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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No to a girls day out in a family holiday

63 replies

AnaJane1 · 29/07/2023 09:01

My DH and his 2 children, their spouses and boyfriends, are all coming on holiday with us for a week in a villa in France. We will be driving while everyone else will be flying in.
Recently there have been a few instances where we have either been ignored or not invited to occasions with his children and a recent funeral, my DH and I were completely ignored by his DD.

it’s been mentioned a couple of times that “we girls should have a day out” and I really don’t want to as I feel generally unwanted and used only for driving purposes.

I should mention that we have paid for the villa and expect no money from them.
Our background story is that we both had an affair and left our marriages to be together, which happened 25 years ago.

Am I being unreasonable in saying no to the girls day out?

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 29/07/2023 09:06

Is it that you think they only invited you to drive them there in which case I can understand you not wanting to go?

Perhaps they are trying to make an effort though and using it as a way to thank you for paying for the villa.

You mention the affair was 25 years ago. Are you sure that it isn't you who is holding on to some feeling of guilt about that and they may have long since put it behind them?

Rocknrollstar · 29/07/2023 09:07

It’s your holiday so do what you are comfortable with. However, maybe the girls are trying to be nice and re-build the relationship?

Sirzy · 29/07/2023 09:09

Sounds like they are trying to build a relationship. Tell them your not going to drive if you don’t want to but for the sake of one day I would think before saying an outright no

TheaBrandt · 29/07/2023 09:11

Sounds a confusing set up . Sounds like you cannot stand them yet you are paying for their holiday?

Anotherdayanothernamechanged · 29/07/2023 09:12

Agree to a girls day out but say you fancy a drink with lunch so won't be driving.

ShirleyPhallus · 29/07/2023 09:12

You’re gonna have an utterly miserable holiday honestly

Littlewhitecat · 29/07/2023 09:13

You say they ignore you but you don't want to go on a day out with them when they invite you. What could they do to make you think better of them?

MoonLion · 29/07/2023 09:13

Could the girls day out be an olive branch?

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2023 09:13

It depends on if your DH wants time with his sons? Alone and if you would be ok in on your own. I don't see how you could say no without looking like there's an issue. I think re his children going out and you not being invited, that's usual because of age differences etc. I don't do everything with my adult DD's, because it would change the dynamic. Relationships with adult children/step children don't have to be all or nothing, there's middle ground.

TwelfthGiraffe · 29/07/2023 09:13

If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. That’s not unreasonable. But I am slightly confused why you’d be inviting and paying for them to come on holiday with you in the circumstances.

User5653218 · 29/07/2023 09:14

it’s been mentioned a couple of times that “we girls should have a day out”

Who mentioned it? Is it your dh trying to push you together with his dd or was it her idea?

Cherrysoup · 29/07/2023 09:14

Day out will no doubt involve you driving, which isn’t much fun for you in a foreign country. Why are you paying for the villa when you’ve been ignored recently?

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 29/07/2023 09:16

You say his daughter ignored you at a funeral. Was her mum there?

marcopront · 29/07/2023 09:17

Not the point but you say 2 children with spouses and boyfriends.

Is it two daughter, one with a spouse and one with a boyfriend?

LittleBearPad · 29/07/2023 09:20

marcopront · 29/07/2023 09:17

Not the point but you say 2 children with spouses and boyfriends.

Is it two daughter, one with a spouse and one with a boyfriend?

I thought that. Quite the party

Createausername1970 · 29/07/2023 09:25

There is probably some left over baggage from the fact that DH left his wife to be with you. Rightly or wrongly that situation does create strong negative feelings and causes issues with divided loyalties.

But it was 25 years ago.

I would go, only because no-one is getting any younger, they are family and might be producing grandchildren at some point. If it helps to pave a way for better relationships in the future then it's worth a day of your time.

Cattlepillar · 29/07/2023 09:28

Go if you want to, don't go if you want.

I found out recently that FIL's girlfriend held a grudge with DH because he apparently "ignored" her at a funeral. He had hardly even met her at that point in time plus it was his mum's funeral so I do think a little compassion wouldn't have gone amiss. Not saying that is the case in your situation but there are always two sides to every story.

burnoutbabe · 29/07/2023 09:28

marcopront · 29/07/2023 09:17

Not the point but you say 2 children with spouses and boyfriends.

Is it two daughter, one with a spouse and one with a boyfriend?

Could be son with boyfriend or son with spouse and daughter with boyfriend.

So 6 people. And 3 girls for a girls day out (which likely is the op, a dd and a daughter in law)

I'd go -assuming the plan is for something chill like a pool day so less time spent chatting.

HaPPy8 · 29/07/2023 09:31

I would do it it …. One day to build bridges is worth it.

Holly60 · 29/07/2023 09:31

I personally would go. It can't hurt to try to build a relationship however you can

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/07/2023 09:33

That would be a no from me.
I'd sit by the pool with my book ans a large g&t

Gateappreciation · 29/07/2023 09:33

I agree, go, but don’t be the designated driver. Go somewhere where you can have a drink ( you probably need it!)

SavvyMaria · 29/07/2023 09:35

I'm confused? You say your DH and his daughters and partners are going on holiday with "us". Who's the us? Do you have other kids of your own? Who's going on the girls day out?

user1492757084 · 29/07/2023 09:43

You should go.
Don't create waves - just relax, have a drink and don't drive.
You can't change how people feel.
The kids might still resent the fact that their parents split up 25 years ago but you can never change the feelings of others.

You are only in charge how you react and behave.
Behave in a way that means you respect yourself and will have a contented holiday with your spouse.
The blokes will enjoy their time too.

5128gap · 29/07/2023 09:46

Anotherdayanothernamechanged · 29/07/2023 09:12

Agree to a girls day out but say you fancy a drink with lunch so won't be driving.

This. If you doubt people's motives for including you, withdraw any additional usefulness you bring to the event and you'll soon see whether you're wanted for your company.

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