Arguing about getting up with baby during the night

[Sunflower2023123]

We have a 4 week old baby. I get up for all night feeds during the week as partner works full time and is up and out the door early for work. Partner has a couple of times now offered to get up for feeds (formula fed baby) when it's a Friday night... this always ends up in arguments! Partner never gets up when baby actually stirs, I ALWAYS have to wake him and tell him and he takes ages to the point the baby stirring turns into full on crying and he always tells me to calm down. He does not seem to grasp that we must get up quickly as longer baby is left the more distressed baby gets. This also means the more distressed baby has become the longer it takes to get them back to sleep. Partner is also bad for getting up going to toilet first etc and asking me to hold the baby whilst he does this.

I often wind up getting up to "help" which results in me doing most the work. I also think it's unfair asking me to hold baby etc whilst he sorts himself out, when I get up in the night I don't disturb him at all and I also get up as soon as I realise baby is awake.

AIBU to expect him to get up ASAP with baby and not ask me to help? The whole point is to give me a chance to sleep for one night. I'm at the point I'm tempted to tell him not to bother helping as the arguments aren't worth it and I don't end up sleeping well anyways because I get so worked up after it all.

So he’s been a bit shit and is therefore absolved of all responsibility for nightfeeds?

Why do some women have such. low expectations?

If both parents are male do you think babies scream throughout the night?

A word of warning - I did the night wakings, DH did the late shift with DC1, as recommended, all good. Actually I think it's a shit deal for new mums:

He was awake in the evenings with good TV, friends and family to video call or drop in, all the adult socialising. I was stuck with baby-in-tow daytime socialising when all our existing friends and family were working so trying to make new friends (which ended abruptly with COVID, but that's a different story).

He could have a drink in the evening and go sleep in the spare room, I was responsible for night so less option (and less time before I went to bed!) I'm not a big drinker but it just felt like being left out again

Baby starts sleeping more reliably in the early part of the night after 3?4? Months so he stops doing the early shift (there's nothing to do, baby is just asleep) but you still have all the night wakings

Now, both DC only want me in the night, he never learnt to wake for them, doesn't know how to settle them and is not good on disturbed sleep. I'm trying to cope with work off the back of what feels like years of sleep deprivation. If I had my time again I'd go for 1-2 nights "off" per week instead of split shifts

@LittleBearPad and how do you suggest my husband breastfed the babies at night ….

There is lots dad can do with baby and to support mum. For some families both getting up in the night doesn’t work. In this case it’s just not working so why fight about it and try to make it work. Instead dad can support by doing other things.

50/50 parenting doesn’t mean doing half of every job. It means working together as a team. Supporting and finding ways that work for you as a family. For some that will be splitting the night feeds. For other that will be something else.

This 100%

Men crying 'but...work!' to excuse them from all night feeds and duties... Christ.

Of course there are some jobs that you really shouldn't do tired - bomb disposal, brain surgery - but the vast majority of jobs are considerably less hard work than looking after a baby.

I agree, I think there's an element of strategic incompetence here from most men. I have a baby and a toddler and I'm still exclusively breastfeeding one of them, for the last 2 years DH has mostly slept in another room with the baby monitor (because I wake up at the slightest shuffle whereas he doesn't) and when the baby needs feeding he gets up, brings him to me then goes back to bed. He's awake for about 30 seconds, I'll feed the baby half asleep then put him back down. Every single night. At the weekends we take it in turns to get up with them and let the other one lie in. This way we both get enough sleep and we can't ever have the 'I'm more tired than you' argument because it's equally shared between us.

Our best laid plans are that the on duty parent will sleep on the sofabed in the nursery, and that we'll split shifts so that as far as possible, one parent handles the early parts of the night, the other the early parts of the morning.

Will it work? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, but not every night.

But we're both well familiar with being exhausted, and neither of us wants to inflict that on the other without trying our best.

@Coffeepott 's post should be printed and given out on every postnatal ward. Read it and read it again OP. It's about so much more than the sleep disturbance of the first few months.

My husband was exactly like this. He can sleep through anything. He never stirred when baby did and I also had to shake him away, wait for him to wake up etc etc and by the time he did baby was fully awake, as was I. This just stressed me out and I wasn't getting any more sleep so I took all the nights but he would get up with baby at around 6 and take them downstairs and I would then catch up on sleep, get a shower etc etc.

I know it sounds like accepting defeat but it was much less stressful for me, stopped arguments and I probably got more rest this way x

DH had a lot of trouble settling DS2, no idea
why, but none of us ended up getting sleep as baby would scream and our bedroom is next door. Only now at 13 months he can settle him (we did regularly try). Basically I just got him to take him on weekend mornings so I could lie in, got baby into a routine at 4 months so I could sleep at lunch, and made sure DH does more housework at the end of the day so I could go to bed early. It just wasn’t worth the arguments in the middle of the night, but we do have an older one so we are learnt the parenting responsibility balance that works for us by now.

Do the posters who argue that men are just 'wired' not to wake up to babies think that babies of same sex men just scream all night?

Men sleep through a crying baby because deep deep down (and possibly even at the front of their minds) is the misogynistic concept that it isn't really their job, and that someone else will do it if they don't.

Women whose husbands genuinely take a night shift, get up with the baby in a reasonable amount of time, don't see it as an opportunity to have a piss (what grown man can't hold it until the baby is back to sleep?), do their best to feed and settle (it's not rocket science) can sleep just as soundly. Because they know that another adult has it in hand.

But the OP isn’t breastfeeding so there is no reason the DH can’t feed.

Your situation isn’t comparable and yet your solution is to let the DH off the hook

How do adopted babies ever get fed at night?

Or babies staying with grandparents or other family members

Book yourself into a hotel somewhere, as he comes in the door on Friday, tell him it is all on him now and you will see him on Sunday and bloody leave. He expects you to do everything whilst looking after a baby now he can do it. Full responsibility for the baby over just one weekend. You deserve this break. Obviously it might be hard for you to leave your baby for a weekend but at least do a night with a lovely lie in. Cheaper if you can stay at a friend's house or your parents's house.

He is letting you down, if you cannot trust him to parent his own child where do you go from here? Selfish arsehole of a man.

@LittleBearPad im not letting the DH off. I’m saying that if splitting the night isn’t working for the OP and just causing issues, then don’t fight that battle. DH can support by doing other things such as getting up early with baby, taking baby during the day, doing more around the house etc.

Of course men and adopted parents can and do wake up with their babies. What others are is that the mothers who have birthed the babies have a biological response in the post partum days that means they tend to wake easier to the sound of the baby. That doesn’t last forever. It’s happened more than once now that I’ve slept through my kids waking and only find out when DH and they tell me in the morning.

I never understand why people advise going to a hotel - unless you're going to do this every week, it's not enough. You need regular rest. I would sleep elsewhere on his night. Put ear plugs in. Ignore. Leave it to him to deal with.

My DP is like this but you just have to resist the temptation to step in.

We had exactly the same set up and it did end up easier just doing it myself. We got to the stage that one of us would have to wait up til 11/11:30 for the last feed of the night to make sure he would only wake up once during the night. The agreement was supposed to be that he did this one and I would always do the night feeds on days he was working. Every time without fail he’d go to bed before this feed and ensure me he’d set an alarm. Most of the time he hadn’t so I was always on edge to check whether he’d got up or not. There were times he slept right through it and I’d then be up at 1 and 4 with the baby 🙄 It became more hassle than it was worth so I just did it and luckily we did have an easy baby so it wasn’t for too many months.

We’re about have another baby and I’ve tried to lay down the law a bit before this one arrives but I can already see exactly how it will go again 🙈

Why can’t Dad do the night feeds, while Mum supports by getting up early, taking the baby during the day and doing more things around the house?

🤦‍♀️ for this couple trying to split the night ISNT WORKING. Sure OP could force the issue OR she could just take over nights and DH takes on another job.

If splitting the nights isn’t working then don’t do it. Lesson 1 of parenting is pick your battles.

For me getting up in the night is the absolute hardest and worst thing about being a parent. I'm counting down the days until that stops with DD2. Some people cope well with disturbed sleep, but not everyone, and I'm definitely not one of them. So for me, it doesn't matter that it's a struggle and DP is rubbish at it - I still need him to persevere.

I did wrote a big reply and it vanished 🤦‍♀️ a couple of points to add...

1. We live in a one bedroom flat so going to sleep in another room isn't an option, there is literally nowhere else to go 😒.

1. We have been rotating sides of bed so whoever night it is is closest to the next to me crib - still makes no difference for him wakening up!

1. Appreciate the suggestion to just accept it and get him to pick up a task elsewhere but I have to say he does his share of housework, food shopping and regular time of day feeds/nappy changes so it isn't that he's not pulling his weight elsewhere - it is just the night feeds that are an issue!

1. I had taken on board the suggestion to discuss during the day rather than at night - tried that today and ended up in argument and us both barely speaking.

I'm so upset, all week I've looked forward to him being at home with us for the weekend and now the atmosphere is terrible. Thank you everyone for your replies though.

It isn’t working because the DH isn’t pulling his weight.

Sod getting him to do other stuff. This is what he needs to do.

Yes pick your battles - but this is a battle worth picking.

I’d go out OP and leave him to it.

Yeah me too - I would hugely resent DH if he wasn't willing to help me get some rest.

Parents of small children don't get to sleep soundly all night long, disturbed sleep is basically item one on the job description.

Ah that sucks OP. What's his argument?