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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you find this demeaning coming from your husband ?

130 replies

lighbulber · 29/07/2023 08:30

We recently returned from holiday and were talking about how expensive it was to rent a flat while we were away. I said something like, ' perhaps we could think about buying a second property there and then we would always have somewhere to go on holiday each year and a base for our family and it would work out long term for us all'.. also, properties in this country are cheap and we have local knowledge of the language/ family there etc etc ( this isn't about the ins and out to buying a holiday home ).

Anyway, he turns around and says ' you can't even manage this house ( our family home ) is properly.. let alone a holiday home '.. this really annoyed me.

I recently went away with work. I have a good job with a lot of responsibility. I used to travel all the time for work and he always thinks it's ' stupid ' and a ' waste of time '. He asked how my trip went. I explained that it was challenging and we are hoping it will be worth it in the end and we can get some new contracts from all this work we've put in. So he said ' oh, just another waste of time then '. I said no. These things just take time. I then mentioned that I'll need to go away again in a couple of months for a couple of nights and he again commented it was going to be a complete waste of time. I got annoyed and feel like he has absolutely no respect for what I do.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 29/07/2023 09:07

lighbulber · 29/07/2023 08:43

He just thinks the house is ' always a shit hole '. It's not true. It's not good enough for him ever. Nothing really is.

He thinks most jobs are just corporate bullshit. That's what he thinks of mine. He thinks companies waste lots of money on all these jobs. He doesn't work in the corporate world, but is self employed.

But he’s happy to use your corporate job salary to run the house. Do you earn more than him?

Why does he think it’s your job alone to manage the house?

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 29/07/2023 09:08

He sounds like my ex-husband who would openly ask when I was going to stop messing about working and taking a man's job, and do what I was supposed to i.e. be a full-time housewife. When he didn't ask, his father would berate me for my priorities being wrong.
I would be having a serious think about whether you want this man in your life.

RandomMess · 29/07/2023 09:11

Why isn't keeping the house up to his standards if your ones aren't god enough?

BlueMoonPurple · 29/07/2023 09:29

Wow, he sounds like my exh 😵‍💫 If worked corporate, he labelled it as a 'vanity project'. When i was at home with the kids, i was lazy and should be making money. When i worked for his business, i was never doing enough and should've read his mind about how to do it all.
Im divorcing him. I get to not care about his opinions anymore. Nothing was ever good enough anyways. So much happier now..

jennyjones198080 · 29/07/2023 09:32

Some people are just rotten to the core. He is.

sounds like a miserable horrible person who just runs you down and doesn’t bring any joy or support to your life.

maybe time to leave? Sounds like you would be happier on your own. Please tell me you haven’t had kids with this sexist miserable man

JudgeRudy · 29/07/2023 09:40

Is it actually a lack of respect, or is it that your husband is just a generally negative moaner? Does he 'dis' all government initiatives, foregniers, psychology,the youth of today, haut cuisine, liberals, H&S, actors, fat people, gym goers, fashionisters, other drivers, ...ad infinitum?
Keep a tally for a day and see how many positive to negative remarks he makes. The results could be an eye opener.

Pushmepullu · 29/07/2023 09:42

I generally don’t agree with the ltf posts but do yourself a favour and stand up for yourself now. This will show you if you want to invest more time in this relationship because it will only get worse if you let him berate you like this. Then ltf if it continues.

GnomeDePlume · 29/07/2023 09:43

I his job quite physical? Is that what he considers to be 'proper' work.

If so, as he gets older, he may be rather grateful for your corporate bullshit job, and later, corporate bullshit pension.

This assumes you will still be together!

JudgeRudy · 29/07/2023 09:43

lighbulber · 29/07/2023 08:43

He just thinks the house is ' always a shit hole '. It's not true. It's not good enough for him ever. Nothing really is.

He thinks most jobs are just corporate bullshit. That's what he thinks of mine. He thinks companies waste lots of money on all these jobs. He doesn't work in the corporate world, but is self employed.

I bet he's a 'no nonsense tradie'.

KezzaMucklowe · 29/07/2023 09:44

Sorry he's been such a dick to you op. Is he always like this ?
What does he fo for a job that makes him so special?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2023 09:48

You need to take a good, long look at yourself and ponder why your standards for the way you are treated by your own husband are so shockingly low.

He's a total arsehole.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/07/2023 09:49

I bet he's a 'no nonsense tradie'

I was thinking the same when I replied. DGM was the same about my job in a bank - I couldn't be tired because I hadn't spent all day at a real job i.e digging up roads or swinging a pickaxe. She at least had an excuse because a) she was born in 1905 b) her father was a manual labourer and her hero and c) she wasn't very bright.

Don't know what OP's husband's excuse is for thinking what he does about corporates but it's boring student union stuff and IMO a right turn off in a grown man

Mirabai · 29/07/2023 09:52

I would buy the flat and ditch the DH - what does he bring to your life except negativity?

How much housework does he do?

TwelfthGiraffe · 29/07/2023 09:53

Got to say OP, based on what you’re saying he sounds like a total arsehole. I’m querying why you’re with him?

cushioncovers · 29/07/2023 09:54

Sounds like he's got underlying jealousy issues. Does he often criticise things that are 'better' than him or more luxurious?

VeridicalVagabond · 29/07/2023 09:56

Come on OP you know the answer to this. I speak to my fucking dog with more respect than your husband speaks to you.

user1492757084 · 29/07/2023 09:59

I would respond that you are very comfortable with the way the house is apart from having to share it with an uptight moaner. Look for a holiday home, buy it, pay someone to manage it and go there as often as you can.

Call him Mona Lisa. Tell him you are really looking forward to the work trip away - and it is never a waste of time being paid to travel away from his negative energy.

Lessonsinbiology · 29/07/2023 10:04

If you want to make this marriage work and he doesn't have any other major faults then I'd try to do the following.

As you both work, you need to have a conversation about why he thinks running the household is your job.

If the house is a mess, he is equally to blame. If you both agree the house is a mess, come up with an action plan of who does what and split jobs fairly.

He sounds very jealous of your job and wants to bring you down. This is not a supportive partner at all. The next conversation would be about the comments he makes about your job, this is mean and undermining.

Use 'I' statements, 'I feel this when you say this' not ' you do this' and 'you do that'

You need to address this EVERY time he brings you down if you feel that it is unjustified and not in any way constructive criticism.

rainbowstardrops · 29/07/2023 10:09

I hope you didn't let him get away with that comment and told him to put more effort into the house then!
Do you earn more than him/more intelligent than him? He sounds jealous. And a bit thick.

TheSandgroper · 29/07/2023 10:12

Well, that corporate job brings in a good wage and he is happy to have that, I bet.

Isn’t he lucky to have the luxury if his opinions?

Yeah, I’m not thinking much of him.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2023 10:12

Why are you with this prick ?

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 29/07/2023 10:13

And you stay with a man that thinks you’re worthless inside and outside the home why?

RudsyFarmer · 29/07/2023 10:18

He is self employed doing what? What percentage of his wages cover all the household outgoings?

AgnesX · 29/07/2023 10:22

He's quite happy to benefit from the salary that your " corporate bullshit" brings in though....

I think the chat you need about your roles in the family is long overdue. Not only who brings in what but who does what. If the place is a shit hole then who actually causes the mess. Everyone needs to start pulling their weight.

Separately if nothing is good enough for him I'd be having a good hard think about spending the rest ofy life with him.

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