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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this weird?

113 replies

tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 15:48

Approximately 2/3 years ago, my husband and I were out with our 4 children (then 11, 13 & 15). We came across one of our children's teacher with his wife and very young children. My child recognised him as we'd never met him before. We had a brief and polite exchange of conversation and that was that.
Since that brief meeting, my child has on various occasions mentioned how this teacher asks questions about our family, the way we live etc. I told my child that he was just curious and simply to minimise information given when possible.
This teacher lives down the road from us and sometimes passes our house; on one occasion, the blinds were open and he waved at me from outside and my husband was cleaning the car, so he also stopped to chat to him
This week, whilst we were at work, my 16, 15 & 14 year old were at home. This teacher knocked on our door asking if his young child could use our toilet. My child let him in and he walked in and walked into our living room/dining room (looking around) whilst asking to be directed to the bathroom. Upon leaving, he enquired as to if we were going away this summer, where and who we were staying with.
I cannot help but feel angry that he has come into our home uninvited. Add to that him entering with no adults present AND he's a teacher and should have known better. Taking into account his previous curiosity, am I overreacting by believing that his child needing the toilet was an excuse to satisfy an unnecessary curiosity? I don't want to overthink this, but it's been on my mind all week.

OP posts:
Original poster
tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 18:13

FOJN · 29/07/2023 18:05

I think it's very odd, possibly suspicious, behaviour. Your children wouldn't have let just anyone into your house so he has used his position of authority as a teacher to get them to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do. This is a complete breach of safeguarding and it's intrusive.

I think you've just hit the nail on the head...many are saying that he was invited in and because my children are 14, 15 and 16 that it is acceptable, but my child felt that he couldn't say no because he was a teacher at the school. Had it been any other stranger they knew to say no.

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 29/07/2023 18:17

I cannot help but feel angry that he has come into our home uninvited. Add to that him entering with no adults present AND he's a teacher and should have known better

He WAS invited in because one of your teenage DCs said he could come in. There were 3 other teenage DCs in the house as well as teacher's DC so it wasn't a 1-to-1 situation either.

Asking about your culture? Sounds like you have a different culture to him and he is curious, maybe over asking questions. Looking around your house was pushing boundaries though.

Maybe he's reluctant to specify his address in case you turn up at his house or pass it to other parents who might come after him?

If you had concerns before then why didn't you raise them before?

SindyisbetterthanBarbie · 29/07/2023 18:19

Fraaahnces · 29/07/2023 16:47

This sounds VERY suss. He may not even live locally. I think you need to have a very firm chat with your kids re boundaries and telling them that they must not let the little bloke answer the door - ever - no matter if he recognizes the person, and that the big kids can leave the chain on and say that you’re upstairs on a work call and they’re not allowed to let anyone in. I would also have a discussion with the principal about this AND the other parents of your child’s friends to find out if he does this with others.

must not let the little bloke answer the door
How do you know how tall her DH is? Are you watching her as well?

jeaux90 · 29/07/2023 18:30

I'm sorry but anyone saying this isn't weird is insane.

OP I would be livid and concerned too.

Gagaandgag · 29/07/2023 18:43

Im with you OP. This is definitely a weird. You need to write all your concerns down and take them to the school. (Previous teacher here)

FlamingoCroquet · 29/07/2023 18:45

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 17:21

Yeah it's weird.
I don't understand why so many people are trying to make excuses for him.

Because half the posters on here are teachers, they always defend other teachers no matter what.

Gagaandgag · 29/07/2023 18:45

Also people saying that he was invited in by your children- it is hard to understand the power teachers have over many children. They felt they had to because of who he was to them. It is not on at all. Something is going on

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 21:13

What day and time did he call round asking dow the toilet for his child?

Would he be familiar with what time you and your habana come and go from work etc?

10HailMarys · 29/07/2023 22:13

tuscany88 · 29/07/2023 18:13

I think you've just hit the nail on the head...many are saying that he was invited in and because my children are 14, 15 and 16 that it is acceptable, but my child felt that he couldn't say no because he was a teacher at the school. Had it been any other stranger they knew to say no.

Show quote history

It is definitely inappropriate for a teacher to knock on the door of one of his pupils’ houses and ask to bring his child in to use the loo. As you say, because he is their teacher, your children wouldn’t have felt able to say no, and that’s an abuse of power (albeit a low level one).

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/07/2023 22:36

That's very weird
It could be explained away until the knocking on the door for.DC to use your toilet
As a teacher, he should be well aware of boundaries but doesn't appear to care about crossing them

Daisybuttercup12345 · 29/07/2023 23:22

Hiddenvoice · 29/07/2023 17:50

I don’t know, I’m a bit on the fence. He prob alt asked about culture what not as he was being curious, do you know if he’s asked other children about their lives?
He’s been vague about where he lives to try keep some boundaries .
How old is his child? They child may not have been able to wait but your child could have said no. He didn’t really enter uninvited since your child okayed it. If it’s a young child then he probably entered too to make sure his child was okay. He then would have asked about holidays to just make chat. I’ve regularly asked students about their holiday plans, how they are getting there and where they are staying just to keep the conversation going.

If you feel uneasy then try keep your distance, don’t engage in chat other than a polite nod and then see how it is when the child is at school.

This.

Metacat · 29/07/2023 23:49

Very rarely post, but felt strongly enough to do so this time. I’m a teacher. In all the schools I’ve taught in, we’ve been warned to avoid being in a room with a child alone, and glass windows have been installed between classrooms and corridors so all interactions are public to some degree. This is to protect students and staff.

This person’s behaviour is, emphatically, unprofessional & concerning. I’d genuinely choose to knock on a stranger’s door before I’d enter the home of unaccompanied students under my care. As others have observed, there are issues of privacy, the power imbalance that made it hard for the children to refuse entry, the need to safeguard them, & to protect myself from accusations of at best an extreme lack of professionalism.

It’s up to you how you proceed now, of course, but please listen to your own instincts and the majority on here, including teachers, who find this concerning in making your decision.

Cherryana · 29/07/2023 23:57

There is no reasonable nor logical explanation for his behaviour. So the simplest explanation is probably correct and that he is a nut job and it’s beyond weird.

autienotnaughti · 30/07/2023 00:04

porridgeisbae · 29/07/2023 16:46

It's not like the kids are very young or anything that it was wrong for him to come in once he was invited without an adult being present. 16 is virtually an adult.

There's a power imbalance tho. The child should feel able to say no. The fact that it's a teacher would have mad it more difficult for dc to say no even if they wanted to. A teacher should be aware of the power imbalance and act appropriately

autienotnaughti · 30/07/2023 00:08

At best he's socially awkward and unprofessional at worst this is a deliberate and targeted

Noworkfortwoweeksyes · 30/07/2023 00:15

How strange 😬
He sounds interested in the family, but who and why?
Did you notice any attraction/interest from him towards you, op?

Lolabear38 · 30/07/2023 00:16

Going against the grain here but I don’t find it weird at all. I have young dc and it’s not unusual for them to suddenly announce that they need a wee right now, it makes sense to knock at the door of someone nearby that I would know (even vaguely) and whilst there then yes, I may well ask them about holiday plans etc to make brief conversation .

This thread to me is a typical mumsnet overreaction to an absolute non event.

Serena73 · 30/07/2023 00:16

This sounds extremely weird - it's concerning that he entered your house while only your children were at home as he has put himself in a risky situation for a teacher. Also weird that he didn't just pick up his child and hurry home. If that was me, I would only knock on the door of a real friend, and definitely not on the door of a student.

CherryBlossom321 · 30/07/2023 00:17

I’d be booking an appointment with the headteacher and lead governor of the school, and telling them everything you’ve shared here. And follow it up in writing. He’s crossing numerous professional boundaries.

Twistingskies · 30/07/2023 00:54

This is the really odd.

My DC wouldn’t have even opened the door at those ages. I’d maybe use this as a reminder not to open the door to people who aren’t friends or family.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2023 01:04

You need to contact the head teacher, and be very clear and factual about this man asking a lot of questions about your family, walking past your house and then intruding into your home (and your son didn’t feel able to say no so it was a misuse of authority). Request at the very least that they make it clear to him he must never do that again and must stop asking questions.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/07/2023 01:13

I'm a former teacher, safeguarding trained and this is screaming 🚩

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/07/2023 01:24

Pressed post by accident!

I'm a former teacher, safeguarding trained and this is screaming 🚩

Various scenarios in my head:

  1. He fancied you or your husband upon that first chance meeting. Assuming you're from Tuscany, you're maybe a very beautiful, sexy Italian. So he developed an obsession for you or your husband, hence all the intrusive questions to your child and the constant passing by of your home. Did he find out your home address from school records??
  2. He may be a paedo and has a thing for your child/ren. I hate to say this as I absolutely do not agree with people being wrongly branded as this. I'm just stating it's one of the possibilities.
  3. He's maybe ND and doesn't understand boundaries, however, as your child says he's the only one who gets questioned by him so probably not.
  4. He's a very nosey individual.
  5. He's an obsessive stalker.

I would bet money that his child didn't need the toilet, firstly, you mentioned there were other places that his child could have used the toilet. Secondly, he crossed professional boundaries by knocking on your home to use the loo. Thirdly, he made no attempt to rush his child to your toilet, instead he was nosing around your home.

I grew up in a rural place and all pupils knew where all their teachers houses where and vice-versa, but there was no creepy weird, intrusive behaviour.

No matter what scenario it is, it's very concerning behaviour, and I would seriously consider having a face-to-face meeting with the Headteacher about this intrusive and unprofessional, boundary overstepping behaviour. There's just something not quite right about it.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 30/07/2023 01:30

SindyisbetterthanBarbie · 29/07/2023 18:19

must not let the little bloke answer the door
How do you know how tall her DH is? Are you watching her as well?

Show quote history

I suspect you're joking about her DH (I'm terrible at picking up on jokes online), but just in case you really have misunderstood, the poster was referring to OP's son, not her husband.

OP, I don't know if I'd be reporting this to the school just yet but I think it might be worth noting down previous times that the teacher has taken an unusual amount of interest in your family. Including the dates it has happened, if you or your son can remember them. Also note down the road he claims he lives nearby, because if you end up having to go to the school with this information, they can, among other things, check if he does actually live near you or not.

Catsmere · 30/07/2023 01:36

Goes straight through weird and into creepy afaic. He passed cafes and public toilets and then stops at your house because his child purportedly needs the toilet? This on top of the questions, looking in your windows, etc, etc? I'd be inclined to have a word with the school.