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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he will break up with me?

60 replies

sheworksintec · 28/07/2023 06:14

I am 31 and have been with my 33 year old boyfriend for 6 months now. We moved quite fast and I am essentially living at his although not officially. He bought me a desk to WFH, looks after my dog when I travel for work and has taken the dog as “his” too which is sweet, buys her presents and gear to keep her safe and enjoy walks etc. I still have my flat but it is more convenient at his and he encourages it.

We still have our independent lives and friends, which I think we’ve both kept up and respect.

Now the problem, a few weeks ago he said that he was under a lot of stress (hedge fund manager) and began acting a bit different but not too much so or in a worrying way. I also left for work in North America for a week.

We have now been on holiday for most of the week and he has been distant. He has a high sex drive usually but due to his apparent work stress he hasn’t wanted to have sex for 2 weeks. Then on holiday I thought we would, but the one time we tried he had ED. He has been very distant, on his phone (I don’t think talking to anyone), not responding to my questions or conversation starters and no affection.

I have become so aware of something not being right that I have become very anxious and unable to sleep. I have asked him outright if he is breaking up with me and he said that it’s just work stress and hasn’t reassured me much.

Last night he slept on the sofa in the hotel room but he said it was due to the mosquitos. The bed is opposite the sofa.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel hurt I’m being treated this way but also anxious as I don’t want to break up.

OP posts:
andfinallyimhere · 28/07/2023 07:35

He's taking his stress out on you and that's really unfair. When you're in a healthy relationship you talk to your partner when you're having a bad time, not treat them like an inconvenience.

At the moment the has all the power because he's controlling you and the situation with his moods. Time to take the power back! You've asked him what's wrong and he's not given you a decent answer so as hard as it is, act normally and throw yourself into enjoying your holiday. If it were me I'd honestly say 'you obviously need some time alone' and then book myself into another hotel room. And then go and have a massage, drink cocktails and have a lovely time. Easier said than done I know, but having been in a relationship with someone who was moody and uncommunicative, I have no time or energy for people like that any more and I refuse to be controlled by someone else's moods.

Mummy08m · 28/07/2023 07:37

I think the ED is more a symptom of stress than wanting to break up with you. Wanting to break up with someone doesn't usually affect a man's erectile function.

I think he sounds stressed.

I agree with moose62, just try and enjoy the holiday for now and reassess when you get home. Don't push him for answers now, what's the point, it's just ruining your own holiday.

Act as if you're on holiday with a family member - go off and do your own thing sometimes, maybe just hanging out for meals. Enjoy the resort etc.

Deafdonkey · 28/07/2023 08:10

If this is only work stress (only as in he isn't planning to break up with you) then honestly run. If this is how he treats you in the honeymoon period just imagine what it will be like 10 years down the line (I wish MN was around when I first met my husband)

coloursquare · 28/07/2023 08:43

Split up with him. Even if you do stay together, there isn't enough here to maintain a marriage/life relationship. Life is full of stress! Work, illness, children etc.

Choose someone who wants to walk that path alongside you, not push you away.

Don't give him so much power. You deserve better.

Ella31 · 28/07/2023 09:21

lking12 · 28/07/2023 06:53

Don’t be afraid of a break up though. If it happens it’ll be for the best.

100 percent agree with this. If this is the course he is on, the non emotional you would never be behaving like you are now. It's so hard though and I've been there, you end up driving yourself crazy.

YeahIsaidit · 28/07/2023 09:27

It does just sound like he's stressed and going into himself a little, stress can result in a lower sex drive and ED, it doesn't sound like he's pushing you away at all.

I'd avoid following pp advice and telling him that he's ruining your holiday and asking him if he's breaking up with you etc etc as that will make things worse, adding more stress to a stressed head. Carry on as normal, enjoy your holiday and stop being so needy

TheGreenSketch · 28/07/2023 09:32

I hate to mention the phrase love-bombing, but I do wonder if that’s what’s happened here. Go back to your own place and see how it goes, but don’t at all be afraid of it ending. If it does, it’s absolutely for the best.

lking12 · 28/07/2023 09:42

YeahIsaidit · 28/07/2023 09:27

It does just sound like he's stressed and going into himself a little, stress can result in a lower sex drive and ED, it doesn't sound like he's pushing you away at all.

I'd avoid following pp advice and telling him that he's ruining your holiday and asking him if he's breaking up with you etc etc as that will make things worse, adding more stress to a stressed head. Carry on as normal, enjoy your holiday and stop being so needy

But what? Keep putting up with this behaviour if it happens again and again?!

Whether he’s consciously doing it or not her acting like an a$$hole and is probably waiting for OP to take the initiative and call it a day.

neverbeenskiing · 28/07/2023 10:01

Act as if you're on holiday with a family member - go off and do your own thing sometimes, maybe just hanging out for meals. Enjoy the resort etc.

I understand the logic behind this advice because trying to force a romantic holiday with someone who is miserable, distant and doesn't want sex with you sounds intolerable. But equally I would feel really sad and a bit awkward having to "do my own thing" and basically act like we weren't a couple, in what should be the honeymoon phase of a relationship. I don't think I could do it.

I would be very matter of fact about it, "look, you really don't seem to be enjoying this holiday, so either tell me what's wrong and let's talk about it like adults, or we should just cut the holiday short and go back home". If it's the latter then as soon as we got back I would pack up my stuff, take the dog back to my own place and tell him to call you when he's ready to have a proper conversation about what's going on.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 29/07/2023 03:38

sheworksintec · 28/07/2023 06:40

I feel like this but also I am mad, I work such long and stressful hours (more than him) and this was a break I needed. It is still a place I would have come alone. But I just feel stuck. Realistically, I doubt I’d leave early and I think that I don’t want to force an ultimatum unless that’s what’s needed?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t force an ultimatum, but I wouldn’t sit around being upset I would just leave.

If you don’t want to leave, get up early and go out for the day on your own. You are giving him too much power over you.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 05:35

Ladybug14 · 28/07/2023 06:25

If this IS how he handles stress (by treating you distantly, not having sex etc) then he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be around

You've only known him for a very short time

If I were you, I wouldn't be needy and questioning.

I'd pack my stuff and take me and my dog back to my place and live there for a while

I understand that you don't want to break up with him but you do sound very passive and a bit pathetic over this

Why would you allow another adult to treat you in this way for weeks because of 'stress'?

Maybe think about getting some therapy to learn to increase your self worth?

Treat yourself with love and respect.

This.

Why let him determine your fate?

He's treating you with distance and rudeness. Don't beg for attention, just leave. And don't move so fast with the next person.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 29/07/2023 06:20

He could just genuinely be really stressed with work. My husband had a couple of months of ED in his late twenties due to work stress. He ended up cracking, having to take a month off work and despite now having a much more high pressure job has much higher resilience 10 years later. He too was really distant and self absorbed at that point but he did come back from it.

The point is, it could genuinely be work stress!

Lalabright23 · 29/07/2023 07:03

Could you get another room in the hotel so you don't have to leave, but you're not having to be around him at the moment? It'll give you both space to breathe, and a sensible conversation back at home can be had afterwards? I don't think I would leave the holiday early, but I'd certainly just do my own thing and leave him to his funk.

It could be stress, it could be something else. It doesn't really matter. The point is, that his behaviour is making you feel negatively and he's not doing much to open up and talk.

It's fine not to be OK with that and it's not your job to "fix" him whilst you're meant to be enjoying a well earned break from your own life.

Anothernamethesamegame · 29/07/2023 07:09

I’d sit down with him, tell him you’ve noticed a change in his mood and behaviour and ask him to talk to you about it. if he can’t do that then, like others, I’d consider ending the relationship anyway. It’ll be a long life of hard work living with someone unable to speak through any issues.

I don’t think he necessarily wants to break up with you, he could be depressed …do he have any history of depression? Or could he be in the midst of a break down due to work being so much?

whatever the problem is….it’s not good if he won’t talk to you about it. Not a good sign for the future. At least if you know you can support and understand if it is something you can live with.

Mummy08m · 29/07/2023 08:02

You will have to sit him down and talk about it at some point but I think it's pointless to do that before the end of the holiday. It's just ruining your own holiday - instead you could make the best of the holiday by doing your own thing and then talk to him about it on the way home.

Slothmomma · 29/07/2023 08:13

Do you think he's trying to make you finish things as he doesn't want to be the "bad guy"?

My exdh started treating me differently, seemed off, I questioned it, he put it down to work stress. He then did things he thought would piss me off enough to make me end things (such as staying out all night). Turned out he'd been shagging a week colleague for the past 6 months and was getting ready to leave but would have preferred for me to bring it all about instead of him having to do it (we had 3 very young children).

Treacletoots · 29/07/2023 08:31

It took me a long time to learn this but here it is.

Tolerate 0 fuckwittery from your partner. Particularly in the first year, which is supposed to be the honeymoon period.

Personally I think he's had his head turned but didn't have the guts to cancel the holiday.

I'd be checking out of the same room.as him and telling him you won't be disrespected. Being needy or clingy is an absolute turnoff and will only push him away further. Google relationship 180 and see what I mean.

Original poster
sheworksintec · 29/07/2023 15:05

Hi all,

An update!

I kept getting worse and haven’t eaten in days. We eventually spoke. He said that something is wrong but he doesn’t know what, he is also confused about the sex part and not wanting it like usual. I said I would go to my parents for a bit and we’d have some space which he agreed.

I assume we will break up when back. I’m devastated.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 29/07/2023 15:36

Could he leave and go home?
Or get seperate rooms?
Don't let his behaviour leave it's negative mark on you.
You've done nothing wrong. It's his problem and you need to protect yourself from his negative vibes by distancing from him physically and emotionally.
If he hasn't cheated and is feeling guilty, but too much a coward to confess, then he's showing you how it will be living with him in the future when stress crops up again in his life. Is this someone you want to live with?
Is he having a nervous breakdown?

coloursquare · 29/07/2023 16:14

I mean this very kindly as I made loads of mistakes with men in my twenties!

Don't waste time not eating for days, going into self-destruct mode. Don't waste time analysing his weird behaviour.

Split up with him now, even if it means travelling home alone. Eat well and keep yourself fit and healthy.

Grieve the relationship and move on - great things will await you, but this is now just a waste of your precious time. We aren't on this earth very long!

OnAWobblyFence · 29/07/2023 16:30

Is this your first boyfriend? This level of angst and obsession, the not-eating for days, all because a very brief (and 6 months is very brief by relationship standards) fling did not work out is not normal or healthy. It reminds me of my teenage years and my first boyfriend ending things. Accept that there is probably no more life left in this and move on. You’re not married, have no children together, are not living together so moving on is very easy. Focus on yourself. Never stop eating because of a bloke!

Learn from this not to go so far so fast next time.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 29/07/2023 16:49

sheworksintec · 29/07/2023 15:05

Hi all,

An update!

I kept getting worse and haven’t eaten in days. We eventually spoke. He said that something is wrong but he doesn’t know what, he is also confused about the sex part and not wanting it like usual. I said I would go to my parents for a bit and we’d have some space which he agreed.

I assume we will break up when back. I’m devastated.

You sound very intense - why on earth are you self-sabotaging to the extent that you're not sleeping and haven't eaten in days?

You barely know this man - I mean, you've only been together for six months. That's nothing, and yet he seems to have a hell of a lot of power over your behaviour. In the nicest way, I think you need to take some time out to think about why you're letting this virtual stranger control your behaviour to such an extent.

I've been where you are and it's not healthy. It also makes the entire relationship incredibly unhealthy and unbalanced.

Spainsun · 29/07/2023 17:10

Hi Op

i went through exactly the same a few weeks ago

ex was distant and blaming work

I believed him

but he was pulling away and eventually dumped me

get ready for the inevitable

have you friends and family in real life who can support you? keep yourself busy

MatildaTheCat · 29/07/2023 17:36

I’m sorry to read your update. Does he have a history of short relationships? Maybe he has commitment issues which are his issues and not personal to you?

The relationship may not be over but if you do recover please ensure it’s on your terms. Communication is key and going silent and distant is a very poor way of conveying your feelings.

Best wishes for the best outcome for you.

thepriceiswrongbutonlyabit · 29/07/2023 17:50

I'd be asking HIM to go home/check into another hotel. A few days to yourself might be just the tonic to prepare for moving out/officially breaking up.
Be strong, it wasn't meant to be.

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