To think he will break up with me?

[sheworksintec]

I am 31 and have been with my 33 year old boyfriend for 6 months now. We moved quite fast and I am essentially living at his although not officially. He bought me a desk to WFH, looks after my dog when I travel for work and has taken the dog as “his” too which is sweet, buys her presents and gear to keep her safe and enjoy walks etc. I still have my flat but it is more convenient at his and he encourages it.

We still have our independent lives and friends, which I think we’ve both kept up and respect.

Now the problem, a few weeks ago he said that he was under a lot of stress (hedge fund manager) and began acting a bit different but not too much so or in a worrying way. I also left for work in North America for a week.

We have now been on holiday for most of the week and he has been distant. He has a high sex drive usually but due to his apparent work stress he hasn’t wanted to have sex for 2 weeks. Then on holiday I thought we would, but the one time we tried he had ED. He has been very distant, on his phone (I don’t think talking to anyone), not responding to my questions or conversation starters and no affection.

I have become so aware of something not being right that I have become very anxious and unable to sleep. I have asked him outright if he is breaking up with me and he said that it’s just work stress and hasn’t reassured me much.

Last night he slept on the sofa in the hotel room but he said it was due to the mosquitos. The bed is opposite the sofa.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel hurt I’m being treated this way but also anxious as I don’t want to break up.

There are some rather unkind responses on here, OP. Regardless of the length of time you have been with this man, I and many others, know how you will be feeling, especially given its intensity with living arrangements, holiday etc. It’s rough and I’m sorry this is upsetting you. But now back to you.

To echo the good advice on this thread, take back some control here. Decide how the rest of this holiday is going to pan out for you and how you can salvage the best time you can have under the circumstances. Allow his behaviour to show up as a warning sign of how you don’t want to feel in any romantic relationship - irrespective of its length - and proceed from there. And sleep, eat, exercise etc.

He is showing you who is is, OP. You can show him that isn’t good enough for you by asserting yourself.

Are you still on holiday OP? If so, concentrate on doing nice things for yourself.

I wouldn't wait around for him to make his mind up, even if he is stressed then he has handled it badly, and if he isn't sure about the relationship he should have either cancelled the trip or given it a proper go instead of dragging you along and leaving you anxious and having to try and get the truth out of him.

I'd say to him 'sorry you're having a stressful time at work. From what you say, it doesn't sound as though you're definitely sure you want to be with me and that's the minimum I want from a relationship at this stage. If this is incorrect then feel free to let me know but I won't be feeling anxious waiting for you to end things formally. Your behaviour over this holiday has told me enough'.

6 months in, I wouldn't be expecting this level of hot and cold towards you over normal work stress (you don't mention a particular incident).

That takes control, leaves him the opportunity to grab you back if he genuinely wants to continue and offers him an easy way out if he doesn't. Not that you should have to but better than hanging on wondering

OP if you can change the tickets and can afford it, go home now. Honestly. You will drive yourself mad for the remainder of the holiday otherwise. I've been in a relationship with a man like that and that's exactly what I would do - and what I should have done back then. Get yourself away from there, it's hurting you

Oh love, ignore the people saying you are intense - it’s perfectly normal to be gutted when you’ve been in a relationship for six months and thinking you’ve really gelled and then it suddenly goes tits up.

it isn’t you, let it go - almost certainly you caring this much has given him a sort of avenue to take which means he doesn’t need to take full responsibility for this stress. Was he upset when you said you would have some time apart?

you can be so much happier than this - grieve and move on. Also take control - you aren’t losing anything by calmly explaining why this won’t work for you. If he’s the right man who has genuinely been a shit and realises it etc he will apologise and accept responsibility but you do not want to be living this way with babies and all the other stress life throws you

I would give him some space, maybe a week/ ten days. Then send him a message, plenty of empathy and understanding aboytbhuscstress, but that this situation is also causing you stress and you need him to clarify things. Then if he cannot respond with some warmth and reassure you, I think you need to accept he is nit your person. I do wonder if hrvisvin the brink of loosing his job/ has lost it, to be behaving so differently.

Yeah I think this.
At the moment it's all under his control - you need to think what's in your control and what you can do. You might have to sacrifice some of this trip in order to stand your ground. Whatever his issues are it's unacceptable he's ruining your trip over not

He might be very depressed . You need to look after yourself and focus on you now go get some nice food and book a massage for tomorrow.

IF you do break up it will be a lucky escape if that's how he handles stress - I had a guy like this and look at my username to see how that worked out

Hi - I have an update.

The holiday ended on Sunday and we flew back, I went to my parents (where dog is) for some space. I took Monday off work last minute to have a breather. I treated myself and tried to remain distant from him.

He has been texting more though, saying “love you” in them (I’ve not responded to this) and talking about films, asking to still look after the dog whilst I go out with friends later this week (I’ve said no). But ultimately, he is trying to have conversation over text and far more than he ever attempted in person on holiday!

for background to the rather unkind comments, this isn’t my first relationship. I was engaged previously and living together but COVID brought out the worst in him and I ended it - we sold our house and have moved apart. We had two dogs, one went with him and I have the other. We became amicable but since he has blocked me, I assume so that he can really move on, whereas I went head first into dating. I have dated a few people since our split (almost 2 years ago) but more as a fling and I didn’t have feelings. My current DP changed my perspective on everything, he was so kind and thoughtful, perhaps even love bombing? But I felt love and safety that I never have before even though my ex was a lovely person who never did any real wrong, he just wasn’t his best self during the end and I think we are better people without each other.

6 months is a short time to get to know someone, and moving in almost, sharing a dog etc is a lot to handle. It could work out, you could go back to yours more often, see him less, be less domestic and start dating again.

A bit of time away is a good idea, maybe try to go on a date next time you see each other- just a couple of hours and then go home seperately.

Space and time away is for the best. I wouldn't totally write him off just yet, but I would make it crystal clear that you won't put up with the behaviour he displayed on your holiday. He needs to open up and talk to you and work through problems as a team, and vice versa. If he can't do that, I wouldn't move forward with the relationship.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on, though 👍