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Original poster

Should he have stood up for me

62 replies

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:04

This is hugely embarrassing and I realise I'll probably get a lot of negative comments but I'm really upset and I'm trying to work out why.

I've always wanted a septum piercing but a previous ex broke my nose really badly during lockdown so now my nose goes off to one side. I hate it a lot and I try and not think about it but I'll never be able to afford to get it fixed. Anyway I went to a piercer today and my partner went with me, it was just a consultation to see if I had the anatomy to get it done. Anyway the piercer just sat in front of me and just ridiculed me for 15 minutes. Here's a few quotes I remember between my tears.

'Wow I've never seen a nose as fucked up as yours'

'Here's some pictures of septum's I've pierced but obviously non of them are as wonky as yours'

'If I book you in I'll just put you down as wonky nose' followed by laughing.

The list goes on. It was horrible. I felt like a kid being bullied and I just went quiet and tried to stop myself from bursting into tears. My partner just sat there. I realise I should've stood up for myself or even walked out but I had really hoped he'd atleast say something. Even if it was just 'okay no more jokes now'. I know he's not my parent and I'm an adult and should've handled it myself but if it where you would you be upset too? Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

OP posts:
bleepbloop23 · 31/07/2023 20:08

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:03

That's is incredibly kind of you. Genuinely brought tears to my eyes. You're a stranger and you've gone out of your way to protect me. Thank you so so much!!

Show quote history

You’re more than welcome lovely; if there’s one thing I can’t fucking stand, it’s bastard bullies like him!

(PS go to someone nice and get the piercing!!)

CocoC · 31/07/2023 20:13

If you didn’t say anything maybe he didn’t realize how upset you were, or thought you weren’t upset and by jumping in he would be making it worse - like Will Smith at the Oscars sort of thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 20:17

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 31/07/2023 19:42

All the posters saying 'you should have stuck up for yourself', get a fucking grip and have some empathy will you.

Not one shred of understanding of how OP felt in the moment, being ridiculed and humiliated.

And someone who is supposed to love you, just sits there in silence.

I would have been disappointed too as my husband would have told the piercer to shove it up his arse and we would have left.

Hope you are feeling okay OP and leave bad reviews everywhere you can for the twat.

It's worth saying that often survivors of abuse do freeze. Women who haven't been abused might have fight or flight but because abuse 'trains' you out of these responses, all you have left is freeze.

If you don't understand why OP froze, count yourself really really lucky.

OTOH we know the partner has fight because he uses it for himself so he could have stepped in. I know mine would have.

And OP FWIW my DH can fold his nose flat to his face it's so 'fucked'. But he is the most gorgeous man I've ever met and I'm sure you are beautiful too.

CocoC · 31/07/2023 20:17

But I also think there seems to be a lot of latent violence in your interactions with others (he is ‘confrontational’, you are having to ‘jump in and defend him’). This may be a reflection of the environment you are in, but with your history of abuse, this does not bode well. Be careful what you are getting into.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:18

@bleepbloop23 I'm too uncomfortable getting the piercing now sadly. I feel like if my nose is that clearly fucked up I don't want to draw even more attention to it 😭

Again thank you so much. I honestly cannot believe you've stood up for me. You're a wonderful person. I'm worried that it may cause problems for the piercer. I get guilty a lot but if it hopefully teaches them to be kinder with their words then hopefully nobody will be made to feel the way I do.

Have a beautiful night, you deserve it!

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:22

@MrsTerryPratchett oh gosh I'm in tears at how understanding and kind you are. Same with the amazing person who messaged the website, it's so heartwarming having people not only offer understanding and support but who also stand up for me. I genuinely cannot thank you enough. You're right, freeze is how I live my life. It's drilled into my brain and I hope one day I can move past that.

I hope you're well and having a beautiful day. You're a wonderful person! Honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:24

CocoC · 31/07/2023 20:13

If you didn’t say anything maybe he didn’t realize how upset you were, or thought you weren’t upset and by jumping in he would be making it worse - like Will Smith at the Oscars sort of thing.

Sadly I did. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said how horrible this was before the piercer came back in to show me pictures. I've spoken with him now and he admits that he was shocked at how rude and horrible I was spoken to. He said it seems so crazy because of how brutal it was but then when I ask him why he didn't help me he said he didn't know what to do. So I'm trying to be understanding. I'm just upset

OP posts:
bleepbloop23 · 31/07/2023 20:25

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:18

@bleepbloop23 I'm too uncomfortable getting the piercing now sadly. I feel like if my nose is that clearly fucked up I don't want to draw even more attention to it 😭

Again thank you so much. I honestly cannot believe you've stood up for me. You're a wonderful person. I'm worried that it may cause problems for the piercer. I get guilty a lot but if it hopefully teaches them to be kinder with their words then hopefully nobody will be made to feel the way I do.

Have a beautiful night, you deserve it!

Well, it’ll be tough titties for him if he gets into a spot of bother over it because it’ll be entirely his own fault!

You too darling ❤️

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:26

CocoC · 31/07/2023 20:17

But I also think there seems to be a lot of latent violence in your interactions with others (he is ‘confrontational’, you are having to ‘jump in and defend him’). This may be a reflection of the environment you are in, but with your history of abuse, this does not bode well. Be careful what you are getting into.

You're right I do agree. I just don't know what to do. This last year I feel like my mind doesn't allow me to think clearly. Like I'm constantly holding my breath. I just don't know what steps to take anymore. My mental health has taken quite a big step back and it feels like every day I'm trying to survive. I don't know how to walk away. If that makes any sense

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 20:27

He said it seems so crazy because of how brutal it was but then when I ask him why he didn't help me he said he didn't know what to do.

Have you done the Freedom Program OP? Any counselling? You're right in that trauma place and you might need a bit of help getting yourself moving out of there.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 20:27

He said it seems so crazy because of how brutal it was but then when I ask him why he didn't help me he said he didn't know what to do.

Have you done the Freedom Program OP? Any counselling? You're right in that trauma place and you might need a bit of help getting yourself moving out of there.

I'm so sorry I've never heard of the freedom program? What is it?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 20:34

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Also the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy. I think you can get a free PDF online.

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