To cut off contact with inlaws

[Velondra]

In May I cut off husbands parents after what was the final straw for me.
Over the years they always tried to control me and his father on particular becomes very aggressive if he is defied in any way.
They've overstepped on numerous occasions and I've always let it slide for the sake of keeping the peace.
Earlier in the year they were verbally abusive, swore at me and we're very aggressive. The reason for this was that they didn't agree with a decision of made, it had nothing to do with them at all and their reaction was completely over the top.
I told husband I was done but that he should continue a relationship if he wanted that.
Since then they've left me alone but this week his dad turned up on the door step while my husband was away for work, his dad follows him on Google maps so knew he was away and I was alone.
I told him I didn't want to talk without my husband being there and when asked why I said because I won't tolerate being treated like that. His dad then became very angry and shouted at me "why are you so self centered" I shut the door and locked it as I honestly find him scary, as I shut the door he took a step forward to stop me closing the door but I was too quick thankfully.

Husband has been round tonight to talk to them and has come back and said he can see it from all perspectives etc and he always tried to explain away their behaviour.
He said he wishes things could go back to the way they were and he feel like he is stuck in the middle and at risk of upsetting someone no matter what he does.

This has left me feeling like the only way to make him happy and not feel like crap is to just let it all go and make peace, but this feel like I am having to allow myself to be treated badly just for his sake.

I don't know what to do, I love my husband so much but does that mean I have to allow people to mistreat me?
Help

I didn't think I was submissive, in fact dh has told me I am controlling back when argued about his parents before.
He seems to be thinking of this as a choice either them or me but that isn't even what is going on, I'm just asking to not be involved with them and he carry on seeing them as and when he chooses. He knows asking me to smooth things over is selfish but he still said it but then said he isn't asking me to do that.
I'm so confused about all of this now, I've tried to explain to him that if it was the other way round I would defend him and if there was ever a choice I would choose him over anyone else including my family but I genuinely believe he wouldn't do the same and it's a horrible feeling

Good men don't tell you that you are controlling when you are trying to talk about problems that affect you.
Take The Freedom Program, and talk to Women's Aid.

The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I didn't think I was submissive, in fact dh has told me I am controlling back when argued about his parents before.

I think what made me think you could be submissive is your thought that you perhaps should smooth things over. You've already made a sensible choice by avoiding contact with them where possible.

I am sorry you are in this horrible position. My mind tends to run on and when I pictured your father in law at the door, I wondered what might happen in the future if he manages to force his way in. I don't think you are as safe as you should be in your own home.

@StopStartStop I almost want to go round together so that they can kick off Infront of dh and he will finally experience it but I think they are clever enough to not do that.
Dh did tell me that his dad won't come round again so I'm hoping that is true, after I'd locked the door I hid upstairs and my heart was thumping and hands were shaking, I wish dh could see what things like this do to me

Your FIL sounds a bit like my father - forcing his way in, verbally abusive if he doesn’t get his own way, trying to control decisions we made that were nothing to do with him, we weren’t stalked on Google, but often followed in his car. The only way was no contact. People like this do not change, infact they only get worse.
The fact your DH seems more swayed towards his parents side is worrying. If he can’t see his wife should not be spoken to like that then you have problems.
Your DH maybe more reasoned and seem balanced in trying to see it from all angles, but I think that’s just how it seems to you. It sounds to me like he wants you to just accept being mistreated by his father. That makes him as bad as his father, just more clever about it. If you back down now both your DH and FIL will see it as a win, and this will be your life.

@CinnamonBunAndCoffee thing is I know I cannot back down, I think about it and know it would make life easier but I physically cannot back down on this and i think it's because I have done absolutely nothing wrong so to back down is like I'm attributing blame to myself and I can't do that. I told dh this and he just says yeah I know, he said he feels like he is on a knife edge and no matter what he does or says he is at risk of losing someone

Earlier in the year they were verbally abusive, swore at me and we're very aggressive. The reason for this was that they didn't agree with a decision of made,

What decision? What did they say/do?

It's not really relevant, it was a small decision we made about something in our lives that didn't effect them in the slightest, they just didn't agree and this seemed to be the catalyst for them, I'd defied them for the last time and they flipped

@Velondra Your DH should be directing his frustrations at his father. His father is the one who has created this situation, not you. You shouldn’t have to put up with abuse to make life easier for your DH, your FIL should stop abusing you to make life easier for you all. Your DH needs to step up and speak to his dad, if he doesn’t that should tell you all you need to know about your DH.

Your DH need to realise that by ‘not taking sides’ he is taking sides - against you. In a case like this, ‘neutrality’ and ‘both sides’ing’ means the person taking that stance is supporting the abusers over the abused person.

That is also abuse but by your DH.

I understand you think he’s your ‘soul mate’ but what he is doing - trying to force you into the company of a man who tried to force his way into your house when you were alone - is abuse.

Not backing you up when his parents are verbally abusive - is abuse.

Telling you that your choice to avoid your abusers is ‘controlling’ - is abuse.

Pretending you are both equally at fault - is abuse.

You have a massive IL problem but, even though you don’t recognise it, you are also being abused by your DH. That may be down to childhood trauma due to being raised by abusive parents but that doesn’t mean the abuse isn’t happening.

Also this.

My in-laws are like this - not the physical part but I suspect my FIL would be like that if he lived close enough. He has said some unutterably spiteful things to me over the phone including something that led me to believe my DH was dead and it was absolutely deliberate. I offered to meet with them to try and salvage the relationship but they were absolutely adament they had done nothing wrong and everything was either a misunderstanding or they outright lied about things that had happened. But they demanded I do as I was told and continue to see them.

And from then I have had absolutely nothing to do with them. DH is more than welcome to go and see them (although he doesn't). I've felt so much better since. The horrible feeling of dread I'd have in the pit of my stomach everytime we were due to see them was horrendous.

Just don't see them Op. Especially if yourhusbabdlnd refuses to support you.

Why is it 'disrespecting' his parents to be assertive and establish reasonable boundaries? This is abnormal behaviour from FIL. Makes me think WTAF is your DH thinking enabling further abuse of his wife.

Meant to say - recognise the controlling aspect as well from the smallest of things like which post office we were going to to pick up a driving licence application to checking listings in our area and demanding we view houses they approve of when we were looking to buy. They live three hours away and yet they made our lives hell over the house we chose - demanding to come and see it, shouting down the phone at us. The one time they were allowed to stay they decided they didn't like a piece of furniture and just went out and bought a replacement while we were in work.

It is utterly bizzarre not to mention creepy.

My DH recognises the behaviour as awful but is conditioned to just go with it or avoid them.

I think you need a ring doorbell installed before your DH goes away again. Sounds like he won’t believe anything remotely difficult unless hit with indisputable evidence.

@Liverpool52 this is exactly what they are like too, and yes I think dh is conditioned to just grin and bear it.
His sister and mum used to let herself themselves into our old home and would rearrange everything, throw things out etc
They don't have a key to this house thank goodness.
His dad has also done things like that with house moves, he practically marched Sil to view a new flat even though she was quite happy where she was, all because he had decided that she should move.

It doesn't have to make sense to your dh, if you don't want to have contact with your in laws you don't have to, end of! All your dh has to do (of should do in a living relationship) is respect your decision.

OP, it doesn't matter whether you're in the right or not. With controlling people, just disagreeing with them is enough to make you wrong. This poem might be useful/relevant to describe the likely reaction from your FIL and the rest of his family if this situation progresses to violence (ie him hitting/shouting at you).

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

That poem is perfect!!
I got really upset last night when we were arguing/discussing it and I said to dh that the way he reacts about this makes me question my sanity, I keep thinking am I wrong, am I over reacting, did I do something, am I self centered is that why I've brought this on myself. The rational part of me knows that it's not my fault but his non committal attitude makes me question everything

If you are questioning your sanity, look up Gaslighting and see if he is doing this. It will be a learned response from his parents who are also playing the same game.

I'm sorry the poem fits so well!

At the end of the day though, it tells you that they do not experience the same reality as you (or rather, they will never acknowledge it). That does leave you in a very lonely position down the line. Do you have children? They will be roped in if so, eventually.

I think your DH is a people pleaser and lacks boundaries because his father especially sounds abusive. Your DP needs counselling.

@IScreamAtMichaelangelos yes older children thankfully so they can make up their own minds regarding contact and have their own opinions on this behaviour. I'm hoping that the way dh was last night was just him being upset after the conversation with them as he is acting normal today, I'm scared to bring it up in case it starts an argument again

You really need to get some counselling booked for you and your DH. His family dynamic is not healthy and he probably needs professional help to unpack what's really going on.

Your marriage won't survive if he stays on the fence, it's unsustainable. He's not your soul mate if he's willing to sit back and watch you be bullied. Sorry but those two concepts are not compatible.

OP he may be your soul mate but you aren't his. Given their treatment of you you're absolutely right to say you'll have no more contact with them. Hold your nerve and stick to it. DH doesn't get to tell you to smooth things over - he may want it but that doesn't mean he has to get it.

Whatever he says, he IS taking sides. This isn't a petty argument where it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. You are being verbally and physically abused but you have done nothing wrong other (in their eyes) than to live your own life. So he is not prepared to protect the bullied against the bullies. That's taking sides.

He won't look out for you so you have to. It doesn't matter if he's the way he is because of his upbringing, you don't have to put up with it.

Despite his supposed calm logic, is there any chance he's happy for you to take their flak because it deflects it away from him?