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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguing about getting up with baby during the night

120 replies

Sunflower2023123 · 29/07/2023 07:21

We have a 4 week old baby. I get up for all night feeds during the week as partner works full time and is up and out the door early for work. Partner has a couple of times now offered to get up for feeds (formula fed baby) when it's a Friday night... this always ends up in arguments! Partner never gets up when baby actually stirs, I ALWAYS have to wake him and tell him and he takes ages to the point the baby stirring turns into full on crying and he always tells me to calm down. He does not seem to grasp that we must get up quickly as longer baby is left the more distressed baby gets. This also means the more distressed baby has become the longer it takes to get them back to sleep. Partner is also bad for getting up going to toilet first etc and asking me to hold the baby whilst he does this.

I often wind up getting up to "help" which results in me doing most the work. I also think it's unfair asking me to hold baby etc whilst he sorts himself out, when I get up in the night I don't disturb him at all and I also get up as soon as I realise baby is awake.

AIBU to expect him to get up ASAP with baby and not ask me to help? The whole point is to give me a chance to sleep for one night. I'm at the point I'm tempted to tell him not to bother helping as the arguments aren't worth it and I don't end up sleeping well anyways because I get so worked up after it all.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 29/07/2023 07:24

You need to sleep in a different room from him and baby when he’s getting up.

MisplacedAndDiscovered · 29/07/2023 07:26

And wake him to hold the baby because you need the loo

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/07/2023 07:33

I would just do it yourself. Tell him there's no point him doing it as he's not helping. Ask him to pick up some other job instead. He will either up his game or not but if he doesn't he's a shit parent and you won't change him. There's no point having arguments in the night and getting your baby distressed. Better to communicate clearly about it in the daytime.

MinnieMountain · 29/07/2023 07:36

Now I understand why SIL did all the night feeds whilst she was on maternity leave (I wouldn’t put it past BIL to be equally useless).
Can he take the baby both weekend mornings so you can sleep?

TeddyBeans · 29/07/2023 07:37

Once DP went back to work I took over all night feeds. I would wake up anyway so there wasn't much point in both of us being awake. Men have this inherent ability to sleep through the end of the world as well, I find. You'll be better off handing over baby once DP gets in from work and going to have some you time in the evenings

Turnthelightoff · 29/07/2023 07:40

It feels sad to accept defeat already but I second what a PP said about swapping for something else such as a lie in or taking the baby for a walk so you get some time to rest and just to yourself

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/07/2023 07:40

You sleeping elsewhere is worth a go. It will not hurt your baby to cry for a couple of minutes (although I agree it’s better to pre-empt it if you can).

TheBeesKnee · 29/07/2023 07:41

While I agree that yanbu, I don't think a night's sleep will help you. We have a 12 week old who was bottle fed in the beginning and actually what helped the most was my DP taking the baby when he woke up at 7am or whatever and letting me sleep until noon. Otherwise you're both sleep deprived and for what?

PeloMom · 29/07/2023 07:42

Every Friday and Saturday night go sleep in a different room and let him handle the nights. He’ll figure it out.

Vettrianofan · 29/07/2023 07:45

He can take the baby for a whirl in the pram whilst you sleep/rest during the afternoon instead. You will just get annoyed at him not getting up fast enough for the night feeds.

Livinghappy · 29/07/2023 07:47

I agree with @TheBeesKnee much more sensible approach.

If you do night waking but agree to handover in the morning so you catch up on sleep. Once the baby is older and doesn't need constant feeding you can switch.

During the day, sleep when the baby is sleeping and your partner should then he doing more of the household chores.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/07/2023 07:49

Either sleep elsewhere or go for the lie in option. You can't insist he wakes up as quickly as you'd like and if you're there, waking up anyway, then it's not much of a break for you.

And if you do sleep elsewhere leave him to it. He'll work it out once he realises it really is just down to him.

DrJump · 29/07/2023 07:49

I did all night feeds for all our babies. I breastfed, I would have been in pain if I didn't feed overnight so I wouldn't have got more sleep. We did co sleep so I would often drift back to sleep while feeding. I did not do night time nappy changes or Calpol runs. I would wake my partner and get him to get up.

pecanpie101 · 29/07/2023 07:50

Either sleep in a different room or agree he takes the baby when he wakes in the morning to give you a couple of hours extra sleep. I did most of the night feeds with my babies and had a few extra hours in the morning.

Mamai90 · 29/07/2023 07:51

You need to sleep in the spare room when partner is doing night feeds or the other option is to do the night feeds yourself but on your partners days off have a long lie in to help you catch up on sleep. That's what DH and I did, I did all the night feeds but the days he was off I'd lie on til around 12 while he got the up with the baby at around 7. This worked best for us because he's a heavy sleeper and I was always worried about him dozing off while feeding baby.

Peony654 · 29/07/2023 07:53

As others said if he’s doing night feeds, you need to sleep in another room. And do consider if he hasnt done night feeds much, why would he know he needs to be quicker? He just needs to do it more so he gets experience

Mrsjayy · 29/07/2023 07:56

DisquietintheRanks · 29/07/2023 07:49

Either sleep elsewhere or go for the lie in option. You can't insist he wakes up as quickly as you'd like and if you're there, waking up anyway, then it's not much of a break for you.

And if you do sleep elsewhere leave him to it. He'll work it out once he realises it really is just down to him.

I had typed out a long post but deleted it, basically this.

Turtlegurl888 · 29/07/2023 07:57

Does your OH sleep on the opposite side of the bed to baby? My DP is exactly the same and he says he can't hear him until he's actually crying. We do have loud white noise on all night so might be true. I think as a mother you wake up to the slightest stirring too.

I've given up asking my DP to do the night feeds on a weekend. It's quicker and easier to do it myself.
I send him to make the bottle and make him get up with the baby in the morning so I can have a couple of hours lie in. Although this morning I was pissed off because DP was "so tired" because he didn't come to bed until after 11 then had to get up at 4 to make the bottle (we have a prep machine) then needed a poo at 5. So asked if I could get up with the baby at half 6. My heart bleeds.

Very awake/upset baby taking 30 minutes + to settle compared to sleepy baby who conks out the second the bottle is finished. It isn't worth the "help". I also find I'm awake regardless. Crap but won't last forever.

Hufflepods · 29/07/2023 07:57

YANBU but sometimes it’s easy to overestimate the confidence new dads have with the baby when they haven’t spent anywhere near the same amount of time alone with then!
Make it clear to him that the point of his night is for you to try and catch up on a whole week of sleep. I agree with PP that if you can sleep somewhere else it would help.

Mrsjayy · 29/07/2023 07:58

Mums are hard wired to hear babies it's instinct, other parent not so much so he will be annonyly sleeping deeper than you.

Mrsjayy · 29/07/2023 07:58

That's why he isn't waking as fast as you .

MoonLion · 29/07/2023 08:00

I agree with pp. Either sleep somewhere else or agree that he gets up with the baby in the morning and you have a lie in. Don't tell him not to bother helping!

Mrsjayy · 29/07/2023 08:03

On dh work days I used to go to bed early and let him do last .bottle feed and put baby to bed you just do what you can to catch up on sleep.

gogomoto · 29/07/2023 08:04

I found I naturally woke with my babies whereas exh struggled to wake up, that said I breastfed so only I could feed. He was however very good at late nights, both dc when babies stayed in the living room with him after I fed mid evening and I would go to bed, he's a night owl (or was, hes apparently into 6am yoga nowConfused) and brought them to bed around 12.30 when they next needed feeding, he was pretty good at extending the time between feeds to 3 hours, for me I'd give in after 2

Mutabiliss · 29/07/2023 08:07

My partner is a very heavy sleeper, so I knew I would end up doing the night feeds. It is utterly infuriating to be holding a screaming baby in the same room as a snoring man, I totally get it and it made me so angry.

However, my partner is a good man, just with the ability to sleep through a fire alarm. So he would take over first thing in the morning at the weekend, and I would catch up on sleep. Those morning sleeps were bliss because I knew my baby was fully in the care of someone else, so I could rest without one ear on the monitor.

I also used to wake him up in the night if (later on, usually when dealing with teething) I'd been trying for hours and just couldn't get our child back to sleep. Once awake, he'd take over and I would get a good block of sleep. But he needed waking properly first.

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