Would you find this demeaning coming from your husband ?

[lighbulber]

We recently returned from holiday and were talking about how expensive it was to rent a flat while we were away. I said something like, ' perhaps we could think about buying a second property there and then we would always have somewhere to go on holiday each year and a base for our family and it would work out long term for us all'.. also, properties in this country are cheap and we have local knowledge of the language/ family there etc etc ( this isn't about the ins and out to buying a holiday home ).

Anyway, he turns around and says ' you can't even manage this house ( our family home ) is properly.. let alone a holiday home '.. this really annoyed me.

I recently went away with work. I have a good job with a lot of responsibility. I used to travel all the time for work and he always thinks it's ' stupid ' and a ' waste of time '. He asked how my trip went. I explained that it was challenging and we are hoping it will be worth it in the end and we can get some new contracts from all this work we've put in. So he said ' oh, just another waste of time then '. I said no. These things just take time. I then mentioned that I'll need to go away again in a couple of months for a couple of nights and he again commented it was going to be a complete waste of time. I got annoyed and feel like he has absolutely no respect for what I do.

@lighbulber
If he thinks most jobs are" corporate bull shit" why would you have expected a different respect? He seems to be a bit of an ass, but a consistent ass.

Given your description of him, his respones and reactions are very predictable. This type of personality did not T overnight. You must have seen manifestations of this behavior before you married him.

Hopefully, his good points, whatever they may be, outweigh his negativity. He is certainly not everyone's cup of tea.

It is difficult to imagine that he has many friends.

There is nothing that you can do to change him, and only you can decide if the positives (and you did not mention any your OP) outweigh his negativity.

Wait so division of responsibility is not allowed? If he's the one to take out the trash, am I not allowed to remind him to do it, or say how it's impacting me when it's not done? I just have to do it because I live there too?

Why have you assumed it’s OP’s responsibility to manage the house? She has a full time job out of the house.

Why are you with this insecure, emasculated gnome??

Your original post was written as if any criticism of the house being messy was levelled at you - it was up to you to step up and take better control. That was my point:

Maybe you do t work and you are content to be landed with all the housework. OP works but her husband assumes everything domestic is her responsibility because.

maybe you take very old fashioned gender roles in your house. UP to you but thankfully lots of women these days see housework as a joint responsibility

Because unfortunately @ThroughGraceAlone
I think you sound either very young or very naive in thinking that you should be doing all of the housework, as after a great many years of being a wife and a mother I have learned that just because I am a woman it doesn't fall to me to be the only one responsible for all of the housework or child rearing.

The fact that you are taking your DH's put downs as constructive critism also doesn't sound very mature to me, it sounds more like a young woman who is still going through the rose coloured spectacles throes of being in love - (maybe sadly) that usually fades with time and experience.

Then the fact that you are ALWAYS telling him that you want a bigger house, and he KEEPS on telling you that you couldn't cope with a bigger one, as in his words
"... our current one is always messy"
sounds rather strange to me. Why don't you remember that you don't 'need' a bigger house, before you say it again, as you believe him that you only need to keep your present one tidier?

Please understand that I am not trying to be horrible here, I am just offering you constructive criticism... (that you need to stop thinking you are the only one in your relationship that needs to put the hard work into keeping your house clean and tidy!)

Always was more a way of speaking than literally meaning every single second.
I hear you.
I'm 30, married with 3 dc. I'm definitely not old, but won't consider myself particularly young either. Been married 8 years.

I can see what you are trying to express, but don't you think after 8 years the rose coloured glasses would be off?
I'm merely saying that my husband has a point. I don't think that should be discredited as me being young or naive. I think I can objectively keep the house tidier even with 3 young dc.
Also, everyone us entitled to dividing housework 50/50.
We choose not to.
How is this so terribly wrong?
I'd rather being doing all the housework and happy than constantly nagging about the fact 'that my husband isnt doing his share'. Which happens frequently on MN.

I'm not taking your comments as being nasty, but I think people can operate differently and accept 'criticism' and it not have to be called 'being put down by my husband.'

I have just seen one of your more recent responses @ThroughGraceAlone where you reference asking your DH to take out the trash, so does that mean that you do have a fair and strict regime where all of the housework and child rearing is shared equally, but you just hadn't made that clear in your original post?

If you do share them equally and your husband's chores aren't just taking out the trash, mowing the lawn once a week, and maybe doing the occasional bit of DIY, then I apologise for thinking you may be quite young, and quite newly we'd.

However, is it really only your half of the household jobs that aren't done properly and so makes the house look messy? Also, just out of nosiness ...Grace..., are you American? I'm giving you these 💐 because I do think I am probably being a little hard on you, but my perserverance in questioning you is just because I am annoyed on your behalf that you seem to be taking it for granted that looking after the household is almost solely your responsibility!

Sorry @ThroughGraceAlone, I missed your later reply as I was typing mine. As long as you are happy, and realise that you have a choice, then you are of course absolutely entitled to your own opinion about your lifestyle. xx

Nope definitely second scenario. 😅 DIY, garden, trash! I do the home and babies, but he definitely helps when needed. He would do the bath sometimes or help with something when needed!

No worries!
I feel more newly wed than oldly wed if that helps😂
Yes I like our dynamic, but know that most people think it's terribly outdated! I think it works and more women should adopt it, but I'll be slaughtered for that opinion!

I wouldn't be married to someone who thought the house was my responsibility because I have a vagina.

It only works because you're both happy with it. Many women wouldn't be happy with that setup.

OP you sound like a high achiever/successful, why on earth would you allow your husband to belittle you that way? He sounds incredibly chauvinistic, would not last 5 minutes with me. Hope you dig deep and push back and suggest it's his house as well so don't be shy doing whatever he thinks needs doing....good luck!

What is his job? Why is housekeeping your job?

buy the house abroad and divorce the weight pulling your down.

Hmmmmmm.....think your dh has a massive chip on his shoulder and the comments are from a lack of self esteem esp he is one of the generation that thinks a womans place is in the home.
Is your job more highly regarded than his or has your position changed since you first met? Either way he sounds threatened by what you do. If he thinks the house is a shithole then tell him that he thinks that he can always clean/tidy it himself. There's 2 of you there and its not your total reponsibility.
I wouldn't discuss your job with him in future then he won't have the opportunity to put you down or dismiss your work as unimportant.

It always made me sad for the girls growing up in these household with ‘lazy’ or hmmm ‘traditional’ dads as their role modes.

@ThroughGraceAlone while it is ofcourse up to you and your husband how you live I hope your children know girls aren’t expected to do all the housework and boys can’t expect to be waited on hand and foot. Household chores don’t have a gender - men are just as a capable as women of washing and cooking. And cleaning. Get the girls mowing the grass and the boys doing the laundry.!

Are you a SAHM?

If yes, I don’t know why you keep relating your set up to Op’s, who works full time.

@ThroughGraceAlone think of the talent and potential that the world would miss out on if more women lived like you! It would be a travesty - all those capable women who could be scientists and doctors and business leaders and politicians stuck at home making life easy for a man so he can achieve his dreams.

I know it works for some but my goodness please don’t teach your daughters this is the ideal - give them choices and ambition. They are just as valuable as men and aren’t put on this earth to keep house while a man goes out into the world and make a difference.

If my husband said something like that or any of the other disrespectful bullshit about my job, I would consider that he no longer wished to be married to me and I would be organising my exit.

Why are you tolerating such rudeness and disrespectful from him?

He's a nasty arsehole.

I hope you haven't had children with him?

If not, get organised and get out.

He really is a nasty arsehole.

He sounds a cheery soul to be tied to @Walesagogo I totally agree with you

How fucking dare he? Dissing your career, assigning the role of housekeeper to you and then criticising you about it, what a bellend.

Who earns more money? I'm thinking it's you in your apparently bullsh*t corporate job. He doesn't get to treat you like this, in fact no matter who earns what he sounds awful. Why are you still with him ?

Total cunt.

He’s made his contempt for you, what you do, perfectly plain hasn’t he? Twat. And the fact that he still sees all domestic shit as your job simply because you’re a woman…

I hate this C word.

It's not something I have ever used or been around ever in my long life.

I used to wince when reading it.....

However, over time I keep reading it on MN being applied to men like this waster and it seems completely apt.😁