Page 2 | No to a girls day out in a family holiday

AnaJane1 · 2023-07-29T08:01:54+00:00

My DH and his 2 children, their spouses and boyfriends, are all coming on holiday with us for a week in a villa in France. We will be driving while everyone else will be flying in. Recently there have been a few instances where we have either been ignored or not invited to occasions with his children and a recent funeral, my DH and I were completely ignored by his DD. it’s been mentioned a couple of times that “we girls should have a day out” and I really don’t want to as I feel generally unwanted and used only for driving purposes. I should mention that we have paid for the villa and expect no money from them. Our background story is that we both had an affair and left our marriages to be together, which happened 25 years ago. Am I being unreasonable in saying no to the girls day out?

Blossomtoes · 29/07/2023 09:46

Littlewhitecat · 29/07/2023 09:13

You say they ignore you but you don't want to go on a day out with them when they invite you. What could they do to make you think better of them?

This. Take the olive branch, in fact grab it with both hands.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/07/2023 09:47

Our background story is that we both had an affair and left our marriages to be together, which happened 25 years ago

That’ll be in then.

But saying ‘no’ will do nothing to repair your relationship with these women. It sounds like they’re trying, no?

If you don’t care about that, then I’m not sure why you’d spank money on a villa for everyone. Unless your H is trying to force a bind by throwing money at it.

Doyoumind · 29/07/2023 10:01

Clearly there's baggage due to your affair. Doesn't matter that it was 25 years ago. I'm guessing the leaving out or not speaking is related to loyalty to their mother.

I would go on the day out. Seems like you're the one being frosty when they are offering an olive branch.

Sounds like there are a lot of complex emotions tied up in all this but you're going on holiday together. Don't see that going well with an air of resentment hanging over you all.

marcopront · 29/07/2023 10:11

@burnoutbabe

Could be son with boyfriend or son with spouse and daughter with boyfriend.

So one spouse and one boyfriend or two boyfriends.

She says spouses and boyfriends. This implies at least two of each which for 2 children is quite an achievement and odd.

DinoRoar14 · 29/07/2023 10:20

They're probably holding onto a realtionahip with their parent while they tolerate you.
Don't underestimate how long those feelings can also after an affair.

You feel upset by this?
You'll have to get over it.

JudgeRudy · 29/07/2023 10:21

Presumably you've invited them along so you can build on and improve your relationship with them. Tbh I'm not a fan of 'girls/boys trips' but I might be up for it at a push. I wouldn't be the designated driver though, especially if the day out might involve a glass of wine with a meal etc. Are either of the others insured to drive your car?

littlefireseverywhere · 29/07/2023 10:31

I’d do it. Seems like an olive branch doesn’t it?

5128gap · 29/07/2023 11:03

Mmm. It would be great to excuse these women's behaviour as 'baggage from the affair' as that does fit the narrative of placing the OW as to blame for everything (even after 25 years) but unfortunately there's a bit of a contradiction.
If their problem is the affair then you'd think they'd keep the OP at a distance rather than jump on to the free holidays with her, and set up girly lunches with her as chauffeur.
The OPs situation comes up regularly on here with no OW/step mother agenda. Adult children trading their company for freeies and conveniences from their parents, and parents who'd rather pay/jump through hoops than not have them there.
Its really up to the parent/step parent to decide how much they're willing to be used.

BHRK · 29/07/2023 11:06

It might be 25 years ago but kids often don’t really forgive an affair that broke up their home. Why should they?
take the olive branch, relax and be kind

FloweryName · 29/07/2023 11:08

If you’re on holiday together then I’d make the best if it and do what you can to improve your relationship with your husbands dds, which includes doing the girls day.

If on the day they are rude to you then it would be fair enough for you to make less effort afterwards. But if they’re still only at the stage of mentioning it and no proper plans are being made, it might not happen any way.

bellac11 · 29/07/2023 11:13

Who are the girls in the girls day out? OP and one daughter or two daughters?

If its the daughter that you feel ignored you OP then I would go but I wouldnt drive

billy1966 · 29/07/2023 11:14

5128gap · 29/07/2023 11:03

Mmm. It would be great to excuse these women's behaviour as 'baggage from the affair' as that does fit the narrative of placing the OW as to blame for everything (even after 25 years) but unfortunately there's a bit of a contradiction.
If their problem is the affair then you'd think they'd keep the OP at a distance rather than jump on to the free holidays with her, and set up girly lunches with her as chauffeur.
The OPs situation comes up regularly on here with no OW/step mother agenda. Adult children trading their company for freeies and conveniences from their parents, and parents who'd rather pay/jump through hoops than not have them there.
Its really up to the parent/step parent to decide how much they're willing to be used.

In a nutshell.

I think the OP knows the lay of the land after 25 years.

I think you are being very kind hosting on a free holiday, but that would be my limit.

I most certainly wouldn't be their designated driver in this instance.

Could it be they also expect you to pay for this girls day out, too?

Again, I would be 100% suiting myself.

Yanbu OP.

I hope your husband doesn't pressurise you to tolerate any rudeness from them?

June628 · 29/07/2023 11:34

How can they win? If they hadn’t invited you then you’d be on here complaining you’ve been left out. They’ve made the effort to invite you, if you don’t want to go then just say so and let them enjoy their holiday.

aSofaNearYou · 29/07/2023 12:09

5128gap · 29/07/2023 11:03

Mmm. It would be great to excuse these women's behaviour as 'baggage from the affair' as that does fit the narrative of placing the OW as to blame for everything (even after 25 years) but unfortunately there's a bit of a contradiction.
If their problem is the affair then you'd think they'd keep the OP at a distance rather than jump on to the free holidays with her, and set up girly lunches with her as chauffeur.
The OPs situation comes up regularly on here with no OW/step mother agenda. Adult children trading their company for freeies and conveniences from their parents, and parents who'd rather pay/jump through hoops than not have them there.
Its really up to the parent/step parent to decide how much they're willing to be used.

Great post.

I'm perplexed by this OP - who is suggesting the girls day, them or your DH? If it's your DH it's a no brainer, it would be awkward and I'd say no. If it's the DD and you know she is just using you for a lift, again I would say no. I wouldn't spend my life grovelling even if they are carrying hurt over the past - I'm very confused by why you would pay for them to go on holiday in the first place if your relationship is at the point where she is blanking you at a funeral. Is it possible this is an exaggeration and she just wasn't very chatty? If not, and she was genuinely completely ignoring you, it seems odd that you're now paying for a holiday together.

The only circumstance where I would go is if she genuinely wanted to build a positive relationship with you. Only you know if that's a possibility.

pinkdelight · 29/07/2023 12:14

Parents are often used for driving no matter how old the DC are, I wouldn't take it personally. It could mean they're treating you less like the OW/stepmum and more like one of the family now.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/07/2023 12:18

Far more information needed.

Who has suggested a girls day out? What have you said? Why do you think you’ll be used for driving? If you say you don’t want to drive, will the day out still happen?
Do you get on generally?
Was them ignoring you out of character.
Have you holidayed with them before?

BungleandGeorge · 29/07/2023 12:24

I’d suggest your husband drives the 3 of you so you can have wine with lunch and the ‘boys’ won’t be stranded without a car. Spa day is a good idea as you don’t have to be joined at the hip and can quite legitimately lie silent and relaxing by the pool!

BellaJuno · 29/07/2023 12:25

Anotherdayanothernamechanged · 29/07/2023 09:12

Agree to a girls day out but say you fancy a drink with lunch so won't be driving.

Yep this! If you think they’re just using you for transport, this will make that clear. If you want a better relationship with them, spending time together gives you the perfect opportunity to do that.

Blueblell · 29/07/2023 12:35

I would go but make it clear you are on holiday so might have a drink and won’t be driving!

Use it as a chance to get on with them - maybe that’s what they want to do!

Original poster

AnaJane1 · 29/07/2023 12:40

It’s DSD, husband, 2 granddaughters + boyfriends; DSS, wife + 3 small children.

OP posts:

TenoringBehind · 29/07/2023 12:44

Sounds like an olive branch. I would do it and make an effort to look and sound enthusiastic (even if you don’t feel it inside).

Original poster

AnaJane1 · 29/07/2023 12:50

This is a holiday carry over from Covid which DH and I thought would build bridges with his DC. However, over the last two years, relations have been strained to the point where DH son uninvited us to a BBQ, and DD studiously avoided speaking to us at a funeral of member of DH family.
the girls day out was suggested by DH DIL with no support from DD.
Hence, my reaching out to ask for advice.

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 29/07/2023 12:51

What has caused the rift?

SavvyMaria · 29/07/2023 12:54

If the rift is that bad you have more to worry about than the day out... the whole holiday sounds challenging. I'd broach a truce before you go or cancel the whole thing.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/07/2023 13:00

the girls day out was suggested by DH DIL with no support from DD.

What do you mean ‘no support’? The DIL said, ‘hey-why don’t the three of us go out!’ and the DD didn’t say anything/doesn’t want to go?

If 2/3 of you don’t want to go, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen anyway.

Who uses you as a driver?