School Holidays and Tweens. Is it me who needs to change my expectations?

[BoredBoredandBored]

I always have the summer holidays off with my DC. In years past, summer has been filled with days out to soft plays, farms, bounce parks, picnics at NT places and so on.

DTs are now 12. Both are autistic and not very sociable. One DT hates going out and it is a terrible battle to get him out (this has always been the case but it was easier when he was younger to deal with). He has severe anxiety. Other DT dislikes going out but can sometimes be persuaded if lots of boxes are ticked.

We are only at the end of week 1 and I feel like we have peaked out already. We have had a busy week with day trips out but also combined with relaxed days at home. I’ve asked DTs to write a list of things they would like to do next week and they both are insistent they want to stay home. They can not think of a single thing between them.

Neither DT will play out (one can’t be left unsupervised for safety reasons). They can’t be left alone for safety reasons so I’m also stuck at home with them. Meeting friends does not appeal to them in the same way as others, they just want to be left alone.

They will socialise over gaming but looking at the glorious sunshine out of the window today, I’m feeling rather deflated. They will not go for walks (this is a real trigger for DT2, he hates the “pointlessness” of it.) At times when I do manage to get them in the car, the atmosphere is dire because of the stress of getting them ready to leave in the first place.

Do I need to adjust my expectations now they are older? I’m torn between the guilt of not having a fun filled summer and the idea of bugger it, I’m so drained anyway, let them do what they want.

WIBU to just leave them to it?

If you want to go out, get someone to watch them if they need it and go out and do something interesting. Be a good example.

Spend the day pottering organising doing gardening etc and then when their dad gets home go for an evening walk on your own, do some shopping etc. this is what I do on days mine don't want to leave the house.

Ds is 16yo and autistic.
He hates going away. Even somewhere he likes and enjoys he'll be saying about day 2/3 that he wants to go home.

I do try and encourage him out. McDonalds is quite a good one, although his choice would be for me to pick it up and bring it home. 😂

What I try and do is make sure there's something every week that he goes out to, even if it's just McDs. Sometimes it takes bribery, sometimes I can find something he likes enough that he wants to go, sometimes it can be a case of just telling him we are going. But not too much. Daily he really hates-I get a cry of "why won't everyone leave me alone?" or "Is one day on my own too much to ask?" 🤣

But this year he's been much better. He did his GCSEs so finished really early, and has actually been out a couple of times with friends, done some work experience, and performed in a show for a week.
I'm telling you that because I didn't force him to do much when younger, so don't feel if you leave them this year then that's it, they'll never go out. He's actually chosen to do things. I don't think there's anything else planned now except GCSE celebrations/commiserations on results day, and I won't expect him to do anything either.

Poor you OP. I'd be feeling the same. I think you went wrong (in the nicest way) by not giving them options and giving them the veto to do nothing. I agree it's not good for dc to not go out most days.

My two have to be dragged on walks too but I've found it's better to say we're going out to such and such (NT place, the city centre etc) for lunch/coffee and cake/ice cream and instead of the groans I get a vague bit of enthusiasm for the food on offer. They get a walk and fresh air without realising that's what I wanted.

I think if you're interested in geocaching then you should approach it as doing as little or as much as you want. The main website is https://www.geocaching.com/play/search - and you can also download an app to your phone. You can see a limited number of caches as a free member, but to join and access all the caches it's only £20 a year which is a bargain. You can also have several devices all logged into the same account, DH, DS and I all have it on our phones.

Type your location into the search box on the website. Unless you live absolutely in the middle of nowhere, there is likely to be a cache or two within easy reach. If you can say to them "we are going to find this cache, it is 1.2 miles away and it'll take 25 minutes to walk there" that's an easier sell to a reluctant child than "we're going for a walk" which is of indeterminate length.

If you can't leave them alone at home, then they have to come with you to do the necessary things you need to do out of the house. Shopping, exercise etc. I'd just lay down the law on that one - they can choose where you go, they can listen to music and ignore you, but you need to go out to buy food and to have a daily walk and they need to come with you. There is no way they should be allowed to essentially hold you hostage inside the house. If they are difficult about this, I would let the food supplies run down until there is only basic food and no treats in the house, and then tell them that you need to go to the shops to top them up.

Apart from this, I'd let them stay home and get a babysitter so you can go out sometimes.

Can DH take some time off, a couple of days or even a couple of half days?
That way, you can get out.
Or can you plan something as soon as he gets home? Evenings are still quite nice if the day has been nice.
You should not have to shoulder this on your own.
If you get out a bit yourself and destress, you might find yourself thinking of things they might like to do at home or close to home.
Rent a hot tub? We did that for a birthday weekend and had a lovely time at home.

Honestly, I think this is more about your needs than theirs.

If they genuinely can't be left and you're going stir-crazy by the time DH gets home, then you need to re-adjust your routine - get up early and go for a walk or to the gym, or make plans for the evening once DH gets in from work etc.

Alternatively, you could possibly pay for someone to come and sit with them for a couple of mornings/afternoons a week while you go out. A sixth former or a university student would be more than happy to come and sit with them and watch TV for £30 or so.

I totally understand that you need to get out of the house, but as an autistic person myself, going outside and doing lots of activities can be incredibly stressful and upsetting. I often find it overwhelming to the point I feel physically unwell afterwards - I get headaches and feel sick because it's so overwhelming. It's so much more than just not wanting to go.

I'm wondering, at 12, would they be able to understand an agreement like
"if you can show you're safe to be left, I'll go out and I won't ask you to come with me (unless you want to)"

If they possibly could, you could start by going out yourself for an hour, to do something you want to do, and if they've been ok then you could go out for longer next time?

I wouldn't worry about them being at home too long unless there is an obvious negative effect, but I do worry about you being stuck in.

It's probably dependent on how they'd cope with this, and you know them best.

I would accept that they don't have to do fun things like trampoline parks or theme parks if they don't enjoy them. But exercise is non negotiable and if they hate walks then they need to find another form - cycling, running, playing each other at tennis, it doesn't matter what. But they don't get to fester indoors all summer, so they might as well get the exercise done each morning and fester in the afternoon.

I love this post, especially the middle paragraph. I feel that so strongly for my autistic children. And my autistic self! Your son sounds like he's doing just great.

This isn't how it works when someone is autistic, though. It really isn't.

I've got quite a lot of school work to do this holiday so I have told my 2 youngest (18,13) that we will take it in turns during the week to decide what we are doing for the day. Monday at home, DS1 chooses, Wed at home, Thur DS2 chooses, Fri at home, Sat I choose. Sunday family day. Seems to be working ........................ They also cook on the day they get to choose activity, haha.

But they do need to take some exercise.

If that’s walking to the shops then fine. It doesn’t have to be a big day out.

And they also need to learn to balance their needs with OP’s

Ditto here.

If they’re 12 have they just done their first year at secondary? That’s huge for most kids but especially autistic kids who will feel that change deeper and harder than others. So a summer doing their version of unwinding is all the more important for their recovery.

With my autistic kids at the moment, I’ve been thinking a lot about whether things are really an issue or whether I’m imposing a NT expectation on them. I thought I was quite good at understanding what they needed but regularly asking myself that question has made me check my expectations all the more.

It’s also only the start of the holidays (unless you’re not in England?) - perhaps give them a few weeks to just veg and then see if they’re more interested in days out?

I know, and I don't disagree, but I really don't think that starting the day with a battle over exercise is the answer.

If you throw them in the deep end and force them to do something that makes them both physically and mentally uncomfortable, it will likely just result in them becoming overloaded and either melting down or shutting down, and even more reluctant to try it again in the future.

It's the same with them learning to understand OP's needs - this needs to happen gradually. It won't happen overnight by forcing them to go along with what OP wants.

I also think OP has a responsibility as their (presumably NT) parent to adjust her wants around their needs. She can go outside in the morning before DH leaves, or in the evening when he returns. Yes, it's a bit annoying to have to do that, but it's only for the six week holiday. It's not permanent.