To cut off contact with inlaws

[Velondra]

In May I cut off husbands parents after what was the final straw for me.
Over the years they always tried to control me and his father on particular becomes very aggressive if he is defied in any way.
They've overstepped on numerous occasions and I've always let it slide for the sake of keeping the peace.
Earlier in the year they were verbally abusive, swore at me and we're very aggressive. The reason for this was that they didn't agree with a decision of made, it had nothing to do with them at all and their reaction was completely over the top.
I told husband I was done but that he should continue a relationship if he wanted that.
Since then they've left me alone but this week his dad turned up on the door step while my husband was away for work, his dad follows him on Google maps so knew he was away and I was alone.
I told him I didn't want to talk without my husband being there and when asked why I said because I won't tolerate being treated like that. His dad then became very angry and shouted at me "why are you so self centered" I shut the door and locked it as I honestly find him scary, as I shut the door he took a step forward to stop me closing the door but I was too quick thankfully.

Husband has been round tonight to talk to them and has come back and said he can see it from all perspectives etc and he always tried to explain away their behaviour.
He said he wishes things could go back to the way they were and he feel like he is stuck in the middle and at risk of upsetting someone no matter what he does.

This has left me feeling like the only way to make him happy and not feel like crap is to just let it all go and make peace, but this feel like I am having to allow myself to be treated badly just for his sake.

I don't know what to do, I love my husband so much but does that mean I have to allow people to mistreat me?
Help

As an aside - I would get a Ring doorbell so you can talk to any callers (or not) without going to the door. It also would have been recording whilst FIL was at the door and you could have shown that to your DH.

You don’t need for your H to understand or agree he just needs to appreciate that’s how you feel and you won’t be spending any time with them at all

Don't answer the door next time

I feel like your DH is likely "more concerned with their feelings" because they have more of an affect on DH than you. He knows you love him for him but his parents need to be placated in order for him to be "correct" in their eyes. The logic seeking is probably just his way of coping because if he gets emotional about it things will start to become intolerable.

I'd be telling your H that what happened is something you could go to the police about.

I'd also be insisting that the google tracking has to stop,

He doesn't have Vulcan logic by the way. He's gaslighting you.

You seem to be on tiptoes with your H. That's not healthy. Doesn't sound like the apple fell too far away from the tree....

Your FIL is abusive towards you directly and your husband enables it, and worse, makes you question your own feelings on it.

PIL won’t change even if you go around and talk to them, as you say, it will likely england tensions between you all and your husband doesn’t seem willing to make any adjustments or support you either.

Gently, most people wouldn’t tolerate this in their family, I’m sure many would find the situation a dealbreaker. You’ve stressed he’s your soulmate so if you’re not going to remove yourself from this then you need to at least have a plan in mind for how you move forward whilst protecting yourself.

Tracker on phone absolutely unacceptable. Insist that this is removed because it affects you, not just DH because it reveals when he is away and so you are alone. This must be removed, your FIL can be as "upset" (angry at losing control) as he wants. Your DH will have to see that this is a boundary that needs reinstating as difficult and awkward as that might be for him. FIL has created that awkward situation with his peculiar and aggressive behaviour. It is awkward to have to "Dad, I don't want you tracking my location," because it's such a weird thing to do in the first place! As you know, it's nothing to do with breaking down and all about control. I think you are right to be NC but your DH has to back you up and insist you are left alone.

Wanted to update, things are back to normal now as far as dh is concerned, he is acting like nothing happened and hasn't brought up anything that happened.
I'm trying to forget it but I'm struggling to get past it all.
At the moment I don't want him to touch me and I am short tempered, i don't know if I'm just still angry with him or if this is how my feelings are going to be now and it's damaged our relationship.
There's been no attempt at contact from his family thankfully and he hasn't been round there either which no doubt I'll get the blame for.

You have every right to be pissed off at your FIL and your h.
He's not being logical, he's putting his head in the sand because Fear-Obligation-Guilt and is outrageous to expect you to do the same.
It's far from logical to be ok with your spouse being ambushed and scared by your parents. Would he be as calm if a stranger had done the same? If you say you were scared, that should have been enough for him to tell his dad to back off because he trusts you and wants you to feel safe and happy.
I agree that it sounds like he doesn't care or believe your account and that he's not going to stick up for you because it suits him to pretend that everything is great. So sorry OP

Thanks for coming back to update, but this is no way to go forward.
I would have to tell dh what you have said in this post.

I'm guessing from some of the things you have said that this is a cultural thing which means your husband won't even try to deal with the abuse because it is not seen as abuse.
You are being disrespectful and although you know your place you will not behave yourself is what they think. You are rude to them and they become angry and almost physical.
It's up to you how you deal with it but unless your husband is on board you are fighting a losing battle and will have to fight it forever.

My husband's family live abroad. When I went with my children to visit they tried to take my money off me because it was 'his money' and not mine even though I worked and paid for the trip. They were horrible to me and told me I could go home - they only wanted to see the children. Needless to say we never visited again.

He really does as a minimum need to stop his FIL following him on a location tracker to know when you are on your own.

Im sorry things are still like this and you aren’t getting g the support from him. You were attacked by his father, no beating around it. If this had been a stranger do the exact same thing it would have been stalking and assault and you would have gone straight to the police.

Ask your DH if a stranger had tracked him to know when you were alone and did this what would he do?

I have confronted him on this and he just can't seem to believe that it was premeditated, his dad literally said "I know he isn't here" so he knew exactly what he was doing coming round

Definitely do it op. Horrible living in the fear of peoples treating you so badly and the gatekeeper is the Ive perosn suposed to love you

God help you OP.

Your denial is palpable.

Your husband certainly does not love you deeply.

His priority is himself 100%.

That he clearly chooses to disbelieve and doubt your word tells you everything.

Your highly abusive FIL deliberately tried to get into your home, and probably could have assaulted you, yet your husband calls you a liar on these facts.

His denial that your FIL deliberately targeted you when you were alone tells me he is bullying scum.

This would be a police matter if you weren't so ground down by your disloyal gaslighting husband.

You don't want him near you and are angry because your gut is screaming at you to protect yourself from your husband and his family.

His denial of the truth means he conveniently thinks he can call you a liar by default.

I cannot imagine the stress you have been under for years.

I would strongly suggest you call Womens aid, because you are in an abusive relationship with your husband and his family, and that you get some counselling.

Get that video bell and consider ringing 101 to report his father trying to push his way into your home.

You probably won't do this, but the best way to deal with bullys like him is to involve the police.

Get advice from Womens aid.

God help your children being raised within such a family.

Would you like your children to have inlaws like yours? A spouse that makes them feel they are going mad?

I would be devastated for my children to marry into such a family.

Listen to your gut, its screaming at you that that soul mate you mention is not a good man at all.

“again he is more concerned with their feelings than mine.”
This is 90% of your problem. He isn’t a logical Vulcan type, he’s simply terrified of his parents and will do anything to appease them, including essentially calling you a liar.