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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude and an apology should be given?

55 replies

ShellssAndSand · 29/07/2023 23:49

If you tell someone you’re going to a group lunch and then don’t turn up. Surely a “sorry”
is expected?

OP posts:
Justaddalittlespice · 30/07/2023 01:11

I promise you there is a bigger reason then your aware of, please don't make a thing of it

throwbacko2 · 30/07/2023 01:15

@HarrietJet

I never said anything about importance

WandaWonder · 30/07/2023 01:22

A formal thing yes a relaxed group thing no I would have no issue

It is a cliche but I think you are overthinking this but yes there will be others saying this is totally and utterly unacceptable

HarrietJet · 30/07/2023 01:24

WandaWonder · 30/07/2023 01:22

A formal thing yes a relaxed group thing no I would have no issue

It is a cliche but I think you are overthinking this but yes there will be others saying this is totally and utterly unacceptable

But what if you were sitting in a restaurant waiting for your friends and nobody showed up because it was "only a relaxed thing"? Bet you'd be annoyed anyway.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 30/07/2023 01:54

Who are the 14% of people on here that think this sort of blatant rudeness is ok?! Have some basic manners!

LightSpeeds · 30/07/2023 05:11

gggbbbnnn · 30/07/2023 00:05

There could be something up they don't want to share yet/ever. I'm sure they done it with good reason

They can still apologise though.

WandaWonder · 30/07/2023 05:19

HarrietJet · 30/07/2023 01:24

But what if you were sitting in a restaurant waiting for your friends and nobody showed up because it was "only a relaxed thing"? Bet you'd be annoyed anyway.

Show quote history

I get annoyed I don't get turning it into a big drama

MRex · 30/07/2023 05:29

Before reaching the post with the actual message, I'd been trialling lots of ways in my head of responding and couldn't think of how it could be fine without a "sorry" included. Which isn't even an apology really, just the standard way to write responses. Given how standard that is, I don't see that it was a secret emergency, because then the cover-up would include a "sorry". Either they are not from the UK, or you've pissed off this person somehow OP. Any idea how?

daisychain01 · 30/07/2023 05:39

Some people were unfortunately never educated as children to make an apology or to say thank you. I'm not say this to excuse the person, but that's many many peoples reality. It's easy to lapse into thinking just because we have grown up with those social cues and etiquette as second nature, that isn't everyone's life experience. Maybe the person felt deep shame for forgetting or not having the motivation and can't come clean.

if you've organised a lunch then the best way to get a firm commitment is to ask for £10 to be paid to you as a advanced deposit so you can pay the restaurant. That weeds out the people who can't find it in themselves to say they're not interested, or those who suddenly find they can't afford a meal out, or whatever.

yes you're right, it isn't courteous, but don't die in a ditch over it if you haven't lost out and you still had 8 (or whatever) other people show up. Consequential loss = zero.

VisionsOfSplendour · 30/07/2023 06:55

Justaddalittlespice · 30/07/2023 01:11

I promise you there is a bigger reason then your aware of, please don't make a thing of it

As only the person involved could make that promise why not explain to your friend why you don't have basic manners to apologize?

Its a pretty poor show to make up a stupid excuse like you did when you could have messaged beforehand to say sorry you couldn't make it

IncompleteSenten · 30/07/2023 06:56

Yes it's rude.
Except if there's an emergency which you said was not the case it's pig ignorant.

CherryMaDeara · 30/07/2023 06:57

ShellssAndSand · 30/07/2023 00:09

Yes exactly that, I asked them if they were coming and I got a “I forgot and I’m running errands”

Show quote history

They clearly don’t value your time, so I wouldn’t be inviting them again.

Let them arrange something and then you decide if you feel like showing up.

IncompleteSenten · 30/07/2023 06:58

Justaddalittlespice · 30/07/2023 01:11

I promise you there is a bigger reason then your aware of, please don't make a thing of it

Are you the friend or are you guessing?

CurlewKate · 30/07/2023 07:03

Yes, of course it's rude! Although there will be people telling it's fine-you issued an invitation, not a summons...!

Doingmybest12 · 30/07/2023 07:04

Usually you'd expect 'sorry' to be part of the sentence explaining the no show . More than this as an apology I wouldn't expect.

WasJuliaRight · 30/07/2023 07:22

ShellssAndSand · 30/07/2023 00:09

Yes exactly that, I asked them if they were coming and I got a “I forgot and I’m running errands”

Show quote history

It’s possibly one of two reasons

  1. It’s implied, you know that she is sorry.
  2. She’s not sorry.
Why do you need her apology? What actual difference will it make? Either raise the lack of remorse with her or forget about it and move on.
Allwelcone · 30/07/2023 07:51

Yourl're hurt op and i get that you arranged a nice lunch and a friend who you trusted was very dismissive of you.
Just wondering,....
Do you think she ever wanted to come to the lunch, were you quite invested in it for your own reasons?

Bigminnie1 · 30/07/2023 08:25

It's plain rude and anyone who doesn't think it's rude not to apologise is rude themselves.

Maybe there is an underlying reason why she didn't turn up- but so what? It's still bloody rude not to say sorry.

GeekyThings · 30/07/2023 08:37

Not enough info in the OP to determine whether it's unreasonable or not. We don't know what type of meet up it was (formal or informal, evening dinner versus lunchtime coffee, that kinda if thing); we don't know what you said in the text; we don't know what this person was doing at the time they wrote the text; in fact, we don't know much of anything except that you are annoyed!

I'm finding this all a little suspect - initially you said she said she was running errands, then it turns out she said she forgot about the meet up AND was running errands, leading me to suspect that a) it was during the day, therefore an informal coffee meet up situation, and b) there's probably more to the story, and from her response, if that was an exact copy from the text, she seems a little annoyed with you too! I'm wondering about what you actually said to her in the text, and more than that, what the back story is (because there's always a back story)...

WasJuliaRight · 30/07/2023 09:02

In the UK when you hold the door for someone there’s an expectation that the person coming through the door will thank you and as brits we get a bit put out if they don’t. In other European countries they don’t say thank you because it is acknowledged generally that the person is grateful and as such no verbal thanks are necessary. I think that this is the situation here, they think that it goes without saying that they’re sorry and that one word was probably just missed from a rushed message. Why don’t you call or message to see if they’re ok, mention that they were missed at lunch and to rearrange something else.

squashi · 30/07/2023 09:06

As the organiser of the lunch I'd expect someone to let me know in advance if they couldn't make it. If they just didn't turn up and then said later that they forgot, I think an apology would be polite.

Original poster
ShellssAndSand · 30/07/2023 13:20

I don’t want to drip feed at all so I’m just going to say that I certainty won’t be going out of my way to invite this person again.

Plus I think the comment “it’s an invitation not a summons” is valid. But it would only apply in this situation if the person said no in the first place and my aibu was about them saying no. I think saying yes and no having the manners to say no when I was confirming and then using a blasè excuse is rude.

I’m really shocked that anyone on here would be fine would inviting a friend to lunch, who said yes and then just didn’t show up - because it was relaxed.

OP posts:
Thelastwaltz · 30/07/2023 13:25

@ShellssAndSand

Yes exactly that, I asked them if they were coming and I got a “I forgot and I’m running errands”

Well that's the last time you organise anything for them isn't it OP?

What they are doing is telling you that their time is more important than yours, so learn from that and don't put yourself out again for these rude self-absorbed people.🙄

BaublesinSummer · 30/07/2023 13:37

I think maybe your friend feels inferior to the rest of the group (or just doesn't click with them) and sort of resents you all meeting up and that she doesn't feel comfortable going, so she was deliberately flippant about not going.

Original poster
ShellssAndSand · 30/07/2023 14:14

BaublesinSummer · 30/07/2023 13:37

I think maybe your friend feels inferior to the rest of the group (or just doesn't click with them) and sort of resents you all meeting up and that she doesn't feel comfortable going, so she was deliberately flippant about not going.

I think that’s a bit of a reach.

The reason she said no isn’t what the aibu is about. If she did feel that way and even if she felt she couldn’t say that - that still doesn’t excuse her not letting me know she now had decided not to come.

OP posts: