Am I being too demanding by asking for 1 hour a day to exercise?

[Dad12344444]

For context, I am a 35 year old guy with 3 kids, 9 7 and 6 weeks old and a golden retriever. I work a fairly high pressure job and earn in excess of 250k a year and I’m very proud of the life this enables my family and I to have.

I do almost all of the school runs for the eldest and all of their club pickup/drop offs (4 days a week). I do the 3am night feed for my youngest, so my wife can get a block of sleep.

In the house, Im almost exclusively responsible for the laundry, make the majority of kids’ dinners & bed times. I probably do 50% of the food shopping however, maybe 20% of my wife & I’s dinner.

In addition to this, we have a cleaner, a sleep nanny 2ce a week, a tutor for eldest & a dog walker which I pay for to try and provide support & free up some time. I am fully aware how privileged we are to be able to fund this help.

My wife is on maternity, however just prior to this she had recently qualified as a therapist and working 2 days a week. She suffered from post natal depression with both of our previous children and i has been something we have been really aware of this time & have tried to take into account ways to give her the best chance and space to mentally recover.

With all of this said, I feel like I need to be ‘on it’ most of the time, I don’t drink anymore as I found this was really contributing to this. It led to my mood being irritable and generally not as sharp.

The other thing that I find enables me to function to a high level is exercise. I recently made the ask of 1 hour a day to do this, I can do this in the middle of the day or night, i don’t mind getting up at 4 am or going during my workday.

However this request was met with: ‘I have carried this child for 10 months and now breast feeding and you are putting your own needs above me’. And ‘give me my time. If there is time for you great, but stop demanding it’.

This is the reason for my post. I feel like I go to the extreme to carve my wife out time, which she wastes, scrolling or lying on the sofa. So when I then try and take an hour that I work really hard to create, her response is ‘well i haven’t had any time’ and it becomes really difficult to swallow for me.

The logical side of me understands that her needs aren’t being met somehow and she has been though a rollercoaster of emotion. But I don’t know how to meet those needs to enable her to feel safe and happy.

I suppose I am asking to hear that I am not alone and that I am doing a good job. And words of wisdom from mothers as to where I am falling short as I’m not meeting my wife’s needs somewhere.

Thanks

I actually think you do an awful lot / I had x3 kids similar ages I didn't expect my husband to get up to do feeds if he was working. I also took my kids to school and collected them.

i think an hour in the gym is reasonable seeing as you are pretty hands on. Your wife gets a full night sleep so unlikely to be tired in the day.

@Catskidsandme sure - I get that. I can make time to lie on the sofa or read a newspaper or something. In the OP, it sounds like the wife is getting time to do that too (scrolling on her phone), but would value some time either with her husband or completely on her own, which she's not currently getting. OP also wants time completely on his own to do exercise for an hour every day. What I find unrealistic based on my own experience is the idea that they can both have that hour every single day. I'm totally not being a martyr here either - I get plenty of downtime, DC don't need constant attention, they're lovely to spend time with, and this is what I signed up for. I do miss being fitter and running marathons though - hopefully will get back to it later.

I don't think an hour a day is too much to ask tbh, as long as your dw gets the same (to do what she wants, even mindless scrolling).

The fact that you are willing to take it at 4am or during your working day makes the proposal even more reasonable imo - not taking it at bedtime every day.

This should be possible in a house with the reserves to pay for cleaners and nannies.

Take baby out in a running pram?

You do loads. If you can fit in an hour and still do all that then great. As long as she gets her hour. Not sure why she wouldn’t want you to look after your health. I mean if you were doing naff all to help her then disappearing off to train for a triathlon a la Motherland then it would be different.

Just make sure she has equal down time.

The baby will need to be at least 6 months old for that.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's not as though you're not pulling your weight around the house.
Go for it.

Ha just read that you are training for an iron man. Just be aware of the huge commitment that is and that will probably be more than an hour a day. Not sure how well that will go done with 3 young kids.

DH has done several (at a good standard) since ours were born and they are 2 and 4. I did my first 70.3 when DS was just turned 1 which I know is slightly less in terms of training but if I was the breastfeeding parent (and went back to work when he was 8 months) and managed to find 10-15 hours per week to train.

But yes, realistically an hour a day is not going to be anything like enough during a training plan. You’re looking at some 7 hour days in the last month or so, not weeks. You really do need to be on the same page as DW if it’s not going to ruin your marriage.

Why ever not?!
All my friends can still do their horses twice a day, they take baby for morning stables, and OH might have them for evening stables, or go along with them. i don't get this tied down mentality. Surely planning is key? Which he is trying to do.

If your wife will also get an hour a day to exercise or scroll or relax- uninterrupted- to use how she wants etc etc then yanbu. You describe an awful lot of things that you do but you don’t seem to recognise all the things that she does? and whether she gets genuine downtime?

yup you do laundry and the 3am wake up. So presumably she’s doing the other wake ups and all the rest of the daytime stuff. Are you doin the entirety of the laundry? Ironing? Putting away etc?

if your wife gets an hour uninterrupted- equal leisure/ exercise/ downtime to you and you are 50/50 when you are home etc then no I do t think you’re being unreasonable. however if the situation is otherwise then yup you’re being unreasonable. I’m

There is paid help going in.
and he works full time! If she’s a SAHM then her job is to do the lionshare - he’s doing plenty on top of a full time job imo (if this is all true….)

Gyms in the house and morning and evening stables 😳😂😅. Sorry I forgot where I was temporarily and was talking about the majority of people who don’t live with such facilities in their own home.

@Tandora I don't think that means stable at home
Taking the baby TO the stables/livery yard/field most people say morning/evening stables

I have a "gym" at home. It's my spare room with some weights and a bike etc. not expensive

Nome of my friends have a gym at home or their horses at home. They have to go to where they are kept. Twice a day, everyday. Its just part of their life that doesnt change with having a family.