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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too demanding by asking for 1 hour a day to exercise?

165 replies

Dad12344444 · 31/07/2023 11:08

For context, I am a 35 year old guy with 3 kids, 9 7 and 6 weeks old and a golden retriever. I work a fairly high pressure job and earn in excess of 250k a year and I’m very proud of the life this enables my family and I to have.

I do almost all of the school runs for the eldest and all of their club pickup/drop offs (4 days a week). I do the 3am night feed for my youngest, so my wife can get a block of sleep.

In the house, Im almost exclusively responsible for the laundry, make the majority of kids’ dinners & bed times. I probably do 50% of the food shopping however, maybe 20% of my wife & I’s dinner.

In addition to this, we have a cleaner, a sleep nanny 2ce a week, a tutor for eldest & a dog walker which I pay for to try and provide support & free up some time. I am fully aware how privileged we are to be able to fund this help.

My wife is on maternity, however just prior to this she had recently qualified as a therapist and working 2 days a week. She suffered from post natal depression with both of our previous children and i has been something we have been really aware of this time & have tried to take into account ways to give her the best chance and space to mentally recover.

With all of this said, I feel like I need to be ‘on it’ most of the time, I don’t drink anymore as I found this was really contributing to this. It led to my mood being irritable and generally not as sharp.

The other thing that I find enables me to function to a high level is exercise. I recently made the ask of 1 hour a day to do this, I can do this in the middle of the day or night, i don’t mind getting up at 4 am or going during my workday.

However this request was met with: ‘I have carried this child for 10 months and now breast feeding and you are putting your own needs above me’. And ‘give me my time. If there is time for you great, but stop demanding it’.

This is the reason for my post. I feel like I go to the extreme to carve my wife out time, which she wastes, scrolling or lying on the sofa. So when I then try and take an hour that I work really hard to create, her response is ‘well i haven’t had any time’ and it becomes really difficult to swallow for me.

The logical side of me understands that her needs aren’t being met somehow and she has been though a rollercoaster of emotion. But I don’t know how to meet those needs to enable her to feel safe and happy.

I suppose I am asking to hear that I am not alone and that I am doing a good job. And words of wisdom from mothers as to where I am falling short as I’m not meeting my wife’s needs somewhere.

Thanks

OP posts:
jellyfrizz · 31/07/2023 12:59

An addition to the family must be a great motivator! The number of men I know that decide to enter events that take on Iron Man events or marathons when the children are at 0-4 is huge. See also 'having' to go back into the office.

DismantledKing · 31/07/2023 13:07

jellyfrizz · 31/07/2023 12:59

An addition to the family must be a great motivator! The number of men I know that decide to enter events that take on Iron Man events or marathons when the children are at 0-4 is huge. See also 'having' to go back into the office.

Or cycling of course…

notahappybunny7 · 31/07/2023 13:11

TealSapphire · 31/07/2023 12:07

Would you really exercise at 4am? If you do the 3am feed, exercise at 4am, then presumably you wouldn't go back to bed so effectively you'd be up at 3am every day. You'd have to go to bed pretty early or make up that sleep somewhere.

My ex used to be up early to exercise on the weekend and then sleep half the day when he got home. Annoying.

I regularly get up at 3am! Not out of choice but I am an early riser and usually up by 5, exhausted and ready for bed by 9 each night though!

ManateeFair · 31/07/2023 13:20

You earn a quarter of a million quid, mate. Pretty sure you can pay [another] nanny to keep an eye on the kids for an hour a day while you go for a run.

SweetyMcSweeterson · 31/07/2023 13:25

I think, it's very simple. Does your wife have an hour a day to do something for herself and are all the joint tasks (eg household chores, anything related to kids) done satisfactorily with both of you taking about 7h a week out for yourself? If yes, then go ahead. If not, then you need to come up with a new plan so that everything that has to be done is done and so that both of you get an equal amount of time to yourself.

When I was on maternity leave I absolutely did not have an hour a day to myself by the way. I still Don't.

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 13:28

SweetyMcSweeterson · 31/07/2023 13:25

I think, it's very simple. Does your wife have an hour a day to do something for herself and are all the joint tasks (eg household chores, anything related to kids) done satisfactorily with both of you taking about 7h a week out for yourself? If yes, then go ahead. If not, then you need to come up with a new plan so that everything that has to be done is done and so that both of you get an equal amount of time to yourself.

When I was on maternity leave I absolutely did not have an hour a day to myself by the way. I still Don't.

Exactly.

Tandora · 31/07/2023 13:34

I think you are out of your mind to think you can exercise everyday for an hour with a six week old baby.
Im betting there is a verrry different alternative side to this story.

Tandora · 31/07/2023 13:37

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I’ve never met a mother with a six week old baby who had time to go to the gym everyday for a hour 😂. I’m presuming this is what OP is talking about, not just moving his body around.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/07/2023 13:41

Tandora · 31/07/2023 13:34

I think you are out of your mind to think you can exercise everyday for an hour with a six week old baby.
Im betting there is a verrry different alternative side to this story.

@Tandora

its an hour that’s all

Luxell934 · 31/07/2023 13:45

Just hire a babysitter/nanny for a few hours in the day and both have your "me time" then.

CreeperBoom · 31/07/2023 13:53

And ‘give me my time. If there is time for you great, but stop demanding it’.

This jumped out at me. Sounds like she thinks if she agrees to an hour per day, it will be written in stone, and you will not flex regardless of what is happening on a particular day or week. She probably also realises that it will quickly escalate - to an Ironman, no less.

Where will the "hour" come from? Less time at work? Less time doing other leisure activities? Or less time for her/family?

I don't disagree that an hour per day of exercise is a decent goal, btw. But not with a tiny baby. And an Ironman is not an hour per day.

Yamatoosogani · 31/07/2023 13:54

This post looks more like 'broposting' than a request for help

I think your woman is being more than unreasonable, but if i had 250k a year i'd pay someone else to go jogging for 1 hour.

hahahahahahahahahah · 31/07/2023 14:04

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheGoogleMum · 31/07/2023 14:08

When she has time and is just scrolling maybe make it clearer to her - you are managing the kids she can go do what she wants to relax for an hour. Normally with a 6 week old I would say YABU but it does sound like you're doing a lot plus have a lot of extra help

ZacharinaQuack · 31/07/2023 14:08

I don't think I'm being that much of a martyr thinking an hour a day for exercise is unrealistic at the moment - it probably won't be later on, but with a newborn in the family (as well as two older DC), it's a lovely aspiration for both parents to get that time alone, but it's pretty unlikely to happen, for both parents, every single day. I used to do endurance events pre-DC and train about 8 hours a week but I wouldn't be planning to do that with a new baby in the family.

PeloMom · 31/07/2023 14:11

YNBU. It’s for your mental health and you need that to be able to support her and look after the kids/ work. Also sounds like you’re willing to be flexible, it’s not like you want to do that when it’s the most hectic time for the family.

Tandora · 31/07/2023 15:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ok granted that’s feasible if the gym is in your house 🙈🙈.
otherwise, no.

DrSbaitso · 31/07/2023 15:02

Some odd ones thinking I would lie on an anonymous post 🤣

Yes, what a weird thing to do on the internet!

Catskidsandme · 31/07/2023 15:02

Those of you who dont have an hour a day to yourself what are you doing all day? Im genuinely asking because I dont have that experience.
I work in a stressful job but I still manage to have time to myself whrn dc are in bed or when they are occupied in the evening. On weekends or days off what is taking so much time? I have played outside with dc and taken them and the dog for a walk. I have put a load in the washer, tidied their rooms and done the dishwasher. I have watched dc do a 'show' for 20 mins and we have cooked lunch together. I have still had two hours laid on the sofa. Obviously if we are doing a day out thats different but I cant understand what everyone is so busy doing all day every day.
When dc were tiny they fed and then either slept or sat in the baby chair or my arms while i watched netflix. I played with them but not at 6 weeks snd not 24/7. You can get loads done with thrm in the sling then once dh gets home you can have an hour alone as can he.
People are busy busy busy these days. You must all hace show homes and play with the dc 12 hours a day.

ZacharinaQuack · 31/07/2023 15:21

@Catskidsandme I've been thinking about this. I think the main difference between me & DP and normal people is that we get tired and go to bed quite early. But also our DC are toddler age so they can't be carried around in a sling, but also need a bit more supervision and company than older DC might. We do end up with an hour or so to flop on the sofa before bed, but that's not time we'd be spending exercising - too knackered, and too soon after dinner. So it's not that we don't have an hour a day, but not the same quality of hour as we'd have had pre-DC! At weekends we can take turns with childcare to free up time for each other, but if we want a family day out it's often one of our exercise that will fall by the wayside.

takealettermsjones · 31/07/2023 15:25

Catskidsandme · 31/07/2023 15:02

Those of you who dont have an hour a day to yourself what are you doing all day? Im genuinely asking because I dont have that experience.
I work in a stressful job but I still manage to have time to myself whrn dc are in bed or when they are occupied in the evening. On weekends or days off what is taking so much time? I have played outside with dc and taken them and the dog for a walk. I have put a load in the washer, tidied their rooms and done the dishwasher. I have watched dc do a 'show' for 20 mins and we have cooked lunch together. I have still had two hours laid on the sofa. Obviously if we are doing a day out thats different but I cant understand what everyone is so busy doing all day every day.
When dc were tiny they fed and then either slept or sat in the baby chair or my arms while i watched netflix. I played with them but not at 6 weeks snd not 24/7. You can get loads done with thrm in the sling then once dh gets home you can have an hour alone as can he.
People are busy busy busy these days. You must all hace show homes and play with the dc 12 hours a day.

I've got a fussy newborn who is very much in a cycle of doze-feed-puke at the moment, and won't sleep reliably unless either in completely dark bedroom or in moving pram (hates bouncer, sling, etc). So while I do have time to scroll aimlessly online or play sudoku etc while I'm feeding, I don't get time to myself otherwise. I can't go to the gym or just take myself off and do something on my own. I also have a preschooler who is constantly on the go. I don't mind, at all, but yeah, that's what I'm doing all day!

Lalalalala555 · 31/07/2023 15:31

To be a support you need to be able to function yourself.
Honestly, nothing is wiser than exercise, good diet and sleep.

Plus it sounds like you are paying to free up time already.
Just go for it.

PartingGift · 31/07/2023 15:33

Buy a Peleton. Use it at 4am. Job done.

That or pay for more childcare.

headcheffer · 31/07/2023 15:44

Normally I think with 3 kids and a 6 week old you have to prioritise family life for a bit, and your wife scrolling in her free time is up to her and resting is a valid choice. With the amount of paid help you have access to though, I don't see how you're not getting an hour to exercise as your wife and kids can be supported for that hour if needed by nanny etc. Why can't you leave an hour early for work on the days the night nanny is there? Or go at lunchtime at work. In my household we struggle with this but we have less help than you. However I've just put in place additional childcare to get me one morning a week where I can exercise because we need to prioritise my health.

Catskidsandme · 31/07/2023 15:49

@takealettermsjones and @ZacharinaQuack of course not all dc are alike and some require more input. My eldest was born with an illness that requires treatment and her first year was spent in and out of hospitals, she couldn't be left after a feed as her little tummy was damaged.
My youngest has adhd and sat up at 3 months, walked at 9. Eldest spoke first words at 8 months and never shuts up to this day, she has asd.
I just worked with it to keep my sanity. I used safety gates and made the garden secure so youngest could run and climb, i used to take her to a field early to run and run. Eldest i let her ring my sister to talk to her for an hour even as a toddler. Youngest never slept more than 20 mins but would be ok for a bit in the swing or sling. I used to make the room secure and dooze while she rolled about. My supervison was sometimes while I laid on the sofa. Im not saying it was all prefect or easy but I didnt feel like I couldn't take an hour. No family help but I just prioritised some time for me as I too have adhd and would have gone crazy.