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Original poster

Would you find this demeaning coming from your husband ?

130 replies

lighbulber · 29/07/2023 08:30

We recently returned from holiday and were talking about how expensive it was to rent a flat while we were away. I said something like, ' perhaps we could think about buying a second property there and then we would always have somewhere to go on holiday each year and a base for our family and it would work out long term for us all'.. also, properties in this country are cheap and we have local knowledge of the language/ family there etc etc ( this isn't about the ins and out to buying a holiday home ).

Anyway, he turns around and says ' you can't even manage this house ( our family home ) is properly.. let alone a holiday home '.. this really annoyed me.

I recently went away with work. I have a good job with a lot of responsibility. I used to travel all the time for work and he always thinks it's ' stupid ' and a ' waste of time '. He asked how my trip went. I explained that it was challenging and we are hoping it will be worth it in the end and we can get some new contracts from all this work we've put in. So he said ' oh, just another waste of time then '. I said no. These things just take time. I then mentioned that I'll need to go away again in a couple of months for a couple of nights and he again commented it was going to be a complete waste of time. I got annoyed and feel like he has absolutely no respect for what I do.

OP posts:
topnoddy · 29/07/2023 12:14

Well he sounds like a right old charmer doesn't he !

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/07/2023 12:15

DojaPhat · 29/07/2023 11:55

Some men live their lives in absolute fear and terror of their wives waking up one morning and realising how little their husbands actually do for them and the family they've created. That their husbands are in effect dead-weights. These men hate to see their wives succeeding in the workplace among other areas and will not stop until their wives are so insecure they worry they wouldn't manage to switch on the kettle in the absence of their husbands.

Came to say this!

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 12:18

lighbulber · 29/07/2023 08:43

He just thinks the house is ' always a shit hole '. It's not true. It's not good enough for him ever. Nothing really is.

He thinks most jobs are just corporate bullshit. That's what he thinks of mine. He thinks companies waste lots of money on all these jobs. He doesn't work in the corporate world, but is self employed.

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Are you paid for these trips away?

Does your job contribute the majority of family income?

SapphireSeptember · 29/07/2023 12:22

Usernamen · 29/07/2023 11:05

It’s depressing how subservient women come across on MN sometimes. I pray it’s because we only hear one side of the story and the men actually do more than is reported in a MN post.

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Yup. I've lived in house shares with men who expect the women to do everything. I ignored their mess. I'm not cleaning up after grown-arse men. When they ran out of crockery and tried to use mine I hid it. I clean up after myself. Left the kitchen spotless yesterday after cleaning up my mess, and now it's a dirty again. (Different place to the last one but same problems with lazy men.)

lightbulber · 29/07/2023 12:22

@Olderandolder yes of course I'm paid for these trips away and I contribute massively to our financial set up.

Outliers · 29/07/2023 12:35

Communicate to HIM how his words make you feel.

Strangers on this forum will give only advise you to take an extreme response and divorce.

OhwhyOY · 29/07/2023 12:37

'He thinks most jobs are just corporate bullshit. That's what he thinks of mine. He thinks companies waste lots of money on all these jobs.' Mine says the same. I just roll my eyes. He wouldn't though be so rude as to repeatedly say my work trips were a waste of time. Also agree with others about the running of the house comment - maybe you could pull your finger out a bit more then DH?! I'd have a word and say it's fine to think corporate jobs are a waste of time but it's not fine to be rude to you about your personal efforts and a job you work hard at. As ab aside I'd buy the holiday home and have an important 'work' trip come up tha6 gives you a few days relaxation in the holiday home and DH a chance to see what goes into running a household! ;-)

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 12:37

lightbulber · 29/07/2023 12:22

@Olderandolder yes of course I'm paid for these trips away and I contribute massively to our financial set up.

Then he needs to understand the connection between what you do and what you are therefore able to provide for him.

Does he understand the risky nature of his own income?

Gymnopedie · 29/07/2023 12:50

I think he while he may like the lifestyle benefits your salary provides he doesn't like it that you're a high flyer. So the house comment is him trying to put you back in your box where he thinks you belong. Underneath it's nothing to do with you're housekeeping, it's misogyny.

He's self employed and thinks corporate jobs are BS. Is he generally anti establishment, maybe occasionally likes to 'stick it to the man'?

HopityHope · 29/07/2023 12:56

Why is the house your responsibility? He’s only demeaning you going away so you don’t do it. He enjoys your salary though I guess? Are you equals in other things?

Lessonsinbiology · 29/07/2023 12:58

The more you say the more deeply unattractive he sounds. Making a mess, assuming it's your job to tidy. I would be very angry about this!

Lots of people have suggested solutions to this. What have you decided to do to tackle this situation. You sound quite resigned to the situation.

Whattodo112222 · 29/07/2023 13:00

He sounds horrible and like he doesn't even like you very much.

Thehonestybox · 29/07/2023 13:02

I would be so pissed off!

TheLadyofShalott1 · 29/07/2023 13:02

ThroughGraceAlone · 29/07/2023 10:52

Uhmm depends on the tone I guess. I always say I want a bigger house and then my husband reminds me that our current one is always messy. And I feel like that's constructive criticism. I've now made it my mission to prove I can keep this house clean and it will help me to put strategies in place for the next house.
Aren't partners there to point out things we're struggling with?are they allowed to have an opinion on the cleanliness of their own homes. I don't see the problem with, 'you struggle to manage the current one'.
Fair point, imho. If you can't handle one, you wont be able to handle two.

In this case, seems you and dh have marital problems and the statement he made is part of larger problems. Cause the statement in itself is not necessarily problematic.

As a side note tongue in the check, I also feel most of these corporate jobs are bogus. Have worked in consultancy and if a company wants you to consult on x, you become an expert on x overnight, doesn't matter if you know zilch. Consult you'll consult. It's daylight robbery what we do haha.
And I mean lost of jobs are not essential to companies. If they fell away, company would still survive, like they did for many years before these jobs suddenly became a thing

How old are you please @ThroughGraceAlone and what sex are you - please only use the choice of two for the second answer.

By the way, I live in a 2 bedroom house with another 3 adult family members. If we could afford a bigger house it could be much tidier as we would have enough room to actually have enough places to keep all of our stuff. If you live in a small home you need to be very minimalistic if you want it to stay tidy..

Poppyblush · 29/07/2023 13:03

I’d actually leave him.

ScottishIceCream · 29/07/2023 13:03

When it's just me and the kids, it's a lot easier !

Solution right there!

DinnaeFashYersel · 29/07/2023 13:06

Another dickhead vote here

HP89 · 29/07/2023 13:08

If he’s self employed I’m sure he could schedule in some time off for him to sort the house out… since it’s SO TERRIBLE!

ThroughGraceAlone · 29/07/2023 13:11

TheLadyofShalott1 · 29/07/2023 13:02

How old are you please @ThroughGraceAlone and what sex are you - please only use the choice of two for the second answer.

By the way, I live in a 2 bedroom house with another 3 adult family members. If we could afford a bigger house it could be much tidier as we would have enough room to actually have enough places to keep all of our stuff. If you live in a small home you need to be very minimalistic if you want it to stay tidy..

Show quote history

I'm female. Uhmm what does my age have to do with it.

pinkyredrose · 29/07/2023 13:13

Well if he thinks the house is a shithole that just proves that he can't handle it, best he doesn't lumber himself with a holiday home.

ThroughGraceAlone · 29/07/2023 13:13

TheLadyofShalott1 · 29/07/2023 13:02

How old are you please @ThroughGraceAlone and what sex are you - please only use the choice of two for the second answer.

By the way, I live in a 2 bedroom house with another 3 adult family members. If we could afford a bigger house it could be much tidier as we would have enough room to actually have enough places to keep all of our stuff. If you live in a small home you need to be very minimalistic if you want it to stay tidy..

Show quote history

I know, we live in an annex for now and with the kids stuff it's just too much stuff for everything to have a place. My husband and I chat about it often and both agree it would be better if we had more space but I still agree that I should keep the space I have now tidy

Saschka · 29/07/2023 13:16

Begonne · 29/07/2023 08:51

He just means that his domestic appliance is malfunctioning. Not only is it not satisfactorily cleaning the house, but it occasionally goes completely offline for days at a time.

If you think of yourself (as he seems to) like an old toaster, that burns the toast sometimes, you might be able to understand his perspective.

Yep, this I’m afraid. You aren’t performing your primary function of cooking and cleaning to his satisfaction, and then to add insult to injury, you keep going away for days and doing nothing at all for him! I

LinMortisanass · 29/07/2023 13:18

Another one here who thinks he sounds like a dickhead and you should be considering how to ltb. Sorry OP, but it makes me angry just reading about him, I couldn't live with someone like that.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/07/2023 13:20

He's self employed and thinks corporate jobs are BS. Is he generally anti establishment, maybe occasionally likes to 'stick it to the man'?

I wouldn't mind betting that as well as enjoying the OP's salary from 'corporate bullshit' he also enjoys the light, heat, water, food, clothes, entertainment and transport those corporate bullshitters provide.

He sounds thick and arrogant.

jennyjones198080 · 29/07/2023 13:20

@ThroughGraceAlone why do you see your husbands grumbles about the messy house as constructive criticism- why us it your responsibility to keep the house tidy? Does he live there too?