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Original poster

Should he have stood up for me

62 replies

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:04

This is hugely embarrassing and I realise I'll probably get a lot of negative comments but I'm really upset and I'm trying to work out why.

I've always wanted a septum piercing but a previous ex broke my nose really badly during lockdown so now my nose goes off to one side. I hate it a lot and I try and not think about it but I'll never be able to afford to get it fixed. Anyway I went to a piercer today and my partner went with me, it was just a consultation to see if I had the anatomy to get it done. Anyway the piercer just sat in front of me and just ridiculed me for 15 minutes. Here's a few quotes I remember between my tears.

'Wow I've never seen a nose as fucked up as yours'

'Here's some pictures of septum's I've pierced but obviously non of them are as wonky as yours'

'If I book you in I'll just put you down as wonky nose' followed by laughing.

The list goes on. It was horrible. I felt like a kid being bullied and I just went quiet and tried to stop myself from bursting into tears. My partner just sat there. I realise I should've stood up for myself or even walked out but I had really hoped he'd atleast say something. Even if it was just 'okay no more jokes now'. I know he's not my parent and I'm an adult and should've handled it myself but if it where you would you be upset too? Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

OP posts:
maslinpan · 31/07/2023 16:06

That piercer sounds like a revolting person. Your DP should absolutely have stood up for you even if it was just to say "we're leaving now".

FionnulaTheCooler · 31/07/2023 16:07

You're not being a dramatic idiot, that piercer was a nasty piece of work. Having said that though, maybe your partner just isn't a confrontational person and didn't know how to handle the situation so didn't speak up. I get why you're upset but I wouldn't be too hard on him. I would be leaving a shitty review for that piercer on whatever social media they use to promote themselves on though.

Paperclipped · 31/07/2023 16:08

Isn't it possible he felt he would be infantilising you further if he intervened?

Piercer obviously revoltingly rude and weirdly unprofessional -- I mean, I can't imagine that kind of behaviour gets you a lot of repeat business.

Deathbyfluffy · 31/07/2023 16:09

It depends on the partner - some people stand up when needed, but others just don't have the confrontational 'fibre' needed to do this.
It doesn't make them a bad person - it's not something they're comfortable with.

If someone had said this to my wife, it wouldn't have been a very pleasant meeting - I have no problem putting someone in their place when needed.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:09

maslinpan · 31/07/2023 16:06

That piercer sounds like a revolting person. Your DP should absolutely have stood up for you even if it was just to say "we're leaving now".

I feel so sick after it. It's already a sore subject, I just didn't know how truly awful I looked and the brutal jokes have really effected me, I've never had anyone be that honest 😭 I feel so ugly

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 31/07/2023 16:09

You should have said something … you don’t need a man to leap in a protect you.

“my ex partner broke my nose, I’m glad you find it so funny, but I don’t”

That would have stopped him in his tracks

KinooOrKinog · 31/07/2023 16:09

Sometimes when someone is so blatantly rude, you're so taken aback that you just don't respond. It seems like that might be why you didn't say anything yourself so, in your partners defence, maybe that's what happened with him also.

thorneyislanddoris · 31/07/2023 16:10

That's terrible.

If I were you, I'd leave a negative review online.

Notimeforaname · 31/07/2023 16:10

No it was your place to speak up for yourself. But that piercer was a scumbag .

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:11

Deathbyfluffy · 31/07/2023 16:09

It depends on the partner - some people stand up when needed, but others just don't have the confrontational 'fibre' needed to do this.
It doesn't make them a bad person - it's not something they're comfortable with.

If someone had said this to my wife, it wouldn't have been a very pleasant meeting - I have no problem putting someone in their place when needed.

He's a really confrontational guy when it's regards him but this is the first time he's witnessed something towards me and I just thought he might care enough to atleast politely say something. Perhaps I'm just different and I always stand up for him

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 31/07/2023 16:11

The piercer is clearly a bully and gets off on mocking people to make himself feel big.

your partner may have also felt intimidated. Not everyone reacts in the way they wish they could, and he could have felt scared too.

Direct your anger at the piercer - and make sure you leave a negative google review. Doesn’t have to be long - but poor customer service during consultation appointment covers it.

I hope you do get it pierced and have a more positive experience next time.

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2023 16:11

You are angry and upset. Don't misplace that onto your partner. Leave bad review

GabriellaMontez · 31/07/2023 16:11

Perhaps he was as stunned as you were?

Did you ask him afterwards?

Samcro · 31/07/2023 16:12

omg that is awful. sorry that wanker said that to you. mu dh would have definitely said something (and more)
but you must know that you dp is not someone who will say something. next time take someone(obviously not to the same place) who will have your back.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:12

Notimeforaname · 31/07/2023 16:10

No it was your place to speak up for yourself. But that piercer was a scumbag .

I know you're right I was just so upset. I guess because I jump to his rescue I thought he might do the same but you're right, I'm the only one who can take care of me. Thank you

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 31/07/2023 16:12

Sometimes a cold silence is the best expression of contempt. That's likely what you'd partner was doing.

WhateverMate · 31/07/2023 16:13

Wow! He should definitely have stood up for you. I don't know how you can look him in the eye after that Angry

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:13

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2023 16:11

You are angry and upset. Don't misplace that onto your partner. Leave bad review

You're right thank you. I'm sorry. I guess growing up with an army major as a dad I've stupidly always hoped to be with someone who would protect me. I would've jumped to his defence but I guess I need to grow up and take care of myself. Which I know is common sense. Thank you for your input

OP posts:
Grumpigal · 31/07/2023 16:14

Of course he should have spoken up for you. That’s abhorrent that he just let the guy ridicule and insult you.

Im really sorry the piercer did that, he sounds like a deeply unhappy individual and hopefully one day he will be put firmly back in his box.

As an aside, you could look into a non surgical nose job. It is essentially filler, I have it because of a deviated septum and it has straightened the appearance of my nose considerably. It is a fraction of the cost of surgery and will last about 18 months between top ups, it cost in the region of 300/400£. So it’s not super cheap but it is affordable option. Look for reputable doctor / nurse aestheticians in your local area.

that is of course if you WANT to, there is nothing wrong with accepting your nose as is.

Softoprider · 31/07/2023 16:14

You are an adult and should have stood up for yourself

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:15

WhateverMate · 31/07/2023 16:13

Wow! He should definitely have stood up for you. I don't know how you can look him in the eye after that Angry

It's difficult because I know I'm a grown up and should handle things myself it's just he's normally really confrontational when things are relating to him and I'm always standing by his side. I really hoped he would do the same for me but now I feel so alone and I'm questioning if I want to be with someone who ever stands up for me. This has happened before but relating to a different circumstance

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 16:16

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:11

He's a really confrontational guy when it's regards him but this is the first time he's witnessed something towards me and I just thought he might care enough to atleast politely say something. Perhaps I'm just different and I always stand up for him

Show quote history

That's an interesting description of him. You've left a physically abusive relationship. You're now in a relationship with a man who watched you be ridiculed but also who you described as being confrontational. What exactly do you mean by confrontational?

did you have any counselling at all after leaving the abuser? The freedom programme?

mumsworkneverstops · 31/07/2023 16:16

No I don't think he is wrong.

If you'd stood up for yourself he may of stood up for you too. He just didn't want to embarrass you, didn't know you were upset or was following your lead?

Very rude of the piercer though!

ManateeFair · 31/07/2023 16:18

That is extremely unusual behaviour from anyone in the piercing business. Most piercers are incredibly body-positive and celebratory about people's appearances. If he thought a septum piercing would be difficult, the usual thing for a piercer to say would be 'Hmm, we might struggle with that just because of the anatomy of your nose - it could be tricky to get the jewellery to sit right' or 'OK, looks like you might have a deviated septum there, which is when the septum is at an angle - so a septum piercing might not be a good choice here'. Frankly, I wouldn't go back to that establishment in a million years.

Anyway - to answer your actual question, as you sat there and said nothing while you were being insulted, I'm not sure it was your partner's place to 'stand up for you' really. For all he knew, if he'd said 'Wait a minute, how dare you talk to her like that?' you might have been mortified and embarrassed that he was starting an argument. He probably just felt he didn't want to patronise you or risk interpreting the situation wrongly.

The only person at fault here is the piercer, who was a dickhead. Be angry at him, rather than focusing your hurt on your partner.

ScarlettSahara · 31/07/2023 16:23

I’m so sorry you experienced that. The piercer is disgusting. I understand the rabbit in headlights thing when someone is objectionable & later feeling cross with yourself for not speaking up at the time.
I think some people do just freeze in a confrontation situation but given that you stick up for your partner & he speaks up for himself then his lack of defence of you is very disappointing. It would not worry some people but would bother me.