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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude and an apology should be given?

55 replies

ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:49

If you tell someone you’re going to a group lunch and then don’t turn up. Surely a “sorry”
is expected?

OP posts:
NightShiftDrama · 29/07/2023 23:50

Sorry to whom? Entire group?

Original poster
ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:54

To me, I organised a group lunch. Someone didn’t bother to turn up (when they said they would) and didn’t even apologise.

OP posts:
MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 29/07/2023 23:55

Have you checked why they didn't turn up? My first thought would be if anything had happened to them.

supermamio · 29/07/2023 23:55

Have they said why they didnt attend? If it was a family emergency then lunch probably slipped their mind, if they couldnt be bothered a text would have been nice.

Original poster
ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:58

No emergency, or sudden illness or childcare etc. they just were busy “running errands”

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 30/07/2023 00:00

Did them not attending put you out in any way? Catered at your house, absolutely apology owed, casual plan to meet at wagamama I wouldn't expect an apology it has no impact

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 00:02

Is there any particular reason they need to apologise for not coming?

Hawkins0001 · 30/07/2023 00:03

An apology should be the first thing they did or said.

Original poster
ShellssAndSand · 30/07/2023 00:03

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 00:02

Is there any particular reason they need to apologise for not coming?

I think if you say yes I’m coming when someone arranged something and then you just don’t show up then yes I think it’s polite to say “sorry for not showing up”

OP posts:
MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 30/07/2023 00:05

ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:58

No emergency, or sudden illness or childcare etc. they just were busy “running errands”

Then yes. Either "so sorry, I can't make it" before the event. Or "sorry i didn't come or let you know beforehand" after.

Restinggoddess · 30/07/2023 00:05

Agree with you - an apology is in order
Hope you get it

gggbbbnnn · 30/07/2023 00:05

There could be something up they don't want to share yet/ever. I'm sure they done it with good reason

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 00:06

I think if you say yes I’m coming when someone arranged something and then you just don’t show up then yes I think it’s polite to say “sorry for not showing up”

I was asking for context really

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2023 00:07

Depends on the reason, I suppose.

Explaining they couldn’t make it in advance would be the polite thing to do, but there are some excuses: emergency; misunderstanding; didn’t want to come but too shy/intimidated to say no to your face etc.

I’m not a big fan of meaningless apologies - people saying sorry when they’re not because someone else is more concerned about hearing some words they’ve decided are necessary and apparently wipe away all underlying problems, rather than understanding what’s really going on.

WunWun · 30/07/2023 00:08

So they just said "I didn't come because I was running errands"? Without the word sorry in there at all?

Or how do you know they were running errands?

Original poster
ShellssAndSand · 30/07/2023 00:09

WunWun · 30/07/2023 00:08

So they just said "I didn't come because I was running errands"? Without the word sorry in there at all?

Or how do you know they were running errands?

Yes exactly that, I asked them if they were coming and I got a “I forgot and I’m running errands”

OP posts:
NightShiftDrama · 30/07/2023 00:10

Was this today?

weneedhelpandlove · 30/07/2023 00:12

ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:49

If you tell someone you’re going to a group lunch and then don’t turn up. Surely a “sorry”
is expected?

It really depends on their reasoning to not showing up. Do you know why? Did you check in on your friend to make sure they are okay or even that they may have forgotten?

I understand your frustration and clearly this friend means a lot to you otherwise you wouldn't be so upset but perhaps there is a genuine understandable reason. Now if it was a one on one meet up then that's different but perhaps your friend either forgot or is going through a troubling time and maybe didn't feel like their presence would be missed with a group of you there. You'll never know if you don't ask.

Good luck!

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2023 00:26

Well I'd do the British thing of apologising when when I don't need to.

Omg I'm so sorry I missed lunch, first the roof fell in, then the apocalypse began and I had to dodge 100 zombies and Rishi Sunal asked me to run the country for an hour whilst he took some anti zombie meds, but I am so sorry I left you down.

I think most people's default would be "are you coming?"
"Sorry, I forgot and I'm doing errands now"

Not just a no, I forgot, I'm busy.

HarrietJet · 30/07/2023 00:27

ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:58

No emergency, or sudden illness or childcare etc. they just were busy “running errands”

Yes, that's rude.

Redglitter · 30/07/2023 00:33

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 00:02

Is there any particular reason they need to apologise for not coming?

Basic manners

If you say you're going to something & don't show up an apology is the least you can do

mondaytosunday · 30/07/2023 00:37

Even a 'sorry I'm running errands' isn't good enough. You say yes to a meet up, you go, unless you broke your leg or some other emergency. You don't just shrug it off.
I arranged a lunch and everyone confirmed, twice (I don't trust people so I get them to con fans reconfirm, plus send a reminder with the time just in case) so booked for ten. Three people made (fairly pathetic) excuses that morning so rang the restaurant to say sorry just seven now. This still requires they reserve their biggest table. Guess what? Only four people showed up, one of whom was one that said she couldn't! The restaurant was furious, I was very embarrassed. Said that was the last time I was booking.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2023 00:45

They didn’t want to go.

The bigger bug-bear for me is why people (women?) can’t just say “I can’t make that” or “no, thank you” when you’re arranging it instead of pretending they’re going to come when they have no intention of doing so.

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 00:50

@Redglitter

Basic manners

If you say you're going to something & don't show up an apology is the least you can do

I worded it badly but what I actually wanted to know was the context of the arranged lunch and that would determine better it needed an apology.

HarrietJet · 30/07/2023 00:53

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 00:50

@Redglitter

Basic manners

If you say you're going to something & don't show up an apology is the least you can do

I worded it badly but what I actually wanted to know was the context of the arranged lunch and that would determine better it needed an apology.

What difference would it make, really? Manners apply to all situations, not just "important" ones.