Husband staying off work

[Thehonestbadger]

So I don’t ask him often.
despite having significant gastro issues since pregnancies which are being heavily investigated and make me pretty unwell a lot. I try my best to get on with it and push through.

But between his own sickness and the kids hospital trips (our eldest is disabled so there’s additional issues going on) he’s had a fair bit of time off.

Anyway, on top of my usual gastro stuff I’ve got something going on with my ear that’s made me so dizzy. Yesterday I had to panic call my mum because I was home alone with my 2yo (3yo at nursery) and couldn’t stand up. Almost fell down stairs trying to get us into her room so I could lock the baby gate.
I just laid on the floor till mum got here. It was awful and scary. I slept a few hours and it finally stopped but I don’t feel well at all have a virus and suspect my ear is the cause of dizziness.

Hubby is a doctor. It took him hours to answer his phone yesterday and even then he didn’t come home. this is standard. Just left me scrambling for help from mums.
Today I’ve woken up dizzy again. He’s on a course 2 hours away and is getting ready to leave. Keeps telling me ‘they’re both at nursery today’ which is true but nursery is a 1 hour round Trip drive (only one that could meet eldest’s needs) and it’s done 3 times a day as youngest is in a full day and eldest’s can only manage mornings. He can never accommodate a drop off or pick up it’s all me.

it’s insane I know but here we are.
We also don’t leave for an hour after he leaves. I don’t feel overly safe to drive or to look after two toddlers, one of who is disabled, here alone.

He doesn’t seem to have even considered staying home today.
I think yesterday scared me tbh.

plus, on a side note, it’s my only siblings wedding this weekend and will be the first social event since I had the kids. I’ve been so excited and I don’t want to be unwell because I’ve not got chance to recover from whatever this is.

AIBU?

Spoken like someone who doesn’t have a clue about the strain doctors and other medical staff are under.
He can’t just walk away from a complex, possibly life threatening situation to answer the phone - it doesn’t work like that.

Surely if your Husband is a doctor. He could have checked you over and given you the ok to drive or not?

@Deathbyfluffy OP said that even his colleagues couldn’t get hold of him for several hours and no one knew where he was. That is unusual. That’s not the same as not being able to leave (which is very understandable).

It doesn't sound like you are safe to drive. What you are describing sounds like vertigo. You need to see a GP. When I had labyrinthitis and vestibular neuritis I was prescribed prochlorperazine which helped with the spinning enough that I could semi function, but it makes you drowsy so driving may be out for a while.

Your DH can take unpaid parental/carers leave in an emergency, which it sounds like he needs to do until you can make another arrangement. He will only get paid sick leave for himself.

Taxis to the nursery sounds like it might be the best temporary option to at least drop your eldest off and then keep DD at home with extra support from an emergency babysitter if you really can't manage looking after her until you start to improve.

It is really hard with a child with significant additional needs. I was so glad when DS's school said they could take him back in during the lockdown when I was very unwell post-Covid with vertigo. It was a real struggle trying to provide 1:1 at home. I would take my meds about half an hour before getting in a taxi with him as going around corners and roundabouts made me 🤢

@Velvian
no, unfortunately it’s a more expensive area and doesn’t work for DH’s commute. We actually just moved before Christmas too to a more affordable house better suited to DS’s needs. We couldn’t afford the area his nursery is in even if we wanted to.

@user1492757084
Those are really good suggestions. Tbh our entire house (downstairs) is basically like a soft play. Everything is padded, no small bits, gates everywhere …etc so it’s very safe although stuff gets left laying around and I’m constantly nagging. I tend to use the kids rooms as the ‘safe’ areas but they only last up to an hour before they’re both screaming 😂
taxi won’t take DS alone and we don’t qualify for transport till he starts specialist school next September. I’ve raised this with SS before, their pov is that DH should be Accomodating supporting the family. They don’t really care how ‘big and important’ his job is their stance is ‘you get carers leave and should use it’ which I sort of understand because why should they financially subsidise us? I had the comment ‘whilst we do support parents working we aren’t able to facilitate the hours and extent to which he’s working’ then they suggested he cut back hours.

It’s a rock and hard place

@Hintofreality

😂😂😂😂😂 I’m not sure if it’s just my husband or whether all doctors are the same…but my husband will not be my doctor. After two difficult pregnancies and a lot of issues I can confirm he would rather I google it on net doctor than give me his medical expertise.

He once took my blood because the midwife couldn’t get it and we were told it would be a 3-4 hour wait on the reg as it was crazy busy. He didn’t want to wait.

Other than that I’d probably not believe he had a medical degree had I not seen it for myself

If he's had loads of time off work I get his reluctance. I was a single mum and everything fell to me. In your situation if it wasn't safe for me to drive I'd have a duvet day, telly on me on the sofa doing the bare minimum. Get dh to get sone snacks in so kids can graze through the day

I get that you’re feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated, but what solution do you want?

Your husband taking time off to care for you when you’re feeling unwell will very quickly mean he also has issues in being able to sustain his career. Surely having his income stopped is going to make things even worse?

Take out the complexity of your disabled child (given they’re at nursery)- do you really expect him to take time off when you’re sick and home with the two year old? I guess it’s be nice, but there’s no way his employer will allow that.

He sounds burnt-out too. What’s he like when he gets home- is he doing his share in terms of the children? If so, working all day and then having to switch to parenting when there’s such additional needs is exhausting. No wonder he’s getting sick.

Could you hire someone to do the nursery runs for your three year old?

I'm afraid that's pretty normal for medics! NHS staff have a general attitude of if it's infectious stay home to protect the patients (not even each other) but anything else ignore and get on with it.

Has your DH asked around if anyone is open to a nanny share at work to keep the costs down? Does he have any close friends who are roted off today who could help?

Honestly I would keep them home even if it meant locking them somewhere safe and letting them get distressed vs driving.

Im NHS (agenda for change) we get 10 days paid leave for emergencies that's it, then it's fighting for annual leave.

If he's still in training as you say he's below a consultant he will get a maximum of 14 days per year including sick, then he can be called in for review of training. If we cancelled a course for family leave we would have to pay (could be thousands) and if it was essential have our training held back.

As for tracking him down, I work with DH and know he isn't playing around. He can frequently "disappear" for an hour or more to do something important without being disturbed. He's usually in an office and if I email him he will happily tell me the location. I think it's an NHS trick when you have research (I.e google the symptoms) or paperwork you have to do without being disturbed as you can screen the contacts/tasks.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear and I do hope your feeling better. Once he's home try for an OOH appointment (your husband gives enough to the NHS don't feel guilty using the service).

I agree. When there's a sole breadwinner it will quickly have a huge impact on the family if they're constantly being asked to duck out of work.

I mean… as a doctor, he can’t really “ho in and push through” when he is unwell. He works with vulnerable people in a hospital. I’d rather not have a doctor who passes his vomiting bug on, or can’t focus due to being ill.
also, him not going in has s huge impact on a lot of other people.
however, you need a better support network - a couple of emergency nannies/ babysitters that can come at short notice? A closet nursery for the younger one?

I think the problem for your DH is that this isn't a one off, it seems to happen a lot. I'm sorry to sound harsh but the idea of calling your mum to come round when you are dizzy seems over the top to me. Just go on your bum if it's that bad - we have probably all been there with an ear infection. If you really can't drive can you get a cab? I realise DH is a doc but can you call GP or 111 for anto biotics if needed? If you over rely on him he'll get a poor reputation and can't do his job and may lose it.

Sadly, if it’s been more than 3 times in 12 months your husband would be facing some sort of intervention. I do understand the situation you’re in but it just isn’t feasible to have days off when you, your partner and your children are sick.

If things really are genuinely so difficult would locum work be more appropriate for your husband? Very little opportunity for progression, but a needs must if he is required at home to care for both you and your children more than a regular contract allows?

I know a couple in similar circumstances, he was a teacher and the wife the main carer for the children. Unfortunately he lost his job due to repeated absences. Neither of them work now, they sold their house, downsized and cut their cloth. They are living on benefits but are both happier and more content.

Perhaps consider what would work best for you as a family, as it would be dreadful if you were pushed into a decision as a family.

YANBU
I am shocked you woke up ill and he just left you with a 2yo and 3yo you are too sick to care for or drive to nursery. What on Earth was he thinking? He should have called the course manager, withdrawn and enrolled in the next offering. Then he should have stayed home to care for the DC and you- including him doing the nursery runs.

With you being chronically unwell, you’re right you need a wider support network in the long term. So he needs to hire in a nanny or other help if he cannot take time off work.

Doctors - the caring profession. Put their patients and colleagues ahead of their family. Your DH needs to know this is what he is doing. Also is he a surgeon? If so he is not going to be available all the time and even if not, I think you can understand why he can't answer his phone if on a ward round or with patients.

However you need a support network around you so he can finish his training and start earning sufficiently to buy in some help. And completing training is not an easy task as there will be logbooks and competencies to be met and signed off not to mention exams etc. It tough being married to a doctor and even tougher to be having a family with a doctor in training.

However you can't continue being dumped on. You need to have a conversation and agree the way forward even if it means you may have to cut back on some things

And doctors should not treat their family nor friends

He's going to work not the golf course. It's not sustain for him to be the back up plan. The family are dependent on his money.

I’m not sure if it’s just my husband or whether all doctors are the same…but my husband will not be my doctor.

I mean - he's not being difficult here. If he starts diagnosing you and advising you, he can be accused of abusing his position. My dad was a doctor and anything beyond normal childhood bugs and colds were treated by a GP just like everyone else. That's pretty standard across the entire medical profession.

He's also going to put his job at risk if he takes too much time off and that's not really something he can do as the sole breadwinner.

Believe me, as I said up-thread, I do sympathise and I know it's hard, but I don't think the solution is for your DH to keep taking time off. He doesn't have a choice if he's unwell (as he can't just turn up and risk infecting patients) but taking time off for you is a very different kettle of fish.

I feel for you.
But your husband's reluctance to take time off is not the real issue here - the real issue seems to be the lack of support you have in place for your high needs child. You really need to be making louder noise about getting help/provisions. I understand that it is so frustrating and upsetting but expecting your husband to take off really is not the answer to the problems here, things run deeper.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast

I wasn’t criticising DH for not being my doctor I was answering a few earlier posts (one in particular) that seemed flabbergasted as to why DH hadn’t simply dealt with my illness himself since he’s a doctor and all.

So DH has stayed home from his course.

He’s done the nursery runs but I’ve still been left to it with DS this afternoon. DH is actually upstairs napping right now because apparently he’s also starting to feel poorly.

Today is still being viewed as him staying home to accommodate my being poorly though…he’s doing me a massive favour and I’m very lucky, he’s missed a very important course…and is upstairs napping… whilst I do childcare 😬

This all sounds abit of a tangled mess unfortunately.

He might be a doctor but your DH also sounds like a bit of a dickhead if you don’t mind me saying OP. Gone for a nap?

Your support network does sound incredibly bad though, once you’re feeling better you and your dickhead definitely need to get your shit together because when double/triple school runs and holiday care and kid’s illnesses etc etc kick in, you’re going to struggle without a back up plan.

Your DH sounds awful. You need to stop being so accommodating.

You go to bed and rest while he has the DC.

You need to see a Dr yourself.