20 year old lazy, dirty son

[PissedOff2020]

Really at my wits end. Sorry this is a lengthily one.

We have 4 boys, eldest is 20 & dropped out of Uni after the first term - well over 18 months ago now. He didn’t tell us of course, had 5 weeks off over xmas and made no attempt to look for work. When we eventually found out and asked why the hell he hadn’t been looking for work he said he ‘wanted to chill and have the xmas break’. He was 19 then.

Mu husband eventually found him a job 2 months later, as ds’s effort was non existent. Zero hours contract and all good at first. His room was a dirty,dirty hovel with a smell coming out (think plates, food, rubbish etc all over floor). Carpet ruined, walls filthy.. clothes all over floor - can’t even open door there is that much shit. Anyway, that’s been a constant cause of arguments in house - just clean it ffs! He’s just got worse with that, we are quite house proud and I resent the smell upstairs- it’s a joke. He never contributes to household chores, despite countless conversations about it. Just does the bare minimum to get by.
Faat forward to now, his zero hours is currently working out at 8 hours a week. Been like that for 3 months and he’s not bothered to look for a job. We’ve told him he needs full time job, job hunted for him, sent him linked to apply - he does nothing. He sleeps all the time and games all night, sat in his filth.
Took him abroad last month, in the hope to speak to him away from the augments at home and also let him see life outside his bedroom. He slept all day, total waste of money. When I spoke to him about it he couldn’t see any issue with staying in his hotel room all day.
Over the last 2 months he’s got even worse, doesn’t even speak to us. Literally walks in a room and ignores us - we say hello, he has headphones on and so can’t hear anything, but makes no effort to acknowledge us etc. He eats meals if we cook, otherwise lives off sandwiches and cereal.
I have had enough, it’s intolerable. Constant tension and frustration in the house over it. Spoke to him and said I felt like he was treating us like doormats and he has no gratitude for what he has and enough was enough. Told him, the atmosphere in the house with him ignoring us was awful, just made us feel like he doesn’t give a shit about us. Asked why he wasn’t applying for jobs, he shrugged his shoulders. Told him we are not working our arses off, both working full time, for him to work a day a week and sleep all day. Then do not a thing around the house and blank us in the process.
Eventually it finished in a huge row after he snarled he’d apply for jobs but we shouldn’t speak to him at all anymore. Genuinely like he was angry we expected him to work. To add, even before his hours were really slashed he’s only ever worked around 25-30 hours per week at best. He’s had it so easily but he hasn’t a single bit of appreciation. We’ve spoken to him a year ago when he said he was unhappy at work - suggested all sorts, he was going to look into things but he never did.
I just don’t know what to try next. Explained to him over and over before yesterday this is his chance to build his career, we are supporting him whilst he does that. He’s not though, he is quite happy to do nothing and wait until it’s at breaking point - which is where I am at.
Anyone been here? Any advice from any others?

You don't have four boys. You have three boys and one grown man who acts like a boy.
I can absolutely guatentee you one thing because I have seen it happen over and over and over, this man will be exactly the same in another 20 years if you do not give him an absolutely massive boot up the arse right now.
My mum was far too harsh with me, and pushed full independence far too early. She charged me extortionate rent from 16 and made me sign a lease to stay in my bedroom. The money she demanded from me was so high I couldn't afford college or uni and then she kicked me out when I couldn't afford it. Im still recovering form the knock-on effects. So I would NEVER advocate too harsh treatment for young adults but treating them like children, cooking for them and taking them abroad does them no favours. In his mind - why should he change? What for exactly? He will always have food, security, a place to live, no bills to pay? Why change?
Start taking things away now. Change the password on the WiFi and connect all other devices except his to it, do not cook for him, don't wash his clothes, don't buy anything for him etc etc. He earns these things from now on or he can go out into the big bad world and earn them himself. You're not a free hotel but you will be treated like one until you are old if this continues.

If you turn off the home WiFi, noone can access it. The only other way you could do it is to put a password on and not tell him it. But each time he co-operated you would have to change it to something new for next time.

You just change the password. Then reconnect everything you want connected, leaving off the devices you don't.

Hi a neighbour of mine had the same issue took her son to doctors and at the age of 20 he was diagnosed autism and numerous other things maybe worth a try get him to see a doctor m6be more going on than he's willing to let on I know it sounds far fetched but maybe it will help he might open up to somebody else. I have a 13 yr old that has a lot of health problems refuses to wash doesn't care about appearance constant battle with him I know how it feels to just want to help and encourang Ur child since my own son had counselling someone else to talk too he opened up a lot and his attitude has changed towards things but honestly if all has failed try get him to speak to doctors it might help xx

His mother finally decided to step up and took him to the hospital for treatment. He was being threatening and locked all the doors and wouldn't let me turn the lights on one night, then another occasion tried to drag my dog out of the house with him, the dog ended up biting me by accident in the struggle to get him back.

From what I hear he is no longer with his mum and I don't know where he is or how he is doing now. It's very sad. I'm not with his dad and wasn't at the time he was living with me. He just wouldn't respect the rules of my house before all this, similar to what the OP is going through and he wouldn't allow me to help him.

Women ask why do men treat me so badly……because you allow them to. This is no different, you are allowing this behaviour. He is not a child he is a grown man. Put your foot down give him a deadline to change his behaviour otherwise he has move out. If he has nowhere to go that is his problem. He has to stop smoking weed which is probably not helping.

My son was similar for a while in his late teens. Nothing got through to him, he was depressed and angry and frustrated and everything he tried he failed at, and every failure would make his self esteem lower in a spiral of hopelessness. It was soul destroying for me, and for him too, of course. Fortunately he had a wonderful friendship group who did not abandon him. But things weren't great until aged 29 and on the brink of dropping out of his degree (a second attempt, he blew the first one) he was diagnosed with ADHD, something that was previously suspected but never formally identified. He was put on meds, finished his degree, and got a real job (software engineer). He's now 36, working, and has a family of his own. He himself said that the effects of the diagnosis and medication were transformational. It explained so much. I would really urge you not to hesitate and push for a diagnosis if there is any suspicion that ADHD might be involved.
Of course, maybe he's just being a shit, and it's no excuse for treating you like a doormat. But it's so hard to watch your child suffer and it's hard not to try to fix it somehow, it tears you apart while simultaneously building deep resentment. I feel for you. Good luck.

He sounds depressed.

I clean my 22 year old room twice a week, he does it in-between but I do his bed, clean windows, surfaces and floors. He takes his bin out every couple of days, wipes round surfaces and brings out plates and glasses.

I would deep clean for him then tell him how you expect it to be kept.

Maybe he needs a little help to get going.

I'm with you on this judge!

The actual real prevalence of NDivergence would probably shock most people. And it has a profound impact on how things are death with and support given.

'dealt with' rather

@LadyVorkosigan I'm so glad you both came through it. Yours is a lovely story full of hope. But there must have been times when you felt like going nuts at him or kicking him out! 😂

I can keep my wifi on but block devices which is sometimes do with DS (13) PS5.

Hello I think your son has depression. He obviously is struggling with interacting with people. Maybe going to University brought this to a head. He probably feels he is failing but just can't dig himself out of this hole he is in. I think he needs to speak with his GP. If he won't go tell him you will have to speak to his GP about him yourself. I really feel for you and your family. You just want your son to have a happy and healthy life.. I had a similar problem with my son when he went to university. It took a while and eventually he went back to university but one close to home. He did very well and made some mates. I had also contacted his old school/college friends who helped greatly. Good luck. Don't throw him out. Be firm about seeing his GP.

At 22?! Is he not a little embarrassed to have his mum cleaning his room and changing his bed at 22?

I know people who had a mortgage and a couple of kids of their own at 22. My sister had three kids at this age.

I can't imagine my mum changing my bed for me at 22.

Aren't you a judgmental person (would like to say more but won't)

I hope you never suffer with depression and need help.

There's absolutely nothing to need ashamed of. I had two children and my own home at that age but we are not all the same are we

Thanks. It was very hard for me and much worse for him. The relief when I could stop worrying about him! Then the little sod got a motorbike. Now I worry about that. No rest for the wicked, sigh.

Is he depressed? Maybe take him to the GP go to a chat. Maybe he’s a bit ashamed he couldn’t continue at uni

This. OP, kick him out.

Or may be simply the lazy, dirty, entitled man he appears to be.

I am telling you now called self preservation, relatives who have mental illness over years can be overwhelming to those deal with them. In my case an uncle who we as a family hadn’t had much to do with over his adult life. He had a massive breakdown we bought him to live nearer us. Over the years it becomes thankless trying to stop him living in a hovel. He never had a job for over 40 years. Sometimes you have to take a step back. Please don’t judge people who have to put their families & their own mental health first.

What a weird response. He's her son and twenty years old.

I would ask him to move out. Set a date and stick to it.

OMG OP, it's like I wrote this myself. We are in exactly the same position as you. Our son is exactly, and I mean exactly the same. We are ping pinging between getting tuff on him to wanting to wrap our arms around him.
Which is reflected in the comments from everyone, it's tuff to know what to do and they have no where to go if we kick them out.
Also what if that just pushes them over the edge if they are, like some comments have said, lost and feeling worthless
Ours also has a girlfriend that is the same she likes being around him in his mess and putting up with him looking like tramp.
He does do his own cooking but leaves a mess. I don't wash his clothes but neither does he.
I am so sorry I have no resolve for you as we have tried everything, he cleans up a bit and gets a job that he doesn't hold down just to appease us then goes right back to the beginning again.
I know how you feel OP, if it's any consolation you are not alone. I wish you all the best and hope it works out better in the end.
The only advice for your own sanity I can give is to keep focusing on any small positives in stead of the massive negatives and hang on to the thought that he won't be like this for ever. Also have that big sit down talk with him let him know how upset you are for him as well as yourself.
Take care xxx

FuppingEll
Yes, yes and yes. Just this xx