School Holidays and Tweens. Is it me who needs to change my expectations?

[BoredBoredandBored]

I always have the summer holidays off with my DC. In years past, summer has been filled with days out to soft plays, farms, bounce parks, picnics at NT places and so on.

DTs are now 12. Both are autistic and not very sociable. One DT hates going out and it is a terrible battle to get him out (this has always been the case but it was easier when he was younger to deal with). He has severe anxiety. Other DT dislikes going out but can sometimes be persuaded if lots of boxes are ticked.

We are only at the end of week 1 and I feel like we have peaked out already. We have had a busy week with day trips out but also combined with relaxed days at home. I’ve asked DTs to write a list of things they would like to do next week and they both are insistent they want to stay home. They can not think of a single thing between them.

Neither DT will play out (one can’t be left unsupervised for safety reasons). They can’t be left alone for safety reasons so I’m also stuck at home with them. Meeting friends does not appeal to them in the same way as others, they just want to be left alone.

They will socialise over gaming but looking at the glorious sunshine out of the window today, I’m feeling rather deflated. They will not go for walks (this is a real trigger for DT2, he hates the “pointlessness” of it.) At times when I do manage to get them in the car, the atmosphere is dire because of the stress of getting them ready to leave in the first place.

Do I need to adjust my expectations now they are older? I’m torn between the guilt of not having a fun filled summer and the idea of bugger it, I’m so drained anyway, let them do what they want.

WIBU to just leave them to it?

Maybe try making stay home unappealing? They have to clean up, help cook, do reading or other stuff they done really like?

Agree with the poster who mentioned geocaching. Absolutely perfect for this age, bit of competitive fun in who can find the caches, might find a travel bug and you can track its progress online... We're massive fans.

Do you have a garden? If so, any way they could be tempted out there for a bit, a couple of times a day? Have picnic meals out there?

I think you need to change your expectations, yes. Give them some time to rest and use it to find some activities that they may enjoy. Do they have any particular interests? As they’re both 12 can you go out without them so you’re meeting your needs too?

My DD is similar but she can cope with walks (hates it beforehand and at the beginning but always feels so much better for it afterwards).

We have an agreement that she can stay in all day if she goes for a long walk every other day and then I’ll add in some other things like visiting family or going to the beach etc.

It makes it so much more challenging if yours hates walks.
What about bike rides or do you have a beach near you you can go swimming?

I would find something active to do as fresh air, sunlight and exercise is so important for their MH but I wouldn’t overdo it and lower your expectations.

I would also remember that it’s very important to socialise and if that means gaming then I’d absolutely let them do it as long as they get exercise and fresh air too.

Were also planning on painting and decorating my DDs room which will take a couple of days and she has a Lego set to build which we’re going to do outside in the garden (if it stops raining) just to change things up a bit.
We’re also going to look round carboots.

I was going to say exactly this. Fresh air is fresh air, whether it's at the park or in your own garden. Could you ask them to help with a bit of gardening for nominal payment? Or see if they fancy camping? When my were around that age we bought a tent (just a two man festival type one) and they loved it - spent loads of time dragging cushions & throws out there and making it into a den. It actually got them to switch off the screens anyway :)

Please don’t do this.

home should be their sanctuary. The place they can be themselves and feel comfortable even when the rest of the world seems scary

Is your garden big enough for a trampoline?

@Sirzy I agree, can't believe that poster.. so the world is hard for them to cope with, let's make home unwelcoming..

It’s your summer too so I’d come up with a compromise. Agree how many outside the home activities you’ll do each week and everyone gets to choose what they are. When you’re at home, agree how much free time they have and some activities you can do together - cooking, card games, DIY project etc.

But it’s VERY normal for tweens / teens to be happy doing nothing for weeks on end!

In fairness, I’d not go outside when it gets above 28/82 - that’s my peak heat.

and i burn in sun just like vampire - have had skin cancer to prove it 😢

but yes, there comes a point with teenagers, once they can be left on own, it’s not worth the bother of taking them on hols. Unless theres any possible risk they’ll have a “house party” in your absence- in which case they still have to come as paying for them to be stuck in a hotel room all day is better than getting back to a trashed house, and paying for repairs.

What about a dog?

Borrow my doggie?

Local rescue places if don't want to own?

Or research therapy dogs..

Walking isn't pointless with a dog. Teaches all sorts. They are older, so good age for one

I’ve been curious about geocaching myself so I will look in to it. We do have a garden but they are both so rigid in their thoughts that the outside is the outside. When I say they refuse to go out, I mean it completely literally. It is often soul destroying.

I do try to create a balance between expectations of exercise and fresh air with allowing them to relax but they never want to do anything at all.

What is the obsession with being outside though? I am happy getting my fresh air from an open window or my balcony door.
I have plenty to do inside that keeps me occupied.
Why does everyone obsess with children being outside all the time?

Ah darn 😕

At least open wide the windows of whichever room they're hunkered down in..?

@BoredBoredandBored you can do exercise indoors. Nintendo Wii/Switch Sports games, general keep fit exercises, dance mats (or just dancing).

@BoredBoredandBored and you make sure you find something you enjoy doing that can be done at home.
Get on with your “thing” whatever that is.

If they want to stay home this is a good opportunity to help them slowly develop independent living skills, using the washing machine, hoovering, making lunch or tea!

I would have spent most of the school holidays from 10-14 reading in bed all if I hadn't been made to get up and walk the dog twice a day.

Being outdoors has many mood and mental health benefits. So you're right to push them on this and to encourage them generally to develop social skills through interacting with people.

And it is completely rotten that you have to stay in.

Do you have a garden?

Can't you take turns to chose the days events? All agree they have to make the best of things even if it's not their preference

At 12 they cab start to understand that you have wants and needs as well as then

A bit of both. You're into a new phase, you need to make sure home is a place of security and emotional regulation, but that doesn't mean they get everything their own way. Maybe it was too much in week 1. Give them lots of downtime next week and maybe the week after they will be more open to something else - but pick carefully what you ask for and keep demands low. Maybe a blank sheet of paper was too hard and they would be able to pick something from a carefully curated shortlist, presented when they are very regulated and maybe a bit bored. Here we also get in a few things they will tolerate rather than choose. We get away with this for now, maybe because he's still emotionally quite young, or maybe because we've put a lot into building trust and positive experience when he does try new things.

We plan with repetition and projects. Maybe swimming twice a week would be ok if it's practising for a holiday, or maybe if you can find one thing they want to do then they will tolerate something you want to do too. I ask mine to cook dinner once a week each, which with autistic DC often means he does the one recipe he he likes to cook for first couple of times, then he might branch out. But we need to go through that repetition phase before he can branch out. If you keep lots the same and low demand then you can put the odd demand like a less preferred trip in, without it getting too overwhelming.

It feels pretty overwhelming for me at times though, these levels of planning.

@midgetastic I have tried asking them to pick something or to find an activity they will enjoy. DT2 in particular will not budge at all. Once his mind is made up, he will not deviate from his decision. He refused to pick up a parcel out of our garden once because he had decided that day, that he was not going outside.

Neither DT grasps the concept of other people’s needs. They tell me I can go out myself but the reality is, neither of them can be left alone. I have nobody else to watch them (DH works during the day) so I am often getting slightly crazier by the day. There have been times after a few days, I’ve insisted we go out, I’ve endured the battle and it’s been a disaster from start to finish.

Talking to them about the benefits of being out does not register with them.

I feel it is me who needs to lower my expectations and accept they don’t want the opportunities I am trying to provide them, if I can accept that , things may improve other than me having to sacrifice more of my own want to be out doing things.

It is the guilt knowing that their friends are out doing lots of exciting things, and we are indoors ad finitum. How do I change my mindset?

I let mine do what they want.

They do their school work. They socialise over games. They are kind and polite. I really don’t see the problem. Last generation people used to laugh at those who said “she always has her nose in a book”. It’s the same thing.

The other thing is having a break from regulations. School is exhausting if you're ND. I think I spent a lot of my time in the holidays and my parents did nothing with us, sleeping and recovering. It used to take all 6 weeks to relax.

The year I worked in the holidays, I struggled with my MH once back at school.