Husband staying off work

[Thehonestbadger]

So I don’t ask him often.
despite having significant gastro issues since pregnancies which are being heavily investigated and make me pretty unwell a lot. I try my best to get on with it and push through.

But between his own sickness and the kids hospital trips (our eldest is disabled so there’s additional issues going on) he’s had a fair bit of time off.

Anyway, on top of my usual gastro stuff I’ve got something going on with my ear that’s made me so dizzy. Yesterday I had to panic call my mum because I was home alone with my 2yo (3yo at nursery) and couldn’t stand up. Almost fell down stairs trying to get us into her room so I could lock the baby gate.
I just laid on the floor till mum got here. It was awful and scary. I slept a few hours and it finally stopped but I don’t feel well at all have a virus and suspect my ear is the cause of dizziness.

Hubby is a doctor. It took him hours to answer his phone yesterday and even then he didn’t come home. this is standard. Just left me scrambling for help from mums.
Today I’ve woken up dizzy again. He’s on a course 2 hours away and is getting ready to leave. Keeps telling me ‘they’re both at nursery today’ which is true but nursery is a 1 hour round Trip drive (only one that could meet eldest’s needs) and it’s done 3 times a day as youngest is in a full day and eldest’s can only manage mornings. He can never accommodate a drop off or pick up it’s all me.

it’s insane I know but here we are.
We also don’t leave for an hour after he leaves. I don’t feel overly safe to drive or to look after two toddlers, one of who is disabled, here alone.

He doesn’t seem to have even considered staying home today.
I think yesterday scared me tbh.

plus, on a side note, it’s my only siblings wedding this weekend and will be the first social event since I had the kids. I’ve been so excited and I don’t want to be unwell because I’ve not got chance to recover from whatever this is.

AIBU?

Do you work? Between the 3 trips, presumably you don't, or you work very little - in which case, then him having more time off, when he's already been off a lot, isn't a great idea for you as a family.

Agree your current setup clearly isn't working well. At minimum, your younger toddler could surely attend a local nursery to avoid the 3rd hour-long trip, which also can't be nice for the eldest. Or agree, a nanny might be better and also allow you to work properly. Or failing that, could your mum come to you more and see if you could fund some extra care for one of the others she's supporting.

For today, can you keep them at home, downstairs and watching (too much) TV? It's also school holidays, so local mums may well know of some helpful teens or older students who are around and could at least help you with some indoor games and preparing lunch.

I think this is really hard OP. What type of doctor is he? A GP or A and E doctor or some kind of specialist where people will really suffer if he takes time off? Or something less acute where appointments will just be rearranged

@Magictoadstools
Poor you, you definitely get it although mine isn’t ‘that’ bad he does take a bit of time off to help just not readily or willingly 🤦‍♀️

@bagforlifeamnesty
😂 No he’s not I’m certain. I can’t remember the exact specifics but it was something like ‘he’d been a theatre list that got cancelled so he’d been reassigned but the secretaries still had him on the original cancelled list and where he’d been reassigned wasn’t clearly noted …and apparently had no mobile signal and they were almost certain he had a bleep but didn’t know which one.’ It sounded like a big organisational mess tbh but I heard a lot of this from the nice A&E doctor who was trying to track him down then DH filled in the spaces when he finally arrived so I know he wasn’t spinning me a tale.

It sounds like you need a better support network in place. If he is the main breadwinner you can't be hauling him out of work all the time.

For now, use taxis, organise a home help, book extra time at nursery...

I really sympathise but it doesn't sound like he's in a position to take even more time off work.

I would get all the kids set up in one room (near a bathroom) and just camp out there for the day. They can watch TV or use screens while you do as little as possible.

And it sounds like you have vertigo which can be medicated so make sure you get yourself an appointment ☺️

And the nursery run arrangement sounds bonkers... Can you just have them both in for half days and get a nanny /home help for the afternoons?

Realistically though, why should a surgeon (whether a father or mother) take time off 'readily' when they've already taken a lot of leave and have a stay at home partner with kids in nursery? It makes far more sense to get home sorted - e.g. have them both in nursery for mornings only and get a mother's help for a few hours in the afternoon if needed (or give the nursery pm money to your mum for help), find a more local nursery at least for the youngest etc. Otherwise you're going to end up with 2 parents unable to work properly.

I'd keep them home sorry. You aren't safe to drive

@Pippa12

I don’t know exactly I would imagine it’s been more than 3 times in a year now. What tends to happen when we have proper illness (not just colds/trivial stuff)

The kids get sick- I manage (unless they end up in hospital. Eldest spent a week on children’s ward last year which inflated DH’s time off substantially)
DH gets sick - spends 2-3 days in bed recovering
I get sick - DH says he can’t take any more time off and I have to get on with it.

^ I really resent this as it just creates this narrative that I’m not important, I don’t matter and everyone else gets to be poorly except me. I quite often tell DH that if it ‘able to be pushed through’ he has to get up and go to work too!

I don’t work. Not through choice, I had a job I loved and when I went back after maternity the kids had 4/5 months of constant constant illness starting nursery and of course DH could never be off. I remember 8 weeks into my return to work I had only made it in for 3 days! Ended up having to leave. Resented DH and his super all important career a lot tbh.

For those suggesting keep them home, it’s a lot less of an option than it sounds.

Eldest is a massive danger to himself and his younger sibling (not intentionally) but he requires a full time 1:1 whilst he’s at nursery and my being half cut poorly on the sofa whilst letting them run a mock around the house would almost certainly end up with someone in A&E. I’m concerned this would also be viewed as neglect as we have endless expert evidence now (including SS) all stating DS needs constant 1:1, is a big risk to himself…etc I worry that ‘well mum was unwell trying to manage both kids alone’ would actually somehow be played out at my failing to safeguard them if anything were to happen.

I don’t really know how that would work if I’m honest: I might ask our social worker

Your husband has a dynamic job which obviously pays well but he has heavy responsibilities. He can not be as flexible as you would like - unless for real emergencies.
Employ a nanny or a casual child carer who will help you whenever you need to drive kids to school if feeling sick etc. and give you a break.
Have your needs met with paid and qualified staff or trusted students or relatives. You need to decide yourself as you are going to be dealing with them.

It is better for the kids and the whole family, if you are not run ragged, as well as your husband.

You need to get in place emergency respite if your elder dcs needs are that severe. 'Y eldest is autistic and couldn't really be trusted near her sibling but the electronic babysitter (videos at that time) could save the occasional day, I got zero help from now exh due to his job being o so important (it is, not medicine but related)

@Thehonestbadger then you need to look at having more support arrangements in place. If your husband is the sole breadwinner he can't be your back up plan. On his salary you should be able to pay for extra help. I get that it's rubbish but hauling him out of work all the time can't be the solution

But it taking 2-3 hrs to contact him is realistic in some jobs. Not everyone can have their phone on them or can answer personal calls instantly. Phoning your mum when you couldn’t get through to your DH for 2 hrs while he was in work seems like a reasonable thing to do, I don’t know why you disagree with that.

If you are really unwell and can’t look after your children then of course your husband needs to be available, but it isn’t cut and dry all the time. Taking time off at the last minute so you can recover enough for a wedding just isn’t a priority.

@user1492757084

I can understand why this seems logical but trying to hire babysitters/carers/nannies or ‘mothers help’ is incredibly difficult with a disabled child who looking after is an unattractive prospect.

We have had 3 baby sitters now who were very enthusiastic (we paid well we knew what we were asking) but basically stopped coming after the first few times.

Im not overly surprised. Even SS said they would really struggle to recruit a carer for DS as it’s ‘not an attractive job’ I do understand but it’s not the easy fix it might sound like

@gogomoto
is respite an option for a 3 year old? I’ve been told it doesn’t usually kick in till they’re around 5.
Hes the size of a 6yo so managing him is hard 🤦‍♀️
I would take any help we were offered but keep being told not until he’s older

@BlossomCloud

🤦‍♀️ he’s not a consultant yet. He does not earn enough to hire a nanny/support that would be willing to look after DS. We were offering £15ph and couldn’t get anyone. We can’t realistically afford anymore than that.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m being problematic or raining on ‘obvious solutions’ because I genuinely would do whatever to help our situation but we’ve tried a lot so far and it’s not worked.

ultimately;

• there’s no more family help available
• we’ve had endless failures trying to hire in help and can’t afford to pay more than £15ph for it
• DS cannot move nurseries so the 1 hour commute is unavoidable (10 hours per week) yes we could move DD but that would only save 3 trips per week (3 hours) and the nursery is exceptional so she would miss out. Ones around here are crap.
• DS is too high needs to ‘just keep them home when you’re unwell’ safety.

also, and I do want to make this point DH takes much more time off sick for himself than me. It’s not like I’m the main drain on his sick leave. I’m pretty good at pushing through and my mum does help

Is it an option to move closer to nursery?

Can you set up emergency accommodation at home for the odd time when you are very unwell or your mother or babysitters can't come quickly. ie safe room (no sharp edges, exposed power points etc.) with gates that C1 can not break through. Can you make up some food kits for C1 so if you are sick there will be food for XXX hours.
Obviously it is very important for C1 to attend nursery and special school at all times (unless sick) Use a taxi perhaps.
Can you ask SS for foster carers for your disabled son? Regular weekends off will give youa break. Can a charity help?
Long term your family prospects will be far better if DH can qualify and work at a well paid career that can afford to pay for more help for you..

I think the thing is OP that DH's sick leave makes him less able to miss work at other times. Could DH or your mum drive you all to your mum's to stay there while you are so unwell.

It sounds like such a difficult situation.

My DS is on the autistic spectrum and was difficult when he was younger (much easier now he is a teen). I kind of went into having children with the unspoken expectation that most aspects of parenting would be shared (maybe i should have been more realistic). However my DH's job as a doctor always came first to the extent that he refused to help out with childcare at night, take time off when needed with sickness or holidays etc. We made the decision that i should stop working and become a SAHM, as it was too difficult for me to juggle everything otherwise.

I've just recently got back into work, but in a low paid job, so hopefully I can work my way up a bit, although I'm now on my forties. I have found it difficult though, all aspects of childcare or finding of solutions falling to me, so I do really relate. I hope you manage to find some help.

I hear you Op, you really are the lowest on the list of his priorities. I used to work with consultants and speciality doctors and they do take time off for carers leave. Some are even lone parents so have to take time off for everything. Also a lot of doctors marry doctors so they can't expect their spouse to drop everything either.
Would moving to a different, less pressured specialism help? Or agency? I know it's probably not what he wants but to be honest you've made sacrifices for the good of the family.
When you're a SAHP it's really important to have a conversation about what happens when you get sick. There needs to be a plan which you agree to and stick to. It can't be that you have to beg him every time. Obviously you'd probably work through a cold but otherwise you're entitled to be off sick, not solely responsible for two children.
I hear you about your elder child's needs. It's really difficult when there is no childcare available. It doesn't sound at this point as if a career for you is realistic, which is a bitter pill to swallow, take time to grieve that side of things. Then calmly explain to your DH that you have given up your career, you will stay home to look after the children but as a bare minimum you would like to be able to rely on him when you are sick and that he is contactable. Would you be able to have the number for the most reliable secretary? Do they work in the same department as him or from home? You need someone who can find him or get a message through to him quickly.

Never heard of an adult taking sick leave for another adult. He could take holiday time or unpaid.
he’s not sick
inthink you’ve got a resentment issue (quite rightly) which is clouding your judgement

If you can't afford an SEN nanny and your mum can't really help more than she already does then you really need to be escalating this with SS/GP etc. Your DH, as a DR, can't just keep taking time off when you're ill and can't physically manage the children. It's just not feasible for him to do that. Having said that, I'd be pretty pissed off if he regularly has time off and lays in bed for 2 days if it's something that he could push through with!
I feel for you and hope you feel better soon

On a side note, if it's labyrinthitis/benign P positional vertigo, try googling the Epley Manoeuvre and try it at home. My DH has had it performed properly on him on several occasions and although you feel really (really) dizzy, it does start to move things on. I've done it on myself several times and it works. If it's not BPPV, it doesn't hurt, so it might help to speed up the recovery.