Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Partner and drugs...

71 replies

Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 08:31

So when I my partner he was openly a recreational drugs user. Weed, cocaine, ket etc.

I've never touched the stuff and said I wouldn't date someone who would, so he committed to trying to stop/reduce which he dad massively. I asked that he never do it around me.

Unfortunately, he did. On nights out when we were with his friends where it is considered normal. This caused issues between us which over time concluded that I would try and be more accepting so as not to be 'controlling'. This doesn't change that I hate it and it still makes me uncomfortable.

Last night we were at a party and it was late. I was cuddling him on the sofa and having a lovely time when he told me to head to bed and that he would come soon. I said I wanted to stay with him and was really happy cuddling on the sofa. He then said he wanted to smoke a joint. I went to bed a was upset as I felt like he was choosing the joint over time with me.
He came up and when I expressed that to him he got angry and said that he wouldn't smoke it. He called me names like 'mental' and was really angry. He said he would go down to say night and then come to bed.
I waited for about ten minutes then went down and he was lay on the sofa with the others who were going to smoke a joint.

This then escalated into an argument.

This morning, I'm getting 'you ruined the whole evening' and 'your a crackpot' from him. He is livid with me.

I've tried to explain that we need to consider each other's perspective and for my part I felt like a child being told to go to bed so he could get stoned with his pals. Bear in mind I've come to this party to be with him - it's not my pals.

I've left and got a train home and have no idea if he's right and I'm a 'crackpot' or if this is the manipulation of man who will always choose drugs before me.

Please give me some guidance people...

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 30/07/2023 10:35

Can you guys help with what I should say?

@greyhairnomore has the perfect response.
Then block him.

zingally · 30/07/2023 10:38

Any drug use would have been an immediate deal-breaker for me.

To break it down to bare facts, last night he put his drug habit above you.

You're unsuited. Get rid before you get properly tied down to him.

Againstthegrain · 30/07/2023 10:38

Plenty of people use recreational drugs and are not losers or deadbeats. Yes some are but for others it’s no different to having a glass of wine.

You won’t find a balanced view on mumsnet.

if anything I think there’s an element of you being controlling by getting upset at him doing something with all his mates that you know he likes to do and for lots of people ia normal part or their social life (sorry!)

At the end of the day you don’t sound compatible, either you need to accept his recreational drug use or move on.

zingally · 30/07/2023 10:43

As for what to say:

"Based on last night and this morning, I don't think we should see each other any more. Please don't contact me."

Then block him on EVERYTHING.

Tiredmummaoftwo · 30/07/2023 10:44

@Champagneponies just say you're heading in two different directions. It's something you've realised you can't compromise on and you don't expect him to change. But something he enjoys shouldn't be at the cost of your own happiness.

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 10:46

'I don't want to see you again. Goodbye.' BLOCK.

Don't get into a conversation as it's pointless and a waste of time.

WandaWonder · 30/07/2023 10:52

I would not be with someone who does this so wouldn't have continued to go out with them, if they want to fry what little brain cells they have leave them to it

towriteyoumustlive · 30/07/2023 11:01

Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 10:22

I've realized I can't expect him to change which is why I'd tried to be more accepting.
I feel like its compromising on who I am though.

Also I've had a boyfriend before who smoked a lot of weed and stopped completely when we dated. I never once saw him do it.

Current partner has done it a lot around me now. I think if I was his priority and he really cared he wouldn't would he?

I need to end it. Expect he will message me later when he wakes up to talk or through. Can you guys help with what I should say?

Just tell him the truth. You're not interested in a relationship with someone who prioritises drugs over people.

Gunpowder · 30/07/2023 11:06

Save yourself a lifetime of heartache. There will be other people out there that have the same good points but but don’t do this. You don’t need to compromise. At the moment it’s easy for you to walk away. That’s much harder if you own a property together or have children. He will say he will change but it’s unlikely. Please put yourself first.

jeaux90 · 30/07/2023 11:15

Good for you OP, just tell him you aren't compatible, wish him well and then block everywhere.

You won't regret it, once you are over it you'll breath a big sigh of relief.

Original poster

Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 12:50

TheNineNine · 30/07/2023 09:34

If he had been staying up to play scrabble with his friends how would you feel?

@TheNineNine I would have stayed up with him...

OP posts:

Greenfree · 30/07/2023 12:55

You don't sound very compatible and I can kind of see this from both sides. I see how you would be upset him choosing drugs over you but on the other hand your not his mother and can't really tell him not to have a joint at a party. He didn't want to do it in front of you but he also wanted to smoke a joint it with his friends. Would you have been ok with his friends doing it around it?

Original poster

Champagneponies · 30/07/2023 13:24

@Greenfree my problem isn't necessarily him wanting a joint. I've said I am trying to be more accepting and don't want to be controlling. It's how I was essentially ordered to bed.

It's hard to explain. His thought process was...

Anne doesn't feel good when I do drugs < I want a splif with my friends more than I want her here < she can go to bed and I can smoke the joint.

So he choose doing the splif over my company.

I would have probably been more comfortable if he were more inclusive towards me.. like...

I'm having a nice time at this party with Anne and my friends < it would be nice to have a joint < I better have a conversation with Anne to check she is comfortable.

And then I would have felt prioritized and felt my feeling prioritized and would have probably been fine with him having a joint. As I would have felt like he's validated my feelings.

My name isn't Anne btw

OP posts:

Softoprider · 30/07/2023 13:30

You are incompatible with this person and nothing will ever change so move on is my advice. Besides, weed smokers smell of weed and there is nothing worse.

Greenfree · 30/07/2023 13:35

Agree him having a conversation with you would have been a better option but would he interpret that as 'i need to ask permission to have a joint'. I don't know what the right answer to this is, but I wouldn't want to be in a position where I have to ask my partner if I can do something with my friends. If I'm at a place where I feel uncomfortable because there are drugs etc I would just make a polite excuse and leave, I wouldn't expect them to change what they are doing as I don't agree with it. I know a few people who smoke weed and it's kind of a lifestyle for them, most of there partners either accept it or they end the relationship.

RampantIvy · 30/07/2023 13:39

Stop trying convince yourself that he will change for you. He won't.
Raise your bar and dump him.

Snowpaw · 30/07/2023 13:43

He can't be inclusive to someone who fundamentally disagrees with his lifestyle choices.

Your boundaries are blurred. You would never be with someone who used drugs but also you would have been fine with him having a joint had he asked you.

You need to decide on what it is you want before you speak to him and be firm in your convictions either way.

CattyCattle · 30/07/2023 13:47

Sorry I also think you sound controlling OP. Codependent. Read up on some codependency stuff especially as you had a bf before that you made stop using.

You aren't compatible. You can't get with someone and tell them to change what they like doing and then get upset because they revert back to what they like. It doesn't matter if it's any kind of substance, sport, friendship group, it's not on you to force change on anyone else.

Dirkyone23 · 30/07/2023 17:45

This is exactly what drugs do to people. People change because of them. Please listen to all the pp's, he is not for you, you are not for him. There is no grey area here. What worked for me is; thinking about sharing this story with your parents or best friend. The name calling, the getting angry because of not getting drugs. Would you be embarrased? Or would you not care what they think? That's your answer.

ConnieTucker · 30/07/2023 17:49

Againstthegrain · 30/07/2023 10:38

Plenty of people use recreational drugs and are not losers or deadbeats. Yes some are but for others it’s no different to having a glass of wine.

You won’t find a balanced view on mumsnet.

At the end of the day you don’t sound compatible, either you need to accept his recreational drug use or move on.

are you on glue? He told her to go to bed. How is that her being controlling and not him!

Againstthegrain · 30/07/2023 19:32

Hmm, I’m not saying he’s blameless or behaved well but no good is ever going to come of trying to impose your wants on someone, it’s a recipe for resentment.

OP said that she’d agreed to be more accepting of her DBs choices. They went to a party where this agreement was tested and it all went tits up.

It would be unfair on OP to expect her to stay in a room where she would be passive smoking weed but it’s unfair to the rest of the party goers to hold off because of her. If it was me and I didn’t want to be exposed I would take myself off to bed. Being told to go to bed is off but so is giving someone a hard time for doing something they want to do and is part of their norm when with friends.

It’s a compatibility issue.

Flip

1 2 3