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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he will break up with me?

60 replies

sheworksintec · 28/07/2023 06:14

I am 31 and have been with my 33 year old boyfriend for 6 months now. We moved quite fast and I am essentially living at his although not officially. He bought me a desk to WFH, looks after my dog when I travel for work and has taken the dog as “his” too which is sweet, buys her presents and gear to keep her safe and enjoy walks etc. I still have my flat but it is more convenient at his and he encourages it.

We still have our independent lives and friends, which I think we’ve both kept up and respect.

Now the problem, a few weeks ago he said that he was under a lot of stress (hedge fund manager) and began acting a bit different but not too much so or in a worrying way. I also left for work in North America for a week.

We have now been on holiday for most of the week and he has been distant. He has a high sex drive usually but due to his apparent work stress he hasn’t wanted to have sex for 2 weeks. Then on holiday I thought we would, but the one time we tried he had ED. He has been very distant, on his phone (I don’t think talking to anyone), not responding to my questions or conversation starters and no affection.

I have become so aware of something not being right that I have become very anxious and unable to sleep. I have asked him outright if he is breaking up with me and he said that it’s just work stress and hasn’t reassured me much.

Last night he slept on the sofa in the hotel room but he said it was due to the mosquitos. The bed is opposite the sofa.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel hurt I’m being treated this way but also anxious as I don’t want to break up.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/07/2023 06:16

It could just be how he handles stress, but it does sound like he is pushing you away.

Ladybug14 · 28/07/2023 06:25

If this IS how he handles stress (by treating you distantly, not having sex etc) then he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be around

You've only known him for a very short time

If I were you, I wouldn't be needy and questioning.

I'd pack my stuff and take me and my dog back to my place and live there for a while

I understand that you don't want to break up with him but you do sound very passive and a bit pathetic over this

Why would you allow another adult to treat you in this way for weeks because of 'stress'?

Maybe think about getting some therapy to learn to increase your self worth?

Treat yourself with love and respect.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/07/2023 06:30

Thank goodness you have your own place to go back to. I would suggest giving him a bit of space for now. If he was going to leave me, I'd rather I was in the emotional safety of my own home. His behaviour has changed in the time you've known him, but of course you haven't known him long and you might be just seeing the real person.

GoodnightJude1 · 28/07/2023 06:34

Either way, if he wants to break up with you or not, this isn’t how adults treat someone they care about…stress or no stress. You’ve asked his outright and didn’t feel you had a clear answer. It’s not fair on you.

Pack your stuff up, take your dog and go home. He may just need some space to deal with whatever he’s stressed about and all will be fine. He may decide the relationship is over, who knows! But at least this way you’re taking back control.

Original poster
sheworksintec · 28/07/2023 06:34

I understand going to my own place and I will; but we are still on holiday! We move to a romantic hotel today. I’m unsure what to do and how to handle it? I just feel sick

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/07/2023 06:39

Can you leave the holiday? If you are able to pack your stuff and explain why you are leaving as you walk out the door hopefully he will either agree that yes it’s over, or realise how horrible he is being. I would go home regardless of what he says.

Original poster
sheworksintec · 28/07/2023 06:40

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/07/2023 06:39

Can you leave the holiday? If you are able to pack your stuff and explain why you are leaving as you walk out the door hopefully he will either agree that yes it’s over, or realise how horrible he is being. I would go home regardless of what he says.

I feel like this but also I am mad, I work such long and stressful hours (more than him) and this was a break I needed. It is still a place I would have come alone. But I just feel stuck. Realistically, I doubt I’d leave early and I think that I don’t want to force an ultimatum unless that’s what’s needed?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/07/2023 06:41

I think the only thing you can do is to ask him to be completely honest and tell you what's really going on. I really doubt he will tell you though.

moose62 · 28/07/2023 06:45

If it is genuine stress I woukd say nothing, act as if everything is normal and try and enjoy the holiday. Questioning him and being anxious all the time could make the stress worse but if left alone it might recede. if it continues once you are home then it is time to move home and forget him.

Apprenticenomore · 28/07/2023 06:45

Just ask him straight out…if the answer is unsatisfactory then go to a different room/hotel and finish the holiday alone and leave him to sort himself out if that’s what you need.

StopStartStop · 28/07/2023 06:45

He's a coward and won't say he wants to split.
Raise it with him again. Tell him you are ok with moving out of his place, and mean it.
If he continues in the same way, keeping you on edge, not allowing the two of you to be close, leave him anyway.
Life is too short for this nonsense.

StopStartStop · 28/07/2023 06:46

And don't go to a 'romantic hotel' under these circumstances!

Justashley · 28/07/2023 06:50

the one time we tried he had ED
.
Stress can cause this in some men, do you think he's smbatessed by it? Not that he should be of course but many men are.

lking12 · 28/07/2023 06:51

When does the holiday end? To be honest I used to be in a relationship like this and I have no idea why I put up with it, I’d be so anxious I’d feel ill. The way he’s dealing with stress is emotionally shutting down and effectively rejecting you. Personally I would;

Sit down and tell him you’re not having a great time, if he’s still stressed on holiday it’s ruining things for you and also making you stressed as well, see if you can have a heart to heart and open up.

If you don’t want to go home can you do a few things on your own to sort of salvage the holiday- have a spa treatment, go sightseeing alone- just get a good book and ignore him?

Your relationship shouldn’t really be making you feel this way. It might have been a great 6 months but ruining a holiday and leaving you anxious and upset is a sh!tty way to make someone feel. When my husband or I are upset we talk it through a bit (he’s not that talkative though) and we might be a bit quiet but we don’t effectively take it out on the other person.

Ladybug14 · 28/07/2023 06:53

I agree it's annoying that he's choosing to put you through this on your precious and much needed holiday

Yet another reason to get away from him and his bad energy

If i wanted to continue with the holiday, I'd do things on my own and avoid him.
Of course, it won't be as good as you'd expected the holiday to be (because you wanted to be with him), but make the most of it

Have massages, facials, pedicures. Go for lovely walks, take photos, visit wonderful places. Eat yummy food. Sit somewhere beautiful and read.

This holiday, like your whole life, is about YOU making your life as perfect as possible for YOU.

Don't allow others to spoil things for you

lking12 · 28/07/2023 06:53

Don’t be afraid of a break up though. If it happens it’ll be for the best.

Tapasgoofy · 28/07/2023 06:57

Just enjoy your holiday as much as you can.

When you get back split up from him and move back home. He doesn’t want to be with you.

Poorlysister · 28/07/2023 06:58

OP this very much sounds like how my DH handles stress. It’s horrible and it doesn’t improve. You won’t change it. Get out before you get even further in, it only gets worse with kids and marriage!

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/07/2023 06:59

if he’s pulling away, let him. Give him all the space - ALL of it. Be strong, OP. This kind of shit behavior needs to get absolutely no reaction out of you, then you’ll be able to see more clearly whether it’s a red flag or not, with a little time.

I think it’s a huge red flag. This kind of hot and cold behavior is not going to be easy to live with. He’s showing you who he is.

EmmetEmma · 28/07/2023 07:01

I agree with *@Ladybug14 . If you can’t leave make it the best holiday you can for you.

Throw yourself into the things you want to do and don’t ho to him for reassurance.

Hopefully that might even encourage him to join in - but at some stage after the holiday it might be worth appraising whether you want to be hostage to someone’s moods like that long term.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 07:11

Could he have cheated while you worked away?

JudgeRudy · 28/07/2023 07:17

I'd hazard a guess that it is workthat is stressing him. The way this is presenting is that he has minimal mental energy for other stuff....ie you. It's not unusual for people under stress to want to be left alone.
His stress could be transient and will pass soon, or it could be in relation to something very big eg he is about to loose everything!
We tend to handle stress in predictable ways. His way might be to cut communication and 'be alone'. If you can deal with him when this occurs (because it will again) go for it, but play your part in supporting him. Don't keep asking him if he's going to dump you, that's gonna add to his problems. Acknowledge his stress, reassure him and back off.
If you are unable to support him and his stress compounds your stress, then consider if your communication styles are compatible.

Iwaskitty · 28/07/2023 07:17

I wondered if he has cheated too, or is messaging someone else? Agree, though, if it is work stress then do you really need this at this stage in a relationship?

I'd probably say something tbh. Wouldn't leave the holiday - if he's miserable and doesn't want to be there, let him leave you to it.

Aprilx · 28/07/2023 07:23

Unfortunately I think he is pulling away and work stress is an excuse. As you are not enjoying the holiday as it is, come home, or find separate accommodation for the last few days. I wouldn’t press him to discuss it again, you already tried that, I would back off.

xPeaceXx · 28/07/2023 07:30

Uncertainty is awful. It is worse than the other person just finishing it.

Thank goodness you still have your own place.

This level of communication/honesty isn't good enough for you so you could be the one to end it.

Then you'd be able to move on.