Am I being too demanding by asking for 1 hour a day to exercise?

[Dad12344444]

For context, I am a 35 year old guy with 3 kids, 9 7 and 6 weeks old and a golden retriever. I work a fairly high pressure job and earn in excess of 250k a year and I’m very proud of the life this enables my family and I to have.

I do almost all of the school runs for the eldest and all of their club pickup/drop offs (4 days a week). I do the 3am night feed for my youngest, so my wife can get a block of sleep.

In the house, Im almost exclusively responsible for the laundry, make the majority of kids’ dinners & bed times. I probably do 50% of the food shopping however, maybe 20% of my wife & I’s dinner.

In addition to this, we have a cleaner, a sleep nanny 2ce a week, a tutor for eldest & a dog walker which I pay for to try and provide support & free up some time. I am fully aware how privileged we are to be able to fund this help.

My wife is on maternity, however just prior to this she had recently qualified as a therapist and working 2 days a week. She suffered from post natal depression with both of our previous children and i has been something we have been really aware of this time & have tried to take into account ways to give her the best chance and space to mentally recover.

With all of this said, I feel like I need to be ‘on it’ most of the time, I don’t drink anymore as I found this was really contributing to this. It led to my mood being irritable and generally not as sharp.

The other thing that I find enables me to function to a high level is exercise. I recently made the ask of 1 hour a day to do this, I can do this in the middle of the day or night, i don’t mind getting up at 4 am or going during my workday.

However this request was met with: ‘I have carried this child for 10 months and now breast feeding and you are putting your own needs above me’. And ‘give me my time. If there is time for you great, but stop demanding it’.

This is the reason for my post. I feel like I go to the extreme to carve my wife out time, which she wastes, scrolling or lying on the sofa. So when I then try and take an hour that I work really hard to create, her response is ‘well i haven’t had any time’ and it becomes really difficult to swallow for me.

The logical side of me understands that her needs aren’t being met somehow and she has been though a rollercoaster of emotion. But I don’t know how to meet those needs to enable her to feel safe and happy.

I suppose I am asking to hear that I am not alone and that I am doing a good job. And words of wisdom from mothers as to where I am falling short as I’m not meeting my wife’s needs somewhere.

Thanks

Baby 6 weeks old? Of course you need to be 'on it' with older children and everything else for a bit.
Give it a couple of months for the dust to settle and try and work out some kind of child-free hour each per day or however often you can both manage.

Heh.

I think you're falling short by judging your wife for 'wasting time' "scrolling or lying on the sofa". I don't have kids and I rarely find time for 1 hour exercise a day.

I don’t think YABU if you were willing to fit it around the needs or your family.

DH trains 20 hour weeks and it has little to no impact on our busy schedules because he’s willing to be flexible and work around the family. Equally I train most days (and often for more than an hour) and he is incredibly accommodating. Even when DCs were newborns, we would find ways to make it work.

It’s give and take though. Offer her an hour per day to do whatever self care she feels is important.

An hour a day with small DC including a newborn is a huge ask.

Oh really.

You say you can do the exercise during the day - lunch hour? I'd do that. Or 3 days a week to start?

You'll get a variety of answers and some probably pretty harsh, but honestly, it sounds like you're doing a lot on top of work already BUT your wife is only 6 weeks in from having a baby.

Lost me at ‘wastes’ for a 6 week post-partum woman.

The "I do it all", is that since baby or always? What about now it's school holidays? What time are you put of the house with work?

I would say have an hour each. If she chooses to use hers to scroll, but just know that, say 8-9pm is her hour and 21-1pm is your hour. I'd say she'll accept it that way.

Earns in excess of £250k, does night wake ups, lots of housework, most school pick ups and drop offs whilst lazy wife just scrolls. Seems legit.

I think it’s fair enough. You’ve got a cleaner, dog walker and the older kids are at school. You’re still doing loads. You may have to reframe it a bit to her if she’s struggling. It’s probably just the feeling of being tied down and rubbish about yourself with a new born. She maybe resents you in some way. Could you have a heart to heart?

I can't fit in an hour a day and my children are teens. I honestly think it's far too much to expect, with 3 kids and a dog and you working fulltime. If you want a different lifestyle you need to look at working reduced hours/part-time.

Could you walk the dog for exercise and kill two birds with one stone?

On the face of it I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. An hour a day is not a lot for you to ask for if you are doing all the other things you have said here. However your wife might still need more support … it doesn’t need to be either/or.

I'm sure I will get ripped apart for this, but the whole time I was reading your post I just kept thinking 'what on earth does his wife do?'.
If what you say is really true, I actually think you do too much and can't imagine where you fit it all in. It seems that the more you give, the more is taken.
Stop doing so much, your wife sounds lazy. I carried my daughter for 9 months, had a traumatic birth that ended with a emergency section, my husband was great during my recovery period, but he also had to go back to work after a week and half (his own business). I breastfed my daughter (still do at 16 months), walk my Labrador, do 100% of the laundry, shopping, cleaning, getting up during the night and work 3 days a week. And I feel I have it easy. Your wife is lazy and will just keep taking. You are definitely not unreasonable, and if this post was reversed and the husband was saying this to his wife, there would be uproar and screams of 'leave him' and 'what are his redeeming qualities?'. Take your time to exercise, and give your wife a reason to move of the couch.

How does it impact her at all if you exercise on your lunch hour?

You sound like a lovely husband.

Your wife isn’t wasting time by lying on the sofa - that is her relaxation/downtime! Just having a break without dealing with or being touched by kids is massive in those early days, and she can spend it however she likes!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in wanting time to exercise, but your wife probably feels that if you are able to carve out an hour a day for exercise you could be spending that hour or part of it on her or the kids instead. With a 6 week old everything will feel tough atm.

If I were you I’d try to take the time from your working day (when not visibly present /at home) as long as that doesn’t mean you are less available to your family (ie take it from work, not from them). Or if you want to do it by say waking up earlier why don’t you tell your wife that if the baby wakes during this time you will have them?

And I’d also make sure that your wife truly is having time for herself where you ensure she is not bothered by the kids. When I “get a lie in” my kids are constantly in and out of our bedroom asking me stuff and trying to talk to me while my DH is seemingly oblivious downstairs - drives me mad!

If you can do it on your lunch hour, why would you ask for permission?
I don't have a clue what my partner gets up to during his lunch break.

You will get told on here that you should never take even a second to yourself and you should never rest as your wife has had a baby. You should work and pay for a cleaner and nanny and then come home and do 100% of all house and childcare while wife rests. Its a ridiculous MN trend. Its not a reflection of the real world. Everyone needs time to themselves as an adult human. We don't just morth into parents and lose all our own needs. The above is a sure way to ruin s marriage and hsve a breakdown. With a night nanny and everything else I don't think an hour a day is a big ask and I absolutely think its fair you should have that. Exercise is especially important. Even if its an hour to sit snd stare into space thats ok. You wont get many people saying that on here though. Funny that most seem to have time to post replies on MN.

I'm glad you said it.

I think a six week old baby means it's too early to ask for an hour every day. Work up to it slowly.

But long term, it doesn't matter what you earn. What you both need to aim for is:

• while you're at work, and assuming your wife is a sahm, she should care for the baby and do as much of the housework and life admin and care for other kids as is possible without damaging her physical or mental health. The exact amount will vary day to day, person to person, and baby to baby.
• while you're not at work, all remaining childcare and house chores are split evenly (allocate tasks as suits your strengths and abilities but the TIME spent on tasks should be equal)
• if there is any spare time to fit in 'me time ' for you, this should be split between you. If you can forge out 20 minutes, you get 10 mins each every day, or 20 mins every other day. If you can find 2 hours a day in total, then yes, you can have your hour and she can have hers. Each of you can do anything you want in this time.

I wonder if your wife is depressed so isn't aware of how much time she spends not doing much like scrolling etc. Did you get the chance to explain properly ? Because I don't see how anyone could reasonably object to this when they consider all you are doing and your reasons for wanting one hour a day to exercise.

As someone who managed my mental health for years by exercise and then lapsed and now on all kinds of therapy and medication I think it’s important you get your exercise in daily. That said could it be 30 mins not an hour? Have you got work out things at home so your baby can sleep next to you or watch in a bouncer while you train? This is my husbands and I plan as we are expecting our first soon and have converted the garage to a gym.

Aldo if you get an hour a day then so does your wife so think how that will fit in etc.

He sounds perfect to me. I bet the useless, lazy wife's just worried that he's going to get even more attractive if he's down the gym every day, and let's be honest - he's already out of her league.

Surely the dog walker isn't walking the dog multiple times per day?

Are you not able to combine the dog walking with a run?
Or excersize while your older kids are at an activity ?