Arguing about getting up with baby during the night

[Sunflower2023123]

We have a 4 week old baby. I get up for all night feeds during the week as partner works full time and is up and out the door early for work. Partner has a couple of times now offered to get up for feeds (formula fed baby) when it's a Friday night... this always ends up in arguments! Partner never gets up when baby actually stirs, I ALWAYS have to wake him and tell him and he takes ages to the point the baby stirring turns into full on crying and he always tells me to calm down. He does not seem to grasp that we must get up quickly as longer baby is left the more distressed baby gets. This also means the more distressed baby has become the longer it takes to get them back to sleep. Partner is also bad for getting up going to toilet first etc and asking me to hold the baby whilst he does this.

I often wind up getting up to "help" which results in me doing most the work. I also think it's unfair asking me to hold baby etc whilst he sorts himself out, when I get up in the night I don't disturb him at all and I also get up as soon as I realise baby is awake.

AIBU to expect him to get up ASAP with baby and not ask me to help? The whole point is to give me a chance to sleep for one night. I'm at the point I'm tempted to tell him not to bother helping as the arguments aren't worth it and I don't end up sleeping well anyways because I get so worked up after it all.

I always did night feeds because DH would sleep through the crying and he takes so long to wake up it was quicker for me to feed the baby and go back to sleep. He pulled his weight during the day though. He also let me sleep in when I wasn't working.

Absolute nonsense.

The 'advice' on this thread is a perfect illustration of what happens: men make such a hash of getting up that the women end up telling them not to bother and doing it themselves.

And there begins the pattern where the woman ends up as the default parent.

It isn't nonsense it's biology and instict but whatever!

i always got up for the night fed and dp had ds in the morning whilst I slept. Worked for us

Lots of good advice here - just to say I read the heading as 'arguing with the baby about getting up in the night' 🤣

And I'm definitely not advocating men getting away with not doing their share ! .

It isn't nonsense it's biology and instict but whatever

nope. It's a myth.

What is hardwired is being able to sleep when you know someone else is taking care of the baby's needs. Hence the man can sleep through undisturbed because he knows the woman will deal with it. The woman doesn't get that luxury because she knows the man is not doing what needs to be done.

My partner and I took it in turns to do the nights. I slept through without stirring on the nights he was on because I knew he'd get up straightaway.

Women need to stop perpetuating these myths that let men get away with being lazy parents.

If you sleep the same side as the baby swap on the nights he’s responsible for feeding or sleep somewhere else.

Don’t hold the baby while he goes for a wee.

Don’t help him. He holds down a job he can feed a baby. Yes the baby might not get fed quite as quick but 5 minutes more will not hurt them. If they then take longer to settle that’s on him. He’ll get better but he needs to practice.

What is hardwired is being able to sleep when you know someone else is taking care of the baby's needs. Hence the man can sleep through undisturbed because he knows the woman will deal with it. The woman doesn't get that luxury because she knows the man is not doing what needs to be done.

This ^^

Have a DH/DP who will get up and sort the baby out and you’ll find you can also sleep when you aren’t responsible or at least roll over and go back to sleep

A little bit defensive there, and doesn't make sense- if he was starting work in the early hours then he wasn't physically about for half the night anyway, but shows he can function during the night.

My husband was a bit like this so I did all the night feeds but I got a lie in on Saturday and Sunday, could this work for you instead?

Yep, as a baby all our daughter had to do was the slightest wiggle or tiniest noise and we would both be awake. No faux “oh I didn’t hear her”

Do not give in! My 3yo still doesn't sleep through reliably, the period where you're off and can do the bulk is relatively short, he needs to be on board with the night wakenings.

Don't talk about it during the night, no one is at their best in the middle of the night. We had a rule that we wouldn't take offence at middle of the night grumpiness and talk it through during the day.

Pick a time during the day when the baby is napping and things are calm. Explain that it stresses you out and makes things harder on him.

Even if you have to keep kicking him to wake up, and it wakes you, you'll still be lying down relaxing awake, not looking after the baby awake. He needs to be doing his share - and frankly one night a week with a formula fed baby is nowhere near his share, DH was up more than that and I breastfed.

Please expect more!

Can we have dome links to the science that backs up your assertions please? Because there's plenty of science out there regarding new mothers, hormones and sleep patterns.

I think you're better off going to sleep in another room and leaving him to get on with it in his own way. He needs to learn how to deal with the baby by himself and know that you trust him to do so. This will set up a good dynamic for the rest of DC's life. If you micromanage this, you'll end up the default parent with him doing nothing as he can do it 'right'.

This
my experience of trying the shot way Op is managing it, was ending up with PND .
second time round, I learnt. Husband and I took shifts and in separate rooms. One on “duty” was in with baby. Other was not to be disturbed on pain of illness, fire etc.

ok, by then my husband had got some experience of handling babies by himself, but OP, your dh won’t do this unless you force him. If needs be put a lock on inside of other bedroom to prevent him coming in

also, you simply won’t be able to relax and properly sleep if baby is in same room as you. You will wake more easily than him. You’ve got a lot of hormones running through you that ensure you do for your babies survival- right now as far as biology is concerned , Dad is dispensable. He doesn’t have those hormones etc that will make him wake as easily - it is more of a learnt response for Dads, unless they happen to be a light sleeper anyway. You’ve got to help him learn subconsciously in his sleep to wake at babies waking - and right now he ain’t anywhere close to that as subconsciously he knows you’ll be waking and then wake him . Stop it. No matter how bad baby gets in intensity crying (within reason and safety obviously). A few nights of him having to deal with it will start to alter his sleep and consciousness.

you’ll only be able to sleep through baby crying in a different room, a mindset of he can’t come in and it’s not my responsibility to sort out the issue. Put on some background white noise or music for first few night on your own so that it provides a constant noise for you to “un-tune” into babies cries. Don’t use ear plugs as they could stop you hearing a genuine emergency.

I’ve experienced it from both sides @kategrogen (wife had our first baby, I had our second) and it isn’t nonsense. Your brain and hormones change in the post natal period and you sleep more lightly and are much more attuned to baby’s little noises and cues. I slept through plenty of feeds and changes (unless prodded) with our first baby and my wife now snores happily through many a night feeding or changing session and when she does wake up is noticeably groggier than I am.

That’s not to say the non birthing partner can’t learn some of what is more innate to the partner who has given birth, or get up with the baby, but it might take them a little longer / the baby might have to be a bit louder before they wake up.

I breastfed so night feeds were all mine anyway. It’s clear that him doing feeds at night aren’t working to help so stop doing that.

instead he can either get up early with baby on weekends to let you lie in or he takes baby for an afternoon walk on weekends to allow you to nap.

You are, imho, both right

in early days yes mums have a lot of hormones (breastfeeding hormones don’t switch off at 4 weeks even if not breastfeeding) , so mums start with a physiological predisposition to wake easily. This becomes a learnt habit over time - even 40 years later 🤣🤣women tend to end up always being lighter sleeper for a very long time, then peri menopausal sysmtoms ramp up light sleeping agian just as kids are finally leaving home 🤣🤣🤣

but for dads , waking with baby is a learnt subconscious response. There’s no hormone booster to start with. Only way it’s going to happen is practice where sub consciously the know they don’t have the wing-women to hand who’ll step in to manage if they don’t wake up. Yep, they’ll be a few painful nights for everyone, but in long run it’ll end up in a happier family dynamic and everyone being less sleep deprived and resentful.

@PlumPudd i agree with this. If you take us back to our mammalian basics then it makes sense that the parent who had the baby and is providing the food gets intune with baby’s sleeping. A lot of women report that they find they wake up themselves just before baby starts to wake and stir.

Other parents can and do learn this, but I think it tends to follow when baby settles into more of a rhythm and parent follows that lead.

I massively sympathise as I had the same. My husband still sleeps through if our 3yo wakes up when he's sick or something. They sleep through Armageddon - I don't know how they do it.

I think you should swap night duty for another responsibility. Eg you do night wakings but he gets up at 7 and takes baby out for the whole morning every Saturday and leaves you to lie in / have a long bath. Is that possible with milk - ie can you express / bottle feed?

Another thread full of low expectations.

I hate getting up. Before kids I would sleep all day in weekends after late nights.

Guess what happened when I had children? I got the fuck up.

My DH covered nights even when working because in HIS words, it’s easier doing a desk job a bit tired than looking after a baby exhausted.

We also split weekday nights to minimise being totally ruined.

He’s being a twat. He’s got a child. He can get the fuck up.

Yeah I think it's natural that the parent who had the baby will wake more easily - but that's not an out for the other parent. One needs to learn to wake more quickly and be more alert, the other needs to learn to turn off that reaction and sleep through the wakening.

DH has always been an extremely heavy sleeper, he's gotten better since we had our first who's now five, but I do still need to wake him sometimes when the three year old wakes and it's his night to deal with it. I've gotten much better at not letting myself fully wake up so can now prod him until he's up while hardly waking myself.

Oh, and sleeping in separate rooms is not a death knell for intimacy. Once you’re ready for that physiologically, being tired and exhausted at night because you’re in same bed as him and doing all night feeds isn’t conducive to feeling like sex.
in truth by time you get to night time with a child under 2, it’s not exactly conducive to sexual intimacy - you’re too knackered, both of you (if he’s pulling his weight). Patience has worn thin, you’ll be pretty “touched out”.

that’s what baby day time naps are for- or a baby sitter when they’re a little older. Or that brief period early morning after baby’s first wake, when they’re back down again for a few hours, and at least you’ve both had some sleep.

Treat it like a military campaign - it’s not forever. Sleep is vital to you all. The most important thing for all your well-being’s, and your relationships. Once one of you gets sleep deprived for a long period, the shit will hit the fan, and your relationship will implode.