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Original poster

Partner and drugs...

71 replies

Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 08:31

So when I my partner he was openly a recreational drugs user. Weed, cocaine, ket etc.

I've never touched the stuff and said I wouldn't date someone who would, so he committed to trying to stop/reduce which he dad massively. I asked that he never do it around me.

Unfortunately, he did. On nights out when we were with his friends where it is considered normal. This caused issues between us which over time concluded that I would try and be more accepting so as not to be 'controlling'. This doesn't change that I hate it and it still makes me uncomfortable.

Last night we were at a party and it was late. I was cuddling him on the sofa and having a lovely time when he told me to head to bed and that he would come soon. I said I wanted to stay with him and was really happy cuddling on the sofa. He then said he wanted to smoke a joint. I went to bed a was upset as I felt like he was choosing the joint over time with me.
He came up and when I expressed that to him he got angry and said that he wouldn't smoke it. He called me names like 'mental' and was really angry. He said he would go down to say night and then come to bed.
I waited for about ten minutes then went down and he was lay on the sofa with the others who were going to smoke a joint.

This then escalated into an argument.

This morning, I'm getting 'you ruined the whole evening' and 'your a crackpot' from him. He is livid with me.

I've tried to explain that we need to consider each other's perspective and for my part I felt like a child being told to go to bed so he could get stoned with his pals. Bear in mind I've come to this party to be with him - it's not my pals.

I've left and got a train home and have no idea if he's right and I'm a 'crackpot' or if this is the manipulation of man who will always choose drugs before me.

Please give me some guidance people...

OP posts:
Original poster
Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 08:32

Jeez sorry for all the typos. My phone changes so many words!

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 30/07/2023 08:33

You are not well matched. Be careful he doesn't pull you down with him. Ideally, get rid of him.

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 08:35

It’s manipulation of a man who will put drugs before everything else.
Why are you wasting your life on a druggie ? And please don’t get pregnant by him.

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 08:36

He could have smoked with you there

Newusernameaug · 30/07/2023 08:36

I smoke weed - but he’s being a total arse!
If I’ve agreed not to do something around someone then I won’t, as you said, you don’t want to be put to bed.

He will choose the drugs over you, and has broken the boundaries you agreed upon, so now it’s up to you to decide what you want to do?

Personally I wouldn’t put up with it, but not would I put up with anyone who ever took any hard drugs recreationally such as coke, ket etc - nor a heavy or regular drinker.

Poppyblush · 30/07/2023 08:36

Leave him. It’s really as simple as that.

MinnieGirl · 30/07/2023 08:37

You said in your OP that you wouldn’t date someone who touched drugs…but you are!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them…
He uses drugs. He doesn’t want to stop.
Either accept he is a drug user or end the relationship, because his drugs will always come before you.

Mama678 · 30/07/2023 08:37

Time to move on. He clearly prioritises drugs over you. Your not mental/controlling/crackpot. Thats him being manipulative. End the relationship or this will be it forever. He will always put drugs before you.

ConnieTucker · 30/07/2023 08:38

I asked that he never do it around me. Unfortunately, he did.
he is a drug addict with druggy friends He wont stop using. Leave him. There is no future for you here.

he got angry and said that he wouldn't smoke it. He called me names like 'mental' and was really angry
even without the drugs, this is reason to leave. He ordered you to bed so he could do drugs, but then he called you names?!

fuck him. He is awful. Bin him today send a text saying actually, last night confirmed for ypu that unfortunately he is an addict and also not a pleasant person at all, so you are calling the relationship a day and moving on.

then block him.

Snowpaw · 30/07/2023 08:42

"When I my partner he was openly a recreational drugs user. Weed, cocaine, ket etc. I've never touched the stuff and said I wouldn't date someone who would"

Stick to your guns then. He has shown to you that he is a continued drug user. Why do his needs and morals matter more than your own?

GreenWheat · 30/07/2023 08:43

This is why drug users end up with other drug users. It's a devisive issue that doesn't get better with time.

MasterOfOne · 30/07/2023 08:48

Have to agree with other posters, leave him it's not going to work.

You said you had a boundary about drugs... so stick to it. It's really hard for you to argue you don't accept him doing drugs if you continue to stay with him whilst he still does drugs.

He is not going to change, and you can't make him change for you.

Good luck

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 30/07/2023 08:52

You desperately need to address your boundaries.

You won't date anybody who does drugs- you ARE dating a druggie ?! Not only that but you have crossed your own line and are now trying to police HIS choices even though he told you very loudly and very clearly who he was when you entered into this relationship! The problem here is you crossing your own line in the first place, and now asking him to change and he's being a Dick saying you are mental. And you know what, you kind of ARE. He TOLD YOU he's a druggie and you shagged him anyway and wanted more even though drugs will always come first to him.

Work on your self esteem.

YukoandHiro · 30/07/2023 08:55

I could have written this word for word about an ex of mine. Luckily I was only in my early twenties when we were together.
You are well within your rights to set your boundaries. If he's calling you a crackpot he simply doesn't respect them.
My relationship ended after I found out he'd done coke in the bathroom of my own flat while I was asleep.
Please end things now. It won't get better.

ZekeZeke · 30/07/2023 08:57

It's not going to work OP.
Your fundamental beliefs are different.
He isn't going to change.
He might say he will but he won't.

caringcarer · 30/07/2023 09:12

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 08:35

It’s manipulation of a man who will put drugs before everything else.
Why are you wasting your life on a druggie ? And please don’t get pregnant by him.

Just walk away while it's easier to. If you pregnant by this loser you'd have a to him for 18 years and he'd likely be smoking weed around a baby. Run

RampantIvy · 30/07/2023 09:14

Dump and block him.

rrrrrreatt · 30/07/2023 09:22

I can’t see how your relationship will work in the long run so I’d get out now if I was you.

He will always choose drugs over you. When people make a change like giving up recreational drugs they need to want to do it themselves but he’s just trying to make you happy and that won’t be enough motivation for it to stick in the long run.

The drugs aren’t the main problem here either, it’s the way he speaks to you and that will continue even without drugs. Dismissing you as a crackpot or mental instead of listening and being really angry isn’t a healthy way to deal with a problem in relationship. You also make a comment about trying to be less controlling but it doesn’t sound like you’re being controlling to me, you’re saying I set my boundaries out and you’re ignoring them.

As a whole trying to significantly change a man is a fool’s errand, it only breeds resentment. If who they are is fundamentally not to your taste - move on.

Original poster
Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 09:29

It's sad..I said this to him this morning, how drugs can get in the way of love. In every other way the relationship is really wonderful, healthy. He's a lovely man.

Then when we have moments like this - it's honestly like he's a completely different person who I don't even recognize.

I really hate drugs. It's like I suddenly don't even know who he is.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 30/07/2023 09:33

I agree with PP who say you should stick to your boundaries. Also, I’m afraid it sounds as though he wants a relationship with drugs more than he wants a relationship with you - why should you stay with him as second fiddle?

TheNineNine · 30/07/2023 09:34

If he had been staying up to play scrabble with his friends how would you feel?

ZekeZeke · 30/07/2023 09:35

OP was this get together with his friends in your home?

anniegun · 30/07/2023 09:36

Dump the junkie

ZekeZeke · 30/07/2023 09:37

ZekeZeke · 30/07/2023 09:35

OP was this get together with his friends in your home?

Sorry, ignore. I see it was at a party.

Tiredmummaoftwo · 30/07/2023 09:37

Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 09:29

It's sad..I said this to him this morning, how drugs can get in the way of love. In every other way the relationship is really wonderful, healthy. He's a lovely man.

Then when we have moments like this - it's honestly like he's a completely different person who I don't even recognize.

I really hate drugs. It's like I suddenly don't even know who he is.

If you really hate drugs that much you've set yourself up for a fall being with someone who clearly likes drugs. He won't be able to see what's "so bad" about them so he won't stop taking them.

Whereas you'll always dislike it and will continue to resent him for it. The resentment will turn to disgust. I'm speaking from experience here, it gets very very boring.

Give him an ultimatum or leave. Chances are if he hangs around with people that do drugs he's not going to stop though.

You need to remember that some people really don't find drugs to be an issue and those people belong together.