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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop being shitty

60 replies

weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 09:48

Has anyone else noticed how horrible people can be on Mumsnet. It's so frustrating to see. Literally every single post I have seen where a mum is asking for some advice or support, someone out there has to be a complete arsehole to them. What is happening to the world? Why does it feel nice to some people to belittle and be just damn right rude to anyone. This site is for mums to support mums. Majority of us come here in a vulnerable state asking for help. When did being kind and understanding become a rare quality!

Sorry just a rant.

Have a lovely day

OP posts:
PumpkinSoup21 · 30/07/2023 09:58

Yep. Some reasons I think this happens:

  • venting/reacting harshly to someone because their emotional literacy needs work or they have issues in their own lives.
  • culture of online discourse. It’s a space where it’s acceptable to be rude and even borderline abusive.
  • loneliness and associated anger - an explanation, not an excuse. Sleep deprivation too. We’ve all been there and I’m definitely not my best at phrasing things when I’m not well or the kids have been up all night.
  • bots, fake accounts and trolls
  • bigotry
  • failure to read the OP and instead react to something else in the thread leading to misunderstandings
  • difficulty of conveying tone in writing

I don’t think a genuinely supportive online community with anonymity exists. I wish it could.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 10:02

PumpkinSoup21 · 30/07/2023 09:58

Yep. Some reasons I think this happens:

  • venting/reacting harshly to someone because their emotional literacy needs work or they have issues in their own lives.
  • culture of online discourse. It’s a space where it’s acceptable to be rude and even borderline abusive.
  • loneliness and associated anger - an explanation, not an excuse. Sleep deprivation too. We’ve all been there and I’m definitely not my best at phrasing things when I’m not well or the kids have been up all night.
  • bots, fake accounts and trolls
  • bigotry
  • failure to read the OP and instead react to something else in the thread leading to misunderstandings
  • difficulty of conveying tone in writing

I don’t think a genuinely supportive online community with anonymity exists. I wish it could.

You're so right and I fully respect and appreciate the effort you took in this response. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 30/07/2023 10:02

I do, but they are definitely in the minority. Like all bad things their presence feels massive - we’re often much better at remembering bad things than good.

Look past that and there are so many supportive, warm mumsnetters; also wise and knowledgeable. And people do push back on the nasties.

threecupsofteaminimum · 30/07/2023 10:02

I think social media has shaped society to the degree where strangers feel at liberty to attack strangers online.

It's appalling and really sad.

I don't know how it's going to evolve but I know I'm keeping my 7yr old DS away from it as long as is humanly possible.

PumpkinSoup21 · 30/07/2023 10:04

I think, I hope, with a lot of the harshness and knee jerk dismissive reactions you see on here people would actually come to quite a different view if you were able to have a back and forth conversation in real life.

I also think people proclaim standards that they have never applied to themselves in reality and again they would admit that if there were an opportunity to actually discuss things with them.

MakkaPakkasMuvva · 30/07/2023 10:08

Mumsnet has grown a lot in popularity over the last few years. Threads are posted on sites like the Daily Mail, Mirror and Sun with undertones of 'look what the hysterical wimmin are moaning about now'. It invites arseholes onto the site to mock genuine posters.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 10:09

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 30/07/2023 10:02

I do, but they are definitely in the minority. Like all bad things their presence feels massive - we’re often much better at remembering bad things than good.

Look past that and there are so many supportive, warm mumsnetters; also wise and knowledgeable. And people do push back on the nasties.

That's a really great insight. You're right perhaps I'm remembering the negative more then the good. Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 10:10

threecupsofteaminimum · 30/07/2023 10:02

I think social media has shaped society to the degree where strangers feel at liberty to attack strangers online.

It's appalling and really sad.

I don't know how it's going to evolve but I know I'm keeping my 7yr old DS away from it as long as is humanly possible.

I completely agree. I have 7 year olds too and the fear I have for their future is massive. Bullying has always been rife but now throwing the internet into it, such a scary world.

I hope you and your family are well!

OP posts:
electriclight · 30/07/2023 10:15

I agree. Mention kindness on any thread and you get ten sarcastic responses saying that expecting women to be kind is misogyny, that they are allowed to speak their mind and tell it how it is.

threecupsofteaminimum · 30/07/2023 10:16

MakkaPakkasMuvva · 30/07/2023 10:08

Mumsnet has grown a lot in popularity over the last few years. Threads are posted on sites like the Daily Mail, Mirror and Sun with undertones of 'look what the hysterical wimmin are moaning about now'. It invites arseholes onto the site to mock genuine posters.

Gosh, this is such a good point, I hadn't thought of this. Ffs.

PerspiringElizabeth · 30/07/2023 10:17

Agree. Even the most mundane or neutral posts get a vicious answer within a few posts.

Whataretheodds · 30/07/2023 10:18

I've equally been blown away by the kindness and generosity shown to me and to others on here.

I think both exist. There are definite threads where the first 15 comments or so are quite negative towards OP and then someone will come in and give a different view, then loads of people respond in that vein. And the reverse also happens.

Whataretheodds · 30/07/2023 10:18

And I agree, tone gets missed by writer and reader.

PerspiringElizabeth · 30/07/2023 10:18

It feels new, too. I’ve been on mumsnet since I was 19 and I’m 33 now. It’s changed a lot. Came for the recipes, stayed for the parenting support, recently have wished to leave because of the horrible posters. Keep coming back because it IS a really good resource for quick, UK specific advice/answers.

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 10:19

I disagree the majority come here in a vulnerable state, but you're right, MN can be a very harsh place.

Having said that, there are still plenty of topics that don't seem to attract the rude and angry.

ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 10:20

…there is a thread like this every week, it doesn’t change anything. AIBU is a bit of a bearpit, but not all the forums are like that .. I have found the SN ones to be very helpful

CostelloJones · 30/07/2023 10:22

I have seen some really shitty things on MN but also some really kind supportive and lovely threads too.

It is a bit sad that I’m generally more surprised when someone is lovely on MN rather than shocked when someone is awful.

CostelloJones · 30/07/2023 10:23

ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 10:20

…there is a thread like this every week, it doesn’t change anything. AIBU is a bit of a bearpit, but not all the forums are like that .. I have found the SN ones to be very helpful

Yeah generally AIBU people come to for the drama.

Devilsmommy · 30/07/2023 10:24

I think some people just like being able to be as big a twat as possible even if they don't genuinely believe the bile they're writing. Though for me I've had some really lovely people give me advice and haven't been attacked (yet).

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/07/2023 10:29

There are some genuinely lovely people on here, but also some really nasty keyboard warriors who twist everything and heaven forbid someone has a different point of view to them. I step away from those threads as I find it quite upsetting.

You are however unreasonable for saying "this is a site for mums to support mums". Maybe it was many moons ago but all sorts of people come here for different reasons now which are equally valid.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/07/2023 10:34

It's often the very first post made that's unkind as if they don't want the question asked. Maybe they're in the same position and don't feel able to leave or they have an axe to grind_ MRA's maybe. All the more reason to keep posting, don't let the idiots stop you asking for help I say

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 10:34

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/07/2023 10:29

There are some genuinely lovely people on here, but also some really nasty keyboard warriors who twist everything and heaven forbid someone has a different point of view to them. I step away from those threads as I find it quite upsetting.

You are however unreasonable for saying "this is a site for mums to support mums". Maybe it was many moons ago but all sorts of people come here for different reasons now which are equally valid.

I apologise but I also don't think that comment from myself was 'unreasonable' I didn't intend for it to seem like I'm invalidating others. I would support anyone who comes on this site, I genuinely just thought it was for mums. A mum can be defined in many ways and I support all

OP posts:
NotTerfNorCis · 30/07/2023 10:39

I always remember a pandemic-era thread where someone's daughter's car had been stolen. The amount of people on the thread trolling... including one who said 'the thief might have needed the car more than her'... it was vile.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 10:39

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 10:19

I disagree the majority come here in a vulnerable state, but you're right, MN can be a very harsh place.

Having said that, there are still plenty of topics that don't seem to attract the rude and angry.

Apologies my phrasing wasn't the best in this post. I was just frustrated at seeing another poor person telling a vulnerable story and people turning against the OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 10:40

NotTerfNorCis · 30/07/2023 10:39

I always remember a pandemic-era thread where someone's daughter's car had been stolen. The amount of people on the thread trolling... including one who said 'the thief might have needed the car more than her'... it was vile.

Oh my gosh that's awful!!

OP posts: