To cut off contact with inlaws

[Velondra]

In May I cut off husbands parents after what was the final straw for me.
Over the years they always tried to control me and his father on particular becomes very aggressive if he is defied in any way.
They've overstepped on numerous occasions and I've always let it slide for the sake of keeping the peace.
Earlier in the year they were verbally abusive, swore at me and we're very aggressive. The reason for this was that they didn't agree with a decision of made, it had nothing to do with them at all and their reaction was completely over the top.
I told husband I was done but that he should continue a relationship if he wanted that.
Since then they've left me alone but this week his dad turned up on the door step while my husband was away for work, his dad follows him on Google maps so knew he was away and I was alone.
I told him I didn't want to talk without my husband being there and when asked why I said because I won't tolerate being treated like that. His dad then became very angry and shouted at me "why are you so self centered" I shut the door and locked it as I honestly find him scary, as I shut the door he took a step forward to stop me closing the door but I was too quick thankfully.

Husband has been round tonight to talk to them and has come back and said he can see it from all perspectives etc and he always tried to explain away their behaviour.
He said he wishes things could go back to the way they were and he feel like he is stuck in the middle and at risk of upsetting someone no matter what he does.

This has left me feeling like the only way to make him happy and not feel like crap is to just let it all go and make peace, but this feel like I am having to allow myself to be treated badly just for his sake.

I don't know what to do, I love my husband so much but does that mean I have to allow people to mistreat me?
Help

I don’t know if peace could be made. It seems like the relationship has broken down irreparably from what you have described.

You might have been on the right lines with cutting contact but I understand it’s difficult to make that work if your FIL turns up on your doorstep and attempts to physically barge in!

I would stick with maintaining your stance on that, in the circumstances. If you keep closing the door then eventually FIL will get the message. FIL sounds really awful and I think it’s very odd he has a tracker on your dp.

No you don’t have to allow people to mistreat you, I’ve cut my in laws off for less than what yours have done. How dare your FIL make you feel unsafe like that, it’s appalling and rather strange. Tell your DH that if he does that again you will call the police, I don’t think that would be unreasonable. Your DH has to back you on this and I think he needs to enforce some boundaries with his parents because then tracking him on Google is also a massive overstep in my opinion.

Stay strong x

Clearly, you have the right to feel relaxed and comfortable in your own home and not be intimidated.
Clearly you have the right to go about your life without being criticised and sworn at.

I often roll my eyes on MN threads when people leap to "block them" "go no contact" etc., at the first slight, but I think YANBU from what you've told us here.

You've not tried to stop your dh seeing them, but you are drawing clear boundaries about how you expect to be treated.
I would be disappointed in your shoes that your dh wasn't backing you all the way.

Problem is my husband is like a flipping Vulcan, he is so logical and can take emotion out of things and see it from everyone's point of view etc, he is more concerned with figuring out why this has all happened rather than telling his parents their behaviour is unacceptable.

I've tried to explain to him that there is no way you can see this from their side, they verbally attacked me and I stood there and took it without saying anything nasty back as I would never disrespect his parents.

I think my issue is that he just won't validate my feelings on this and jumps straight to mr logical and he won't take sides etc etc

I think your fil is a complete dickhead.
What he did is unacceptable.
Does he think it’s fine for someone to do this to his wife? I doubt it.
Akso why in earth ha he tracking your dh? Is your dh 5?
What weird behaviour.
I would calmly say to your dh that you do not appreciate your fil treating you like dirt and he must not come to your house again. If he does you will call the police.
He is a misogynist which is why he has no reducer for you op.

• respect

Your FIL tried to intimidate you knowing your DH wasn’t there and tried to force his way in and your DH thinks this is ok? Why do his parents need to track him?

I did try and explain to dh that isn't it strange that these things always happen he isn't there almost as if it is calculated, but he can't see it that way. He keeps saying it's hard for him to understand because he wasn't there and didnt hear what was said but I told him word for word and it feels like he doesn't believe me.

The phone tracking is something his dad said would be helpful if we ever break down and he needs to help us, he used to track my location also but I stopped that. I did remove the permissions for Google maps for dh's phone too but then dh was upset because his dad got a notification saying he'd been removed, again he is more concerned with their feelings than mine.

It just feels pointless honestly as he is never going to support me

Tell him he can just activate the tracking if he does break down if that’s the reason, and ask him why does he think his FIL comes round if he knows he’s out?
Sorry it sounds like your DH is going to side with his parents, and it really is a choose them or me if it’s got to the stage your FIL wants to assault you. My in-laws were verbally abusive to me, so my DH loves me and has gone very low contact with them and has no interest in seeing them over me.

Your fil is a calculated aggressive bully. Your husband can have a relationship with them outwith your home, and your husband can tell them they are not to come to your house, period, ever.

Your marriage is doomed, op. Your husband doesn't support you, at all, and there's no getting beyond that. His family are clearly abusing you yet he refuses to back you up and acknowledge it. Everything about this is untenable.

You need to seriously consider ending this marriage, and I would certainly not bring children into it.

We've been married 15 years I can't end my marriage just because of them, he is my soul mate.
I honestly think he is damaged from his upbringing, id imagine he has been on the receiving end of their abuse too

My DP doesn’t support me where his parents are concerned either, it’s very disappointing and it really annoys me, but the way I’ve learnt to deal with it is just pretending they don’t exist. He has his relationship with them and I don’t. Our toddler DD can decide when she’s older. Can you ignore your in laws in a similar way?

If I say anything negative about them we have a huge argument. They were verbally abusive to me and made nasty comments about my appearance, amongst other things, and they’re horrible to my parents.

Get a Ring doorbell, then he can see any future footage.

I'm sorry you are having this same problem, it's encouraging to know that ignoring them can work.
Since may I have had no contact and my life has been better for it. I hadn't realised how much anxiety they caused me. I personally have felt that our marriage has been better too, we've got on so much better and it's felt like when we first met.

I've told dh that I want to carry on as we have been and he can sort out his relationship with them

Tell your DH that you need his emotional reaction, which is the authentic one, and not just his logical sees all sides one. He may not be able to feel his feelings if brought up by such awful parents however. But at least if he can acknowledge that he cannot feel or emote, it might be helpful to him realising he needs therapeutic help.

He needs to have your back and support you, and will likely need a therapist's help to disentangle himself first from his parents' world. Hope all goes well OP.

Your DH is a coward and pathetic! He is happy to dismiss your abuse and tries to gaslight you over it. You should get angry with him for being so disloyal!

Well, if that man ever turns up and threatens you again, I’d call the police.

The reason for this was that they didn't agree with a decision of made, it had nothing to do with them at all and their reaction was completely over the top.

What did they do?

I too, have wildly overstepping inlaws. Again, the FIL is worse.

As you know, your problem is your H. I’d refuse to have any sort of contact with them at all, ever again, personally. And get a doorbell so you can see who’s at the door so you needn’t answer if the mad bastard turns up and tries to intimidate you again.

Mine had a key cut secretly and I woke up to him letting himself in at the crack of dawn when my H was away. I think he was trying to catch me out in some way. Awful, awful man. Wouldn’t know an appropriate boundary if it jumped up and throttled him.

Another vote for a ring doorbell. Not only can your husband see what his father says, so can the police.

I hardly slept last night thinking about everything but dh slept like a log so maybe he really just isn't that bothered.
I was even thinking maybe we should go round there together and talk to them as he wants to "draw a line under it" but the idea of being in the same room as his dad makes me feel sick

@Hibiscrubbed has sensible advice. I feel sorry in a way for your DH to have a dad like that, but he should not be defending his behaviour.

He wants you to smooth things over with a man who physically intimidates you. He doesn't believe you, he doesn't validate your feelings.
I know you might not want to hear it but this is not how a soul mate behaves. Its how a coercive person behaves. He wants you to do whats bad for you to make his life easier.

Any soul mate of yours would be on your side not his parents. You are coming second.

It's convenient for your husband if you suck it up. Don't fall for all the logical calm explanations. Once you're discarded they'll start on him too

OP, you had a scary man at your door, verbally attacking you. When you moved to shut the door he moved forward. He chose a time when he knew you were alone.

This man has verbally abused you on at least one occasion previously.

If he turns up again, don't open the door, call the police.

Now, another problem. You have a DH problem. Vulcan or not, his duty is to be on your side - and he isn't.

And a third problem - you're submissive. I'm guessing this is cultural, or you're just an incredibly polite and nice woman.

What you do next depends on what you want for your future. If you must be a handmaid to these two men, it has to be your choice. And I don't think you are choosing it - from your posts, it seems you want something else.

Talk to Women's Aid.