School Holidays and Tweens. Is it me who needs to change my expectations?

[BoredBoredandBored]

I always have the summer holidays off with my DC. In years past, summer has been filled with days out to soft plays, farms, bounce parks, picnics at NT places and so on.

DTs are now 12. Both are autistic and not very sociable. One DT hates going out and it is a terrible battle to get him out (this has always been the case but it was easier when he was younger to deal with). He has severe anxiety. Other DT dislikes going out but can sometimes be persuaded if lots of boxes are ticked.

We are only at the end of week 1 and I feel like we have peaked out already. We have had a busy week with day trips out but also combined with relaxed days at home. I’ve asked DTs to write a list of things they would like to do next week and they both are insistent they want to stay home. They can not think of a single thing between them.

Neither DT will play out (one can’t be left unsupervised for safety reasons). They can’t be left alone for safety reasons so I’m also stuck at home with them. Meeting friends does not appeal to them in the same way as others, they just want to be left alone.

They will socialise over gaming but looking at the glorious sunshine out of the window today, I’m feeling rather deflated. They will not go for walks (this is a real trigger for DT2, he hates the “pointlessness” of it.) At times when I do manage to get them in the car, the atmosphere is dire because of the stress of getting them ready to leave in the first place.

Do I need to adjust my expectations now they are older? I’m torn between the guilt of not having a fun filled summer and the idea of bugger it, I’m so drained anyway, let them do what they want.

WIBU to just leave them to it?

Why fight it? I don't see why you can't let them do what they want to do

It seems fairly for tweens/teens in general TBH.

How about a trip out once a week, and then a half day, or a couple of activities if you can find something to suit them. Then let them do what they want.

Re pointless walks - have you tried geocaching? The technology side of that sometimes attracts kids.

*fairly normal

@WandaWonder I don’t feel it’s beneficial for them to not leave the house for days on end, but maybe I am wrong in thinking this?

I can see why you would feel down about it but I think it would be unfair to force it.

I would encourage them to help you make meals and the odd bit of housework if possible just to break the screen time up a bit.

Meanwhile, is there anything you have been wanting to do for you that can be done indoors? I would start with a bubble bath and a book and enjoy the downtime

What are they doing inside for the 8+ hours? Games console / watching TV?

Fresh air, exercise and change of scenery are crucial for physical and mental health. They can't stay in the house constantly, but equally I don't think they need to be forced on days out. Can you argue the health angle with them? Can you explain to the one who doesn't like pointless walks that the point is exercise and improved mental health? Will they swim? Or go to a sports club?

If you can afford it I'd look for a babysitter type person to come and sit with them so you don't have to spend all summer indoors. It's important that you look after your physical and mental health too!

It mightn't be what I want either but people are not all the same even children or teenagers

I hear you OP, the 6 weeks holiday is easily the most difficult part of the year with my autistic DS. How much support do you have?

I've got an autistic 12yo and a 10yo. We try to get out for a window most days, for my sanity, and because biologically, his body still needs to move, but there is a lot of chill-out down time too. Not many long, big days out.
An easy morning, and heading out in the afternoon works best. Fewer younger families out. He's happier after a leisurely morning and lunch.

Fortunately I can also leave him while I do errands like food shopping which makes life better for us both. I couldn't leave him all day because he wouldn't feed himself sensibly.

Would 'geocaching' be less pointless than 'going for a walk'?

I’ve got an autistic tween. He spends large amounts of the school holidays in his room with the curtains shut, on screens or doing things related to his special interests, rearranging his collections etc. He will leave the house if he can see there’s a point to it or sometimes to see his friends, but he’d see going for a walk for the sake of going for a walk as akin to torture.

He goes to school without argument and is doing well, he sleeps reasonable hours, he maintains a reasonable level of hygiene, eats meals at the table with the rest of us and he socialises with friends a lot during term time. If in order to do those things he needs (and I do think it is a need) to spend large amounts of downtime in the holidays with minimal sensory stimulation, in the semi dark, by himself, doing what makes him happy then that’s fine with me. His idea of a “fun filled summer” differs, and that’s ok.

I think the issue is that clearly it’s not suiting you or your needs to stay in all day every day. Can you have visitors? Are there other people who could stay with DC while you go out?

As long as they have stuff to do at home that they enjoy (Lego, books, crafts etc) then I would leave them be.
For going outside for a walk - come up with a reason - like walking to the supermarket because you need to buy food. Walk to the library to get new books.

Mine has no additional issues and doesn't leave the house for days in the holidays, he sees it as his time to chill.

Sounds like you want to do something where as they sound happy in their own company, its a positive thing.

I think this is possibly to do with the way/time you’re asking?

As you say, they’ve just had a busy week. And making a list feels like a task. So right now of course they will say “stay home”.

Give them a couple of days of being home. Then ask what they feel like doing tomorrow. Give a few ideas. By then hopefully they’ll be bored enough/refreshed enough to feel like going out.

@HakunaMatiłda They do have screen time but not all day. They have to put all screens away and take a break throughout the day. During this time they will play with construction toys or they still like play doh.

@BoredBoredandBored they sound fine to me 🙂
If they like play doh would they like the Fimo Clay or similar?
My autistic daughter loves a trip to Hobbycraft or The Range to stock up on crafty bits - that always gets her out the house 😂

Listen to what they need. They need downtime.

ds is 13 and autistic. We plan for one day out a week and then possibly a few little walks or something. He needs the holidays to let him find his balance again.

Look online for teen activities near you. They’re not ‘kids’ any more so soft play and farms aren’t going to be of interest.

As pp have said geocaching can make a walk more interesting. Also what about going out to play/catch Pokemon with the Pokémon go app on their phone? Or ingress which is the precursor to Pokemon.

if you can persuade them to try the above then finding places to go where they can do that and you can enjoy a park, nature reserve or NT garden may combine.

Will they eat out anywhere? Pizza and cinema might be more interesting than NT and picnic.

is there anything they do like? My ds liked to go to the rspb place nearby but mostly to walk the routes for Pokemon gyms. He still likes nature so will be persuaded to go to a reserve or zoo type place.

what about climbing wall/ high ropes/zip wire/go ape type places? Any swimming pools or lakes near you with fun slides or obstacle course type activities?

if they like puzzles then escape rooms can be fun as long as they can cope with not escaping in the time.

perhaps settle for one or two days out a week. Give them half a dozen options to choose from and they can each select from the options what they prefer and everyone does it together.

That counts as a sanity-saving outing in my book!

When we go on holiday, we aim to alternate a "big" day and quieter local days. Similar for pacing at home too.

I've also learned that he needs a quiet transition buffer at the end/ start of term or holisays and doesn't cope with being enthusiastically ploughed into having fun!

This, just let them be. Not trying to be harsh but you know the struggles they have, there are reasons they don't like days out and it isn't just "can't be bothered"

I never saw the point of walking. I did it to make DH happy but it was always best combined with a challenge, so gorge scrambling or going somewhere I actually wanted to go.

I actually quite miss it now I don't go but I see their point plus ND, so pointless stuff is hard to be motivated to do.

It's not unusual for all teens/tweens to be like this as they get older. We are on holiday at the moment with my youngest off 4 and it's been a nightmare trying to get her out of the hotel room. The only time she wants to leave the hotel room is is if the wifi is down, we are going to go shopping, or we are eating. It's 34c and even trying to tempt her to the side of the pool is like trying to persuade a vampire to step into the burning light of day. We have come to after that this is the last holiday we will be taking her on.

At home she will go out with her friends on the bus occasionally. But most of the time she's happy in her room having a friend stay over.

It sounds like they’ve been telling you loud and clear that days out aren’t for them - and I don’t see why you would persist?
Yes, there is a minimum fresh air and exercise requirement but I would have hated constant days out at that age and was perfectly happy pottering at home.

DS is 13. No additional needs. He only leaves his darkened room for food, to use the bathroom and to drag himself to the sofa to watch TV as a change of scene. I get scowled at and multiple sighs if I suggest leaving the house for any reason. He's happy so I've left him to it this week while I've been ill. Next week he will be forced to leave the house for his own good!