

How come nobody in the hospital knows where he is? That sounds very strange.

By the way, when I had labyrinthitis, it was a side-effect from some antibiotics I had been on. Have you been on anything like that?

Hibiscrubbed · 01/08/2023 07:50

it took 2/3 hours to track DH down. And that was with the A&E staff using all the internal Chanel’s to try and get messages to him too.

No one had a clue where he was.

This is really odd. What sort of level is he at? And field?

hopeishere · 01/08/2023 07:51

Did he suggest anything for your ears?

It sounds really hard. While having the kids at nursery might give you a break, driving there might be risky. Could you just have a big duvet day at home for the three of you.

hopeishere · 01/08/2023 07:53

Also even if he had answered his phone yesterday would he have been able to leave work?

ClairDeLaLune · 01/08/2023 07:54

You mustn’t drive with labyrinthitis! It could be really dangerous. Stay home with the kids and plonk yourselves in front of the TV all day.

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2023 07:54

Firstly, it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. I've had labrynthitis and it was hell!!! Mine was caused by an inner ear infection. My children were school age but my DH had to literally set me up on the sofa with food/drink/phone/tissues etc within reach. Awful time.
I appreciate though, that your DH can't just keep taking time off, especially as you said he's had a lot of time off already.
Is the course today very important? Ie too important to skip?
I think I'd be inclined to ask your mum and maybe if the children can get to nursery then they both only do half a day, or they both do a full day.
So if your mum could do the nursery runs, sets you up at home with everything close by , she'd have some time for her other commitments.
If you have labrynthitis though, you shouldn't even be contemplating driving. I could barely walk!

FrogsAreMean · 01/08/2023 07:55

Perhaps it might be worth going down the route of hiring a Nanny - just a thought

Velvian · 01/08/2023 07:55

Get yourself to the GP for something for your vertigo/labyrinthine.

I think with the DC possible options are staying at home, you all get a taxi, or you could ask on FB local group for someone to come and act as a 'mother's help' for a couple of days, while you are there too. They'll be students off for the summer wanting to earn some extra cash.

FairAcre · 01/08/2023 08:01

As a doctor has your husband not offered any advice? It is probably difficult for him to pull out of the course and I would imagine might affect his career. Do you work? I would just keep the children at home if not.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 01/08/2023 08:08

If your husband has already taken time off with his own illness, and that of your child, you can't really expect him to take time off because of your illnesses too. I completely understand why you would want him to help, but minimal employers would be ok with that, especially if he's a doctor.

Are you financially able to hire some support, just whilst your gastro illnesses are being investigated, and you start to improve. For today, I'd do a duvet day as suggested by PP, definitely no driving. Hope you feel better soon.

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