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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he have stood up for me

62 replies

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:04

This is hugely embarrassing and I realise I'll probably get a lot of negative comments but I'm really upset and I'm trying to work out why.

I've always wanted a septum piercing but a previous ex broke my nose really badly during lockdown so now my nose goes off to one side. I hate it a lot and I try and not think about it but I'll never be able to afford to get it fixed. Anyway I went to a piercer today and my partner went with me, it was just a consultation to see if I had the anatomy to get it done. Anyway the piercer just sat in front of me and just ridiculed me for 15 minutes. Here's a few quotes I remember between my tears.

'Wow I've never seen a nose as fucked up as yours'

'Here's some pictures of septum's I've pierced but obviously non of them are as wonky as yours'

'If I book you in I'll just put you down as wonky nose' followed by laughing.

The list goes on. It was horrible. I felt like a kid being bullied and I just went quiet and tried to stop myself from bursting into tears. My partner just sat there. I realise I should've stood up for myself or even walked out but I had really hoped he'd atleast say something. Even if it was just 'okay no more jokes now'. I know he's not my parent and I'm an adult and should've handled it myself but if it where you would you be upset too? Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 31/07/2023 16:25

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:15

It's difficult because I know I'm a grown up and should handle things myself it's just he's normally really confrontational when things are relating to him and I'm always standing by his side. I really hoped he would do the same for me but now I feel so alone and I'm questioning if I want to be with someone who ever stands up for me. This has happened before but relating to a different circumstance

Show quote history

I don't think a relationship with 'a really confrontational guy' is something you should be pursuing, given your past experience of violent abuse at the hands of a partner.

Are you subconsciously seeking out men who seem confrontational and aggressive?

Fairyhouses · 31/07/2023 16:28

Name and shame! Who the eff spoke to you like this?!

Nowhere NEAR as bad as that but I went with my girlfriend to a consultation for something cosmetic and the consultant was rude about her looks. I grabbed her hand, glared at them and said 'Come on, we're going!' and left them a very accurate review!Of course he should have stuck up for you. Disgusting.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:28

@ManateeFair no I'm really not. He seemed really sweet and totally different from my previous ex. But as time has gone on I've noticed he gets really angry over his problems and people causing him issues and I literally go out of my way to stand up for him, I really thought he was the type of man to see us as a team and protect me when I need protecting. Instead it's just me on my own and I'm expected to protect him 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:30

Fairyhouses · 31/07/2023 16:28

Name and shame! Who the eff spoke to you like this?!

Nowhere NEAR as bad as that but I went with my girlfriend to a consultation for something cosmetic and the consultant was rude about her looks. I grabbed her hand, glared at them and said 'Come on, we're going!' and left them a very accurate review!Of course he should have stuck up for you. Disgusting.

I live in Chester and it's a tattoo studio called inkedup. See that's what I want. I bet that made you partner feel so safe and protected. I just feel embarrassed and humiliated and he's just fallen asleep on the sofa as if nothing has happened 😭

OP posts:
Tighginn · 31/07/2023 16:32

Don't know anyone that is a tattoo artist or piercer, that is not dick and a fraud. Do not go near!

LakeTiticaca · 31/07/2023 16:32

Wow that's awful!! I would have fully expected my partner to have lamped him one for saying that!!
Write a really excoriating review and publish it on his page

GalileoHumpkins · 31/07/2023 16:37

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:12

I know you're right I was just so upset. I guess because I jump to his rescue I thought he might do the same but you're right, I'm the only one who can take care of me. Thank you

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Why and how often are you jumping to his rescue? Describing him as really confrontational is quite worrying, is he the classic 'you wot mate' man?

I wouldn't personally want a man like that standing up for me and possibly escalating a situation where I could speak for myself.

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/07/2023 16:40

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 16:16

That's an interesting description of him. You've left a physically abusive relationship. You're now in a relationship with a man who watched you be ridiculed but also who you described as being confrontational. What exactly do you mean by confrontational?

did you have any counselling at all after leaving the abuser? The freedom programme?

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I was thinking exactly the same. I think the OP has chosen another abuser to be in a relationship with.

IglesiasPiggl · 31/07/2023 16:47

That piercer is an arse. I think the best way your partner could have supported you would have been to have said to you "Let me know if you want to leave, we can go any time".

Fairyhouses · 31/07/2023 17:28

I live in Chester and it's a tattoo studio called inkedup. See that's what I want. I bet that made you partner feel so safe and protected. I just feel embarrassed and humiliated and he's just fallen asleep on the sofa as if nothing has happened 😭
@weneedhelpandlove I'd need to have words with him. Does he have form for this?

For context, in my situation I am small and quite petite- and my partner (I'm a lesbian) is a tall, strapping woman with a much larger build, she's the one who protects me (e.g I never feel unsafe walking with her at night) usually, but in that case she, like you, was just taken aback and didn't know how to respond-it isn't the sort of thing you expect! As you've said above, you would not stand back and let something like that be said to him and he has proven he does not award you the same protection. I'd most definitely not let this drop!

Paperclipped · 31/07/2023 18:35

Fairyhouses · 31/07/2023 16:28

Name and shame! Who the eff spoke to you like this?!

Nowhere NEAR as bad as that but I went with my girlfriend to a consultation for something cosmetic and the consultant was rude about her looks. I grabbed her hand, glared at them and said 'Come on, we're going!' and left them a very accurate review!Of course he should have stuck up for you. Disgusting.

I'd have been furious in your girlfriend's shoes if someone else had decided that I was departing from a consultation that I had booked and which was about me.

Fairyhouses · 31/07/2023 19:17

Paperclipped · 31/07/2023 18:35

I'd have been furious in your girlfriend's shoes if someone else had decided that I was departing from a consultation that I had booked and which was about me.

Show quote history

I know her well enough to know that it would have really upset her what they said and also that if for any reason she'd wanted to stay, she'd have told me 'No, It's okay'.

Tinkerbyebye · 31/07/2023 19:33

YANBU. The piercer was awful and I would be leaving a bad review

i would also be having a conversation with your partner around how you were obviously upset and he did nothing and the least he could do is tell the piercer to stop, that’s what i would expect as a minimum

If he won’t stand up for you then he won’t protector stand up for you anywhere and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that

notacooldad · 31/07/2023 19:36

Perhaps I'm just different and I always stand up for him
How much confrontation do you guys get into that you always stand up for him?
I can’t think of one occasion that I’ve needed to stand up for DH in 30 years,

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 31/07/2023 19:42

All the posters saying 'you should have stuck up for yourself', get a fucking grip and have some empathy will you.

Not one shred of understanding of how OP felt in the moment, being ridiculed and humiliated.

And someone who is supposed to love you, just sits there in silence.

I would have been disappointed too as my husband would have told the piercer to shove it up his arse and we would have left.

Hope you are feeling okay OP and leave bad reviews everywhere you can for the twat.

Emmamoo89 · 31/07/2023 19:44

What a cunt. I'm so sorry you went through that. X

Emmamoo89 · 31/07/2023 19:44

The piercer not your husband x

Pipiestrelle · 31/07/2023 19:47

DannyLaRue - I second you.

Conkersinautumn · 31/07/2023 19:49

Leave a detailed review about what the piercer said. He's a very cruel and callous individual. Piercing requires an element of trust. Obviously he isn't up to that role

FredWinnie · 31/07/2023 19:50

DannyLaRuesBestFrock

Well said

itsgettingweird · 31/07/2023 19:52

thorneyislanddoris · 31/07/2023 16:10

That's terrible.

If I were you, I'd leave a negative review online.

I was also thinking this about online review.

Your DP was probably as stunned as you and like you unable to react appropriately.

And don't feel ugly. You may have scars on the outside but you'll never be as ugly as that piercer or the cunt that broke your nose.

Flowers
Rathouse · 31/07/2023 19:53

You could of got up and left. I bet your DP felt uncomfortable what did he say after?

bleepbloop23 · 31/07/2023 19:55

Namechanged in case they actually bother to do anything about this.

I’ve sent a message via their site with a link to this post so their management can read for themselves the abuse one of their staff subjected you to.

Sorry you had to go through that shit, some people don’t have the brains they were born with Flowers

ItsNotRocketSalad · 31/07/2023 19:56

If I was the bystander I would have taken my cue from my partner. If I could see them getting upset I would say something, but if they seemed okay it isn't my place to 'rescue' them. Many people hate confrontation and would be annoyed at someone making a fuss on their behalf.

As your partner I think he should know you well enough to tell how you're feeling.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:03

bleepbloop23 · 31/07/2023 19:55

Namechanged in case they actually bother to do anything about this.

I’ve sent a message via their site with a link to this post so their management can read for themselves the abuse one of their staff subjected you to.

Sorry you had to go through that shit, some people don’t have the brains they were born with Flowers

That's is incredibly kind of you. Genuinely brought tears to my eyes. You're a stranger and you've gone out of your way to protect me. Thank you so so much!!

OP posts: